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Ex In-Laws

strugglingSM's picture

BM's father loves loves loves DH. About nine months after DH and I started dating, I went to one of SS's flag football games. As DH and I arrive in the parking lot there is an older man waving wildly from his truck and yelling DH's name. I was like "who is that?!" and DH replied "oh, that's BM's father." Since that time, BM's father has invited DH out to lunch, has asked him if he wants to go fishing, etc. DH always politely declines, because he really doesn't want to be socializing with BM's family.

All that would be fine, but I don't trust BM's father. He's inserted himself into some of DH's conflicts with BM. He wanted to attend the mediation session BM demanded, as a "supportive third party". He also has reached out to DH several times, to get him to "see BM's side of things."

My MIL tells me, that BM's parents are "neutral", but I'm not so sure. MIL does not know that BM's father wanted to attend the mediation or that BM's father has tried to convince DH to see "BM's side of things." MIL also probably doesn't realize that BM's mother is just as nasty and belittling as BM.

In response to one of BM's father's emails, DH has told him that BM has called him a deadbeat dad and told him he "doesn't care about his children" when he won't do exactly what she wants. DH has told BM's father that he's concerned that his children are struggling in school and that BM seems unwilling or unable to do anything about it (this was in response to BM's father's email saying how wonderful and successful SSs are). BM's father has tried to claim that DH is mistaken.

I've warned DH that he should not trust BM's father, because he is not his friend. DH does maintain a comfortable distance from him, but of course, they are still Facebook friends, although he adjusted his settings so his posts wouldn't show up in BM's father's feed. Yesterday, DH posted something about our date night. BM's father comments - "looks like fun" and then makes some comment about SS's football game yesterday. DH didn't go because he was working. I'm thinking "seriously, dude, let it go...why do you need to be making comments about SSs when DH posts about going out with me?" I'm sure I'm reading to much into it, but man, I wish BM's father would just give it up. DH does not want to be friends with him. Also, it makes me uncomfortable that BM's father is monitoring DH's Facebook page. Both DH and I have BM blocked, but what's the point of blocking someone if her father can simply show her everything. Ugh, makes me want to leave Facebook again.

Comments

oneoffour's picture

He can block him from FB. I mean why is he even a friend? ExFIL seems to be doing all the work to maintain access to DHs head space. I only have friends on FB who I will without exception spend time with them. Everyone else is not added.

By allowing ExFIL access to his feed does allow BM to keep a constant eye on DH.

strugglingSM's picture

I've made that argument with DH, but he doesn't want to "cause conflict" by unfriending him or blocking him. Not sure why he's worried.

drainedSM's picture

Hmmmm that's a tough one.
....I can see where your hubby is coming from. But it definitely is annoying to have someone else inserting themselves in your lives. Maybe try flipping the situation. Ask him how he would feel if the situation were reversed.

oneoffour's picture

But no one gets a red alert ..." blah! blah! blah! xxxxx has deleted and blocked you from Facebook,,, redalert redalert."

If ExFIL says anything he can say "Well Strugglings site is linked to mine and she is a private person. And I take care of my wife and respect her privacy. Don't worry, I will still email you and keep you up to date with any new SS photos."

strugglingSM's picture

It's true, but ExFIL clearly checks DH's site. One of my SSs already said to DH "why do you hate my family? grandpa said he called you and you didn't answer..." So, yeah, BM's father is just as needy and crazy as she is.

I've told DH it makes me feel uncomfortable and he just thinks I'm overreacting. Perhaps, I'll tell him again that he can't post anything about me unless he changes his settings so ExFIL can't see anything.

notasm3's picture

I love FB - that's where I met my wonderful DH. I also have many, many wonderful friends on FB - it's so much easier to keep up with long-term friends and relatives with FB. But I have NO qualms about blocking any disgusting aholes no matter what their DNA connection.

strugglingSM's picture

I do use it as a way to keep in touch with far away friends and relatives. I've blocked BM (all three of her accounts), her SO's multiple accounts, and all of her family. DH has blocked BM, her SO, and her sister, but didn't block her parents when he had the chance.

Acratopotes's picture

WHy can't DH simply tell the old man, I'm not longer family and I have no interest in being your friend.?
Please stop bugging me..... I'm not married to your daughter anymore

thinkthrice's picture

DH is probably afraid that ex FIL will start PASing out SS as well. Dirty little secret is he already has. One of Chefs older brothers is like this, "Mr. Neutral" is constantly trying to reunify Chef with his long gone PASed out children just because he used to kiss is ex wife's rear to keep in good graces with his son AKA child chasing.

I always warn Chef to be very careful what he says around Mr. Neutral as it will get back to the Girhippo. Chef can see that Mr. Neutral has a BFF relationship with his son. Chef has also discovered with time that Mr. Neutral only comes around when he wants something.

Can DH make a fake feed on FB to ex FIL? Possibly something outrageous/preposterous just to see if it makes it back to the BM; which it will. in that way you can prove that ex FIL is no friend to DH just because he's "friendly"

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

It freaks me out too. My DH is too close for comfort to her family for me as well... Friends with the family on Facebook... BM is friends with his too... (which makes me feel like she's invading tbh....) And BM stepmom requested to be my friend after she realized how manipulate BM was. Not to mention they invited us to be in family pictures with them... Which was weird enough... Naturally I declined... Then they started assuming us that BM wouldn't be in them... Weird as hell...

So I get the discomfort... Whenever I express I don't like all the connections I get brushed off though... good luck!