ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Accidental Statement...

I have literally no regrets about my "accidental" statement. Anyone who's read any of my stuff knows things aren't doing super awesome... Particularly when it involves Miss absentee BM. Anyways, after yesterday and her terrible finances finding us further in the hole and down a rather large immediate sum, not to mention that she convinced the four year old during a very short phone call like a week ago that we're the ones keeping them apart when she ditches for months at a time and doesn't even so much as ask how they're doing... (She's seeing them Sunday... worries that that's gonna be more damaging than good...) anyways. I'm sick of it. So my husband shuts down whenever I try and talk about solutions. All the sudden I get one word answers... And it turns into more of me trying to express what has to be done for the good of everyone... Particularly our finances...

So today I basically just told him I'm tired of all the crap and if he's not going to discuss it he better find a solution, cuz I can't afford all the financial stuff, neither can he, and I can't get a real job due to location. Nearest real job is 3 hours and my dream job is 9 hours. So he's got to figure it out. Because I'm going to snap and he needs to protect his family, including finances, my emotional wellbeing,, and the kids emotional and physical wellbeing. I left it at that... he didn't respond for a while and then promised to search for a solution and that he's getting frustrated too... So now time will tell... The waiting begins.

Cutter's picture

Start with him filing for

Start with him filing for bankruptcy. This is the situations it was created for right?

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

True. And his credit is shot

True. And his credit is shot enough thanks to her that I doubt it could do anything else to his credit.

Totalybogus's picture

Move

Move

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Per the custody order we

Per the custody order we can't. And my husband doesn't want to "out the girls through the stress of court" so he won't go for official custody.

Cutter's picture

All that and having a free

All that and having a free place to live with his parents doesn't hurt either.

WalkOnBy's picture

the girls don't go to court,

the girls don't go to court, the adults do.

I think your husband likes the status quo and free rent.

Not terribly good signs, IMO

Reading...it's fundamental

"Maybe it should be "reading comprehension..... it's fundamental" - ItsGrowingOld

twoviewpoints's picture

That was my thought, too.

That was my thought, too. Move

Why stay where you can't earn a living? There is nothing to keep you there. Dad has the kids and I assume he can find work wherever it is you'd be moving.

The 'temporary' custody thing should have been turned in emergency temporary through the courts and then on to full custody. Nothing to stop you from picking up the kids and moving. BM would be ordered to pay Dad CS not that she likely would but the order would be there).

I would have also thought BM and Dh would have settled these debts (even if bankruptcy) prior to you and DH tying the knot. Giving BM a % of the debt in divorce did nothing to wipe your DH clean from the loans and credit out in his name. Now it's ready to crash him. If his credit is already crap, how much more crap can it get?

If he take the custody to court, is awarded the full custody (forget the unrealistic 'until BM gets her sh*t together, if she ever gets it together she can go to court and fight for it back, uh good luck to her Barf! on that ), Dh cleans his debt (he's got nothing else to lose) move, work to your potential and slowly rebuild. Bm may be able to get some visitation but that can be worked out in court along with who has cost of transportation. If she ends up with 50% responsible of cost to visit, my bet is she won't ask for them to come.

If Dh won't go, time to decide if you intend to remain in this mess.

ETA>>> BM blew that CO when she dumped off the kids.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

My MIL got clever and got her

My MIL got clever and got her to sign a peeice of paper giving us temporary full custody until she "gets her life back on track." I almost wonder if that was a bad idea though... If we were to hit a custody case... Could that do damage? Or because she willingly signed away her kids, could it work in our benefit? He's weirdly paranoid about the court system... Personally I hate seeing the kids dragged around like this and think the sooner they have a solid thing to work off will be the sooner they can start to heal over the fact mom ditches them with excuses all the time. I see consistency as the key for kids... Which she's not providing... am I wrong? Like I'm not trying to overstep boundaries... I get I'm the SM and not BM... But she's hurting them and us and our financial wellbeing...

Also of course they didn't get solved. She kept delaying crap she said she'd do and my husband is way too trusting of some people. I roll by a "if it shoots you once it'll probably try again." Meanwhile he's all forgiveness and second chances...

twoviewpoints's picture

Consult a lawyer. They will

Consult a lawyer. They will be able to tell you how 'legal' the paper BM signed is and what your next step needs to be.

WalkOnBy's picture

Unless the "piece of paper"

Unless the "piece of paper" was filed with the Court, your husband has jack when it comes to custody.

Mothers-in-law and crazy BMs do not determine custody.

Reading...it's fundamental

"Maybe it should be "reading comprehension..... it's fundamental" - ItsGrowingOld

StepUltimate's picture

Some of his paranoia is

Some of his paranoia is rightly justified - my DH got 100% abused by the system, not to mention the hideous consequences for my SS, and fully expected a year+ court battle 4.5 years ago when he filed for primary custody (reversal of the EOWE). However, he got custody 1st appearance, and subsequently was awarded CS z was shocked both times based on the prior 10 years of being beaten DOWN legally, financially, emotionally & spiritually. It was very challenging but I was so proud of DH for risking it for SS's sake (lol, even though I'm here now!). But as always, the fear of the unknown outcome is always worse than taking action, doing the footwork (i.e., contacting attorney and other suggestions in this forum), and getting results. Even if the results are not optimal, it's still clarifying and gets him out of the fear and into action. Not to mention, shows wife & kids he's willing to fight BM's rein of insanity. I read your posts yesterday & am sending positive juju your way!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Thank you so much! Hopefully

Thank you so much! Hopefully he gets the ball rolling on this one before I do finally snap. Because there is only so much I can handle here!

Rags's picture

More time? Why waste it?

More time? Why waste it? Time for immediate and continuous action. Adjust as necessary.

IMHO of course.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

Willow2010's picture

My MIL got clever and got her

My MIL got clever and got her to sign a peeice of paper giving us temporary full custody +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What does this mean? Like WOB said...if not filed in court it is not valid.

Is there a court order for your DH to pay BM child support? If so, he will still owe that if she fights it.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Of course. I nagged them to

Of course. I nagged them to file it for a bit. They kept brushing me off telling me it doesn't have to be since both parties signed it. I love t when I'm not listened to and crap happens Cool

That was agreed at the beginning. He had them 3/4 of the time (if she bothered with them at all). As long as he pays daycare he doesn't have to pay CS. Which makes sense since she doesn't pay for anything for them anyways...

WalkOnBy's picture

well, if they never got

well, if they never got around to filing it, it's not even worth the paper it's written on.

Also, it sounds like there isn't a CO regarding child support either...

Reading...it's fundamental

"Maybe it should be "reading comprehension..... it's fundamental" - ItsGrowingOld

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Tbh they were in such a hurry

Tbh they were in such a hurry with the divorce they neglected a lot of things and neither bothered with a lawyer. I've read the decree and the CO. She's supposed to have the full time, she not allowed to be living wth a male, or even have them overnight if she's not married to them. Neither party is allowed to drink around the Skids... A lot of stuff I know she doesn't follow but no one enforces.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Tbh they were in such a hurry

Tbh they were in such a hurry with the divorce they neglected a lot of things and neither bothered with a lawyer. I've read the decree and the CO. She's supposed to have the full time, she not allowed to be living wth a male, or even have them overnight if she's not married to them. Neither party is allowed to drink around the Skids... A lot of stuff I know she doesn't follow but no one enforces.

twoviewpoints's picture

I know you were not answering

I know you were not answering to me, but I'm going to ask (sorry Willow) , of course what?

The paper was indeed filed?

I question the legality of this paper. If it was just a sheet MIL popped out an had BM scribble down some agreement (while BM and MIL where in room) and then MIL later had Dad sign it or some similar scenario , BM can claim coercion or that she signed it under duress. Actually even if all three were present and the two signed, it wasn't notarized or properly witnessed.

Your MIL seems to be front and center and in the middle of everything. And from reading the previous blogs, I got the impression DH and you are living with your MIL. Correct?

Because the thing to have done the minute BM dropped off those kids and said she needed time, was when that paper and her DH should have hightailed it right off into a lawyer's office, claimed for emergency hearing on abandonment and received full physical and legal custody of the kids. That didn't happen. But was the paper at least filed?

EtA...oh, I stepped on you too WOB , sorry about that.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

UNFORTUNATELY we do live with

UNFORTUNATELY we do live with his parents... Not for lack of trying to leave (at least on my part)... Finances being so bad thanks to BM and all her crap loans and credit cards... means we're broke... His parents live in a small 3 bed and 2 bath double wide... So both his parents have their own rooms, the Skids have the last room and we live on an air mattress. It's smothering, particularly from my MIL. (Ex: DH got in a car accident, naturally he called me, I ask her to please watch the Skids because I need to get to my husband. She literally tells me no and that she's the mom and drives off. I. Was. Pissed.)

The paper wasn't filed. I pushed and pushed and tbh finally gave up... DH and MIL kept insisting it didn't matter, so why file it? They think they know the legal world for some reason... (though I think a lot of what happened was MIL said it didn't need to happen and my husband doesn't like standing up to her :|) But no it wasn't. Which I'm still pissy about that and the fact DH won't just go for custody... He thinks that's "putting our happiness above the Skids.

BM wrote the agreement herself and they both signed and dated it... Perdonally if it was up to me, the first time she ditched fthem for months without contact (or better yet, when she said she only wanted custody because it looks bad if the mom doesn't have it) I would have gone for everything. My lawyer dont get back on until Thursday... They told me if I brig oapers they'll give me a free consult on what legal options we have.