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New Step-Father / Feel like I'm drowning.

UncleCJ's picture

The issues I have going on right now, could fill a book. I don't have any biological children, which is a constant issues that seems to be rising lately among the family. The wife and I have been married since late April.

My nephew is 10, two years younger than my SS. His mother abandoned him with my parents almost from birth, so the only home he's known has been one my parents have provided. The only male role models have been my father and I. With my father's passing, I am left to be the male role model. As a single man, I would leave work at night to go to my parents home to spend time with the nephew. The evenings would be there, before I would return to my own home, to prepare for the next work day. For ten years, this was the norm.

With my father's passing, my sister has finally decided she's capable, and willing, to be a mother. However my established relationship with my nephew is something she can't seem to tolerate, especially with my new wife in the picture. As a standard course of life, I would take my nephew everywhere with me, as though he were my own son. So naturally, the wife would include him in our family activities. He's become closer to my SS and SD as a result.

My Nephew has always had abandonment issues, because of his parents.

All of this has put a strain on my own family now. My sister and wife have become mortal enemies, because on one hand, we have the single mother who sacrificed everything for her children and kept them with her through thick and thin; and we have the mother who abandoned her son and didn't look back until recently.

My sister has routinely told me that I am not my nephew's father, and that as a step-father, I'm not a real father, and that I would never know what she feels for my nephew.

My wife, argues that my nephew is the son I 'wish' I had, and frets that my SS is not enough for me, because I don't have biological children. She claims that I put my nephew's interests before our own kids, simply because I worry about a proposed move to Texas.

That's the cliff notes version of events, because I know these forum posts can turn into full length novels if we're not careful.

I'm frightened for my nephew's well-being. I fear that my sister is not stable, and that my mother still grieving my father, is glossing over my sister's issues. If I leave my nephew and move to Texas, I worry what that will do to him psychologically, given how close we've been for a decade.

I feel like I'm being torn in half, and that I can't please anyone, except for my SD. She's taken to calling me daddy when my SS still refers to me by my first name.

Disneyfan's picture

Your sister is being an ass. She knows she screwed up. She should be grateful that you and your parents stepped up and were willing to raise her son.

Where is your SS's father? He is the one your wife needs to push to play daddy to her kid, not you.

Do not push your nephew to the side in favor of your SS. Your nephew is family and always will be. Your SS will only be around as long as your wife is. If your marriage ends, your SKs will be gone with your wife.

UncleCJ's picture

I married my wife for life. Plans are in the works for me to fully adopt my Step-children. The Bio-Father, or sperm donor as we call him, was physically abusive to my wife, and children. I've been told that he molested my daughter at least once that we are aware of. My wife however declined to allow the physical examination because of the emotional toll it would have on the SD. She was two or three, and has since repressed the memories, according to a Doctor. However, there was no medical evidence to file charges with.

He is not in the picture, and has no place in it whatsoever. There is a restraining order in place for her, and the children.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

You've got alot on your plate so I know this wont cover everything.

First you don't have to justify your compare you're love to any adult about any child. It's wrong for both of these women to down play your feelings for the children just because they aren't "yours". When your around a child for a long time and a part of caring for them you fall in love. Yeah they aren't "yours" but that doesn't mean you don't love them and love comes in so many different forms it's hard to compare.

Second you and your wife need to go to counseling. There seems to have been a lot of hard words exchanged and I'm sure some hurt feelings. It never hurts to have an outside help out. They wont say either of you is right or wrong but will help you guys understand each other better.

Last but not least if you don't feel it's right to move away from your family then don't. It's not just about the kid. Where you are is your home. You have more than just the one child. You have other family, friends, and so does your wife and stepchild. Unless the move is what's best for all of you but it's not something to do lightly.

Simpleton21's picture

Sounds like your sister is projecting her lack of parenting on you. She abandoned your nephew and wants to come back 10 years later and play mom?!?! How sad and confusing for your nephew. He still needs you in his life. Yes, you aren't his biological father but you are his uncle and a good role model and support for him. Please do not move to Texas and leave your nephew behind. He has already been abandoned once by his biological parents.

I'm not sure what to do about your wife in this situation. How would she feel if you proposed leaving her kids behind?!?! In this case your nephew is like a son and I feel like she should be more understanding of that. Maybe she just needs reassurance that her kids are just as important to you. I feel like that should be a given also seeing as you plan on adopting them....

Sorry you are in a tough spot.