Need coping strategies for my two step daughters
Hi, I would really like to solicit the opinions of women in this post please. I am going to try to provide as much detail as possible. So my wife and I were sweethearts when I was 16 and she 21 (1986/1987). She was the absolute love of my life and when I lost her, a part of me died inside. We both married others (me only once, her - I am her 4th now). Anyway, we reunited in 2014 and married in 2015.
She has two daughters, ages 19 and 21 and I have a son, 21. We moved 4 hours away from the daughters in early 2017 after me living two years of hell with them. She treats them, especially the youngest like they are 7. She does everything for them, thinks for them, coddles them and on and on. When I came into the situation, I walked through the door with open arms. Almost three years later, I have shut down, I have lost my caring for most everything except for God and our marriage is on the rocks. They are actually moving to where we moved in 6 weeks and I know what to expect. They will be over at our house all the time, I will be expected to "play" dad, except I have never been granted the disciplinary ability of dad.....I am supposed to just keep my mouth shut and let them come and go as they please, trash my house, treat their mother any way and just be quiet.
I spent every day of 27 years wanting this woman back and now, just 3 short years later, I feel like it would just be easier to spend the rest of my life alone. I am just lost and she expects me to make all of the changes to make us a "family". Ladies, please give me perspective here as mothers and help me.
Unfortunately, you did not
Unfortunately, you did not take enough time getting to know the person she eventually turned out to be.
She was 21 and you were 16?
We spent literally 4 months
We spent literally 4 months on a telephone, Facebook messenger, texting, etc. before we reunited. All things considered, we are very compatible living together, in that we don't have issues with who cleans, does laundry, lids left off toothpaste (lol) or any of the other dumb things people argue about. It is ALL kids.....and dammit, they are not kids. These kids are all old enough to be oversees fighting in a war for God's sake. SMH
I appreciate your feedback
I appreciate your feedback sincerely. I should not paint a perfect picture of myself as I can be selfish and in my jealously of these "children" as she constantly refers to them as, I just wish they could go away. This is where I really value the advice of other mothers because I am obviously not one. I was raised old school, by ex military men and I was in law enforcement, so I know I can be difficult at times. All I want is fairness. Her girls are both pleasant, especially the older one. The younger one, however, can be a real stank and I trust her no further than I can throw her.
Basically, my wife tells me that everything is my fault, relative to them and our relationship. She talks to them on the telephone upwards of eight times a day and it is freaking driving me crazy. I know I can never change her, only God can, but I also know I cannot be as full fault as she makes me out to be.
If your 21 year old son came
If your 21 year old son came to you telling you this story and asking for your advice what would you tell him?
That is a great point and one
That is a great point and one that I have never thought of and need to ponder on. I know my opinion right now would be very skewed.
I think there are probably a
I think there are probably a couple of things going on here. Over 27 years, you idolized the thought and memory of this woman. I'm sure that in that viewpoint you most likely exaggerated the great things and probably forgot that she wasn't perfect... even then. It's not unusual... you were in love with the IDEAL of her.. but maybe not what turns out to be the REAL her.
Believe me, 27 years of relationships and experiences mean that she is definitely not the same person she was as a teen. And.. the same goes for you. You have had relationships and experiences that have shaped you and matured you so that you are a different person than you were as a 16 yo.
So, I understand the 27 years of emotions invested into this ideal, it was probably going to be impossible for you two to pick up and leave off like you were back in HS. Especially in her case with multiple marriages (usually a sign that the person is either part of the problem in the relationship.. or picks horrible mates!).
Now, all of your kids are adults, but everyone has a different relationship with their kids. It sounds like she is of the helicopter parent variety. It may be telling if her devotion to her girls is what caused her prior relationships to founder.
The fact that and of itself that she coddles her daughters is not necessarily a problem except to the point where it makes your life unbearable or where she uses YOUR finances to do it. They are adults now and tbh, I don't think you need to be involved in disciplining her girls at this time. However, you are entitled to set boundaries in your home. So, if you don't want them over 24/7.... asking them to plan visits in advance etc.. is perfectly fine. If she wants to put herself out there for her girls, that's fine, but you should also be able to expect to have your wife make you feel like a priority too.
It sounds that with the girls and your son being out of the home and adults, you may have a chance to improve things. Perhaps counseling will help if you can get her to go. Set boundaries that work for both of you regarding all your kids (who knows if she has been harboring stuff about your son????).
In the end, it may turn out that she is not the girl you fell in love with. 27 years of relationships and experiences change people.. sometimes not for the better.
You are so correct in so much
You are so correct in so much that you say. In her defense and as I tell her, 99.9% of her is the perfect wife. She treats me like a king (when, in her opinion, I am acting the way I am supposed to), our sex life is utterly stupendous and the list goes on and on. BUT, that .1%, she is precisely like her father and he was the most controlling, overbearing drill instructor you ever met in your life. He was also the most critical human being you ever met and I grew up in his home as a little boy. Our dads were best friends. She is so much like the undesirable traits he possessed.
I think I actually need to get with a female counselor. For some reason I feel like a mother could better help me than a man. I do not think someone who does not have a mother's perspective could see her "sides" on this and tell me if I am simply being selfish and impossible to get along with. It is all such a blur now, I have lost sight on what is true and what is fallacy. But I sincerely appreciate your feedback. You made a lot of sense.
I guess sometimes we need to
I guess sometimes we need to take the bitter with the sweet. In your case it would really depend on what the quality of your life is like most of the time.
You say she is 99.9 percent the right person.. but in reality if she was being a dream 99% of the time then I would say that unless the .1% bad is that she is an "ax murderer".. that can't we just accept that we all aren't perfect all the time (even you..lol?).
But, I hazard a guess that the .1% is impacting more than .1% of your life.
So, coping strategies. sometimes we have to learn what we can control and what we can't. If you know she is going to baby her girls, I would try to let that roll off my back because as long as it isn't impacting your finances or quality of life.. that's her perogative. You say her girls are generally pleasant so I would probably be less concerned about that.
If there are things you need to be different, learning how to communicate without accusations and getting defensive should help both of you. That's where therapy can help.
She treats you like a king
She treats you like a king when you are acting the way you are supposed to? Okay.
Move into a gated controlled
Move into a gated controlled access property and inform security that the Skids are persona non grata. }:) I am all about outsourcing the unpleasantness of life. Whey tolerate that kind of crap? I wouldn't.