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Husband NOT ASSERTIVE with discipline!!!!

DaniAM73's picture

My husband seems to lack discipline when it comes to my SS. He likes to think he can put fear in them....NOT. This doesn't set well with me. Any ideas as to why? Is it guilt?

nachotaco's picture

I really don't have an answer for you as I am in the same situation. My plan is to start doing the discipling and see if I get good results.

DaniAM73's picture

I completely agree. They are fond of me anyway, so now they will really have a reason not to.

nachotaco's picture

Yeah they may get upset but that is normal. My own kids would get really mad if I laid down the law but it was best for them. Sucks for me at points but they turned out nicely so it was worth it.

DaniAM73's picture

Thanks for the article. Very informative. One thing that struck a cord was the child making decisions for the household as if they are the parent. I have had to tell my DH, "you're the parent they are the children." No SS15 and SS12 should be running anything.

thinkthrice's picture

Same thing happened to me. I told Chef "You never ASK a child to go to bed, brush their teeth, etc." (giving them the OPTION to OPT OUT) I said "you TELL the child to do so."

ESMOD's picture

There can be all sorts of variables at play. If he isn't the primary custody parent.. many NCP don't want to spend their limited time with a child fighting or being unpleasant.

There can be guilt that their child has split parents.. trying to make up for that.

Competition with being the "good" parent against the EX.

And... maybe he is just "too nice". Might be a nice quality because he doesn't berate you, but it is directed that way toward skids too.

DaniAM73's picture

Yes he is the NCP. I sort of suspected that it's a guilt thing. I have no other choice but to take the bull by the horns. I am not asking for much. Just be respectful, stay out of my things, and realize this house has rules.

ESMOD's picture

I never had any problem telling the girls rules when it came to my possessions. Before you start the riot act with the kid though.. try to make sure you and your DH are on the same page with rules.

I understand that kids should have responsibilities at home, but for a NCP, I think that a lot of chores aren't really necessary (not living there much right?).. certainly they should be able to keep their room and clean up after themselves. Perhaps help with occasional things like helping to rake leaves occasionally. I certainly wouldn't require hourse of chores in a weekend. But respect and general cleanliness yepper.

DaniAM73's picture

All I ask is the basics. No hard chores. One example, I told SS15 last year when you have ice cream wash the ice cream scooper. You think he does that? I am considering hiding it the next time he doesn't wash it. They don't have one at their house. DH is a wimp when it comes to rules.

twoviewpoints's picture

Taking those 'horns' will only work if your DH supports you in doing so. If your DH stand behind your attempts, great. If not, here comes your next set of problems.

I suggest you sit down with DH and talk about your concerns and what your expectations are. How old is the SS? And what does 'put the fear' into SS mean for your DH (his definition and how he goes about it). Do you perhaps mean he gives the kid the big bad lecture of "if you don't knock this crap off this _________ or this __________ is what's going to happen' , but then never follows through?

If you and DH lay out the 'house rules' and agree to what they are, then it stand to reason you and DH lay out the consequences of when defiance and misconduct occurs. Example, respecting other's property and asking for permission before just helping kid's self to something that doesn't belong to him. If 'fearing' the kid doesn't and hasn't worked, what is an appropriate next try with a consequence? Taking a privilege away for the next couple visits? Taking an electronic usage away for the weekend?

When parents attempts have not been successful in getting the child's cooperation in following simple house rules, of course it's time to change tactic and try another means. Unless this kid is seventeen, the kid doesn't have the option to announce 'I hate you and I'm never coming back to visit you again'. Dad can not spend all of his parenting time raising this child out of being afraid of losing the child. He just can't. If he does, he'll have raised a little monster then wonder why his kid is now an adult dysfunctional person.

Parenting can be hard, but as a parent it is Dad's job as parent and role model to set certain expectations for his child and assuring his child follows through. Sure, it's easier to be the Disney Dad and be the kid's friend instead of the parent , but DH may not just lose his wife over the unhappy homelife but he is also failing his son.

You don't mention any other children. Are there any or any on the horizon? If so, the future children will watch how Dad parents his oldest son .

There is nothing 'wrong' in your taking control and disciplining but DH has to be on the same page or you just become the mean evil SM who will lose the battle in the end because the child knows his father isn't in support of what SM is doing. KWIM?

DaniAM73's picture

There are two total SS15 and SS12. Sadly I have sat DH down and he becomes defensive. You give great sound advice. No consequences are ever given. I remember making a suggestion a few years ago when they have homework and they come over on Saturdays turn the tv off and the homework will get done faster. DH response was, it's Saturday the tv can stay on. I checked with a friend just to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable and she agreed that no tv should be on during homework. That is just to give you a taste of what I have to deal with.

thinkthrice's picture

And then there's this old chestnut:

"I don't want to spend the limited time I have with my kids disciplining them" (TM)

(so instead I will be a good time Charlie dad, aka BFF and guilty/Disney daddykins, yeah that will help)

strugglingSM's picture

Probably part guilt, part laziness. That's my DH's problem. He loves to make big proclamations to the kids about punishments for not going along with whatever. When it comes time to take action, though, he's either forgotten what he originally said, doesn't feel like enforcing it, or doesn't want his kids to be mad at him, since he only sees them EOWE.

If I say anything about it, he gets mad at me, because he thinks I'm criticizing his parenting.

DaniAM73's picture

Yup sounds exactly like my DH. I am like man follow through. They aren't going to hate you. And he definitely gets defensive.

SugarSpice's picture

this was the case when the skids were young and still is the case.

dh totally self castrated when it came to the skids. no whim unindulged. no ill treatment of father or his wife addressed.

dh very very seldom had my back when it came to discipline.

the skids were (and are) sassy and spoiled. they always butter daddeeee up just in time for birthdays or christmas so they get expensive gifts.

in the case of one adult sd, dh gives the daughter more expensive gifts than the young womans own husband.

DaniAM73's picture

I had to tell DH last year that SS15 asked for a new camera for Christmas. He also added five other gifts, while SS12 only asked for a few items that weren't that expensive. I suggested he get SS15 the camera and only that. He would have spent more money on one and not the other.

DaniAM73's picture

I had to tell DH last year that SS15 asked for a new camera for Christmas. He also added five other gifts, while SS12 only asked for a few items that weren't that expensive. I suggested he get SS15 the camera and only that. He would have spent more money on one and not the other.