You'll probably feel left out for a while. It's usually a slow process blending as a family. My husband and I lived together for about 2 years before that "left out" feeling went away. Even now, we're married and have been dating 5 years, living together 4 years, and I still get it once in a while. Definitely not so much, but once in a while. You'll never have the connection to his son that he has, so it's bound to make you feel left out. Just make sure you're spending lots of one on one time with both of them to keep all relationships healthy and happy!

I think it's probably especially hard since he is so young. If your engaged the commitment is there I would say don't try to push the relationship with either of them. Let it move as slowly as possible and let him enjoy his son being a baby. This time goes so fast. You need to find things that make you happy that don't involve them. Working out, being with friends, hobbies, you wanna be making yourself so happy that when they are happy together you already feel as happy as they do so it doesn't bother you.

I think you are already doing what needs to be done.
When you are struggling with emotions that make you feel bad for feeling them
you step back and let the rational side say, hey well that is how I feel and that is okay
but this feeling is not helpful and maybe not justified.
Then you rely on the "better angels of your nature" to take over.
It is hard daily work.

His behaviour is completely normal and so is yours!

Even in intact families kids push their parents apart and try to get attention away from one or the other parent.
Two year olds are little tyrants who are just becoming aware of the power they have and they love to use it.

Maybe a parenting class or some books will help you cope?

I think everyone has covered the issues in the here and now. However, I want to address the future so you can start really examining if you can handle this.

Your idea of what a blended family should be and how step life should go are going to be challenged all the time. Eventually, your SO's son will get to decide what kind of relationship he has with you. He has the option of loving you and accepting you as a parental figure. He also has the option of hating you and never respecting or liking you. Or he could fall somewhere in between.

If you read through here, you'll discover that you can't love or do for a step kid enough to make them love you or respect you and your relationship with their father. Their father can't make them love and respect you. Sure, he can punish, give boundaries, and expect good behavior, but he can't force them to make a happy family with him and you.

Now, I'm not saying that the baby is putting off those kind of vibes. He is being a baby and growing into a toddler. The good news is that he's going to grow up in a blended family with no memory of having mom and dad together, and Dad is learning to parent as a single dad, which means he isn't thrusting his ex's responsibilities onto you since those didn't really exist yet. You're in a good spot for everything to work out.

But the question becomes how are YOU going to feel if this is the new norm? If SS doesn't want you to be motherly towards him? Doesn't consider you family? Is respectful and kind, but never really accepts you as anything other than "Dad's wife"?

I think what Merrywey was getting at is that you cannot build your hopes for a happy family on someone else's child, and then be jealous or upset when they react toward you in a non-familial way. That's a lot of pressure on them, and something that isn't their responsibility. You have to learn to accept the relationship as it develops, whether it's what you hoped for or not.

That is TOUGH to do. I went into this thinking if I did everything right, showed my SSs what a good mother I could be, gave them happy memories, etc that they would look at me as another mother. Nope. We have a good relationship, don't get me wrong, but I'm never going to be recognized on Mother's Day or my birthday. I'm never going to get to be in parents photos with either of them at graduation or other school events. That's a tough thing to accept, but the only person at fault for my feelings were me because I set myself up to fail.

My DH told me that his kids would appreciate me more if I acted like myself and didn't try to act like their mom, and he was so right. We have made some good memories, but I have learned that I still have to live my life outside my DH and his kids, especially when they are visiting. Me trying to do all the mom things just led to competition between me and BM, and I wasn't going to win.

So, let your SO parent. Enjoy the times that your SS wants to spend with you. Let your SO pick up and hug his son while he's still able. Don't push for more - just let this naturally progress out and see where it takes you. Now, if your SO starts down the path of throwing you aside for his son all the time (e.g. won't hug you because it might make SS uncomfortable, or lets SS hit/smack/bite you with no consequences) THEN you need to change course and have a serious chat with your SO about boundaries and expectations. But right now, stop tying your happiness to the whims of a toddler.

There is no clear cut formula on how to make it happen other than to give it time. And maybe some separation. No, I'm not saying break up; I'm saying you need to plan more "you" time when SS is around instead of "family" time. Even if it means you just go into another room with headphones and a book, go do it. Go do you. Go find a new hobby or do something that sounds fun. If, right now, the physical presence of your SS is causing you this kind of jealousy, then walk away when you can. You aren't his mother, you aren't responsible for his wellbeing, and you aren't responsible for your SO being a good dad. It is okay to remove yourself from these situations, and I think you need to.

Best of luck.

OP, you wrote: "This that bring this on:
- When I hug my fiancé and his son pushes me and him apart like he doesn't want us to be together
- When I sit on my fiancé's lap and he is playing around us, he will jump on us and push me off and hug him instead.
- When my fiancé's attention is on me because we are talking and his son does EVERYTHING in his power to distract my fiancé to get him to pay attention to him instead of me and then I feel like I might as well just stop talking.
- When I finally get some alone time with his son and he enjoys playing with me but the minute his dad walks in I don't exist anymore.
- When his dad leaves the room and he is left with me sometimes he just starts balling like "i'm not good enough to play with alone".
- When I come home and try and enjoy some time with my fiancé and all he can do is talk about his son, what words he said that day, what diapers we need to get, what food should we give him for dinner, etc. instead of actually asking me how my day was or interested in me.
- When I try to feel included and make an effort to spend time with them and create memories but he is always crawling on dad and not me, or he is all cute with him and cries if I have to hold him, or we are at a family event and I feel invisible because its all about watching him and what he is putting in his mouth and what cute thing he is doing with Dad. "

EVERYTHING except the last two are totally normal kid behaviours. What direction and guidance does your fiance give your SS when he behaves that way? Has your fiance discussed with you, or even told/taught you how he prefers you to respond? Because addressing kid behaviours is a parenting job. You can do it yourself, if you are willing to and have the support of your fiance. The first part of being a parent, though, is putting your own feelings to the side because guiding and helping the child is more important. And honestly, it's really hard and never-ends and this age is extremely difficult, and stays that way for about a year. But it's not at all about you, so maybe take some comfort in that?

- When I come home and try and enjoy some time with my fiancé and all he can do is talk about his son, what words he said that day, what diapers we need to get, what food should we give him for dinner, etc. instead of actually asking me how my day was or interested in me.

OOOH, that's BAD partner behaviour!! Ok, sure, he loves his kid and loves to talk about him, but he's forgotten that you are not equally interested in his kid, and that you are a total person, beyond your role in his family. Just do some husband-management. "Hon, were you going to ask me about my day?" "Sweetie, would you like to ask me what I accomplished today?" Model the kinds of questions you expect to hear him ask, and give him clear instructions. Or even, when you come home and he starts... just say, "Love, can we have 15 minutes of couple-time before we talk about anyone else?"

- When I try to feel included and make an effort to spend time with them and create memories but he is always crawling on dad and not me, or he is all cute with him and cries if I have to hold him, or we are at a family event and I feel invisible because its all about watching him and what he is putting in his mouth and what cute thing he is doing with Dad.

Wow, create memories? Honestly, I cringe at that phrase. In my value system, memories are when we remember stuff that happened. Don't really need to be created. Nothing special. My kid has an entire basket of what I think is garbage but she wants to play with - paper towel rolls, scraps of paper and string, etc. Seeing her create a castle with a balcony and two entrances, one for her and one for the cat, out of a old lanyard, a chair, a blanket, and her cuddle toy, that's a memory that didn't need 'creating.' But I digress.

22 months is really old to still be putting things in his mouth. Does he have some disabilities? But usually family members go ga-ga for the kids, especially the little ones, so that's not unusual. How much of your feeling invisible has to do with how your fiance's family interacts with you? Because your fiance should be managing that too.

Most likely this child will prefer his dad to you his entire life. And will show it in all kinds of ways. You can set limits about what ways are ok, and enforce them. But it's up to his parents to guide him into how to interact more appropriately.

Although being told to "grow up" may have sounded harsh and impolite, my reaction on reading your post was that it sounds quite immature. How long have you known this child? How much time have you spent with him?

At 22 months, he is practically a BABY. Everything you're describing sounds like what could be considered normal behavior for a child that age, especially one that has to split his time between parents.

I've been a SM for 18 years. My SSs were 3 and 5 when I met them and started dating DH, who had them EOW. They were extremely clingy to my DH. I felt like an outsider in my own home for pretty much the entire 10 years they did EOW visitation until they became PAS'd by their BM and no longer wanted to visit. I was fairly young (age 29) when I met DH, had never had kids, and I spent a fair amount of energy trying to win them over. Finally, I realized I was never going to be anything more than "Dad's wife." Despite all my best efforts (and believe me, I've tried really hard, from making their favorite foods, buying them gifts, having elaborate birthday parties, etc., etc.) they just don't feel any more for me. In all those years, they're NEVER recognized me on Mother's Day in any way.

Part of the problem is that they have a smothering, narcissistic, "Disneyland" BM with whom they are extremely close, and they would never want to do anything to upset her. I get that. That's why I'm glad I have my OWN 2 DSs with my DH (now 10 and 16.) That makes it all OK for me. I don't have to feel guilty when I treat them differently because my SSs certainly have always treated me differently. It is the way it is. The SSs got to choose how the relationship would be. I did not. And I accept that.

I sincerely hope for your sake the relationship turns out to be everything you hope it will be. However, I also hope you mentally prepare yourself for the fact it may never be what you'd like it to be.

Oh, Laura, you sound so young. Ok, you've been dating this guy for nine months and are now engaged. Do you live together now? How often does your DF have his young son? And how much time do you and DF have as a young couple just getting to know each other and do things like well, date? Are there date nights?

Just about everything you said the little guy does is quite normal. If you are now living together, and the child is going between homes (the child's mother's home and your DF's home), that in itself is a big thing for littles. Their world's are made up of the most important people in their lives, Mom and Dad. Does the child have to share attention with anyone but Mom at Mom's home?

The talking about diapers and what to feed the little, it's because the little guy is an important part of Dad's life and has been so long before you became a part of Dad's life. Dad's a constant in the little's life. You are new. You don't naturally have the instant love for the child his parents do.

Can I ask how old you are? I read your profile page, where you admit this isn't quite what you thought you'd be doing and the type of family you'd be starting out with. I couldn't help but think perhaps you are rushing things and just maybe expecting too much of yourself. You're right that now is the time couples spend falling in love, getting to know each other and every thing is suppose to be sunshine and roses and happy and fun. Raising a baby isn't easy. Raising someone else's baby is even harder.

If this is Mr Right for you, you don't have to rush things and don't fault yourself if you are finding it hard to fall into instant baby, instant family. One day at a time. And it is going to take time. And if you find it is all too fast and too soon, it's ok to back up and slow down a bit.

The 22mo old is doing what 22mo olds do. And hon, have you ever heard of the terrible twos? I'm asking because the stage is coming (every likely already starting). Have you tried books on children, their different stages and development? If not, it may find it helpful. It may give you an idea of what to expect from the little guy and tips on how to deal with each different stage and developmental facts of kids under five. It could help Dad too, as no, parents are not born knowing exactly how to be a parent, how and when to discipline and teach ect.

Anyway, popped in to say welcome to steptalk. Take your time here. Read around the different blogs and over on the forum side. Know that you are not alone and that what your feeling isn't unusual.

For your consideration:

1. You can do nothing to make the child want you or even like you. He may never accept you. Could you live with that?
2. Your future spouse cannot make his child care for you. Could you live with that?
3. You would not be a second mother. Your position would foremost, be his father's wife. Could you live with that?
4. Your future children would not be considered apart of the son's real family.
Could you live with that?
5. The pertinent question is; should I live with that?

I did not read all the comments, but this is typical behavior for a toddler, don't feel bad about it...

the issue is what's your fiance doing about it, does he push you further away and attend to the kid or does he turn it into education with a soft laugh, removing the kid or telling him, wait a minute buddy I will be with you shortly, now I'm talking/hugging LTrace...

If you fiance is not doing anything to correct the kid's behavior, you are doomed for a very very long time as a step parent and you will never come first.

My SS was conceived as a result of birth control sabotage by the BM while my SO and I were on a break and seeing other people. As a result, the child is probably handled a little bit differently by his father than most stepchildren will be treated by their bio's. (I come first. And second. And third, then the child) So I can tell you what he does and why it works, but I can't tell you for sure that your DH would be okay with it.

My SO has been very clear with SS that he and I are a unit and a family, and if "dad" is family, than I am family too. If SS hugs dad, he's going to hug me too. If SS says goodnight dad, he's going to say goodnight to me too. If SS says "I love you" to dad, he's going to say it to me to.
He's also been very clear with SS that I make him happy, and SS wants him to be happy, doesn't he? He's been clear about what my contributions to the family are, and that I am a good thing and exist to make SS happy, the same way he does. He's gone so far as to explain to SS that he wouldn't be nearly as good of a dad if I wasn't around to support him and he has explained that SS wouldn't get treated nearly as well as he does if I wasn't around to make sure of it. He's basically given up some of his own authority as a parent, in exchange for me having more status and authority than a stepparent usually gets. We decided early on it was the only way to handle this whole child thing as a team.

The very clear message to SS who is now 5, is that he is going to treat both of us exactly the same, and in return we both will treat him exactly the same (like 2 actual parents). If he is allowed to take dad's things without asking, he is also allowed to take mine. If he is allowed to grab food of dad's plate, my plate is also up for grabs. (But of course we will do the same thing to him occasionally.) If he needs something he can ask either one of us, and we will always confer with the other before making a decision if its iffy. Neither one of us ever goes against the wishes of the other, and if we accidentally provide an inconsistent answer (one says no and the other says yes) then SS gets a conversation about how we made a mistake and the inconsistent answer was an error on our parts, and not because we would ever intentionally choose to treat him differently.

When SS was slightly standoffish with me one night when he came over DH flat out confronted him about why he was acting that way instead of ignoring it the way most bioparents would. When asked about it SS admitted he was afraid of me because the BM told him I was scary. Dad stepped in to explain why he can't believe much the BM says about me since she doesn't know me, and in fact I am way less scary than daddy, and daddy would know. In fact if SS wishes to continue believing I am scary without actually witnessing scary behavior for himself and taking the BM's word for it then SS will quickly learn just how scary DAD can be. That resulted in a long hug and I love you apology from SS who then went back to behaving normally.

I have never been represented as a second mother, nor have I considered myself as such. Instead I am represented as "half of dad", and have been explained to SS as the mother SS would have been lucky to have but not the mother he ended up with. Like I said, not really the typical situation.

Stepparenting can be a pain, especially when the BM does not support you, but it can be managed if dad will always put his foot down to make sure you have equal status in the family, even if it means he costs himself head honcho status.
So far this works. For the most part I am treated like another parent. This took approximately 3 months to establish as a family dynamic. My early experiences with SS were extremely similar to yours, I couldn't even put him in my lap without him squirming away, and half the time when I spoke to him he ignored me completely. (But SS is kinda quiet and withdrawn to begin with) My SO and I decided (prior to fighting BM for custody and the BM was pretty adamant about SO having 0 visitation) that if we are doing this child thing together, its not going to be half his child and half the BM's child. Its going to be half the BM's child although her wishes are to be completely ignored or even antagonized-- And then it's 25% my child and 25% his child, and all decisions involving the child have been made and will continue to be made according to that rule.

Maybe you and your SO can work out some slightly less hostile variant of this? He needs to grant you equal status and make this gospel in the heart and mind of his child, and if he cannot or will not do that-- I would then instead recommend you follow the advice of the other posters on this forum, and disengage because this is NOT your child and any effort you put in will never be rewarded or repaid.