While it sucks that you were right, it could be a blessing in disguise. I've never been to rehab and don't know much about it, but if it's anything like AA, they're meant to atone for their past deeds... he may very well surprise you and try to make it up to you, money wise, I mean... maybe not - don't hold your breath.

Happy you're in a better situation now. Good for you.

Jeepers H Christmas, I wonder if BM knows all of this???? I hope she's not still sending those kids over there! I know it's not your problem, I'm just saying... WOW!

Glad you were able to escape and I hope that he is able to get his act together.

Glad to hear that you are settled into your own place. It will get easier every day.

I'm so mad on your behalf that your ex admitted his drug problem to you. That's just a shitty thing to do after the fact. My ex waited until after we were done to tell me he did Ecstasy behind my back all the time while we were married. I'm sure he lifted a big weight off his shoulders but it made me feel awful and just like such a fool. Like how could I have not known and how the f*ck could he keep something that big from me. It served no purpose to tell me and I hated him even more for it. Sounds like your ex wants it to be the excuse for why he was such a crappy husband and I'm sure he's alleviated a lot of guilt off himself, great.

I think you need to go to no contact. It's not doing anything for you to still speak to him, and he's just going to continue to remain codependent if you stay in his life. I know it's hard, but you need to move on. Don't be his "friend" because you pity him. No one really wants that and it's not friendship. And believe me, he will use guilt and any other manipulation he can think of to suck you back in. Especially if he ends up going to rehab and getting clean. He'll convince you that you have no reason to not get back together now that he's sober. Don't fall for it. Be strong. You got this!

Oh.. and remember mr Match.com! He wants to keep you sucked into his drama. Don't do it. Let him find some other sucker.. ahem.. girl to string along. Please make yourself the priority that he never did. Let him deal with the guilt that he neglected his kids. This is NOT your burden to bear.

Being his "supportive friend" is not going to work and I think you know that. The romantic relationship may be over but being friends will be no different than being married to him. He will still drag you down, expect to lean on you, borrow money, etc., etc., etc. He will continue to use you.

You were the only stable thing in his life. He now needs to learn to do for himself, to be his own stability. You can't help him right now.

You've clearly done the right thing and made the right choice and in turn have made him hit his rock bottom. Which is what he needs.

My Ex was into the same Sht, spending all our money on his addiction. I finally after YEARS gave him the ultimatum; addiction or get help. He choose his addiction so i left with our 2 kids. He begged to get his family back but i refused until he got help. He had every excuse, he couldn't leave, had no money for rehab, didn't wanna leave his kids you name it!

A few months after all of this he actually ended up passing away in a car accident. Tragic absolutely but i am so glad he didn't pass away for reasons relating to his addiction. I would HATE to have to tell my children that story.

Unfortunately addiction is a life long battle and almost every addict will relapse. Its hard to stay by and watch it happen, especially if you dont need to... . I dont think its healthy and beneficial for you to remain friends because you will become embedded in this mess again and its tragic.

Spare yourself.

drug addicts lie! They are lying liars that lie out their lie holes.

Meaning his whole cry baby confession is quite likely a manipulative lie. Whatever he said, is probably KINDA true... ×5. If he swears he didn't do whatever... he did.

Shook & sobbed & cried... only another manipulation.

Believe NOTHING from his lie hole. Protect yourself. Stay strong.

AJ, I agree with the others who wisely said to NOT have a relationship with him until he has been SOBER.

Your wounds are raw and fresh and the hurt is all too prominent. It would be SO easy for you to get sucked back in to this mess he has created for himself.

He is an addict. There is a high possibility (probability) that he will relapse. You need to take care of YOU, first and foremost. If the romantic relationship is over, there is no reason to stay married. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I'm with everyone else who says to not have a relationship with him till he's sober at least 6 months but I'm going to go a step further.

Walk away from him completely. Don't have any kind of a relationship with him at all. For your sake and for his.

Addiction is a strange and wild beast. You, through no fault of your own, could be one of his triggers or excuses to start using again.
You don't need him in your life blaming you for his addiction or his relapse. And he will relapse. In some areas relapse rates are at 90%.

Focus on yourself and your healing journey. Put him in the past and leave him there.

I agree - no contact. But I honestly wasn't worried because he won't go to rehab and you said you wouldn't speak to him if he didn't.

I just wanted to add that you shouldn't feel bad for not knowing. One of my best friends was dating a guy who OD'd, was in the hospital, and tried to convince my friend he had some kind of weird virus. She's a nurse so she found his chart and he had tested positive for heroin and meth. She walked away and didn't look bad. Cost her $$$ that they had invested together.

If he truly loved you and his children, he would have gone to rehab a long time ago. Before you left him and now he has no one to support him.

{{{hugs, hugs, more hugs, and another hug for good measure}}}

He is an addict and you are an enabler to his addiction, you will have to cut ties, move on and not look back. Just like they tell addicts in recovery they need to cut ties with old drug buddies, it's the same thing for enablers.

If you allow a friendship next thing you know your good old junkie buddy will be asking if he can just crash at your apartment "strictly platonic of course" he just needs a friend. And then onto having you help watch the kids "could you just be a pal and let us crash here, it's safe with you and kids miss you." Before you know it your friendship will evolve back into your relationships and you will be right back at square one.

I don't say this to be harsh or mean, just honest, especially since you are in a bad head space. You need to cut ties and find other ways to replace the things he's "withholding" that he seems to be eeking out in small increments as ways to keep trying to reel you back in.

I'm going to just focus on you. This man is toxic to you on so many levels. If you love him - you need to STOP LOVING him for your salvation. This man needs to be REMOVED FROM YOUR LIFE PERMANENTLY. It doesn't matter if maybe he can be rehabbed.

And you can stop loving anyone. It is not easy - but it can be done. I loved a man with all of my being many years ago. I put up with so much. I would have done anything to keep him but he left me for another. I still would have taken him back no matter his horrible transgressions. I had horrid pain for a long time.

But I did get over him. Today - I would not cross the street to say hello to him. If we'd stayed together I would not have had the great life I have had. Nor would I have the great DH that I now have. I am so happy that I got away from him. You will be too.

The critical part is to have ZERO interface with them.

AJ - I did not read all the comments...... but Hon... you have to cut the stings, not even being friends,
he's simply manipulating you with emotional black mail.... now you are good enough to be contacted and to know the truth, what about before??

Yes I know it's not easy to cut ties, we still love them, but honestly... we are not doing ourselves any favors wondering if it could work given time. It did not work out the first time, why would it the second time? The same problems will be there unless they really do change but that's like a 5% possibility......

This man is not your responsibility anymore, yes you can tell him, we can talk when you are clean and sober, but untill then I do not want to have contact with you... the longer you do not have contact the better it will be for you, you'll see

Now tell us about your new accommodations, the peace you have, the light feeling on your shoulders, how are you going to decorate, any house plants?? Nice Orchids or bonzai trees to keep you busy and calm... how's the 4paw baby doing being without his buddy?

My exH is an alcoholic. He is sober now and 2+ years dry and counting. He truly has beaten the addiction and turned himself around. It took near death, me leaving the country, losing BS16 for 2 years, me blocking him from everything and having ZERO contact with him for 2.5 years. He lost the house we had, friends, marriage, his child for a time. Everything.

Best thing I ever did was leave him...and the country. I had zero contact with him while BS16 was living with my family. I was his enabler while we were together. Losing me made him deal with his addiction. It made him spiral downwards and hard but he got through it. All on his own, his decision, his choice, his will power and determination to live.

You cutting ties from him is what you both need. You repair you and he does whatever he does. Not your concern anymore. The only person you can support and fix is yourself. Don't look back and don't let anyone damage you again.

Feel free to inbox me if you want. I do understand what you're going through and happy to talk any time xx

Listen to me: DO NOT offer yourself up as a reward for him going to rehab. He needs to do this for himself, not as a manipulative ploy to keep you in his life. You need to stop talking to him. I know this sucks... This really really sucks and it really hurts and you don't want to feel like you've abandoned an addict and his family but you need to STOP talking to him.

He is NOT coming to his senses. If he was he would already be in therapy. He is NOT coming clean by admitting all of these things to you. You already know these things! He's telling you what you already know in an act to seem like he's self aware and wants to change. People who want to change will take active steps and once they are in a better place they will maybe, with the guidance of a counseler, reach out to those they hurt.

As Gimlet perfectly stated, this is not happening in a way that promotes any kind of healing. The things he is saying are band-aids slapped on gaping wounds. Step away from him, stop carrying his cross for him, and work on yourself.