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Feeling blah about skids

strugglingSM's picture

I'm going out on a limb here, because I know this is a hot button issue for folks, but I've known my SSs for three years and I still only feel a sense of tolerance for them, not love. I'm not sure I'll ever feel love for them and I think the feeling is mutual. They are like demanding houseguests who stay at my home every other weekend. I'm like a cross between the nanny and the innkeeper for them. We say hello and good-bye to one another, but it's mostly me saying hello and good-bye. Sometimes, DH tries to get them to hug me before they leave and that's awkward for everyone.

We get along fine, I don't dislike them, but they are relatively unremarkable. They don't try hard at school, don't really try hard at the sports they supposedly love, and don't seem to have any real interests other than playing video games and either watching or talking about YouTube celebrities. I try to have conversations with them, but they usually involve me asking questions and getting one-word answers. They think mostly about themselves, not others, demanding that DH spend money on them and pouting if they only get one treat when we're out, not two. In the time I've known them, they have never gotten DH a present or even a card for his birthday, Christmas, or Father's Day. I think if they were my own kids, I'd feel sort of disappointed in them.

When they are with us, they come to me (not DH) when they have questions or need things, so I know they feel comfortable around me and they know I will help them if they need help. Other than when they need something, the only time they really care if I'm around is if I don't attend one of their sporting events, even though they don't talk to me at their sporting events because BM is there. DH has to remind them to say hi and thank me for coming, otherwise I wouldn't even get a nod from them. Still, they always want to know after the fact why I didn't show up.

They are also a bit high maintenance and emotionally needy, which is maybe due to the divorce, but I don't feel as if it's my job to make up for the fact that their parents got divorced. I'm not okay with middle schoolers having screaming, crying meltdowns for hours, especially over things like bedtime or not getting to go to some age-inappropriate event. I'm not okay with having to bite my tongue in my own home and not call DH out for doing something inconsiderate or irresponsible when his children are around, simply because they are extra sensitive about conflict since their parents fought all the time. I try to be sympathetic, but BM refuses to have them see counselors to help them cope and I don't think everyone should tip-toe around them because their parents are divorced.

I don't have any children and am not sure I want any. DH would like for us to have a child, but I think part of his motivation is that if I had a child, I would feel more tied to his family. I'm not sure I would. MIL has been nice to me, but she still expresses a lot of opinions about what I should be doing as a stepmother and how DH shouldn't spend any money on us, because it should all go to his children. She also feels tremendous sympathy for BM and has meddled in some of DH's conflicts with her. BIL and SIL have been stand-offish. Their children don't even know who I am, but BIL and SIL rush out to bring their children to say hi to BM whenever she drops the kids off at a family event (even though DH got divorced when their children were 3 and 6 months). DH says "they are just protective of my children."

I plan to high tail it out of here (with DH) and move closer to my family as soon as SSs are 18. I'm sure this will cause fighting for us, but DH agreed to a move before we got married and since I haven't exactly been welcomed into his family with open arms I have no support system here other than DH. I don't even get to see my family much any more because money is tight and most of the extra money we do have is spent on the children. That and if DH and I did go alone, everyone would have something to say about how terrible we were for not taking the children with us. Even though DH agreed that we could move when the kids are adults, he has simultaneously been working to convince me otherwise and even told MIL about it. She encouraged him to buy us a home that was too expensive for us, so we'd be "stuck here."

I'm writing this here, because I can't share this with my DH. I know that his children are a huge part of his world and it feels strange that he is so excited when they are around and just wants to do everything with them, while I just feel sort of emotionally detached about having them around and can't wait for us to do things together, with just adults around. He and I have also talked about the need for us to have part of our life together that does not revolve around his kids. I told him before we were married that I would need that in order to be happy in our relationship. He agrees this is needed while we're discussing it, but then makes excuses later for why he can't follow through (he's too tired to do things on his non-visitation weekends, he needs to rest because he feels like he's getting sick or his foot is bothering him, he doesn't want to spend money because money is tight).

Maybe I would feel differently about the kids if DH was more willing to also work on us, maybe I would feel differently about the kids if DH's family was more welcoming, maybe I'd feel differently if I had met them when they were younger (middle school kids are pretty difficult to like sometimes, let alone love), but part of my feeling has to do with the fact that they are pretty boring overall and expect to be treated like pampered princes when they are around.

Comments

tankh21's picture

WOW.... I read all of this and you sound exactly like how I feel because I thought you were describing my SS's. I don't think our DH's will ever understand the concept of how we feel and we just want to feel like everything doesn't revolve around the special spawn snowflakes. Random people have asked me if I love my skids will I tell him no but, I care about them and want them to grow into successful adults and that is truly how I feel but I can't help but want to scream when my skids are hovering around my DH asking for things and trying to get their own way all the time because it works on BM and they don't seem to understand the concept of our rules are different than BM's.

strugglingSM's picture

The only thing that makes me feel any better is that I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I try to explain it to other people by asking them if they love their in-laws. Stepchildren are essentially in-laws. People don't get upset when someone doesn't love her mother-in-law, father-in-law, or her husband's siblings, so why should they feel any differently if she doesn't love stepkids?

sunshinex's picture

If anything, I genuinely think it's harder to love stepkids than in-laws because they require a lot more work. I can easily love my SIL's who I can get together and have drinks with and go shopping and stuff.

My stepdaughter is 6 and a lot of work. It's a very one-sided relationship where you truly get nothing back. You're essentially parenting without any of the reward. Of course it's hard to love them. If anything, people should be surprised when someone DOES love their stepkid lol.

I personally think a lot of people lie about loving their stepkids to the point that the world thinks it's odd if you don't. I remember at the beginning of my relationship telling DH i would be a freaking weirdo if I loved his kid... Why would I love a kid that's unrelated to me so soon? That's creepy.

sunshinex's picture

This is a great article

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenna-korf/why-nurturing-a-stepchild_b_306...

I went over this with my husband a year or so ago so he could understand. Since then, he tries really hard to make SD someone who "gives back" in the sense that I don't have to pick up after her, nag her, etc. and she uses her manners when she does need something. Kids should be taught this anyway, but it's almost especially important in a stepfamily.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree, the reciprocity is key. Whenever I'm cleaning up after my SSs or arranging things for them to do on our weekends, all I can think of is, I'm doing all of this now and later they won't give a second thought to me. Of course, I'm not even sure they'll care for DH when he's old, but knowing that there is no reciprocity (other than an awkward forced thank you at DH's urging) is sort of a big deal.

I also agree with you that it's probably more likely that people don't love their stepkids than love them and a lot of SM's who gush about loving their stepkids are either fibbing or trying to convince themselves. BM always posts things on FB about "my three loves" or "my heart" with a picture of her two kids (my SSs) and her SS. Her SS is an awkward teen who according to the kids, spends most of the time sequestered in his room. She and her "husband" (I put it in quotes because they are not legally married even though they had a ceremony and tell everyone they are married) go away all the time and leave her SS by himself. She even used to try to convince DH to take him on his weekends with his kids. So, really, does she love that kid? I know she's one who presents a different image of herself online, so I should just take that for what it is. I'm sure there are some people - maybe those more prone to love - who feel something for their stepkids, but man it's not a natural feeling at all. Fortunately, no one has asked me if I love my stepkids. I'd have a hard time not being honest and unless the person asking was a fellow stepmom, I doubt they would be ok with my saying "not really."

sunshinex's picture

In all honestly, I don't always feel love for my stepdaughter and she lives with us full-time. I've been helping DH raise her since she was 2 and she's now almost 6 years old. Sometimes I have moments where she does things and my heart flutters a bit for her, but I certainly don't love her and I don't even miss her that much when she's gone to her moms in the summer.

I actually enjoy it (a lot!!) and kind of dread her coming home because it's just a lot of extra work and less couple time. I would never admit this outside of steptalk, especially now that we're 6 weeks away from having our baby and I'm set on treating her the same as our child because I don't want any resentment in my family, but it's how I feel.

I just fake it. I fake love for her, because it's easier than having our family seperated, but my situation is different than yours. SD is pretty much my daughter given that i'm the primary "mother" figure raising her, and i'm having her sibling. You said your SS's are middle schoolers, you didn't meet them young and you don't plan on having children. I see no issue with you not loving them or feeling "blah" about them.

They're essentially not your kids and don't need to be treated as such. Does DH feel you should be treating his kids as your own? Do you have to spend your money on them? Maybe you would be happier splitting up your finances and taking some time for yourself once in a while, especially if he won't plan dates/do things when you don't have the kids.

strugglingSM's picture

DH feels that we should all act like we're a family and that I should be happy to participate in any and all activities with the children. So, while he would say that he doesn't expect me to treat the children as my own and told me repeatedly before we were married that "I'm not looking for a mother for my children", he really does expect me to act like a mom to them. He keeps saying that he hopes that someday, I will love them. I try to be honest with him and tell him that I may never feel love for them and he needs to be ok with that. I've shared a bunch of articles on stepmotherhood with him, but he usually just gets defensive.

sunshinex's picture

Yeah, it's really hard and for some men, I think there's no breaking the perfect family fantasy. My DH would be crushed if he knew that I don't actually have much love for his daughter. Her mother definitely doesn't. In fact, her mother loves her less than I do... She's got no biological instinct or bond and has mentioned before that she feels like she's babysitting when she has her in the summer. So that makes it even harder because the poor 6 year old girl has no "mom" that actually feels the way a mom should.

strugglingSM's picture

When we were engaged, my DH said to me, "I want us to be a family like my brother and his family." I told him we'd never have that, because even if we had our own children, his children would always have a different mother. His brother's wife doesn't have to deal with an angry, prying ex-wife who tries to nose herself into their business.

That said, I think BM is trying to create her perfect fantasy family with her new "husband". She makes my SSs call their stepfather "Dad" and refer to her and her husband as "our parents", she also tries to keep DH from interacting with the kids during the week and doesn't tell him about school events. I think she would totally try to cut DH out if she didn't want his money and if she didn't want to unload the kids on someone every time her husband wanted to go away.

SM12's picture

One piece of advise I have for you is to stop worrying about what everyone things. Who care is your Skids get upset if you don't go to a sporting event. Are you sure it is the kids who are asking where you are? Or is it your DH just "claiming" they asked to guilt you into wanting to attend? My DH tried that with me early on...I didn't buy it and I still don't go to my SS's sporting events. IF the Skids come to you directly and ask why you didn't go...Just tell them straight up "I didn't go because I didn't think you ever realized I was there in the past considering you never spoke to me" Or just say "I had other plans" and leave it at that.

And if your MIL is meddling and taking BM's side...just avoid her. You are an adult who doesn't need her to tell you how to live. Same goes for the BIL and SIL.

Stop carrying what they all think. And Start taking a little money out of your check each pay period to set aside. Once you have a little built up, go see your parents. WITHOUT the kids. Who cares if they get mad.

strugglingSM's picture

I think it's partly the kids asking and partly DH trying to make me feel guilty. The first year I knew them, they got all excited when I was going to their game. So excited that they told BM over the phone. She then high-tailed it to a game she had no intention of going to (before I was around, she'd totally go off and do her own thing on DH's weekends, now she makes a big show out of "supporting the kids" and going every weekend). They still didn't talk to me at the game or ask if I saw any of their plays. I think they were excited because they knew I was important to their dad and that made them want me to like them, too. A bit of the novelty has warn off for them by now, however, so not sure they care as much about what I think, but they still want their little egos stroked by seeing me at their games. One of them still wants me to like him, but the other one has become kind of a jerk, in general. Now, I think they ask, but I think they're doing it to be manipulative, so they can say that I don't care if I don't go. But, they're right, I don't really care. Their games are boring and neither one is a super star athlete. I went to all the 5th grade football games last year and none of them were great. SS was always confused on the field and rarely was the first in on a play. When he mentioned something about the team this summer and I told him I knew that because I had been at all of his games he said "stalker...haha, just kidding." In my head, I thought, that's fine, I won't go to any this year and I really don't care. I've told DH that I don't plan to go to any games this year and I already have my own activity planned for the next game.

I hold MIL at arms length. I'm nice to her face, but I'm guarded around her. When she says something that she means as a suggestion, I just smile and nod and go about my business. Took me a while to get to that place. I basically treat BIL and SIL like they are work colleagues or friends of friends. "Oh hi, how are you? That's great" and then go about my business. But still, that means DH is the only person in my support network out here. Even if I don't care what they think, it still feels very isolating to be around a "family" that hasn't accepted me as one of their own.

Right now, I'm unemployed, so I can't justify taking a trip to my parents. I'm hoping to get something soon and a trip back home will be top on my list for things to spend money on, once I have some of it. DH always talks about taking the kids with us, but I told him that when I go home, I like to do adult things, like hang out with my adult friends and relax with my family, not rush around trying to entertain his children. The more DH's family (mostly his mother) comments on why didn't we do this or do that for the children, the easier she makes herself to ignore. She and DH's dad went away together by themselves all the time and did things just themselves all the time, so I don't need her telling me that I shouldn't do the same with my husband just because he has kids who are her grandchildren. She's smart enough now to not mention BM to me and how hard BM's life is or how DH needs to be nicer to BM. I know she still thinks that and still thinks that I need to be nicer to BM (I'm not mean to her, but I ignore her and avoid her), but I don't care about that. I don't feel guilty or bad about ignoring BM and if MIL has a problem with that, that's her problem, not mine. MIL complains that neither DH nor I call her on any regular basis and has complained to DH that I don't always pick up my phone when she calls. Even my mom doesn't complain about that. In fact, my mom waits for me to call and doesn't even comment if I don't call her for a few days. Of course, all of this just makes me want to move away even more.