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The ex-wife is sick

EsaMom's picture

I can give more detail if needed:
I divorced in 2009 and met my boyfriend in 2015. Four months into the relationship I introduced him to my kids but he was very hesitant on introducing his daughter to us. Quickly he began to spend a lot of time with us and my extended family. Family likes him and accepts him. Where I need advice is with his relationship with his wife and daughter. He is a very responsible father and gives way more money than what is expected directly and indirectly. His ex is very sick and is in the hospital so their one year old daughter is staying with us and occasionally stays with her maternal grandmother that moved to be with her daughter. My bf and ex text a lot send photos to each other, meet up for conv. or he even helps with things around her home. He is there for when ever she needs with the excuse that its for the daughter. He doesn't know that I know all this and when I have brought up some stuff in the past he blows it off and says Im nitpicking. I have explained that I am ok with him helping his ex wife due to her illness (heart transplant) but that he needs to include me or let me know when he is meeting up or calling off to "do something for his daughter" keep me in the loop. Allow me to go with him to drop the child off, make me relevant. I have asked him to keep me up to date so that Im not the one asking a million question that makes me seem paranoid. I alone have a very busy life (2 jobs, three sport kids) and take care of the cleaning and cooking and of course bills (he contributes 1000 a month) so Im already stressed out. I just don't know anymore if this relationship is worth it. He is very picky with his daughter and make us feel like walking on egg shells when correcting or guiding his daughter. Is it time to let this relationship of almost three years go? He has lied in the past and only until I've proved to him what I knew did he fess up, nothing big but that throws me off knowing that he is ok with deleting and lying about things.

hereiam's picture

It sounds like he needs to be single, until he can get unenmeshed from his ex.

Plus, the lying and sneaking around.

This is not a relationship I'd want to be in, always wondering and never completely trusting.

EsaMom's picture

I agree, totally sucks because he tries so hard to make me happy. Rushes to pick up his daughter to come right back. He doesn't know how to say no to anyone. His daughter is his life and the ex knows that and rides that out. I truly believe he hasn't cheated but after three years its ok to break her heart and give your new woman the #1 place. I do it all the time to demonstrate to him that the faster he does it the easier and less stressful moments will be.

Thank you!

hereiam's picture

Actually, I wasn't even thinking of him cheating, he lies and sneaks around. Trust is about more than being physically cheated on.

SMforever's picture

You deserve someone who is free to be fully invested in his relationship with you. Lying and deception is only the tip of the iceberg. Your gut tells you something is wrong - don't ignore that gut feeling. It is awful to know you are dealing with a deceptive character who then gets pissy when you question his motives.

He sounds likely motivated by guilt and regret. If he wants to be back in his wife's life then let him have her, but tell him to take a hike because he can't have his cake and eat it too. Just doesn't sound like his baggage is bringing much value to your family. You have better things to do than play detective.

EsaMom's picture

Thank you!
He really is a great man, that does for the world but doesn't comprehend that the ex has to be an exception. He knows my entire family and routine but I have only meet his parents once his siblings twice and the ex once in the (almost) three years. It just feels like he is trying to keep me separated from his life. His ex- still calls his parents MOM and DAD. She is always texting "our daughter" and "we are the only one she has". She continuously tries to make it seem like they are one. I know his texts because I have him under my plan (that payment is included in the $1000). You are right there really isn't anything that he is bringing to the table besides some handman skills, but my family is full of handymen.
Thank you!

strugglingSM's picture

I agree that your BF needs to not be in any relationships, because he's still in a relationship with his ex. He should seriously think about how his relationship with her has changed since they broke up. He is providing her with emotional and financial support and also playing the husband role with her. If he feels he needs to do that because she is ill, that's perfectly acceptable, but that means he doesn't have space in his life for another relationship. By not keeping you in the loop and doing all of those things for his ex without you, he is creating a separate life that you aren't part of, which isn't compatible with a functional relationship.

EsaMom's picture

uuuuuu! I like that, how has his relationship change since he got involved with someone. thank you! His excuse for doing for the ex is that if noone does things, the daughter gets the consequences. I am fine with him helping but let me know, include me.

hereiam's picture

Then he should have stayed married, as now his daughter has to deal with the consequence of divorce.

If no one does those things, that is on the ex-wife, it is her daughter to take care of, also. Taking care of the kid while the ex is sick is one thing, helping the ex around the house is another.

I hate when people use the excuse "but it's for the kids". No, it's not.

EsaMom's picture

totally agree, I have even offered to help her in her home if need be when she is home (she is in and out of the hospital) but he doesn't even offer it to her. I don't know of too many times that he has helped her, but the fact that he has and he hasn't told me is what makes this scary. How many other times are there that I don't know of.

EsaMom's picture

ok your post really hit the nail!!!! Im not going to lie it made me a bit mad but only because I have felt this way for a long time and you described it in a sentence. lol decisions decisions
Thank you!!!

EsaMom's picture

So, so very true! Dealt with this mess with my ex husband and I truly don't care to or need to deal with it again. I hate that my kids are very much comfortable with him and that his daughter fits right in but I can't add to my stressful day by not knowing where he is at emotionally. I have thought that I might have to get my jealousy controlled and he has told me that I just have an issue because my ex is pretty much non-existing. I really think that drives me crazy is that I don't like to disrespect and of course I don't care to be disrespected back.

Rags's picture

He is a liar, he prioritizes his daughter and XW over you. Do you really need us to tell you this is a turd of a relationship?

Value yourself as you should and move on with your life and find your equity life partner who will prioritize you and your relationship over all else. Never again settle for a liar as a partner. Children are the greatest adult and relationship responsibility but do not take priority over the partner and relationship. X's dont even rate at all.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

still learning's picture

You're providing nanny services and sex so he can still be emotionally married to his ex, take care of her and be the good guy. How nice of you to provide these services for their family.

You're worried about throwing 3 years away, what about the rest of your life?! This dynamic is not going to change, it likely will get worse w/exWife getting sick again and being in and out of hospital. She doesn't want you over at her house helping, she wants him.

Wake up sista.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

Still L is right on spot. Seems almost as cold, hard, & unsugar-coated as the way you are being treated in your relationship. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Not everyone gets a happy ending.

I do not see your situation ever improving in this.