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Zipola's picture

I need advice. I am newly wed to a wonderful man and I have a toddler of 3 from my previous marriage. My husband also has a son who is now 12. When we all met everything was fine. All changed until we got married an d my son and I moved in. his son only comes over school holidays. He is rude to me and to my son as well. I once heard him telling my toddler to stop calling his dad dad cos thats not your father. I told my husband that it is not a good idea that they share a room but he insisted stating that his son only comes around 4x a year and my son is always here. When his son arrived he started crying saying that this is his room and all the toys (baby toys which were his but he never used them in over 8 years) are his. Then his dad will say we all going to go out and he will say he only wants it to be the both of them. in the beginning my husband would give in but not anymore. His son sometimes does not even greet me and I dont even make the effort to greet because as growing up I was always taught to greet my elders. I cook for his son and take him where he wants yet he still is rude to me and my son. Now my son does not like being in the house when his son comes to visit as well. My husband still puts him off to sleep and once i even saw him feeding him juice from a glass. His son is rude to everyone in the house and only sometimes does my husband discipline him. When he does his son starts crying saying he misses him and he the only kid at school whose parents dont come for sports day etc. His mum has re-married and they have been divorced for 6 years now. When I walked into the house i greeted everyone an his son was the only one who didn't greet me and my son and my husband swore him to come and greet me. I am trying my best but his son is rude to me and my son and I really cannot stand him sometimes. His mum also started interfering and messaged my husband that her and her husband are having problems. my husband showed this to me. I got so mad and Said this is not acceptable. I messaged her to say she must not message my husband about her love life and she is to only message him regarding their son. My husband is 15 years older than me and gets so jealous when my sons dad comes to take him etc and sometimes ebven forbids me to talk to him etc. but that is petty and not the main issue. My husbands son is not a bad child. He has just been spoilt and whines constantly and manipulates his father. For a 12 years old he acts like a 7 year old compared to his other cousins who are 12/13. He even got jealous that his cousin who turned 13 had a cake and he didnt and was sulky the entire evening. He can be mean to my son and I am always on my guard when he is around. Please can i have advise.

Acratopotes's picture

I'm sorry to say but you are not wed to a wonderful man....

a wonderful man will teach his kid not to be a brat and to respect other people in the house, regardless if this kid cries and play the card I'm COD, a wonderful man will tell him so what get over it you are 12 not 2...

A wonderful man will not show you messages from his ex wife, he will simply text her back.. get lost I'm not your husband and not your friend.

Rags's picture

Your definition of a wonderful man leaves something to be desired IMHO. The issue is not your SS, it is your asshole husband. I suppose that you are gaining clarity on why his XW left him.

You need to follow her lead.

Move on, take care of you, take care of your son. Why would you expose your young son to this waste of skin non man and his toxic spawn?

AlwaysSmiling's picture

I am also on here seeking advice for similar issues. So, I am not an expert on advice giving, but don't mind sharing what has helped.

Don't focus on the negative.

It sounds to me like you have some similar issues that I've been dealing with. I love that you place the blame on parent, and not on child. It is a parenting issue, not a child issue. I believe this also.

Keep your stance on boundaries with the ex-wife. He needs to respect your boundary wishes. I would not contact his ex-wife, though. You will need to rely on him solely to respect that boundary issue.

I would think twice about letting the two boys share a room. If the room belonged to SS before you moved in, you really really should take that into consideration. That is not fair to him to feel as if he is being pushed to the side. SS needs to know that he is wanted and belongs there. If his room was turned into 'the boys room' all of a sudden, and all his toys were given to the baby- think about that from his point of view. I would think that feeling unwanted and not belonging would be cause for him to justify his rudeness. Is there a room that SS can call his own? Does SS have any personal space- space he can get away from everyone if he's feeling unsocial? What are the benefits to SS of your union? If you can't answer that- think of how he can't either.

Do you have some place to go? Can you find some place to go? Can you give DH and SS time to be alone. Before you were there, it was just the two of them. Can you give them some of that time back? This works wonders for us. Every other SD weekend, I leave. Yes- leave. If you can make arrangements to make yourself sparse as much as possible- not every time, but if you can every other time, would you?

Just some things to think about. Good luck!