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My SS's mom moved 8 hours away, secretly married her BF, completely disengaged from boys' lives

lissylou's picture

I've been SM to my DH's boys since they were 4&5. She had an affair, and all she wanted was out of the marriage. My DH wanted to be the custodial parent, she said fine. So we had them weeks, she had them every other weekend.

It's been difficult, DH not having/enforcing rules or chores, me having to do the brunt of parenting and resenting it. For years. Two years ago, when SS1 was in his last year of high school, and SS2 was a junior w/ two years left, she up and moved 8 hours away and secretly married her bf (the one she cheated on DH with.) So suddenly, we had full custody of the boys -- they were with us 24/7. I used to cherish the weekends when they were gone. I needed those times, and suddenly she up and leaves. Nice.

I feel bad for the kids - my DH and I were the only ones who attended band concerts, parent teacher conferences, everything like that. But I also was/am pissed because this was something none of us anticipated, except her. We heard that she was moving through the kids. We found out she married because my MIL saw an obit with her new married name on it. The kids didn't even know.

My ss's grades are failing. His room was so nasty that there were moldy sandwich bags from months ago under his head. He's 18 now. No chores. Nothing. I gave up so much of the fighting about things like chores years ago. But I hit my limit with the mold, the body odor, the attitude, all of it. I snapped earlier this summer when I laid down the law about eating/drinking in his room. I didn't want to fight about it, but after years, I had had ENOUGH. I told him and my DH that he had one week to completely clean his room out, or I would do it. I wrote out a detailed list of the rules I expected as far as his room. I made him and his father sign it. I have gotten so many "I didn't hear you say that!" or "I forgot!" It was MY HOUSE, and I was so so done. I was mad at my husband, my kid, and I guess even the kid's mom. It worked. The kid is now only eating downstairs.

And I exploded about chores today. I am frankly so so so tired of having him around all the time, just because she decided to leave. I hurt for my stepsons, but I'm also selfishly hurting and angry for myself.

I'm just feeling bitter and angry lately. It doesn't help that DSS's mattress was so nasty that we had to dump it and are waiting for his bed to be delivered, and he's been hanging out on the couch for over a week now. I just want him to go into his own space so that I can have a bit of peace from the grumpy, hormonal, disrespectfulness of him.

I hate that I've been counting the years until he moves out since my daughter was in Kindergarten.

I think I've come to terms with being seen as an evil stepmom at this point. His older brother works at a fast food place and has his own apartment and car. When he comes here, he's kind and respectful and pleasant. I would never have thought it would be possible, but it's lovely. I can only hope that this will be the case for the younger one. The younger one has so many good moments, but they are under such a thick layer of hormones and disrespect and snottiness.

Rags's picture

You have created a burning platform that will get YSS to launch if you keep stoking that fire. We did this with our son (my now adopted SS) after he graduated from HS and then turned 18 2mos later.

He had a few choices... be a full time college student in good standing at the university of his choice on our dime.... get a job..... or get out. He chose none of the above. So... we turned him into our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kids butt off with every drudgery of a chore and nasty project we could invent. He scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed, mopped, cleaned, polished, washed, folded, put away, scraped, sanded, touched up, weeded, trimmed, edged, mulched, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, cooked and then did it all over and over again with ever increasing stuff added as his mom and I found things we wanted done. After 4mos he enlisted in the USAF in the delayed entry program. He continued to be our beck and call boy for another 4mos until he climbed on the bus at the MEPS for transport to USAF BMT.

He turned 25 last month, completed his first 6 year enlistment in April of this year, re-enlisted and flies out tomorrow for a 3 year assignment in Germany.

If you keep the flames on the burning platform adequately stoked he will launch and if he is anything like my kid he will turn that leap into good things for himself.

Good luck.