I'm sorry this isn't working out- your DH seems like so many men, wanting that happy smiley family that gets along great but not realising how much work is involved in these relationships and how much is often left to the woman to work all these miracles. Maybe counselling will help you both set boundaries. Don't feel defeated. Work on your self-esteem and maybe posting on here was your first step on the road to dealing with it.

Some families never blend.

My mom remarried to a man with custody of his 5, yes five, boys. She already had 4 kids. A family of 11 living under 1 roof. We never meshed. We were never a "family". I haven't spoken to any of my step brothers in years and most of us live within 15 miles of each other. It's been over 10 years since I talked to a couple of them.

My dad remarried to a woman with 2 boys and my dad had custody of 2 boys from his first marriage. Three of us went EOWE to our dad's house. A family of 9 under 1 roof. We were a normal family. You would have never thought we weren't a nuclear family. We all got along great and still do.

I don't see what the big deal is with taking trips. If he wants to take his kids, great. If you want to take yours, that's great too. There's no sense in forcing together people that don't feel comfortable around each other. I've taken my bios several places and not included skids even though we have them full time. It's not my fault they live with us instead of their mother. My kids shouldn't be forced to include skids every time we do something as a family. There needs to be a separation between parent/child time and family time. DH and I are actually planning a trip a couple hours away to a zoo and botanical garden. We're not bringing skids. It's a trip for me to spend quality time with my children and DH wants to tag along to be there the first time our DD goes to the zoo. That doesn't mean skids have to go.

It sounds like your DH isn't stepping up and playing the parenting role in this case. If *he* wants things to work out with you and if *he* wants to create a family with you, he won't blame your kids, won't act as if your kids don't exist, and won't plan a trip just for his kids. Not sure why he expects you to take his kids on a trip when he's adamant that he doesn't feel like your kids are his kids. Why does he expect you to treat his kids like yours if he's not willing to do the same in return.

It might be worth having a conversation where you sit all the kids down and say, you don't have to love one another and you don't even have to like one another all the time, but we're now a family, so we need to all try to be civil to one another and we also need to agree to do things together on occasion.

If I was in your situation, I might also sign them up to do something where they all had to work together to succeed - like a ropes course or an orienteering course. I know it sounds corny and I'm sure your kids would roll their eyes, but nothing says trust-building like having to find your way out of the woods together. They wouldn't all love one another at the end, but they would know a bit about one another and also have an experience to talk about, which would give them common ground.

I honestly think that part of your problem might be the age of the kids. They met when they were teens and pre-teens and teens and pre-teens can be pretty prickly around one another. I met my stepkids when they were in the pre-teen phase and I try to remind myself every day that it can be hard to form a loving bond with a moody, too cool for school pre-teen, because they are not always fun to be around. I have a fine relationship with my stepkids, but I don't jump for joy when they're coming to stay with us. I'm just better at hiding my feelings than a teenager or college age student.

I think that for teen and young adult kids.... the vacations are more staycations or just you and DH. Particularly when one side of the blended family equation is as toxic as your Skids and DH seem to be.

Good luck.

Granted my situation is different because my DD and SDs are adults but there is more to it. In my ex stepfamily all kids were also adults but they were of similar kind, so they all talk to each other and are still friends on Facebook even after relationship ended etc

But in my current stepfamily my DD is just so vastly different to SKs so I can't imagine what could they even talk to each other, they have no relationship whatsoever. As long as they civil I am ok with it. But I can't imagine them ever be in any kind of relationship.

I'm sorry happy to read this post. I just came to the conclusion this week that it will never really work. I have been with my DH 6 years, married 2. I have 2 daughters 12 and 13. He has an 11 boy, 18 boy, and 21 daughter. They are all so different from my BDs. I would say mine are sweet, extroverts, typical kids that are not perfect. His oldest 2 are very close introverts, have their own conversations and exclude my kids. My DHS youngest boy is a typical kid, extrovert...but loves his siblings and exclusively plays with them. Since they all met 5 years ago I thought eventually they would get along, but I'm really sad to think it will never happen. Just the other day out to dinner the youngest was done eating, my 13 year old is starving and eating everything (extremely rare). He was playing with his pizza and not really eating it, she asked for whatever he didn't eat..but he did not want to..although he was clearly done. I stepped in and said, when he is done he can give it to you. He continued to play with it. Eventually he stopped eating it, I then asked if he was done to please give to her. They are sitting right next to each other. He purposely did not want to be nice, and did not want to give to her. I know for a fact if his BS asked he would have given in a heartbeat. My husband said he did not notice all of this, he did snap at my daughter at dinner, which was not nice. Anyway I was upset for days and came to the conclusion this will never really work. I love my husband, and we work..but the kids really getting along will never. I told him this last night and he was upset. His kids are not kind to mine and never will be. His eldest daughter was the worst and she is rarely in the picture now, but still it's not much better. I think seeing the youngest with no compassion really upset me. I told DH I will no longer join them when they go out for dinner, it just makes things worse. Neither vacations, we took a family one this summer and it really was not great. His kids in one corner, mine in another. Also reading this site made me finally find the word to explain my DH behavior towards my kids, it makes me mad that he never tries to be involved..he is completely disengaged. This morning I spoke with him, unsure why he is mad. He said I am blaming his kids, but my kids turn things into an argument and his don't want to deal with it. I don't buy it, but I think they don't know how to express they really don't want to have a relationship with my kids. My DH gets annoyed with my kids, this won't ever stop until they move out. So we won't take anymore family vacations, or unnecessary dinners together. Maybe when it's just the youngest 3 it will get better, but I am not expecting it to. It's been 5 years and they have not blended.
It makes me sad, but I can't change it. Someone here mentioned when older will they communicate with each other..I don't think the 5 kids will ever get to that point.
If anyone has any advice please let me know. It makes me mad that my DH picks at my kids when they do anything wrong, but can't play a board game with them when it's just us 4 and out of power during hurricane Irma..he is completely disengaged with them.