How best to approach this ?
Hey guys
As you may recall partner has two kids who are now nine and 11. For most part it is okay and I don't have much interaction with the kids as I am often in work when they are there and by time I get home they are gone to bed.
One issue that has developed recently is the girl taking things that are not hers. The first time she was trying to make slime with her friends and went to my bathroom and took my conditioner from the shower. She also took her brother hair gel from their shared bathroom and his toothpaste. I made the discovery in the shower the next day when I had no conditioner she was confronted by partner who made her use her pocket money to replace the items
I at this stage asked him to consider us locking the dirt to our room when neither of us were there. This had happened when the babysitter was here and she had been helping the boy bring in his bike. My concern as I said to partner was I have a very nice shower gel which is expensive and my make up which is expensive in the bathroom. (My skin is sensitive so only certain things work). These total more than 300 dollars altogether and I would be cross to have to replace them or wait for them to be replaced because they went missing.
He felt restitution had been made and became cross that there would be a place in the house that his children couldn't go. He insisted that we not lock the room up and on discussion against my better judgement I decided to go along with it
About ten days later I am out with my friends for a night out at home. As I am putting on my make up I can't find my new blusher. It's a special limited edition blusher from the collection I use and I love it. I bought it special when I was on holiday in Vegas early in the year where it cost 40 dollars. I searched high and low both in my place and partner place searched our cars etc couldn't find it . The thought had popped into my mind that it was so pink and sparkly that it would attract any little girl becoming interested in make up but I had no proof and I thought I was being unfair for thinking that after what had happened. I continued to look for it but started to accept that I would have to buy a replacement
partner was preparing to take kids on holiday this weekend and asked me to help him bring down the suitcases which were heavy. When we went into the girls room we got a strong smell of pee (she still intermittently wets the bed and tries to conceal it). Partner was about to put on a wash so he said we should look and find the stuff. I looked behind the door and lo and behold the missing blusher. Called partner, had him find it and deal with it
She initially denied she had taken it and even tried to blame a friend on the road for it. Only when he went to take her over to friends house to confront the friend did she confess. Turns out she and friend had been in our bathroom again !!
Partner asked me to replace the make up and that he will pay for the replacement in return from holiday which will be happening. The question remains now
Do I lock the room when the babysitter is there and leave a key so he can get in when he is home
Or
Should I just lock up my stuff in a lock box
Honestly I would rather lock the door as next time it could be clothes that go missing (and I don't want them going to the stinky pee room) . But partner still very against it.
Questioning dealing with the fall out and the fight vs just getting a lock box and telling him to go jump in a lake
I think the precedent set now will determine how this goes down. And if it happens again with no punishment beyond restitution I will have to seriously consider if I am going to leave
Ideas? Comments ?
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Comments
Better still have your
Better still have your partner do something about his kid. Yes lock your room, next will be money, jewelry and other things.
This is not a way to live .
At the moment he feels that
At the moment he feels that having her pay for the item be it through pocket money or her savings is the best way as it hits her where it hurts. She has to pay for it and has nothing for herself as a result.
But I agree that things have to be locked up for now as this is a worrying trend. Also if there is any issue/back tracking on re-purchase of my make up when he gets back from being away I will not be nearly as understanding or gracious as I am trying to be now nor will I let it lie
What happens when she runs
What happens when she runs out of her own money, yet continues to steal?
And... she has to buy you new stuff, but what do you do with the "found" stuff? Throw it away? Does she keep it?
The conditioner is used up so
The conditioner is used up so that was gone. The make up has been used by someone other than me and has to be thrown out as a result cause who knows what it was actually used for.
As for the other question I don't know what would happen but I would assume partner would try to pony up the money. Either way I will be taking active steps to make sure my stuff is off limits. The rest beyond that is for him to parent her as he chooses. Cold as it sounds once my stuff is safe and protected I really don't care what she does
He also stated that since the
He also stated that since the friends were in our room the friends are banned from the house and no more sleep overs
I would lock my bedroom door
I would lock my bedroom door and tell my husband to jump in a lake (I like that expression, need to use it more). But, maybe set a compromise now.
"Dear, this is the second time that my expensive items have gone missing. I will be locking away my things to prevent them from being taken. If I find out that any more of my things are taken after doing this, I will put a lock on the door whether you like it or not. I don't appreciate having my things taken, then being lied to about who took them. If you feel restitution is acceptable punishment, I cannot argue that. However, I can and will protect my belongings as I see fit. If you do not want a lock on our door, then make sure this doesn't happen again."
Say it and walk away. Do not leave it for discussion. You aren't telling him hoe to punish his child, and you won't allow him to tell you how to protect your stuff. It leaves the ball firmly in his court. Yes, he may become upset, but stand firm. If you are already okay with the idea of leaving if this persists, then it shouldn't matter if he responds negatively. If he does, that tells you how much he truly cares about you versus appeasing his children.
I do love that expression as
I do love that expression as well.
She is nine now and I am not willing to put up with this behaviour long term. I have nice things that I have worked long and hard for and will not be sharing. This is not a pattern I will be willing to tolerate for long.
My compromise at the moment is going to be this : my stuff in lock box. When I am there or he is there the room can be open but when it's just the babysitter is there the door needs to be locked
A lock box solved my problem.
A lock box solved my problem. I also have locks on my laundry room cabinets for the same reason. DH didn't like it but I told him if he didn't care to correct the problem I'd do so the way I wanted. No issues since.
I think a lock box will
I think a lock box will probably be the way forward and then locking the room when we are not there.
It's good to know that they do seem to work. The only thing to worry about is somewhere to keep the keys that is safe but so I don't lose it either
IF you decide to lock your
IF you decide to lock your room or other doors make sure to look at the lock to SEE if anyone can pick it.
What do the kids say about this?
Just curious.
The older child, the 11 year
The older child, the 11 year old boy is aware of situation but hasn't said anything in regards to it
The girl has lied when questioned about the make up only to admit to it when she was about to be taken across the road to her friends house. To be honest she stuck so throughly to the story that I had almost believed her. It was only when he said let's go confront the friend that the truth came out - apparently the friend was suppose to be away and she was hedging her bets obliviously that the girl would be gone
Honestly I don't care what the kids say or think- the brat has brought it on herself. She was given a chance to stop after the conditioner and didn't. I do feel sorry for the boy as he did nothing wrong and is locked out of the room but really they have their own rooms and own space - they don't need to be in mine
I will deffo need to make
I will deffo need to make sure that it can't be picked
I also need to figure out a way to make sure I don't lose the keys somewhere
If you get some Velcro you
If you get some Velcro you can put some on the key, and secretly attach the other piece to the inside of a bathroom cabinet or inside your closet. Everytime you use it you just put it right back where it belongs and that way it's never lost.
I have a little lockbox with medication that I like to keep locked up, and it works really well since I did the Velcro thing. I use to lose the key for it all the time before I did that.
That's a great idea I am a
That's a great idea I am a sucker for losing keys
Would locking the bathroom be
Would locking the bathroom be a compromise? Look into locks that use a code instead of a key. I had to lock a room for a period of time and finding the key was always a pain.
No lock on bathroom door
No lock on bathroom door unfortunately but perhaps one could be fitted as a result
It was disturbing when we had
It was disturbing when we had to get a keyed lock to our bedroom door because we couldn't trust an adult skid. I had never had to live like that in my life. All part of life with skids. I think skids are different then nice normal stepchildren
I have one of those as well.