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Thinking of Leaving, Need Some Encouragement

Lost17's picture

I've been married to DW for a little under 3 yrs, dated for 2. I also recently resigned my active duty commission (I was a an officer in the military) at her request so that she wouldn't have to keep moving her kids, SS age 6 and SD, age 8 around for the next 12 years. So I did and this was fine as I got a great job in a decent city about 2 hrs away from her family. However, she still is not working and the financial strain has been and is killing me, but I digress. My SD is incredibly difficult. Everything with her is a fight and it's clear that she is filled with rage and it likely stems from DW's decision to just up and leave BD long before I was in the picture. However, DW blames me for not having a good relationship with SD. She holds this over my head and refuses to believe that SD is manipulating her to get what she wants. Granted, I have a short fuse when it comes to SD because she treats me like crap and DW's response to this is, "well she does it to me too." My relationship with SS is solid and although SD is irritating, I try to treat them exactly the same so I know it's not my fault that my relationship with SD is not great.

There's more: DW takes out her emotional frustration on me and I feel like a total whipping post. When I try to stand up for myself I get shot down and the claim is, "well I'm frustrated with the kids and you shouldn't take it personally." DW's method of child-rearing is 120% child-centric, which I wasn't exposed to until after we got married and the kids lived with us full-time. Immediately my needs no longer mattered and the only thing that matters is now "how much fun" the kids are having. DW, I believe, has an unhealthy obsession with her kids. Every second she is not with them she cannot have a good time and relax because she is too worried about them and whether they are okay or having fun. This is whether we have a sitter or whether they go to their grandparents for the weekend. I'm totally lost. I'm expected to follow everything she says and do what she wants me to do when it comes to them. My thoughts on parenting fall on deaf ears since I don't have kids of my own and I "wouldn't know." I get the same response when I mention that she worries too much about the kids and that they're fine. So at the end of the day, my needs don't matter, my dreams don't matter, because I'm a parent now and this is how it is. I stopped doing the things I love, if we are on a family outing and I have to work the next monring and want to go home at a decent hour I get yelled at because I'm being selfish and it's not all about me because the kids are having fun.

I'm expected to pay for everything and when I suggest DW get a job she screams at me and says she's not going to work in a restaurant (even though that's what she was doing when we met and she has over 8 yrs of fine dining experience).

Then there's the Hindu cult. At first I thought DW was just trying to find herself or get right with her spirituality, but during the past two years, she has become more and more attached to this Nithyananda character in India. Has anyone heard of him? He claims to be this "god-man" and has worshipers all over the world. He offers "inner bliss" and "enlightenment" for the low price of $12,000 U.S. Dollars plus the cost to travel to India. He claims that you can manifest jewels and gold (I know, I feel like a nutcase just reading this as I type). I went to a local "workshop" put on by one of his followers and the scene was marginally freaky: there was a shrine decicated to a cardboard cutout of him and someone gave a demonstration in which he allegedly was able to read blindfolded because he had been "enlightened" by this guru. DW bought it tooth and nail. Me, not so much. I was truly saddened and concerned that DW could be this gullible.

Anyway, this has turned into an obsession and DW watches his youtube videos nonstop and wants (and expects me to pay) for her to travel to India for this retreat. I refuse to do it. When I tried to talk to her about my concerns she screamed at me and told me how devistating and insulting it was for me to not believe in this guru and that we are "blessed that he's here on earth now, and that going to this retreat would raise our vibrational frequencies so high that when we die we will be that much closer to eternal enlightenment." Again, I'm embarrassed to even write this as it sounds so crazy.

We are in counseling and I'm hoping the counselor can bring DW back down to reality, but notwithstanding the cult thing, I don't know that DW will ever change her child-centric views of parenting. I'm very sad, I feel like a total failure. I don't want my family to see me as a failure but I can't contitnue to live in a situation where my needs aren't met or even considered, I'm no longer doing the things I love and I'm tired of never being a priority.

I know given everything I've just unloaded here the answer seems clear, but this forum wouldn't exist if everything was black n white and easy, right? This is why I really need some encouragement. Thank you.

fairyo's picture

Welcome to the site. I'm sure it feels like a relief to get these things off your chest. Is the counselling doing any good? A lot of people here would recommend it, so at least you are trying. I feel for you- this situation is one which so many step-parents identify with, that of coming second/third/ fifth to their skids. I am working through all this myself right now.
I think you know there are so many red flags here- the indulging of the kids- your growing resentment- the lack of support and freeloading- the religious obsession- I am struggling to see what you are getting out of this relationship. I will give you encouragement to see your situation as clearly as you have outlined it here. Follow your heart, you deserve better, set yourself free. Let us know how you're getting along.

Lost17's picture

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words. DW wasn't like this when I met her. Into the holistic stuff-sure, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm wondering if the religious cult thing is just for having lack of time management, too much time not working and feelings of depression on DW's part. and I'm hoping that the counselor can help with the child-centric obsession, but I'm not convinced. I'm not sure if these are issues we can work through or if these are symptomatic of some deeper emotional and psychological issues that are just now starting to surface. It's as if the religion and the child-centric behavior are buffers so that DW doesn't have to deal with her own personal demons and emotional/psychological issues, which run rampant in her family. I feel like a jackass just typing this because we all have baggage or none of us would have gone down this path in the first place, right?

I guess I feel like a part of me agreed to this and I have to stay committed. It's mainly just guilt on my part. Yes, there are red flags, for sure. I guess I'm just full of self-doubt at the moment and don't want to make any rash decisions that I might later regret and I don't want to just be a heartless, selfish jackass (as I'm so often called by DW).

fairyo's picture

They're never like that when you meet them! Then wham! you wake up with someone who seems if not mentally deranged then certainly a little more unstable and flakey than the person you first met. I don't think the cult thing is because she has to much time on her hands- heck she could help the homeless or read to kids in the local school- there are a whole load more 'normal' things she could be doing than stocking up financial credit for eternal bliss by getting you into debt! She could be depressed- I'll buy that one. If so there are plenty of well known treatments and therapies out there.
Yes, we all have baggage and I'm sure there are times my DH looks as if he can't believe some of the things I say and do-and vice versa. It is what makes us human after all.
Mmmm-the commitment thing- if you had known then what you know know would you have taken that step? I was committed to someone for 20 years, we had two children together, but in the end I realised the life I had and the life I wanted were not the same, and my ex had severe mental health problems too. It wasn't for me to be superhuman- I put up with what many women would never have stood for. I had a right to a life and so have you. I still care for my ex and he divorced me in the end but he's still the same and I moved on.
Your DW calls you heartless and selfish? Then call her bluff- tell her you had those traits hidden from her when you met, just as she hid her problems from you.
Life changes, we change- in the end you live the life you choose.

Lost17's picture

thank you, Fairyo. To answer your question, no, I would never have gotten married had I known DW had these character traits. Guess that speaks volumes, eh?

Lost17's picture

Oh I already talked to an attorney and have one lined up and ready to go if necessary. In my state, if married under 5 yrs, no spousal support. Judge MIGHT award nominal support, like $5-10K total but, not likely given the fact that DW is fully capable of working and chooses not to. The law doesn't care that she doesn't want to work in a restaurant. When I met her that's what she was doing so the law requires her to get comparable work. She would have to hire a forensic accountant to go after any of my assets (minimal as she would only be entitled to 1/2 any increase in equity and under 5 yrs it's really hard to prove and she'd end up spending more on an attorney and a forensic accountant than she would ever be awarded in court)

I would offer $10K for a clean divorce, as long as DW would agree to take the money and run, so to speak. Plus I do want to be there for my SS, even if we are not together, as I don't want his life to be ripped apart over this. He'll have enough to deal with, with DW joining a Hindu-esque cult and having an unnatural attachment/obsession with him and his sister.

PokaDotty's picture

Here's more encouragement to see what you have written and make the right decision for you.

This isn't a healthy life. Even if you limp along a few more years out of guilt, do you truly believe this situation will get better? Only you can make that decision. Good luck and keep us posted.

Aunt Agatha's picture

What a difficult life she is creating for herself. Not working / having a means of self support, looking to outlandish beliefs for answers, and poorly treating those around her.

She is not the woman you believed you were marrying. Now that you know who she is, and can make a new life with only a minor, one time penalty, you should consider if you want to live this life of chaos you are now in.

Otherwise, you might come to the conclusion much later - unless I suppose she magically changes back to her first self - and have to pay monthly for a long time.

Lost17's picture

thank you, I don't disagree with you at all. I have my next counseling session early next week and I hope to be able to find the final encouraging push I need to drag myself out of this situation. The more I re-read my original post and read all of your responses, the more inane this whole thing sounds. She isn't the person I thought I was marrying, that is for sure.

DreamingBig's picture

Yes I've heard of him. I had a lot of friends who got on his bandwagon for a while but then he was accused of sexual misconduct I beleive. Whatever it was, all I know is that suddenly no one was talking about him anymore

I reckon you could try giving the woman the bottom line once you have yourself an exit fully sorted. Make a list of everything that has to change and what that would look like and tell her that you can't live this way and if she doesn't want to change anything you will leave.

See what she says. She may wake up right then. She may wake up after you leave. She may not wake up at all.

You should prepare yourself for the heartbreaking possibility that she will not allow you to see your SS. Unless of course you offer CS. But do you really want to be intertwined with her in that way and eventually deal with another SD who will come along? Think long and hard. It's the toughest part of the equation really. IMHO

Lost17's picture

update: I had a one on one session with our marriage counselor, who told me that she believes my DW to be a narcissistic manipulator. WHOA. She said the child-centric parenting is symptomatic of needing control and power and the obsession with this guru is her way of trying to fix an internal problem externally without looking into herself and dealing with her own demons for the answer. I mean, I knew she had issues and I saw the whole cult thing as more of a sickness like a gambling or drug addiction. The counselor also told me that she believes that SD needs very serious help and that I should be concerned about her behavior because SD is also already lying, manipulating and narcissistic at the age of SEVEN! Through counseling, I am now able to see the connection and pattern of this behavior with DW and SD. counselor said that she ordinarily doesn't encourage her clients to split up, but it is something I may want to consider if DW does not seek professional help, one on one.

A couple of nights ago, I tried to reason with DW about these issues and admittedly I was not in a good mood when I confronted her, but I didn't yell or say anything mean or vindictive. I told DW I had a serious problem with this guru and I wished that she could just see it for what it is. Welp, that backfired BIG TIME! I guess when someone is sucked that far deep into a cult there is no reasoning with that person. She told me that it's not my place to question her beliefs (but not so diplomatically). She doesn't see that she has a problem.

She pulled the "you don't have kids and you're not a parent so you'll never truly understand" when I brought up the child-centric parenting. She said her kids would ALWAYS come first. Oh and get this--when I told DW that I still love her and the kids and that I my SS and I have a great relationship, DW said that she accredited that to my SS's personality and not to my working hard to bond wit him. She blames me for everything that is wrong, doesn't take any responsibility for her own behavior and refuses to see her own daughter's actions for what they are. I feel like I'm going crazy!

I'm definitely making plans for an exit, slowly but surely, because I don't think this can possibly end with a happy scenario.

Lost17's picture

update: after several failed attempts to reason with her about the cult thing, and after a lengthy one on one session with our marriage counselor, I know I need to get out. The counselor told me that DW is narcissistic, that SD is also a narcissistic child, and was absolutely adamant that this "hindu guru" is bad news. The counselor told me that she ordinarily wouldn't advise clients to end a relationship, but she thinks it's best for me and my health if we separate. I reached out to DW's brother (he and his wife were visiting from out of town for the long weekend) and my brother-in-law said that my DW (his sister) is one of the most difficult people to be in a relationship with. He was absolutely floored about the guru thing and had no idea that DW was in this deep. He said he thought that she was just listening to him to help her meditate. He and his wife told me that they consider me a blessing in DW's life but that she'll never change and even if this is a passing phase, she'll be onto something else that is equally as bizarre. Notwithstanding all of this, there is still the issue of DW orbiting around the kids and shutting me out emotionally, which is apparently a pattern with her that she'll never change.

I know that I have to end this now. I'm heartbroken and feel like I've failed. :sick:

Now I have to figure out a way to make the separation work. The house we moved into is in both of our names but the loan is in my name and of course I'm paying for everything. My SS is really happy there and I'd like for them to be able to stay there but there is no possible way that DW will be able to cover the mortgage alone. I'm prepared to offer a generous monthly sum for 6 months to help out and help her get on her feet but I'm afraid she'll fail to pay the mortgage after that and mess up my credit.

beebeel's picture

Don't let her stay in the house. You can't save the boy from his own mother. She will figure something out. If you feel compelled to help, offer assisting her with rent on an apartment for a few months -- something she can afford and that won't screw up your credit if she sends all of her money to a Nigerian prince.

marblefawn's picture

Yea, I agree the house should go. They aren't your kids, you weren't in the marriage for 20 years, and whatever you give her will probably be converted to the guru's benefit somehow.

Rags's picture

Your DW tolerating being treated like crap by her daughter is her problem. You dont have to tolerate it and you shouldnt. By that I mean zero tolerance for disrespectful and inappropriate behavior from SD toward you and toward your wife. For my brother or I lipping off to our mother was a near fatal choice. Our US Marine dad tolerated no disrespect toward his wife or himself from anyone. Your SD needs this same message and you need to be the one to deliver it. Your DW needs clarity that you will tolerate no bullshit from the SD toward either yourself or your bride.

I suggest that you take this to a direct disussion with your wife and adopt the tactic that if she doesnt step up to parent and discipline before you have too then she can zip her lip and have your back until the two of you can discuss it in private.

This worked for my bride and I in figuring out how to be equity parents to our son (my SS now adopted). That was the final alignment in making us true equity life partners.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Lost17's picture

Rags, thank you. Sadly, it is easier said than done. DW tells me I'm being unreasonable and that SD is "hurting" or "angry" or "going through a rough time." I've just about had it. DW will in no way acquiesce to immediate discipline. Sadly, I think the writing is on the wall. SD is getting worse and worse and I'm truly afraid that she will end up as a "troubled" individual. She has problems with empathy already. She is in counseling but DW will not enforce any of the counselor's rules nor heed the counselor's advice. DW would rather look to her swami cult-leader for help or "enlightenment" or whatever because DW doesn't really believe in counseling from a licensed therapist....

Rags's picture

With the advent of the additional information .... "DW would rather look to her swami cult-leader for help or "enlightenment" or whatever...." I completely concur with your call that "the writing is on the wall".

Move on to a new life adventure with this whack job and her toxic spawn fading in your rear view mirror. One absolute requirement for an equity life partnership IMHO is the ability to utilize a reasonable level of intellect rather than abdicating to a swami to find enlightenment.

I am not sure if it is an option or if you are interested.... but.... what are the possibilities of recovering your active duty commission? If not... how about continuing your military career the Guard or Reserves? My plans were to commission but unfortunately I was Dx'd with T-1 diabetes when I was making application to the service academies and a career as an officer was not an option for me. I am sure you did not resign your commission lightly. Thanks for your service.

Keep in mind that the hardest thing about any notable endeavor is the first step. Once you take it the difficult part is over.

My condolences on this unfortunate situation.

Dont forget to take care of you.

Lost17's picture

Rags thank you. I did it. I said I couldn't live like this anymore and we are on the road to separation (updated forum topic "I did it.") as far as my active duty commission goes, I'm still in the Reserves and that's about as good as it can get. I can ask to be mobilized in about two years but I actually like my civilian job and I like the city that I live work in (soon to live in as I'm currently in suburban hell --for the kids) and I'm closer to my lifelong friends and family as well, so I guess I'm in the best position I can be in, except for the fact that I'm relatively new at my civilian job and have to deal with an ugly separation...

Sorry to hear about the diabetes. Were you enlisted prior?

Rags's picture

No, unfortunately I was Dx'd with Diabetes when I was applying for the service academies though I was attending a Military School that had a two year early commissioning program. Though it was my dream to commission it was not an option for me. So... I have made my career in the private sector after graduating from Military School for high school. I could not serve due to my disease. I have been told that had I already been at a service academy when Dx'd I may have been able to commission and serve.

I have may friends who commissioned and we remain very close. As many of them have transitioned from military to private sector careers I have networked some of them into various companies.

Have you considered double dipping and having an NG career in parallel with your private sector career?

Lost17's picture

Actually, yes. I'm a Reservist now, which is nice because I enjoy my civilian job but I also still get to don my uniform. The good thing about Reservists is that we are guaranteed to mobilize and there are tons of mobilization opportunities available.

You know I was thinking of you...I had a conversation last week with DW and she told me that when she got married, she expected her partner to take care of her and her kids. I told her that was an unreasonable expectation based off of my income. She wanted me to work full-time, which in my line of work is not a 40 hour work-week, and THEN come home and be a full-time parent to her kids, while having me defer to her parenting style. So she expected me to have all the responsibility without any of the authority.

It's still pretty bad (I move out next month) but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And she is still following her guru...I've made her a very generous offer since she's not entitled to anything legally and she still makes me out to be a villain.

She doesn't get that it was never my responsibility to pay her child support or pay for her kids...I was happy to assist, but she never figured out that it is her and BD's responsibility.

Lost17's picture

Actually, yes. I'm a Reservist now, which is nice because I enjoy my civilian job but I also still get to don my uniform. The good thing about Reservists is that we are guaranteed to mobilize and there are tons of mobilization opportunities available.

You know I was thinking of you...I had a conversation last week with DW and she told me that when she got married, she expected her partner to take care of her and her kids. I told her that was an unreasonable expectation based off of my income. She wanted me to work full-time, which in my line of work is not a 40 hour work-week, and THEN come home and be a full-time parent to her kids, while having me defer to her parenting style. So she expected me to have all the responsibility without any of the authority.

It's still pretty bad (I move out next month) but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And she is still following her guru...I've made her a very generous offer since she's not entitled to anything legally and she still makes me out to be a villain.

She doesn't get that it was never my responsibility to pay her child support or pay for her kids...I was happy to assist, but she never figured out that it is her and BD's responsibility.

Rags's picture

Congratulations on making your move to your new life adventure. Your STBXs perspective gave me a flashback. Early in their marriage my SIL (brother's wife) was always of the perspective that she cared for the kids during the day and it was my brother's responsibility to care for them, the house, the dog, dinner, etc... when he got home from work. My brother was running himself ragged.

He asked me how my wife and I dealt with that issue. I outline it for him. My wife and I always managed our domestic responsibilities from the perspective of the work day was from the time I left for work and ended when I got home. At that point it was not my sole responsibility to care for the kid, the house, dinner, etc... At the end of the work day it was our joint responsibility to do those things.

When her career began we kept the same model. The work day started when the first to leave in the morning stepped out of the door and ended when the last to return home at the end of day walked in the door. At that point we worked on things together.

After we talked my brother sat my SIL down and outlined how it was going to work. She wasn't happy about it but it sure improved my brother's quality of life and likely saved their marriage. They have been married 9mos longer than my wife and I and just celebrated their 24th anniversary at the end of Oct. Our son is 6mos older than our niece so we have pretty much been in the same basic phase of marriage in parallel with them.

Equity life partnership is an all encompassing balance and is not just about the financials.

Good luck on your future and thanks for your service.

Lost17's picture

thank you, Rags. Yes, splitting the household/parenting duties when the workday ends makes the most sense and is completely logical...it wouldn't have worked for us, because as you know my STBX is the opposite of rational and logical, but that is some sage advice. thank you!

fairyo's picture

If I am right in thinking this cult leader has been found guilty of rape on several charges and is now in prison? If your DW cannot let go of her delusion she needs serious help. I'm sorry you are in this situation, I think your counsellor is right. Don't delay- you will get through this, but you can't allow these people to ruin your life. Thanks for the updates though, keep us posted.

Lost17's picture

Fairyo, it's not the cult leader that's in prison - I know who that guy is too. Apparently there are several of these "gurus" in India and they prey upon the gullible and vulnerable. This particular cult leader's name is "Nithyananda" and he has quite a following (to my surprise) in the U.S. as well as abroad. He is pending trial in India for sexual assault (what a shocker)... I know, the more I ponder this, the more I am starting to realize that while i'm not perfect, it is not my fault that DW has serious mental health issues and she refuses to see she has a problem. Next appt with our counselor (one-one) is tomorrow and I hope to be able to start the process of separating if DW flat out refuses to get help.

Ispofacto's picture

"if DW flat out refuses to get help"

I watched a documentary (How to Win the U.S. Presidency ) a few days ago about politics. It said people would rather receive false promises than no promises at all. That really struck a chord with me, it is one of the tools narcissists use to manipulate people. No small wonder so many people in politics are narcissists. Over the years in all my past relationships, I received many false promises. Now I recognize them immediately. Beware.

.

If you have netflix, see if they still have Kumaré available, it is an excellent documentary about an actor who goes undercover to pose as a guru.

Another disturbing one is Holy Hell, about a real cult leader who abuses his followers.

Lost17's picture

thank you! I will look up that documentary (after we are separated...I don't think I can handle anything else at this point)

Lost17's picture

negative. Google "nithyananda" and you'll see who I'm referencing. Just as much of a bat-sh** megalomaniac, however.

Rags's picture

Dupe

IslandGal's picture

Mate! Kick her using, manipulative ass to the kerb..she is using you and you are allowing her to. Leave rhem all..and that includes SS. Youre close to him now..but the 2nd you leave she will launch a campaign against you and slowly but surely turn him against you.

This is not a good relationship and she is probably laughing at you behind your back. I have a cousin like this and she used men like toilet paper. She is now 57 and went overseas to marry a 22 year old. Its sad, pathetic and just pisses everyone off because she kept getting away with her narcissistic behaviour.

Have some self respect for yourself..love yourself more and stop allowing this user to keep sucking you dry. Get out and do it now before she falls pregnant and traps you forever.

StepUltimate's picture

Thank you for your service in the military, much respect. Glad you posted, very sad about your DW falling for an Enlightened Guru who is sure to "lighten" the wallet of any willing chump, and also about the damage her "parenting" style has already caused.

There is a ton of cult & guru-specific articles & posts from ex-cult members on the Rick Ross Cult Education Institute website... you might find more info on that specific Guru but it sounds like you know enough already. Good for you for refusing to fund a trip to India. I have a friend who is involved with "Amma," another of these professional con-artists from India posing as Enlightened to gain a useful following. It is very sad, and INFURIATING as this friend is otherwise very smart, common-sense, and down-to-earth; I can't stand it that she's being used. One of Amma's long-time devotees (20+ years as I recall) named Gail wrote a book exposing the Amma scam, but the cult remains strong hecause people WANT to believe. Very very sad.

At any rate, you have not failed and you are NOT a failure. You are in a terribly difficult situation and you are in counseling. You have realized the situation is bad, found StepTalk, and articulated a clear summary of the insanity with your DW's concepts of parenting and devotion to a flim-flam guru. You are taking Action. It's been said, Keep taking the next right action, one step at a time. People on this board have been so helpful and encouraging to me and I'm gaining insight into better ways for me to deal with my own StepParenting challenges; I hope something you read on this board is helpful and encouraging for you.

Lost17's picture

Thank you for the website. I've researched several cult education websites and his name pops all over the place. Our marriage counselor told me separately that DW will have to figure out on her own that her beloved guru is not who he says he is and that DW will be devastated, but I don't think I can stick around for the next "thing" or "belief" she'll obsess over. This appears to be a pattern of taking the easy way out rather than confronting her own demons. DW was out of town for a family event this past week and it was just me and the kids--life was actually pleasant! They listened, barely fought me, were pleasant and I hardly had to disclipline them. Our counselor diagnosed with SD (8) with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (most likely due to...wait for it... years of inconsistent discipline--from DW, go figure). She's normally a terror when DW is home but this past week, she's been great. I even took her to her first concert for her birthday and we both had a blast! I can't help but think that DW is the common denominator. SD needs strict rules and boundaries, which she had when DW was out of town and she behaved like a champ.

SD did not want to go to school today because it was her birthday and she threw an absolute tantrum for DW, who then called me at work to tell me she feels bad and is considering homeschooling. WHAT?!

The last thing SD needs is to be home-schooled by DW! DW promised the counselor that she would be up and running with her home business (I won't get into details here but if she hustles she has the potential to really earn a great living) by the end of October. I reminded her of this when she brought up homeschooling. I told her that once she's bringing in a regular, consistent income to the family then we could consider homeschooling (even though it's completely ridiculous in our situation) and she got angry and ended our conversation.

DW said she does not believe in counseling because she doesn't believe it works (but you have to try and actually listen to the counselor) and doesn't want to label SD (even though she hits every single wicket on the ODD factor list). I feel like laughing because this is all so crazy, but it's my life and it's reality. DW is not taking counseling seriously and I know now that there is no future for us. I need to find a way to end this but of course I'm full self-doubt and guilt. I feel like I'm the one who is going crazy.

Lost17's picture

thank you. I did eventually ended it and posted about it in an update: I did it (Thinking of leaving....). I move into my new place in two weeks, will be happily divorced in less than 2 months. I'm sad about the loss of my marriage, but my DW is not the person I originally married so onward and upward...