Taking Time for Myself Before Baby Comes... DH is Upset??
So for those who follow my story, I'm officially 32 weeks pregnant and starting to get really excited. I am hoping to take off for maternity leave in the next few weeks. SD has been at her mom's house for the past month or so (for her once a year summer visit) and I've been feeling pretty sick lately, but have recently started feeling a bit better. I was talking to DH casually about how excited I am that I'm feeling better because I can finally do some things I won't be able to do when the baby comes, like going to the movie theatres in the middle of the day, reading a book quietly, taking long baths, going out to lunch alone, etc.
He got kind of quiet when I was talking about this, and brought up the fact that SD is going to be back with us full-time this weekend. I just said something like "yeah, that's exciting" and went back to talking about the things I can't wait for. He then got upset and said "I deserve to have some time before the baby arrives too!" and I agreed that yeah, he does, but it might be a bit more difficult considering for us both to do these things together, we'd need to get a sitter and that kind of defeats the purpose of doing them before baby arrives as a first-time mom.
I feel like he definitely deserves to have some time to himself, but at the same time, he's already had his first baby and he should have transitioned out of the "free to do whatever I want, whenever I want" phase that I deserve to have right now before the baby comes. I just thought that was something you did as a first-time parent. I am TOTALLY for giving him some time to himself and watching SD while he goes out once in a while before baby comes, but not to the extent I think first-time parents enjoy.
I'm not really sure how to handle this because I don't want to appear selfish but I also don't want to miss out on enjoying some little things that come along with not having kids. Once I have my baby, my life is going to obviously be forever changed, and I'm okay with that, but I don't ever want to feel like I didn't get to enjoy myself because DH had his daughter. I want to address this but not sure if i'm in the wrong...
Do you think DH was upset
Do you think DH was upset because he is expecting you to be taking care of SD when she returns? Or was he upset because he felt like you were wanting to go do things without him?
Either way you do deserve as much "me" time as you can get until the baby is born, after that you will be lucky if you even get to use the bathroom alone (my BD who is 11 still tries to talk to me through the bathroom door).
I don't think he's expecting
I don't think he's expecting me to take care of her, but I think he was expecting us to kind of "share the load" so to speak because a lot of our marriage has been fairly equal, and I'd of course like it to remain that way. I started stepping up as a parental figure for SD once we decided to have a baby because I don't want our household split - i want both of us handling responsibilities equally. He has agreed before that things don't need to be equal until the baby is here, because he wants me to enjoy life before parenthood a bit too lol.
Part of it may be that he
Part of it may be that he doesn't understand your need to do things independently, and part of it could be that he's just jealous.
I enjoy quiet time by myself, driving to work, reading a book, binge watching tv etc. My DH does not need alone time and because of that doesn't understand that I do. So when I mention wanting or needing quiet time he thinks that I just don't want to be around him and it hurts his feelings.
In our house we have me and DH, 3skids (CP), and DD2, with another DD on the way. So we don't get breaks from kids like we used to before DD2 came along. So now we actually both take a vacation day off work here and there when we can and we send all the kids to school/daycare and we enjoy the day to ourselves.
You should definitely take the time to do the things you want to before you have the baby, but if possible, try to work in some quiet one on one time with DH too, because trust me that's going to be at a premium once baby comes too!
I really think he's jealous.
I really think he's jealous. He mentioned that he never got that time before SD was born because BM quit her job and he had to work overtime as often as possible to afford SD, than BM left shortly after and he was stuck taking care of her. alone I told him I'm sorry that's how things went for him, but that's not something he can hold against me. I wasn't part of that.
Once I explained that, he kind of started to understand. Especially when I told him it's not fair that he's going to make me feel bad for wanting time when he's resentful BM didn't let him have time. I think he does want someone to share the load with, and i've been happy to help in the past, but I wish he would stop making me feel selfish when I want some "me" time.
Is his daughter off to
Is his daughter off to kindergarten here real soon? He can take a day or two off while she is at school if he thinks he needs to 'me' day. Perhaps he can begin to make playdates for his little girl once she starts making friends.
Yeah, because he five/ix years too late to be thinking he is going to get daddy duty off time where his kiddo just magically disappears for several hours (except for school day times) at a stretch.
Does he get any leave for when the baby is born? Truthfully, I couldn't wait for my DH to go to work and top messing with the schedule my last child and I were trying to set.
You will find you will get some 'me' time after baby comes. It won't be what it was, but there will be times of a nice hot bath during the day. And lunch out now and then won't be impossible. Harder, for sure, but you'll get tired of staring at the walls at home and decide it isn't so bad to gather baby up and run out for lunch (chances are baby will snooze through).For me, I think it got harder after the first four months then right after birth.
And don't forget to take a few hours to yourself like Saturday morning. It was Saturday morning that were my 'me me me' selfish time. Those were automatic Daddy Duty mornings. I didn't have a baby or then toddler by myself and my expectation was he helped make the child, he can take his turn at doing the Daddy thing. He was just as capable of giving bathe, feeding kids, burping babies and all that as I was.
She's in kindergarten, yep.
She's in kindergarten, yep. And that's a good point, he can always take a day off if he needs to. And he is definitely almost 6 years late thinking he gets time off. You don't get time off as a parent - that's why i'm doing all the things I want to do BEFORE i become a parent lol.
I actually kind of got heated with him and told him it doesn't make any sense that he wants all this time off. I can't wait to have my baby here and spend all my time with him! I'm not even too worried about time to myself after the baby because he'll be my baby - i'll enjoy every moment with him!
Sure, i'll take a date night once in a while or go out to lunch or whatever, but don't you miss your kids when they're away? Even though they drive you crazy? I just don't understand...
Sounds like my manbaby ex.
Sounds like my manbaby ex. Every time I did something for myself, he was mad that he wasn't involved. I got to travel to a cool spot for work, and he was mad that his job didn't let him do that. I got a promotion, he was mad that he didn't. Everything was always about him. Eventually he got to have his very own life without my interference and he didn't like that either. Pfffft.
Anyway. Take care of yourself. You don't need his permission to do anything that you have time and money for.
This is one of those 6 of one
This is one of those 6 of one and half-a-dozen of the other issues. As a non breeding SParent who has been all in on raising my SS-25 as my own since before he was 2yo.... I still had some heartburn over an occasional tendency of my wife to play the "you deal with it" card occasionally. I really did not have an issue dealing with it but.... those instances ticked the things that make you go Hmmmm? box in my subconscious occasionally.
My personal smell test on your DH's antics is that it doesn't pass the test. He had his chance as an expecting first time parent .... this is your turn. He has responsibilities to deal with that you don't and he needs to facilitate your pre-baby plans.
Just my thoughts of course.
Congratulations on the baby.
Good luck.