Expectations regarding financial support
Some background: my boyfriend and I met just a little less than a year ago. He has a 9-year-old son and shares custody with the BM 50/50. (Though, honestly, he has his son substantially more than half the time.) My boyfriend is a brilliant man with a PhD. Despite his education, he decided many years ago to forgo a demanding career in favor of having the time to spend with his son. He works as a handy man, part time. When I met him, he was making this work by living very frugally and sharing a warehouse condo with several housemates.
A few months ago, we moved in together. It was all a bit of a whirlwind. I was (and am!) so in love with him. I thought that was all that mattered, and I didn't anticipate how challenging life would be with a SS in the mix.
He still does the handy man thing part time. He also gets some small amount of income from a rental property and a *tiny* amount of child support. I make a lot more money. So when we moved in together, I agreed to pay what amounts to about 2/3 of rent and utilities. And since he works only part time, the idea was that he'd pick up the lion's share of the household responsibilities (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.) I'm still fine with that arrangement.
Lately, he has been talking about giving up his part time work so that he can focus on the household. I should say that he does work very hard around the house, and I greatly value all that he does. And it's true that he doesn't seem to have enough time to get everything done AND work outside the home. But --- a large part of the reason he doesn't get it all done is because he is spending so much of his time providing child care. And I can't help but wonder --- if he gives up his part time work, where will he get the money to buy the things his kid needs? Things like clothes, shoes, etc. Beyond shared household things (food, transportation, etc., which I mainly pay for), I'm not comfortable with the idea of having financial responsibility for his kid.
His idea is that we're a team, a single unit. It's "our" money, and "our" expenses. On one hand, I see his point. I would like to merge our lives, including our finances, and not have there be "his" and "mine." On the other hand, I work very hard for my money, and I'm not super comfortable using it to support someone else's kid. And yet, I feel guilty for not wanting to necessarily be responsible for this child that is not mine. I also feel a bit resentful that I'm the one who's expected to work every day (and I do not particularly enjoy my job, to say the least) to make "our" money. Meanwhile, he does the housework, which only takes up part of his time, and then gets to go off gallivanting with the kid --- again, while I have to work. It seems unfair.
Am I selfish? How do other people out there arrange their finances??
No. Just no. He has to earn
No. Just no. He has to earn income sufficient to support his child. This is a hill I would die on.
If I were a betting woman, you will resent him and this idea in a few years if you agreed to it now.
No, just no. Tell him he is
No, just no. Tell him he is responsible for HIS kid. Period. Dot.
I am going to have to agree
I am going to have to agree with above poster. NO! You will be supporting him and this child. If you are feeling resentful now, just wait it will get way worse. You will end up losing respect for this man and see him as a freeloader. Which IMO that's exactly what he is.
Well, it is summer. But even
Well, it is summer. But even during school, the kid is out at 3 in the afternoon and it's crazy how many days they end up having off.
He has never actually said that childcare is taking up all of his time. I can see that it is. He's forever running here and there, picking the kid up, dropping him off. Keeping him for the day when he's sick or school's out for some reason. And, again, it's summer now, so the kid's always around.
In my boyfriend's defense, I don't think he's "using" me. This is the arrangement he had with the BM, who is a tenured professor. She was (and is) passionate about her career. So he gave his up, to be the house husband. Fast forward to now: my feeling is that he wants to "slot me in" to BM's former role. I make the money (my earning capacity is currently about four times what his is), he takes care of the house and kid. But he fails to recognize that his "taking care of the kid" is not a benefit to me. Because: not my kid.
And maybe that's the true issue. In his mind, we're a happy little family. He's said from the beginning that he's part of a "packaged deal." But . . . I guess maybe I didn't fully understand what he meant.
You're right, there is no
You're right, there is no benefit to you. When my husband and I were dating, I often thought it would be nice if he just stayed home because no offence to him, but I made 3-4 times more money than he did and could handle all the bills myself, then he could just make sure the house stayed clean and all would be great. But I never let it happen because I knew he'd get distracted taking care of SD/doing activities with her and that doesn't benefit me. I truly didn't care if she had an involved, engaged parent at home. I mean, it's nice and all, but she's not my kid so why should I pay for it?
I think an arrangement like that would work nice IF he didn't have his child all the time, so you knew the time you're essentially "paying" him to be home would be spent taking care of the home, not someone else's offspring.
You have known this
You have known this user/loser for less than a year and he refers to your income as "our money" and his expenses as "our expenses". Hell to the no.
Open your eyes. This man is worthless.
This is most likely the case
This is most likely the case where the person who coins it "our money" is the one with no money.
Bingo. That's what I always
Bingo. That's what I always think when I hear a bio-parent talk about "our money" -- what they mean is they want to take YOUR money and spend it on THEIR kids.
OP - I have paid for many things for my 3 stepkids...I didn't really agree to it...it just kind of happened by degrees. It's getting better as my DH is getting more work...and he brought a house to the marriage, which naturally helps our cash flow (I had one, too, but I sold mine and put the proceeds in the joint household budget...so I kind of helped pay for this house, too...but it was mostly paid for when we married.)
But, for the past few years, I've been paying 80-90% of the bills and extras here at our house while DH has been trying to launch his business. I've also been working for free for his business.
Here's the important thing to keep in mind...and the thing that my DH finally started to understand. Being a SM is hard enough. It's difficult to try to form a relationship with a kid who isn't yours. It's tough to deal with the disruption that you feel when someone else's kids come into your home on a regular basis. This is ALREADY a nearly impossible situation for you. You're already feeling some resentment about it.
Now, imagine that every time the kid comes over, you're also paying for everything. Every treat he wants. Every time he wants to see a movie. Every school need, school trip...birthday presents for friends. Everything. Imagine that this kid's needs and wants impede your ability to save as much as you'd like or cut into things that YOU want to do. You really think the resentment isn't going to increase exponentially?
This is what I was finally able to communicate to my DH. YOU are making me despise and resent YOUR children because of everything you're expecting me to do. That seemed to get through to him.
"Now, imagine that every time
"Now, imagine that every time the kid comes over, you're also paying for everything. Every treat he wants. Every time he wants to see a movie. Every school need, school trip...birthday presents for friends. Everything. Imagine that this kid's needs and wants impede your ability to save as much as you'd like or cut into things that YOU want to do. You really think the resentment isn't going to increase exponentially? ..."
This - AND add to this the fact you likely have little no no control over what happens regarding SS. You could be paying for these things, but have no say over what is actually purchased or what the cost is, whether it's needed or how it's used. Or, adding to this, any control over rules, responsibility and/or ramifications for behavior.
My DH and I, even married, have separate accounts for a reason. I do not support the SDs. I help buy certain things within reason and within MY comfort zone. I can and do say "no" to a lot. BM and DH made them not me.
But none of my money is "OUR" money - we have a joint account and that's the HOUSE money.
Okay, people. I wonder if
Okay, people.
I wonder if I'd have gotten a different response if the question involved a woman staying at home and a man providing financially.
My man has degrees from very prestigious schools. As do I. I know how these things work, no one is "conning" anyone else. I fully understand the reasons he gave up his career. I tried to keep my initial post as brief as possible and did not particularly feel the need to go into all those reasons, or to defend his decisions.
This was my first post on this website. There seems to be an awful lot of bitterness here. I was really just looking for some compassion and perhaps some advice on how couples have dealt with finances when one partner is the primary financial provider and the other primarily tends the home. And then you throw a step kid into the mix. So --- if anyone has thought along those lines, I'd still be very glad to hear it.
I think your original
I think your original agreement of you paying 2/3 and him paying 1/3 of the household expenses is just fine and fair, presuming you're okay with this.
Do you want a child of your own? If so, it might make sense to have one parent in the home and keep this arrangement.
I just would be VERY reluctant to support his child financially. My family has a similar arrangement. (My husband and I both have terminal degrees). I stay home and work remotely, but I would never, ever expect my husband to pay for the expenses of my child from my first marriage. Of course, we share expenses of our home, but I don't think my husband should pay for my son's extracurricular expenses, even his clothes.
In terms of specifics, you could have three separate accounts -- a household account, your account, and his account that should be used for his child's personal expenses.
This is what my DH and I do.
This is what my DH and I do. 3 accounts.
It doesn't always work out as I make far more than DH and most likely won't say No if he really needs something...but in theory, all kid stuff comes out of his account.
I definitely pay more, and I definitely resent it as I have no kids and he brings 3 to the relationship...but overall, it's helpful. It also keeps me from feeling totally like his mom or the "keeper of the purse" which I think can be demoralizing for both people.
Honestly, though, unless you're just rolling in dough, if you start covering for his kid, this is going to come back to bite you sooner or later. You're going to come up against a conflict between something the kid wants, or something your SO wants for his kid, and something that you need or want. Please think about this and be honest with yourself about how this will make you feel. I think you need to maintain the expectation that your DH cares for his own kid. You won't be sorry if you set a firm boundary now and make that expectation clear.
Giving up your career while
Giving up your career while still in an intact family is one thing.
In that situation both adults are doing what they think is best for THEIR CHILD.
That all changed once the family unit falls apart. When that happens, both parents have to reevaluate their choices. At that point, they both are responsible for contributing to the child's financial well being.
In this case, the mother has continued to financially provide for the kid. Dad on the other hand has found someone to use.
You are being used.
Please listen to these
Please listen to these ladies. It's not bitterness you hear it's EXPERIENCE.
Take some time and read these forums. Do a little digging really take the time to read. I'm telling you, we are only trying to help.
He is using you.
This is coming from a woman who is still in an intact family, no steps involved.
You would have gotten the
You would have gotten the same response from me if the genders were switched. I am not a fan of someone not supporting their child and expecting someone (to whom they aren't even married) to support someone else's kid.
We aren't bitter, honey, we are experienced. We have been through step life. You haven't.
It's not fair to ask for advice and then criticize said advice.
In the words of the departed Echo - "don't want my peaches, don't shake my tree."
Do you have a mansion? How is
Do you have a mansion? How is he justified in quitting his job and just cleaning the house?! Tell him about us women who work full time, manage a home and parent kids too.
You'd get a better deal if you hired a maid and had a non live in boyfriend. This is gonna get old real fast hun.
No you are not selfish. Nor
No you are not selfish. Nor would you be crazy if you decided to do it. Money is one of the hardest conversations to have with a partner and it’s one of the top reason’s relationships fail.
You are in no way required to support his child more than you want to. Nor should you feel bad for not. You already are providing WAY more than some think you should by paying 2/3 of the household.
Now if he quits it’s not that there will be no income on his side. There is still the rental property and the tiny amount of CS. You need to talk honestly and decide if that is enough contribution on his part. Don’t let him bully you into it or make you feel bad. You can always walk away and should if you feel he is trying to guilt you into something.
If he feels overworked then relook at the household responsibilities and child care responsibilities. The kid is 9. He might be capable of taking over extra chores. A child his age can be responsible for MANY of the everyday tasks required in a home. I’m not saying make the kid do it all but if dad feels over whelmed that’s one way to help. Or maybe you can do something more. Again just possible ideas.
Honestly I can’t fathom how much work some people do to keep a house clean. The kids take care of their room when they are home. They move the laundry to washer then dryer and I’m about to teach them about folding and putting it away. They both can put up dishes and SO plans to teach them how to load soon. I sweep / vacuum maybe once a week with spot cleaning as needed. He takes out the trash. I mean the house isn’t perfect but it’s comfortable and we enjoy the extra time.
Also if he does drop the work then maybe look at what money is being spent on the kid. You said “He’s forever running here and there?” Is there a way to reduce that? Is the child doing MULTIPLE after school actives? Can he ride the bus or carpool with friends? Does the kid get the most expensive name brand clothing, every new electronic, so on and so on?
My SO talks about how he, BM, and the kids use to do a big trip every year. Places like New York, Disneyland, Cruises. It’s just not in the budget now and we’re ok with that. Sure we want to do it but we live in our means. If something happens and there’s less money we’ll look at what else can be given up. Do we need the more expensive internet? Can we cut out eating out so much? Pack our lunches more often? If that’s not acceptable to you then it’s not an option but there are always options.
Over all yes your guy expects you to fit into his image of family. I don’t feel it’s wrong of him to want that BUT that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it. My SO didn’t think he’d date anyone because of his expectations of what he wants for his kids. We knew 100% if I didn’t like the kids or they didn’t like me I wasn’t going to be around. That’s ok because we were on the same page and we’re both ok with it. Let him know you’re not ok with what he is asking. It’s up to both of you. Decide what you MUST have, what can you compromise, and what can you give up on. If it’s not acceptable then for the sake of all people involved then you don’t need to be together as a couple like this.
That is great advice and
That is great advice and insight! I needed this a year ago.
I totally know where you are
I totally know where you are coming from. My fiancé was all about everything being "ours." The difference between my situation and yours is that I am very upfront about where the lines are. You two clearly have a different idea of what roles you expected each to play. You need to have an upfront and honest conversation with him. If he gets mad, let him be mad and tell him when he's ready to have an adult conversation with you, he can come find you. You are correct, you are not the child's mom. You have no legal right to that child. Does he involve you in childcare decisions? Do you get a say in the child's upbringing? You need to have a heart to heart with both him and yourself. If you want to thr child's second mom, then pay up. If you want to be roommates with the kid, then you need to tell his father that. Your guilt and frustration won't go away until you bite the bullet and have the conversation. Another food for thought, a rule I lived by before I got engaged was that "I'm not going to be their mother before I am your wife, period." I don't know what your feelings are about marriage or your definition of commitment but don't fall into a one sided relationship. Being a step parent is hard enough. You need to take care of you sanity too.
Hope that helps!
Thanks, Tessa12,
Thanks, Tessa12, Dontfeedthetrolls, and SecondMom2three. These responses are helpful. The idea of three accounts is something I'm open to and have proposed. Indeed, he does have some income aside from his working part time. He currently contributes most of it as his 1/3 (we live in the Bay Area, things are expensive!), but maybe he could keep and set aside some portion to dedicate to his kid's expenses.
And the point about "what is spent on the kid" is well taken, too. The answer is: not very much. These two fellas are used to getting by happily on very little. And in many ways, I've saved money living with my guy. He packs my lunch every day, when I used to spend $8-10 a day on lunch. He also makes a hot breakfast every morning, AND makes dinner every night. The latter has ended up saving me a bunch of money, too, on eating-out expenses.
He wants me to participate in the upbringing, he wants me to be as involved as possible. He always involves me in discussions about scheduling, he goes well out of his way to keep me in the loop.
I guess what it all boils down to is my own ambivalence about how involved I want to be. I like his son, but I don't love him. He's loud and rambunctious and as rude (but probably no more so) as any 9-year-old boy. I don't particularly want the responsibility of his "upbringing" or disciplining him or deciding what his chores will be or anything like that. By the same token, I don't want to take on the financial responsibility, either.
So yeah, I guess what I really need to do is "decide what you MUST have, what can you compromise, and what can you give up on." I need to come to a landing on what I need my various boundaries need to be.
Thanks to all who provided positive comments.
Good luck and stick around
Good luck and stick around here : )!
I think some of the people
I think some of the people who responded that you interpreted was not positive were responding to your own ambivalence. You had mentioned that you weren't comfortable being at work while he was off galivanting with his son. You weren't sure about raising his son and paying all the bills. I do wish you the best of luck and figure this out.
Good luck and I wish you the
Good luck and I wish you the best! I think it's good that you are clear with yourself on your boundaries and what you want/don't want. I have a step dad and his "step parenting approach" is similar to yours and I turned out fine. I do consider my fiancées children as my children so our step parenting is different, which is totally fine. I think people get wrap up in how a family "should" be instead of accepting it for what it is. I think you having a clear sense in your mind of what you want is a great start. Don't feel guilty about how you feel or let others make you feel guilty. You seeking advice shows compassion, I don't see anything selfish in what you are saying.
SS is nine. How long does BF
SS is nine. How long does BF intend to work part time to be home for him? At what age will SS be when BF looks for/ works a full time job?
Yes, schools have days off and early release. That is why there are camps, both day and overnight, and before and after school care. Single parents work and use camps and day care all the time.
By limiting his work during these years your BF will later find the same problem stay at home moms have had. He will have no retirement savings. So if you stay with him, prepare to support him through his elderly years too.
If you live in California you may want to check with a lawyer about your arrangement as California has in the past granted palimony.
You may want to consider some type of formal partnership agreement to protect yourself.
frustrated - I am working
frustrated - I am working towards becoming the sole breadwinner. There are 4 kids in our household - SD12, SS10, BS4, and BS2. As DH and I were working this plan out, one of the things I had to overcome was the resentment of paying for SD12 and SS10 without input* into their expenses and extra-curriculars. I had to sit down with myself and decide if the benefits of DH becoming a SAHD (clean house, my gardens, my BSs getting homeschooled, being able to bring my family with me when I travel, my DIY improvement projects, plus more) was worth the price of slightly less income and paying for SD and SS. It took a lot of soul-searching, but I came to the conclusion that to me, I wanted the benefits of DH as a SAHD more than I disliked the consequences. So I'm pushing towards that goal. No one else can decide what is important to you. Families work in many different ways.
But I do caution you that you and your SO MUST be on the same page as to what happens if you go down this road and decide you don't like it. I know/have known many families with SAHMs and all of the successful ones (aka still married though not all are still SAHMs) say that the most important aspect of a single-income family is that both partners are in agreement.
One final note: Okay, people.
I wonder if I'd have gotten a different response if the question involved a woman staying at home and a man providing financially.
100% truthfully, no the answers would not have been different. Posters on this site are very strongly opposed to any person with a child lacking the income to support that child. In other words, SAHM and SAHD are actively discouraged by most posters. A huge part of the reason is that when you add step-dynamics to the already difficult single-income situation, it's a recipe for resentment, frustration, and anger. You said in your original post that you are not entirely comfortable with using your hard-earned money to support a child that isn't yours. As time goes on, it's unlikely that you will feel better about it, especially if your SO is already slacking on the household. You're still in the honeymoon phase so you are understanding of your SO's difficulties with childcare and see how hard he is working now. But what happens at the end of next year, when the household things are still slipping only now it's because of SS9's activity schedule, or homework issues, or school conferences, etc? These are all things to think about very hard before agreeing to support your SO, male or female.
*legal input - DH and I discuss everything in our household, but sometimes there are things that the CO or the GAL has ordered DH to pay for that I strongly disagree with. And sometimes DH will overrule my objections to something because it's his kids and he's the one who has to deal with BM. I have no recourse other than to argue with him. One of the things DH and I discussed about the potential for him to be a SAHD was the issue of him making decisions I don't agree with. We've made a compromise that we both agree on but it's a very important discussion topic.
I think what's concerning is
I think what's concerning is that you know him less than s year, you aren't legally married yet he already wants you to support him (and his kid) and in fact combine finances (code for having access to your money). I don't think I'd be happy with a man who would propose such a thing to me. Doesn't sound attractive to me. And You might want to protect yourself. If your relationship doesn't work out, you'd possibly be paying alimony even if you weren't legally married.
It sounds like you know what
It sounds like you know what you want - but that what you want isn't the same thing as what he wants.
His son is 9 - hardly requiring constant supervision/direction/care. What is it exactly that is taking up so much time with his son, that he can't manage to upkeep a home?
Both SO and I work full time outside the home. We have 4 kids in the home, a dog, and a cat. We manage to keep the house clean.
If between you, you agree that you are the one earning income and he is the one taking care of the home, that's great - but if he's not taking care of the home, he's not holding up his end of the bargain.
Might sounds harsh - but it seems like he's putting his child's fun ahead of his agreement with you.
I would also agree with someone who posted asking whether he actually has that phD... and why he isn't at least working part time... if he has some income, great... but don't let yourself get used into paying for him and his child's stuff. I understand that there's a family dynamic that you all seem to want, but it seems like he wants to play Mr. Mom without actually doing much other than hang out with the kid. Not cool.
I would wait to progress to a deeper level of commitment until you've seen that he holds value to the existing expectations and follows through... because if he continues to provide you with excuses and use the child as an excuse as to why he's not following through, that's likely the path you will be on for years to come.
What are you thinking? This
What are you thinking? This guy wants a sugar mama.
he doesn't seem to have enough time to get everything done AND work outside the home.
Oh.my.God.
Can I just point out that my
Can I just point out that my husband works full-time, has custody of his 5 year old daughter and does the majority of parenting in our household, AND contributes to the household duties at least 50% if not more because I'm 30 weeks pregnant? Lol it's not hard to keep a house nice and clean. I don't know how big your house is, but it takes us about an hour a day (whether that's both of us putting half an hour in or one of us putting an hour) plus a deep clean on the weekend and it's always up-to-par...
If my husband's 5 year old daughter can stay busy for the time it takes us to clean the house, your boyfriend's 9 year old son can likely do the same. We sit her down for a movie, or take advantage of the time we have while she's playing in the bath, or whatever we need to do. On weekends, she knows she's either helping out or playing in her room and keeping herself busy. It's often a good 2 hour deep clean on the weekends, too.
I don't FULLY believe the excuse that he doesn't have enough time to get everything done AND work outside the home part-time when there's people who get everything done and work outside the home full-time.
The only piece of advice that
The only piece of advice that springs to mind here from my experience is this:
SO makes reduced payments in terms of household expenses (relative to earnings): perfectly reasonable.
SO using his own money from CS and rental income solely to support SS, thus stopping contribution to your household: OK. The problem arises if, in my case, SO convinces himself that he is supporting SS when in fact, by you assuming 100% of the household costs, you are supporting SS. You are subsidising him. That's only OK if he recognises that.
My SO refuses to accept that I have contributed to his CS payments. It hurts his male pride too much to admit that. Gets the guilt factory going. But if my extra contribution to our household means that he is able to meet his CS payments, I am essentially paying his CS.
If you want to avoid the resentment, that has to be explicitly recognised. If not, you might end up feeling as though you're being taken for granted.
Another option, that I hope hasn't already been mentioned (sorry if I missed it) would actually be to ask BM if she would like to pay more CS so that SS can benefit from having a SAHD. If not, why not? If BM and your SO (as SS's parents) would like that to happen, they have to make that happen, not you.
Keep this in mind: If your
Keep this in mind: If your boyfriend didn't have you to pay all the bills and other expenses, would he be able to quit work entirely just to keep house and play with his kid?
Lately, he has been talking
Lately, he has been talking about giving up his part time work so that he can focus on the household. I should say that he does work very hard around the house, and I greatly value all that he does
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think I would sit him down and just tell him how this….”Dear SO, I love you and appreciate you so much, but you really have to keep your part time job to help with expenses. I just can’t do it all on my own. Plus you still have SS you HAVE to support.”
If he does not understand, then I would re-think living with him.
In my opinion this is
In my opinion this is absolutely ridic!!! There are 3 of you, how big can your house be?? There are 3 in my family. I work full-time and still manage to take care of a 5 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 3000 sqft house AND 3 horses and a barn. BS7 is also very active and does karate 2 days a week, jujitsu 1 day a week and in the spring/summer baseball 3 days a week and in the fall, soccer 3 days a week... and guess who takes him to most practices, training and games? Me! The one with the FULL time job. Granted I have DH's help in that he mows and will vacuum quite often, and takes BS7 places when I have meetings or appointments but your SO has you to help as well.
I'm sorry but a man with a PhD, who does handy work and now just wants to do nothing and "take care of the house" sounds like a lazy bum to me. He has a child, it is HIS responsibility to provide for HIS child.. not yours.
A woman would be called a
A woman would be called a gold digger.
Your SO is full of it. He is
Your SO is full of it. He is using you. Thousands of single parents manage to work full time and take care of thei school aged kids. The only time it is really rough is when they are very young. I have 3 kids and at one point was going to school full time and working full time (often OT also). My 2 bios with ex SO I get absolutely no CS for, he abandoned the kids the moment I kicked him out of my house. So that also means I get no help with childcare. I did the completely single mom, no help, working FT and FT school thing for years. Your SO is a lazy user. You should be offended that he is wanting to use you to support him and an unrelated child of his. How offensive that he is ants you to take care of a child he had with another woman. He is showing you now respect. If he was a real man he would want to take care of his family- which should include you. Demand better for yourself. Talk to a female family member or friend and ask for an honest opinion. From the outside looking in, he is a poor choice for a partner.
You have been with this guy
You have been with this guy less than a year, living with him a few months and he wants you to support him. His ex supported him and now he wants someone else to support him. AND his kid.
I just can't...
You know he is playing you.
You know he is playing you. Or you would not be posting here.
You asked, the answer is. He is using you !!!!
Tell him to get a real JOB. Or get out
I recommend therapy. It could
I recommend therapy. It could really help with your self-esteem, learning how to respect yourself and ability to choose good partners. Longer you postpone to take care of the issue, more likely you to pick inappropriate partners. This guy showed you his real colors early on.
I'd also consult an attorney, this guy lives in your house and you might have hard time kicking him out from a legal stand point. Also if you are in a state with recognized common law marriage, you might eventually end up financially supporting him for years or till he reaches retirement age. That what happens when you have partners who don't work or only work part time .
If you need your house cleaned, hire a maid. If you make a lot of money, you can afford a maid. Cheaper than keeping "house boyfriend". Then find a man who'll be your equal partner and won't treat you like a sugar mama.
THIS Hire a maid. It's a lot
THIS
Hire a maid. It's a lot cheaper than taking on the financial needs of someone else's child - I promise you this!
My husband and I share money, so technically, I am providing for his daughter (which I don't mind) but let me tell you, kids are expensive! They outgrow their clothes AT LEAST once a year (the entire freaking wardrobe, no lie!) so it's quite expensive to cloth them. They have birthdays and christmas, of course, lol. They have school expenses (back to school shopping, paid lunches at school, field trips, etc.) all of this adds up REAL fast. You're way better off hiring a maid and letting him continue working part-time to afford her needs.
And you say he's content living off very little but trust me, he'll be happy to spend more on his son once he has access to more (your income). that's just how it works. it's his child, and he'll want the best for him, even if he's used to less.
He needs to pay 66% of
He needs to pay 66% of expenses. Or, he can move out and you two can date, which IMO is what you should still be doing since he can't support himself and you aren't married.
I'm disgusted by him. Repulsed, actually.
To be honest, I brought up
To be honest, I brought up the idea of my husband staying home after our baby arrives (i'm 30 weeks now)... and as I mentioned, we have his daughter full-time, so I would essentially be supporting the 4 of us myself while he stayed home. I think it's a great idea because I already earn 3-4 times what my husband does, so why should he go to work if I can afford everything on my salary and our baby can have a full-time parent home?
When I brought it up, my husband was so, so uncomfortable with it. He knows it's what's best, but he's really not happy knowing he's not going to be providing for his kids and wife. I had to work really hard to convince him that taking care of our baby is a contribution of it's own... My point is, most men wouldn't be happy with the arrangement your boyfriend seems to be thrilled about. Which is suspicious.
People with children to
People with children to support don't get to check out IMHO. Particularly a Ph.D who is capable of a far higher income than as a handyman.
Since this guy is a voluntary loser... what attracts you to him?
He is a PhD. and is pawning his responsibilities to support his child off on you and calling it a we thing. You were not there when he chose so spawn with his X so this is a he thing not a we thing IMHO.
Be very, very careful tying your wagon to this voluntary loser. Equity life partnerships can take many forms but rarely is there anything equitable when one half of the relationship takes advantage of the other.
IMHO of course.
Good luck, take care of you and quit letting this POS use you.
lol. Depends on what the
lol.
Depends on what the PhD. is in. The Academic job market is abysmal...and most PhD. holders I know / professors I know make far less than my plumber or electrician.
There is a huge difference in
There is a huge difference in qualification and income between a licensed tradesperson (plumber, electrician, etc...) and a handy man. I employ many tradesmen and zero handy men. Tradesmen make good money because they are skilled.
If Mr. voluntary loser Ph.D was actually intelligent then he would become a tradesman and step up as the OPs equity life partner rather than her Incubus.
This guy pisses me off.
Sorry for the rant.
NO! Don't do it, you will
NO! Don't do it, you will eventually end up resenting him and his child because of it. It may not bother you at first, but over time you will get annoyed when you can't buy XYZ or go on that girls only vacation because your SS needs new shoes/braces/school supplies, etc. YOU will be the one giving up your hard earned money for a child that you did not help create.
I thought I was okay with my situation (my DH works FT, just less money), but over time I started to get resentful; I know the feeling. I won't go into the details, but our situation is a tad different, he has full custody and the BM pays him CS, well when she flipping feels like it (it's a whopping $150/mo with no other fees (medical, dental, school, nothing!).
I think it's great that your
I think it's great that your SO likes to live frugally, he's even found a way to live in ultimate frugality...by having you foot most of the bills. The responsibility of having a child is paying for them, even if it means you get less time with them.
There is nothing wrong with him wanting to be a SAHD, but there is a problem in the fact that you are not the biological mother of that child...that's where his thought process is flawed. So you need to have an honest talk with him and ask him if he is looking for you to be the working parent to his child, while he is a SAHD.
Also, will you have 100%
Also, will you have 100% responsibility for the child and 0% authority; a theory so very popular when it comes to SMs? So if said child wants a pony, polo lessons, sky diving instruction, etc., will you have a say? Most likely, at that point, you will be told it is not your decision yet you must finance it.