The dreaded extended summer stay arrives
Skids have their annual summer 9 days straight at Dad's coming up. 
I am working 5 of the days, in the past I would use paid time off, hahaha, not anymore.
I worry it will be tough continuing my version of disengagement for so many days in a row, specifically with SD who has now taken to calling me "mommy." I've just been ignoring it and letting her call me that. I can't stand BM and honestly I find it funny. (Is that evil of me? Maybe.) }:)
I don't mind doing a few things with the family on the weekends, and I generally don't mind an evening cuddle with SD (we listen to meditations on youtube) but I do not want to fall into the trap of meals, supervising bathing or anything else. Disengagement is weird for all in the home when you have done everything for so long.
Tonight chicken is thawing and DH can figure out how to season it (should be interesting), as I have a therapy appointment (much needed).
I do the grocery shopping so I am thinking easy (frozen?) meals for the week they're with us and leaving it to him each night.
I am still struggling with the term "disengagement." It feels really weird like I am bailing on my family, but also feels like the only way to not drown in resentment on a daily basis.
Is this some sort of normal growing pain I am experiencing?
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Comments
I think many feel the way you
I think many feel the way you do with disengaging. On one hand you enjoy doing for others, yet on the other hand when it is under appreciated or worse rejected resentment kicks in. I think disengagement is the best thing if you have tried too many times to keep a happy balance and your efforts are in vain.
it may help you to re-frame
it may help you to re-frame your disengagement. you are still engaged with your dh. you are still engaged with sd. what you are disengaged from is Parenting, and that's a-ok because you are not her Parent, she already has two of those. you are not bailing on your family, you can still cuddle with her and do stuff as a family as a loving adult in her life, just not a Parent.
This is a healthy way of
This is a healthy way of seeing it. Janie, If you feel like cooking for the kids, do it, if you don't, don't. I actually find I cook a TON while my stepkids are with us as I just like to stay busy and in the kitchen lol. I
True. I always felt I took on
True. I always felt I took on such a motherly role, but that is probably because they were really young when I met them. SD kind of pidgeon-holed me as the "other mom," whereas SS is pretty laid back and I act more as a goofy aunt-type with him. Weird dynamic.
Thank you for the feedback I
Thank you for the feedback I guess you can't go wrong with the "if you feel up to it, do it" mentality.
This is where I fall. I want
This is where I fall. I want to avoid resentment...but I also don't want to feel left out. It's a fine line to walk, in one sense...and I can see how it might cause confusion for the rest of the family. Wait? So you hang out and cook when you feel like it and otherwise you don't?
However, it's really no different than how I treat the rest of my bilogically-related but not immediate family...as well as friends and other guests. I feel like cooking a big spread? Great! I do it and invite everyone. I feel like an outing with my niece and nephews? Awesome! I don't feel up to it right now? OK...fine. No one is expecting me to be hostess or to treat them, and no one is hurt if I choose not to...it's an extra.
I think getting there with skids is a good thing...especially as they get older.
Very true...!
Very true...!
We have SDs for a month in
We have SDs for a month in the summer, plus a couple other random weeks.
I'm much better and not frantic any longer since I'm quite (but not 100% and that's ok in most cases with our family group) disengaged.
* It's OK if you don't take time off from work - you get to save up time off to be alone with DH. The visits are for him, not you.
* I don't cook much when we have SDs, unless I *want* to. If I want to cook I'll let DH know, otherwise he knows now it's up to him. Esp. since I'm away from the house longer each day.
* I don't clean up for other people, except for the same old general stuff. This is a year-round rule, but in summer since SDs and DH can create huge messes and lots of laundry - I don't do it. I'm away from the house 12 hours a day - if they can't make time to pick up craft items or throw a load of laundry in, not my issue.
* I make time with friends and to relax by myself. I let DH know ahead of time, but I don't ask him if he needs help. I don't plan activities for anyone but me.
I've had a good summer!
AJ - disengagement only means
AJ - disengagement only means that you only do what you feel like doing... your are not dropping them... you are simply giving the control to the parent, cause it ain't you.....
You only do for them when they appreciate it, treat your with respect and when you feel like doing it