BBQphil's picture

Return or leave her

Hi there,

I have ended a 4 years relationship with a mother of 3 teenagers last April. I left a well paid job and moved 300 miles to her twon so the kids would be able to see their father and mom 50/50.

Long story short, I had to take a lower salary job as digital marketing director in that town and was frustrated to the point that I have created my own agency to help her more with the house and stuff. Meanwhile I took care of the kids, maintaining and repairing the house. Kids we cool even if I only got significantly closer to the youngest boy who is into sports. Beginning of the year, We were both overworked and she blew up on me about me not loving her after all I sacrified to be with her and the kids... So I left because we couldn't talk things out.

Months passed, we saw each other a few times because she missed me. I didn't want to get back together because everything I did was not enough and I felt the kids were not comfortable around me. I gave them space while I was in the house so they could talk to their mom anytime.

Last week we saw each other and we talked about coming back together. I'm not sure if it's a good idea since the relationship with her is really good, but I don't know what to think about the kids. My ex wants me to fix my relationship with the 2 older kids that don't give a damn about me and are constantly trying to make things worse for my ex.

Am I stupid to want to go back in there? Or anyone else broke up and had to think about pros and cons of getting back having the kids comfort in mind?

Rags's picture

If you truly want back in

If you truly want back in there... then yes... you are stupid. Hey, you asked.

You know what you have to do so do it. Write her and her kids off and get on with your life.

Good luck.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

BethAnne's picture

You will be dating your ex,

You will be dating your ex, not her kids. It is your ex's job to make sure her kids are respectful around you so that you are comfortable living with them. As long as you are respectful back then everything should work out. If the kids are older you could try dating long distance for a few years and then plan on moving in when the kids leave the home.

What has changed since the break up? It doesn't sound like anything has from your description. Perhaps a therapist could help you two hash out a new path forwards if you want to get back together?

If that doesn't sound good, likely or like too much hard work then it might be time to walk away.

steppingback's picture

You shouldn't accept sole

You shouldn't accept sole responsibility for repairing the relationship with the older teens. What exactly has she said to them about their behavior. It will not get better unless she holds them responsible for their behavior. Otherwise keep running.

SMforever's picture

What's in this for you? I

What's in this for you? I just cannot see any positives. Lots of good women out there. The only way to get this person off your back is to go No Contact. Just stop taking her calls.

BBQphil's picture

Thanks for your comments. I

Thanks for your comments. I have considered the therapist and I have considered living separated but I feel like it is too complicated. I took care of the kids in the proper manner, it's just that I am not going to force a relationship with them. The older kid is about to get in College and will leave the house in 2 years, her daughter is really having a hard time getting along with my ex and she is the one telling my ex that we were not getting along... I feel I don't have to bend myself in 4 just to accommodate a teen self-comforting feelings. I am willing to be there for her and show her how to get the best out of her life. I read on the forum that I probably had a better relationship with her than most of the rocky stuff I read yesterday lolll That really helped me to put things in perspective and I think that my ex would have to take charge of that aspect. I don't believe she can sadly...

We did talked things through and I believe I could get back with her. But I am telling myself that I am 38, I might have time to start my own familly with a woman between 35-40 who waited a bit to get kids... That would save me a lot of drama. I'll try to cut her off and continue to move on as I was doing.

hereiam's picture

pros and cons of getting back

pros and cons of getting back having the kids comfort in mind?

Why would you want to get back together for the kids' comfort? That is ridiculous. The two of you could not even talk about your relationship and she said you don't love her, but you feel the relationship with her is good? Okay.

You ended it for a reason. Yes, you would be stupid to pick it up right where it left off.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"My ex wants me to fix my

"My ex wants me to fix my relationship with the 2 older kids that don't give a damn about me and are constantly trying to make things worse for my ex." How much is your ex telling them they are to respect you as her partner and they need to fix their relationship with you?

Why would you sign up for this again?

There are reasons why you moved out. Have you been sad since April? Pining for the good (other than the sex?). I have a crappy OSD. I am still here because the good outweighs the bad. You had already LEFT. Why would you sign up for this again?

wolverine's picture

I'd recommend moving on (38

I'd recommend moving on (38 isn't that old to find someone who hasn't had kids yet).