Frmom_SL's picture

Disconnected from his "other family"

I've posted before about my disengagement from my skids due to not having any say over how they are treated, how they act when they are with us and the defensiveness that SO gets whenever I bring it up.

Sometimes I just let it roll off my back and not bother me, but there are other times, like now that it really, really bugs me. I guess PMSing probably doesn't help! LOL

Knowing that my SO has this other family that I have no parts of makes me feel very disconnected at times. I even (partly) joke to him about his wife (ex-wife) because they way they make all decisions together, talk and such, sometimes I just feel like the mistress!
I'm not involved in any discussions with the kids, whenever he communicates with her, it's always kept hush hush and a lot of times he won't tell me, he makes decisions about his and our future over what the ex and the kids want, heck even when he talks to his parents on the phone, it's always all about the kids and him. I get along great with his parents, but no one even has the desire to ask about me! It's like he has this ready made family and other part of his life that I'm not privy to at all.

Does this type of thing bother others here as well or is it just me and my hormones running wild at the moment making me more emotional than usual?

Evil3's picture

My DH used to use the word,

My DH used to use the word, "I" when talking to SD about what we were doing and what we did with the house. It drove me nuckin' futs, because it was like he was acknowledging to her that I don't exist. I finally started, yelling, "we" whenever he talked to his family, especially SD. It got so bad that even when there would be jokes about DH going to the old folks home or needing care in his old age, people would replace my name with SD's. Again, I started correcting and didn't care what people thought. I then had it out with DH and told him that he better start using "we" and standing up for me and saying my name when talking about his old age or we were going to have a problem. I added that I know he didn't want his lady love (SD) to think she isn't number one, but I was bloody tired of it. I'm the wife. Case closed. This was part of my "abolish Mini-Wife Syndrome" operation. I had many such conversations about every little thing that indicated the existence of Mini-Wife Syndrome. God forbid that SM be talked about or the little poopsies' feelings will hurty wurty. Is anything else going on that indicates that you're being excluded or put last? It could be that this bugs you, because it's one of many of such indications. If I were you, I'd make myself be known and tell your DH to knock it off. I got to the point that I showed my DH the SM Bill of Rights where one of them says that the SM will not be excluded from her own family or household or something like that. I didn't care about DH and BM making decisions about the SKs, but I was an equal partner in my household that I contributed financially to and did most of the cleaning for, so I should be treated as a human being and simply be informed of things. My DH has been really good about sharing since I had that out with him. It's not that I wanted to contribute to the decision, but to simply be respected and told out of consideration.

askYOURdad's picture

I would love to hear more

I would love to hear more about your operation abolish mini wife... if you ever have time please feel free to message me. Our situation isn't completely out of line (like a poster a few years ago who had to sit in the back seat of the car when her SD was around) but more favorite child and I know it syndrome... SD will text DH something like "I love you daddy" followed by "also can I have $20 and a ride for me and 27 of my friends?" and of course DH's reply is "sure thing beautiful, anything for my first born" ugh puke...

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"Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do"

DaizyDuke's picture

Pass the barf bag. I couldn't

Pass the barf bag. I couldn't deal with that mini wife crap. Thankfully my DH didn't have that type of relationship with SD19

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ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

Frmom_SL's picture

I started interjecting that

I started interjecting that WE at times too! LOL But mainly only when it was about events we were planning, decorating the house, cleaning, remodeling, etc.

Whenever it comes to the 'poopsies' and BM, it's all about him and his 'wife' and what they want to do. Depending on his mood, I either get a roll of the eyes if I suggest anything different or some stupid response.

He states that he doesn't share with me when he talks to her because he knows I don't like it. Well damn right I don't want my SO talking to this other woman that still shares everything with him like he is still her husband about her love life, job, finances, house and whatever else she wants to chat about! They are no longer partners and it should be kept to discussions about the kids only. He doesn't agree and as we butt heads over it, he just doesn't tell me anymore, so there he goes instead of compromising on how things will be done to include me, he just does what he wants and shuts me out.

askYOURdad's picture

I feel this way sometimes too

I feel this way sometimes too (usually followed by my period the next day lol)

I think for me I just feel like DH gets two families but I only am allowed to have one. I'm not sure how to explain it. Like when people ask how many kids I have I should include step kids or when I plan outings or family things I should include skids. But DH is allowed to have one on one time with skids because he doesn't "see them everyday" but when I have one on one time with our kids or try to plan anything fun with our kids DH sees it as me excluding skids.

I really hate being a step mom. I used to tolerate it, count the days till they would be 18 etc. but now, I just hate it and feel like I am going to be one of these step moms in 10 years with 25 year old skids living in my basement, eating my food and lounging on my sofa claiming to be "applying to jobs" and I will be made out to be the bad guy if I gently suggest they grow up... disclaimer, I would leave before that would happen but these days it seems like that is what is in store for my future.

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"Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do"

Evil3's picture

I just sent you a pm about

I just sent you a pm about how I quashed Mini-Wife Syndrome. I also got my SS26 out of the house and launched. That's a whole other story too. But, yes, Disney parented kids do not launch when their peers do. It pains me when new posters come on here and count down until the SK turns 18. Disney parented, coddled SKs do not launch and their Disney Daddies do nothing but make sure that they get to live with their precious poopsies forever.

DaizyDuke's picture

I understand your

I understand your frustration, but you can't have it both ways. If you are disengaged and your SO is completely aware of this, why would he discuss skids and skid plans etc with you? If you truly want to disengage, you have to let this kind of stuff go.

I used to get all perturbed about SD slob hole of a room, in my otherwise neat and tidy house, I used to get furious that DH would crab at me about buying BS7 a happy meal and then turn around and hand SD19 $150.00 to get her hair done. But I learned to chuck it in the duck-it bucket. Instead of getting annoyed about SD room? I'd just shut the door and ignore it. Instead of getting pissed off about DH handing SD money for nonsense constantly? I'd go buy a new purse, if he's going to blow money on SD, I might as well spend OUR money on ME!

As far future plans revolving around skids and BM, yes that would piss me off and there isn't much you can do about that.

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ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

Frmom_SL's picture

I guess the thing with

I guess the thing with disengaging is that I don't think any of us (generalizing here) wanted to disengage, it was just that we were left with no other option.

I would much prefer to be involved, make decisions as a couple and feel a part of the family in order to have a proper respectful relationship with these cretins that invade my house half of the month, but as SO doesn't want to do anything that he doesn't want to do, I had to disengage. Doesn't mean though that it doesn't still bug me from time to time.

DaizyDuke's picture

Oh I get it! Nobody

Oh I get it! Nobody disengages for the fun of it... it's a last resort to preserve some iota of sanity.

—

ღIt's all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I try to act nonchalant but underneath, I am chalant AF ツ

momjeans's picture

Yeah, ^^ this^^

Yeah, ^^ this^^

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No matter how good a person looks, someone somewhere is tired of their toxic bullsh*t.

momjeans's picture

It used to bother me, but not

It used to bother me, but not anymore... for the most part.

I think a huge factor in my situation is that DH and BM parallel parent. Hands-on coparenting just didn't work with BM.

I often have to remind myself that being out of the information loop is part of disengagement.

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No matter how good a person looks, someone somewhere is tired of their toxic bullsh*t.