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Asking as a BM- how would you bring this up?

zerostepdrama's picture

I don't have to worry about this until Christmas time... but I was thinking about it and how to handle this year.

BS goes with his dad every Christmas afternoon and stays for a few days. Christmas day they are at Ex's uncle's house. BS gets a lot of money in cash gifts from family. Sometimes up to $400.

I drop BS off at uncle's house every year. The first year that uncle and family started giving cash as opposed to a wrapped gift uncle took me aside and told me that BS would be getting cash this year and he wanted me to know because he didn't want to worry about Ex keeping it. Yes he is that way.

First year no problem. BS came back home with most of the cash and had spent some while at his dad's.

Second year... BS said him and Ex pooled their money together and bought a gaming system for Ex's house and BS brought a little cash home to spend later. Okay no big deal. Not sure how much a gaming system is... but whatever.

Last year BS is learning about saving $. Ex is talking to him about it and tells BS he should put his $ in a savings account. Ex says he will do it for him.

Ex can not open a savings account for BS in BS's name because he does not know his SS#.

I can say 99.9% positive that Ex does not have a checking or savings account and definitely did not put BS's $ in a savings account and if he did, it's now not there 6+ months down the road. I know my Ex. I know initially his intentions may have been good but over time there's no way that he has still held on to BS's $.

I didn't feel comfortable with the situation when BS told me. While I do not wnat him to realize what kind of person his dad is, I figured this is something that he is going to have to work out with his dad when the time comes. It's between them.

This year though I do want to say something to Ex. He knows I know how he is. Even though he won't admit it or want to admit... he knows. I just want to say something to him to make it clear that he better not try to put BS's money in "Savings" again because I know that is not the truth.

***And yes I know it's possible that he did put BS's money in savings but it's very very unlikely. And he would have made a point to tell me and make a big deal about it***

I just want to know a good way to approach him and what to say. (Obviously it won't be until closer to Christmas). Thanks!

Comments

zerostepdrama's picture

I don't feel like it's my place to instruct Ex's family to give checks as opposed to cash.

Yes he does have a savings account already that he has had since he was a baby. However I do not think that there is a branch it Ex's town.

BethAnne's picture

If you won't talk to your ex and you won't talk to ex's family that only leaves talking to your son and telling him to make sure he brings the money home, which could be awkward for him to discuss with his dad.

BethAnne's picture

My mistake, I missread your op. I thought you said you didn't want to talk to him. Sorry.

zerostepdrama's picture

He does bring home the checks that he gets. He usually gets a few checks and those have always came home and been deposited.

Ex has already burned so many bridges with family and is the black sheep I don't want to make things harder for him (even though it's by his own fault) because then it affects BS. Ex doesn't have a lot of family... and it's actually his uncle by marriage (his dad's sister married uncle but she has since passed away) and the uncle's (new) wife and her family. (And one blood cousin and his family.) They have always treated Ex and BS like family and that is pretty much all the family that BS has from his dad's side that is close by. (Besides Ex mom and sister and there are issues there).

DaizyDuke's picture

I think it's perfectly fine for you to talk to exes family about this, since they are the ones that pulled you aside first. Obviously they know how ex is. I can also totally see why you don't want to get involved, but I think your BS is still young enough that he kind of needs you to get involved to protect his best interest.

I know you said the gaming system thing was no big deal, but that really pisses me off. So your BS gave the majority if not all of his Christmas money to his dad to purchase a gaming system, when your BS might spend 3 or 4 weeks a year at his dad's house??? Not cool.

zerostepdrama's picture

Asking his family to write checks is different then letting Ex know I know what he did with the $.

zerostepdrama's picture

BS is so gullible when it comes to his dad. Some of the things he tells me I swear I look at BS like :? He is so smart yet when it comes to his dad he believes anything that comes out of his mouth. BS will definitely have to learn.

zerostepdrama's picture

Oh yeah that is why I plan on addressing it with Ex... and also teaching BS to be in charge of his own finances when it comes to his dad.

I worry when BS is older that his dad may take advantage of BS's love for him.

Harry's picture

Open an account, with on line banking your BS can check his account every month on line, to see how much intress he got and how much total money in account is. ( and see if anyone takes money out of account)

Willow2010's picture

Dear EX,
Can you make sure that DS brings home all of his Christmas gift money? We have opened a special college account that he really wants to start adding to. I know one year he got close to $400.00 so that would be a great way for him to learn to save and get a head start on college savings.
Thanks!

Mention the amount so he knows that you know DS get a good chunk of money.

Then open this account. No one says you have to put ALL of the money in there. BS should get to enjoy his gifts. Not your ex and his family. Weird that a man would do that.

You are kind of between a rock and a hard spot here. I get not wanting to drag his whole family into the situation. But you may also want to tell DS that you/he, need all of his gifts to come home and see if that helps. Not sure how old your son is.

DaizyDuke's picture

If your BS already has a bank account, I would just send him along with a deposit slip and have him deposit his Christmas money while at dad's. Giving ex, your son's bank account can cause no harm, because he isn't on the account and therefore would never be able to have access to it.

still learning's picture

Since the uncle was very candid with you I would be the same with him and let him know what was happening. It sounds like ex knows that he's going to get a bonus every year through bs's xmas money. Perhaps suggest that uncle send a gift card directly to bs before the holiday to avoid any confusion, make a donation to a cause in bs's name or just nix the gift giving all together.

Whatever you decide to do/say, Uncle should know who the money is really going to during the holidays.

my xH used to take the kids gifts. One year I sent middle son a mp3 player and xH took it and used it for himself. I'd also send dd $100 subway gift cards only to find out that exH would intercept them and use them for his own lunches.

Livingoutloud's picture

I'd absolutely most certainly would call or email said uncle and tell him that ex ends in possession of
of BS money.. then uncle could perhaps figure out better ways. I wouldn't worry about how your ex feels about it and what bridges he burned. I would only worry about BS. Your ex is broke (no checking account-who the heck diesnt have checking account?) so he enjoys your sons money. It's terrible. If I gave money to my niece or nephew as children and their parents took it and I was not told I would be upset.