Something positive (I think) about re-engaging?
I don't really know how to phrase this- but I think I did a positive thing yesterday. (Sometimes it's hard to know!)
I knew DH was taking his son shopping (this is usually BM's job but as usual she is busy so DH just jumps and says 'of course I'll do it').
I was going to stay home but realised that I need some shopping too so thought it expedient that I accompany DH. I have never visited SS in his new flat. I disengaged from him after he almost killed himself with a cocktail of drugs and despite a good recovery is now unable to change his behaviour, especially his dependency on Disney dad and mum. Previous to this we had got on reasonably well on a shallow social level.
As we got closer to SS's place the old anxieties started to return- I felt sick, had that sinking feeling in my stomach and my heart started racing.
We parked up and I asked if I should wait in the car to which DH replied that it was best as the flat stank (probably of weed and general lack of hygiene)- so as I waited for them to come out I played with my phone to look occupied and greeted SS politely as he got in the car.
At the shops they went to get his groceries and I went shopping for my own stuff nearby- it was a success, we both did what we needed with minimum fuss. In the car I clamped my lips together and allowed DH and SS to converse together. I replied if asked a specific question but did not allow myself to 'chat' as I would normally have done, being the chatty person I am. I thought, 'I can do this!'
Not longer after we set off back SS asked daddeee if he minded taking him somewhere else- to which- 'ok' was the expected reply.
Some more shops where SS could buy some other 'supplies' but which was also close to a store I could shop too.
So again, we shopped separately but successfully. The other bonus was that SS changed his mind about having lunch at MacDonalds which he and daddee had planned to do. Instead we dropped him off so he could go visit his 'friend' who I suspect is his dealer.
We parted again politely and in a civilised way. I think DH was pleased that I made the effort, but in the end I made it my shopping expedition instead of SS's. He was happy daddee had once again 'helped' him out, I was happy I had got what I needed and DH was happy that I'd gone with him.
Not sure if it will ever happen again- but it is one pointer to how I might proceed in future and just ask myself- 'What's in this for me?' That will be my only criteria for any future re-engagement.
I get it totally! I am at
I get it totally! I am at the point with DH, I try to do as you are pointing out also. My DH is disabled and does no longer drive. So for him to go to skids; I either have to take him or they come and visit him. I have told DH "anytime you want to go visit, let me know, I will take you and you can visit as long as you wish, then I will come pick you up". I have friends in the same town and am able to go visit while he visits, all day if necessary; there is plenty for me to do, including shopping.
My DH will never go to visit them. When we lived one block from SD56, he would drive up the block to visit her any time; but I didn't need to go. Now he won't even attempt to visit any of them with me going. I have NEVER had words with my SD or SGD, but they both know I do not want to be around them (disengagement); I've posted here on the past SD drama. I know SD and DH continue to gossip about me and my family, which doesn't even bother me any longer; I also addressed that issue and they can't help themselves, so I quit caring. What can they talk about that they haven't already ripped me over. It's their fix and I don't even give it a thought.
You did very well. I take it one event at a time and try to work it so that is it also to my benefit. When they come here to visit, I am civil and respectful; I do not host them, I leave that up to DH. They do not come often, now that we have moved to a neighboring State; thus when they do come, they stay less than an hour. I am enjoying the peace and I, like you, do as I please, when it arises.
Reading your post helps me. I know I am doing well by staying away from their territory. I plan to continue to do so.
Thank you for the reassurance.
Oh thanks Sammi- it was a bit
Oh thanks Sammi- it was a bit of a revelation that I do not need to dis-engage completely, but that I can choose when I want or don't want, to have anything to do with them.
Like you, I no longer care what they think of me. Thinking now that I was once so keen for them to 'like' me, and to see what I was doing to make their dad happy, seems a whole world away. I have very little to do with them anymore and if I choose to see them it will be because it suits me, and not because I have to constantly be at DH's side to show how committed I am to him.
I think DH may be beginning to see this, and he did seem more at ease with SS than on previous occasions when I have been there. It was always tense.
I think one 'event' at a time is the way to go, and this means letting DH go by himself most of the time.
For you, I suspect it is more common for them to come to you- my skids have not been to our home since I disengaged. I think DH has told them I don't want them here- which is not the case. However, it is not for me to invite them. Maybe he doesn't want them to come either- I don't know. I'm sure some day one or all of them will come back, but I don't think it will be for a while and I won't be around too much either.
It will be more difficult with OSD and her brood, who are away on holiday just now. I really can't see a time when I would want to go back to her home, but the grandskids will always be welcome here, as long as DH steps up to watching them- something he hasn't been good at in the past.
Keep doing what you are doing- why would you want to undo all the great work you have done so far. You set such a great example to everyone here.
Sammi is my role model, I so
Sammi is my role model, I so aspire to get to the place she is where being around them is just nothing. She has proven she is a very strong lady of incredible character and grace.
Mine even make faces at me walking by to the bathroom, so my DH will not see (I am telling you I am not saying a word to them either); a face like they smell _____. It is so noticable and has happened a number of times to the point I am predicting it and keep my head down. They do it when dadddeee is not looking and if I said anything him, I would be crazy as hell, so I never have. I guess that is one reason I cannot be in the same room with them, they find ways to gas light me behind daddee's back and, honestly, I am not certain even if he saw it he would admit the truth or say anything---he is the ultimate weakling.
Still, Sammi's character shines through, doing what is best by the man she loves, regardless of her treatment (still protecting herself).
I just had a thought. I think
I just had a thought.
I think I will use my camera phone to record such incidents with the skids.
Mostly for prevention not to report or cause trouble.
Knowing they are being recorded would stop a lot.
Like stores do for shoplifters. You are being observed!!! }:)
I second that! I have had
I second that! I have had that thought but haven't yet had the opportunity yet! flipping the bird sounds good , too. I'm glad I only really have trouble with OSD, and last gathering DH didn't give in to her, for once. A moment of Bliss! But I like to be prepared with her AND BM.
I once told SD, "I'm going to
I once told SD, "I'm going to start carrying a mirror around so you can see how stupid you look." Her expression straightened right up, but of course it didn't last. She's a miserable person, sulking is a long habit of hers.
You did not re-engaged my
You did not re-engaged my friend..... you simply took control of the situation, you needed the shops as well, and you are mature enough to be around SS, still be polite to him.
I see this as, SS has not effect on you anymore, you do not love, like or hate him, he's merely another human on earth and you are mature enough to be polite during the couple of hours you have to spend in his presence..you did not engage, you did not make small talk, you did not give him money nor did you buy him anything.
You successfully disengaged... sounds funny but it's true....
Now you know you can do this more, and if DH wants to invite the boy for dinner, you know you can do it, but keep the disengagement boundaries in place.... see it as a old friend of DH... you can spend an hour or 3 with them without any feelings.
I haven't seen SS since- he
I haven't seen SS since- he didn't come to my party (thankfully) but there was no happy birthday message from him either, and nothing from OSD since she came back. I think they are all getting the message, including DH. He went to see a skid (don't even know which one) last night and there was nothing when he came back. I didn't ask about them (I'm sure if one of them had been sent to prison or murdered I would have got to know, so now assume it must be the same old humdrum) and similar on Friday. It is so liberating knowing I don't have to accompany him on these outings- I still don't understand why he has to see his kids so often- I only see mine once every few months - they have their lives to live and I don't need to be constantly reminded how much they love me. We have texting and phone calls after all. Ridiculous.
Anyway next week I'm away all week without DH on an adventure. He can spend as much time with them as he likes.
DH knows if he does not make
DH knows if he does not make the effort to see skids, he will never see them cause they do not care...
yes he knows it deep down, he still needs the realization and true meaning of it.... then it will all be over as well
When I first met him I liked
When I first met him I liked that he cared about his family because I cared about mine. However, I soon saw that he was very different with his family than I was with mine and I soon began to resent being in their company so much. Apparently his ex (not BM) used to tell him his kids didn't like him very much. I actually think none of them like each other very much-some families are like that-so why the pretence?
I have never understood the dynamics of his family and never will.
I don't know if he ever will 'let go' of them to that extent. It doesn't really matter to me anymore. He loves chasing around after them and then lying down so they can tread on him with their spiky shoes whilst he hands them wads of money. He thinks that's what being a father is. Who am I to contradict him?