Is this a real issue?
Not sure where to start with this mess.
I remarried 2 years ago. I am 52 and have 6 kids, currently aged 21 to 36. When I got married 2 years ago the youngest moved out shortly before my new husband moved in. I was single for 8 years prior to this. I married a man that was married for 12 years and divorced for 7 years. He has never had any children and is now 51 years old.
In the first year I made a lot of changes to accommodate him blending into my big family. I made sure the kids stopped coming over as often as they did and I stopped having them over for dinner as they were used to. I stopped going places with them. When the youngest wanted to move back home I told him it probably wouldn't work. When I got married my niece and nephew were living with me at my house also and I asked them to move out. I essentially made a lot of changes. Its only in the last year that I have started to reflect back on these changes and feel resentful. I'm sure if you talked to my husband he would say that he made changes too (getting used to my family has been his big change and driving an extra 20 minutes to work each day is another). I have started feeling really hurt in the last few months as I reflect on certain things and honestly, I just need to know if I'm off track with my thoughts. I have tried to talk to my husband a few times about the things that are bothering me and he gets defensive and withdraws. He is not an angry person. He just checks out and leaves me emotionally stranded (the best way to describe how I feel after talking to him). Some of the things that I have discussed with him are:
Cooking. I have been cooking since I was 16 years old and I'm just tired of it. After being single for so long, I was looking forward to the day I would only be responsible for me and not my kids. As my youngest was a teenager, this started to happen and it was nice. Then I got married and I started cooking regular meals and I started to get resentful about it. I work 12 hours a day and he works 12 hours a day. Why do I have to cook when I get home? No, he can't do it because the man cannot cook. So I put my foot down and told him that he is on his own for meals. He agrees to this in the moment, but when he arrives home he follows me around while I do some projects and waits for me to cook something for myself. I then end up cooking something for him. I just find it all so frustrating. Multiple conversations about this have not produced any self direction from him.
Communication. He barely talks. He speaks in a monotone from the moment he walks through the door. He always sounds BLAH or short when he speaks. I feel my mood crash as soon as I know he is coming home. There is no joy in him. No expression whatsoever. Yes, I always knew this and I think I tried really hard to pull him out of this. It has become exhausting to me. To the point that I find something else to do when I know he is coming home, to avoid the blah "hey" that he says when he walks through the door. He also mumbles a great deal and I get very impatient when I have to ask him 3+ times to repeat himself. I often ignore him when he speaks and pretend that I didn't hear him, just because I'm so tired of saying "what??" over and over.
His parents. I love them. Nice people. They are in their 80's. He used to go to their house every Sunday for supper for years. When we met I would go with him. I started hated going there. Not because of his parents, but because of him. He doesn't talk to his parents. They are eager to talk to me and I have to carry on the entire conversation. He does not engage in conversation with them. He eats in silence. He gets up, packs up the leftovers for his work lunches and that's it. I feel bad for his parents because I know they enjoy having me there, but I can barely tolerate being there with him.
My house. When we got married he sold his house and moved into mine. I love my house and my yard. I bought it 5 years ago and its the first home I purchased on my own. It means a lot to me and I spend a lot of time renovating and doing things to make it comfortable and homey because it is my safe place at the end of the day. My husband is always making comments about wanting to sell the house or how big it is or how much work there is. One day my granddaughter asked him if he liked the house because she "loves it!!" and he said "its okay" in that blah tone he uses.
There are many many more issues that I could write about that are hurtful to me, but it has recently come to a head for me and I'm just lost. This is regarding my kids. My kids are a lot like me...expressive and interactive. Last week they all came over at various times, like they often do. They will just drop in for 15-30 minutes and then leave. I could tell my husband was annoyed with the traffic and I tried to frame it like, "if you had kids, would you want them to drop in and see you?" His response was, "I don't think they would have stopped in this often." The way he said it sounded like the IMAGINARY KIDS that he didn't have, would be better behaved then mine or more respectful. I don't know. It really rubbed me the wrong way.
A couple of weeks ago, my granddaughter had a friend over to our house for the night. My husband was upset that this girl was spending another night at the house (1 night each weekend for 4 weekends in a row). He said that he would like me to ask him if its okay for this friend to spend the night. I was trying to explain to him that this is the summer and this is what kids do. He was stuck on me asking first. It felt so controlling to me. I'm off on weekends and he doesn't have to do anything with these kids. He gets home late on Saturday and the kids go home on Sunday at noon. Maybe I'm wrong, but do I really have to ask him about this? They are 9 years old and doing their own thing together so they are not any work at all. That incident turned into a bigger issue when I told him the kids are coming over for a bbq. Unknown to me, they were coming to tell me that my daughter got engaged. So my 21 year arranged to have 3 of his 6 siblings come for a bbq to tell us together (he knew). My husband would not engage with the family when they were there and did not congratulate my daughter and her boyfriend when they announced they are engaged. I didn't realize this until later when my other daughter told me about it. She was hurt and couldn't understand why my husband was so cold to everyone that evening.
Then today. It reached a head. My daughter called me crying and stated that she is just so upset that she can't keep it in anymore. She said that she has noticed some things that are very upsetting to her. I listened to her and did not say anything because quite honestly, I was surprised that she was pointing out things that I kept to myself. For instance, my husband does not speak to my 4 year old grandson. He gets very excited to see my husband and show him his tractors or something...my husband does not engage with him at all. She also pointed out that when we go out for family events or we have birthdays, Christmas, etc., my husband never offers to pay for anything or even half. They watch me paying for birthday dinners and giving them gifts, but he doesn't buy them a gift. Since we got married they have bought him gifts but feel that he does not reciprocate.
So is this a thing? Is he supposed to do these things? I guess I'm so used to doing things for my kids that I don't expect anyone else to; however, it has started to bother me that he could pitch in and make things a bit easier for me. My kids do not have a father in their life so this has become a role they hoped he would fill in some capacity. Are they expecting too much? Am I?
#1- having the grown kids
#1- having the grown kids (yours and your niece/nephew) move out was a good thing. Adults should be living on their own in my opinion.
#2- sounds like he is an extreme introvert and having your family around (which seems like a lot of people) may be overwhelming to him.
#3- he doesn't have to buy anything for your kids, especially if you have already brought them gifts. It should just be assumed that the gift is from both. He doesn't have to pay for meals, outings, etc. It could be expensive for him.
#4- Your kids were adults when he came into the picture. It's probably hard for him to bond with them and have that "family" feeling. He probably just sees them as "his wife's kids".
#5- I don't think that you have to ask permission to have your kids over if it's not excessive but I do think that you should mention it to him or give him a heads up.
#6- As far as your granddaughter and her friend staying the night... you may find that they are not a nuisance but he may think the opposite.
#7- His personality from what you have described sounds very BLAH. My DH can be this way. He withdraws, retreats, etc. It can be very frustrating. It sounds like this is just the way he always has been???? Was he like this when you first met? Or he may be unhappy.
Have you tried talking to him? Does he have issues with your kids? Has he expressed any issues with your kids? Do they get along?
My DH has 4 kids and grew up 1/6 kids. He is used to the loud, chaos, people coming and going was normal for him. For me it wasn't so we had to come to a compromise. I'm normally a people person and outgoing but I feel that his family sometimes sucks the life out of me when they are all together (mostly the skids when they came around) and it was REALLY hard for me to adjust to.
1) I agree that adults should
1) I agree that adults should be living on their own, particularly my nieces and nephews. My only concern is my youngest. He moved out at 19 because I was getting married, but he didn't even have a job. Now he wants to move home and go to school. He is a great kid. We live in a university city that is very expensive. Living at home would help him tremendously and he would not need to get a student loan. We have a very big house and only use half of it. Its hard to justify saying "no" when we have all this space and he needs help.
2) He is an introvert and so am I. I administer the Myers Briggs Typology Instrument at work, so I understand what this means in every way. In fact, I am more introverted then my husband. As you know, we cannot use our "type" as an excuse, but learn to work inside and outside the boxes. I know what I need to recharge and when to re-engage. I have taught him all of this yet he makes no effort to make changes. He also doesn't understand my need for personal space either. He firmly believes that when we are not working that we should spend all of our time together. This might sound great in theory, but this does not allow either of us to have the personal space that we need to recharge.
3) I don't expect him to buy my kids gifts etc. I do put his name on the card and the kids do not know who contributed what. He does not contribute anything. Yet, I always buy something for his parents that is personal, from me. I do this because I find him so unmotivated to consider what his parents really want or like. For instance, he never considered taking his mom or dad out for mother's/father's day or their birthdays, until I came along. I insisted that he should not expect his mother to cook a meal for him (like every other Sunday of the year) on mother's day. His response the first time was "she enjoys it." I call bullshit! I think she wants to feel special and be recognized on a couple days each year. So we went out the first year and she was THRILLED. I also learned that his dad likes different tshirts that have quotes on them. Every Christmas, birthday and father's day I find him a unique tshirt. He loves wearing them to his doctor's appointments and showing the doctor. His parents really are lovely people. One day his mom said to me, "I can't understand anything xxxx is saying because he mumbles, so I pretend that I hear him." Oh boy. Anyway...back to the gift thing. Since I got married my kids buy my husband gifts on his occasions. My granddaughter buys him something on father's day. I just wish that he would offer to pitch in some $ or buy them something special to show them that he knows what they like. Or even offer to pay for dinner when we go out.
4) This may be true and I understand that. I don't expect him to "love" them but I also don't want them to feel that they are less welcome since he arrived. I should probably provide more details of what it was like prior to my getting married. Essentially, I was a single mother for a very long time and they were the only family I had living within 5000km (my nieces and nephews came into the picture later). So we have depended on one another for a very long time.
5) Yeah, I can't imagine asking if my kids can come over for a bbq. It would be different if my husband had this rich social life and I thought my kids would interfere with some plans he would like to make. My husband has ZERO friends. He has a business and the only people he speaks to during the day would be his customers. He does not even have an employee. He said to me last week, "so what would you say if I told you that I invited my family over for supper?" My response: "I would say 'what are you cooking?'" I have no problem with his family coming over and I ask him every time I have the kids over if he would like to invite his parents. He doesn't invite them because "they don't like it when all these people are here." Yet, his father, who has 8 siblings, says that he enjoys it because it reminds him of growing up with his big family.
6) My granddaughter is a whole other wrench in this. I have had her every weekend since she was born. My daughter got very sick after she was born and learned she has rheumatoid arthritis. She lost a considerable amount of weight from this and has struggled for 9 years to get her energy and life back. So her daughter spends all of her time at my house when I'm not working. My granddaughter is everything to me. Her biological father was not in the picture until about 2 years ago, when he started showing up. The bio dad's dad died suddenly of pancreatic cancer at the age of 49 and this really turned the bio dad around. That was going well and she was thrilled to have her father in her life. A few months into this, he died from an asthma attack while he waited at the pharmacy for his prescription to be filled. I kid you not. They could not revive him. It was devastating! However, from the moment my granddaughter met my husband over 2 years ago, the two have been bonded. Honestly, this is the only time I see my husband animated and fun. I know he loves my granddaughter and the feeling is mutual. Often I feel left out of their games and antics because I'm busy cleaning and cooking. So when her friend shows up for the night (only 4 nights in the last 2 years) I don't understand his logic. Unless he feels that he lost his best friend for the night. I don't know.
7) When I first met him he was just as quiet and soft spoken, but he was not as BLAH. I have addressed this so many times with him that I'm just tired of bringing it up to him anymore.
When did I ever say that I
When did I ever say that I "talk shit" about my husband with his mother?? I never have. Not once. They have no idea what I think about any of this.
You might be surprised to hear that I never expected him to accept my granddaughter every weekend. He often makes arrangement with my daughter WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE to pick my granddaughter up on his way home from work. He truly loves this little girl and has often told me that it feels like he has the opportunity to be a father. Any time I've asked him if he would like her to stay home one weekend he says "no, I like having her here."
Not sure how referring to me as a "Royal B" is going to get me to warm up to anything you have said.
You better re-read what I
You better re-read what I wrote. His mother told me that she can't understand him because he mumbles. I never said a word to her about anything. She randomly told me that one day when he was in the other room.
I also never said that "he doesn't deserve" to be consulted. Its not about deserving anything. He wants me to ask him if its okay and I don't understand why I need to ask. It doesn't mean that the following weekend I still didn't ask him! I did and the other child did not come over to play.
I said he makes arrangements to pick up my granddaughter from her mother's house. How is that spending time with my daughter? He texts her and then he picks the granddaughter up. No time needed.
I'm asking for guidance and other's experiences BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE CHANGES, not an opportunity for someone to get the information wrong so that I can correct them (you).
Your "perception" of what
Your "perception" of what I've said is just as distorted as the assumptions you have made about my perception.
Being pissed and feeling resentful are 2 different things.
I don't agree with my husband about asking if a 9-year old can spend the night, but I did it anyways. Funny, you missed that.
I don't need to be right, I need to hear other perspectives. Which is different than perceptions.
Cooking. It happened again
Cooking. It happened again last night. I just walked away and took a shower. He managed to put something together but he was sullen about it.
The communication issue makes me feel very sad. Every conversation with him is small talk.
You are right about his parents. This isn't fair to them and I need to see them. They are very nice people. They cannot provide any insight into my husband's behaviour either. According to them he was a perfect child that never gave them 5 min of grief.
I bought the house 3 years before I met him and it still needed a lot of work. I had no construction skills prior to buying the house; however, when it became apparent that I could pay someone a ton of money to do it or learn how myself, I bought the power tools and watched a lot of YouTube videos. I have learned it ALL!! I have built whole rooms from the studs up. Put in barn doors, drywall, hardwood flooring, ceramic tile, windows, pool deck, you name it! I'm learning how to do it. I also learned that I like it and I'm good at it. I would not have know this if I had not tried. My husband can't even hang a picture on the wall. He doesn't notice anything in his environment and can't understand why anything needs to be changed or fixed. Its not on his radar. Now, when I met him, I almost broke up with him the first time I went to his house. He bought a brand new house 17 years earlier with his first wife. She moved out 5 years later. So 12 years later you would think that something would be different in the house. Nope. Nothing. Whatever she left was still there. His Christmas nativity scene was still out. Nothing had been done since the day they moved into that house. It was the weirdest feeling to walk into a house that looked exactly as it did 12 years earlier. He just doesn't care about upgrading anything. We put his house on the market and the real estate agent advised him to make some changes in order to sell the house. I tore out all the carpet and put down hardwood. I changed all the light fixtures and tiled the entry way. I repainted every room to freshen it up. The house sold a week later. He didn't agree that things needed to be changed in order to sell the house. Oh, it would have sold, but he would have lost a lot of money the way it was because it was so outdated. Now he wants to buy a house that is move in ready and doesn't need any changes. How is that even realistic?
I do put both our names on cards for the kids.
I honestly don't know if I'm "ok" with our relationship. It makes me feel very sad.
»
This sounds like a great list
This sounds like a great list to take to couples therapy and discuss with your husband.
Some things here I think you are right to be upset about, somethings I think he has legitimate complaints about.
He sold his house and banked
He sold his house and banked the money in his account. We split my mortgage equally and he has us on a fast track system where we pay the mortgage off faster. He is pretty good with his money, but he doesn't exactly share it either. For instance, we needed a new roof and we took $3000 out of the maintenance fund that we both contribute equally to. The problem was the other $3700 needed to pay the roof. I had to pay it from my own money. Which is fine, but when we remortgaged the house this year when the term came up, there was a $1000 transfer fee from my bank to the new bank. He asked me for $500 to cover my share of this fee. There are other little things like this that he does that make no sense why I have to pay more of one thing and he doesn't. His answer is always "you make more money than I do." This may be true, but I also have more responsibilities, more people and more interests. For instance, I had 5 small dogs when we met. I am completely 100% on the hook for all their vet care etc. If I want to renovate or do something in the yard, I pay for all that. All trips to the hardware store are on my dime. I buy all the groceries and I believe in eating healthy, so there are no boxed crap in my freezer. Toilet paper magically appears. Seriously, the man does not buy anything. He comes home and its all there.
you need to meet with a
you need to meet with a family law attorney immediately. dh could divorce you take half of the equity you have in the home.
when you did the refinace how was the home titled?
time to get your dh to start chipping in. otherwise just pay for yourself and your dogs. your dh is on his own. and dont back down.
do...this...now!
Not a bad idea. If you put
Not a bad idea. If you put him on the title of the house, I hope he paid you half of the equity. If the house is in your name only, and he is paying half of your mortgage and some of the maintenance, you are ahead financially. Since it sounds like you end up paying for most of the other household items, maybe it works out in the end, but a discussion of financial expectations not to mention estate planning might be in order, If you have not done so already.
The way DH and I worked it out was that I pay all the taxes, insurance, repairs, etc. as the house is in my name. He helps with expenses by paying an amount that would be considered fair rent. When we eventually buy our own house will be in both of our names and we will each pay half and be responsible for half of the maintenance and repairs.
I would first of all be a bit
I would first of all be a bit curious why you married a man who seems to be so different than yourself. Has he always been like this or has it worsened?
Otherwise, it's unfair to resent or blame him for decisions you made to not have adult children and relatives living with you. It's not like they were your minor children and it probably is better for kids to launch at some point in any case.
The dinner thing is another issue. What I might do is agree to certain nights that you both will be on your own.. and other nights where one or the other is responsible for feeding both of you. The nights you are on your own.. eat before you get home. So no need to worry about him horning in on your meal! For his turn to feed both, it can be takeout if he chooses.. or go out to eat. As long as he is totes the weight.
I will be honest, for a guy who seems to not be comfortable with a lot of family you having your grandchild and a guest over every weekend for a sleepover is a bit excessive. I personally wouldn't think it needs to be a weekly thing.
As far as the mumbling. I am assuming that you are not having this issue with anyone else or I might think you should have your hearing checked. Perhaps he should have his checked if this is a new development.
Again, you seem like very different people. It's ok to change routines etc.. for a new partner if it is done willingly, but if you are feeling forced, I'm not sure what you are getting out of the relationship.
When I asked my nephew to
When I asked my nephew to move out 2 years ago it was because my husband wanted that room for his "man cave." How many times has he gone to this room in the last 2 years?? Twice! I redid the room for him and its beautiful. It has a large tv and a fireplace. His furniture is in there from his house. Its really nice. He does not go down there alone. He wants me to go with him. Ugh! This has not gone unnoticed by my kids. Soooo....nephew had to move out and the room doesn't get used? That's right!
Your Dh does not want to use
Your Dh does not want to use that room and wants you to go with him? Why is this a problem? My DH loves to be with me, and I with him. We are married.
There are women here who are complaining that their DHs don't spend enough time with them. What has gone unnoticed by your kids? That your nephew moved out of the room and your DH does not use it? Why are your kids this aware of your marriage? Your marriage is not an ounce of their business. I am getting a sense of what might be causing your DH's unhappiness....he knows he is not your priority.
It appears to me that your DH wants a marriage but the signs you give him are that you are otherwise engaged with your own family, to the extent that you are lamenting even your nephew moving out. No man wants to move into a boarding house that his wife operates. I do not have my own grandchildren yet, but I can guarantee that even I as the future grandmother will not have my grandchild under my roof each weekend, much less expect my DH to put up with it.
I think you need to think really clearly about what you want. If it's marriage to your DH, you need to get to counseling to figure out how to get on the same page and communicate expectations.
Why did you marry him? I'm
Why did you marry him? I'm genuinely curious.....
Why did I marry him? I
Why did I marry him?
I don't know anymore. The things that I see now were not visible then. With time, these issues have become present and unmoveable.
How long did you date before
How long did you date before marrying and did you spend a lot of time together? It takes awhile to truly get to know someone, longer than one might think.
We were together for 6 months
We were together for 6 months before we got married. I know it is not a long time, but we were spending every single day together, after work and weekends. I let my whole life slide during this time. We did all the things he wanted to do and we had a lot of fun together. Slowly I tried to reintegrate back into my life (the house and yard basically looked like someone abandoned it) and this is when I saw what I didn't see earlier. We also met with our pastor a few times before we got married. All of our family was supportive. My friends liked him. He had no friends. The biggest issue was "did we leave our pasts behind us" and both of us have been single for such a long time, there was no baggage hanging on because of exes at all. There still isn't.
Six months is not a long time
Six months is not a long time to get to know someone. Most people are not even truly themselves the first 6 months, they are still on their best behavior.
We did all the things he wanted to do and we had a lot of fun together.
This^^^is not real life. Letting your life slide in that time was a big mistake. The two of you were not getting to know each other as the real people that you are. You might have given him the impression that your life revolved around him.
When DH and I started dating, I told him that I didn't want him to call me everyday and he couldn't call me until a certain time. I wanted MY time after work for me, to work out, read or whatever. I was done dropping everything for a man. He was the first guy to really respect that and actually abide by my wishes.
I also told him, when we got more serious, that I would not be cooking him dinner every night. And I don't.
Things have been perfectly
Things have been perfectly addressed by others, so I will only address the cooking.
STOP IT!! Give him some websites or a cookbook. Examples:
https://www.amazon.com/Man-Meets-Stove-cookbook-microwave/dp/0985570806
https://www.amazon.com/Man-Can-Plan-Great-Meals/dp/1579546072
http://www.realmencook.com/Recipes.html
http://www.delish.com/cooking/g1295/recipes-for-men/
Or takeout numbers Or send
Or takeout numbers
Or send him to some cooking classes
Or get one of the meal order kits delivered so he can follow the recipies
Or just choose another chore that you don't like and negotiate with him that you will cook most meals if he cleans the bathrooms and does the vacuuming (or whatever you decide).
Or buy ready meals or frozen pizza for 'his' nights and tell him to cook them for you both
Or you could both prepare some crockpot meals at the weekend together (he can be your sous chief) and have them during the week
Lots of solutions to the food thing if you start to think creatively.
I know you have have had lot
I know you have have had lot of comments but I can identify a little with your situation so I will expand: Communication- your DH sounds like mine- they could be twins! The coming home from work thing? I know how that feels- now I greet him and bore him with the trivia of my day. I talk about very petty silly things and he has to listen to me- I don't ask him anything about his day and he doesn't volunteer anything. We eat in silence. I find this odd- but when my SS lived with us awhile it was the same- they never spoke! My DH does cook though, as much if not more than me- but there is never any conversation at the table unless I speak, and I have stopped doing it. So there is no conversation at all. I feel like I'm in a monastery!
He was the same with his family-he would take me to see them and there would be no conversation- we would have lunch, (no talking) and then it would be time to leave. Same with his kids- he hardly speaks and same with the grandskids. I disengaged- I got sick of the weirdness. When he speaks to them on the phone he puts on a silly voice that really annoys me.
My family are not nearby so can't visit often, so our home life, unlike yours,is very quiet. I have a large family and he comes along to the gatherings. If I take photos he always looks miserable, but I haven't forced him to go there!
People are asking why are you with him- but I say why is he with you? Maybe he does enjoy the kids but feels sad that he missed out, and knows he will never mean anything to them?
I think your situation is complex and I know how frustrating it is to have crowds of lively people around and then feel empty with that one person who you would like to talk to.
Maybe as a family you need to come to some arrangements where they don't suddenly 'drop in' where you ask if he minds they come over? The man cave is a great idea-you can suggest this in subtle ways. And why don't you do things just as a couple together?There must have been something that attracted both of you to each other? Go the cinema, see a show, eat out together (you won't need to cook!)- just be a couple again. I'm not sure if you are expecting too much- maybe you should ask him?
I have been doing this for
I have been doing this for months. I just zone out during meal time or watch tv. Its crazy actually. I would never have done this with my kids yet here I am eating and watching tv. Its super weird to me. I'm tired of the small talk so its fine too.
The thing with my kids is that they really like him and have welcomed him into the family easily and inclusively. Which probably explains some of their hurt that he is not reciprocating the way they want. Its as if they want more of him, not less. They are always respectful to him and always go looking for him during our times together.
He always wanted kids and his first wife left the marriage when she found out that she would die in childbirth due to a blood clotting disorder that she found out she had when they decided to try getting pregnant. The same disorder will cut her life short when a random aneurysm will end it. She went a little crazy (his words) and checked out. I often wonder if she decided life was too short to spend it with this man and left. So, he always wanted kids and I think this is why he enjoys my granddaughter so much. She was 5 when we met and they really have a nice relationship. She refers to him as her grandfather and they are often found together giggling over some silly thing they both like. Its adorable to watch.
My situation is crazy too- I
My situation is crazy too- I never thought we would end up like this, but it is a direct result of my disengaging from his kids- so there the similarity ends. I respect DH's space, we talk about practical matters, and we still eat out together, go the cinema, shopping etc and he willingly joins in my family things. He is also capable of doing house chores himself- and is a great cook.
I think you should try to put your kids out of the picture for a while- and focus on the two of you as a couple. What's wrong with going to his man cave once in a while?
I think it is sad that he never had kids- but also great that he has a relationship with your grandaughter. I think that maybe he did want to be around your kids but something has happened to make him think he can't cope with how they are and he knows this won't change. I think this is why he doesn't use his man cave- he didn't marry to be on his own.
I think the suggestion that you 'barter' over the jobs is a good idea- maybe a night in the man cave if he cooks a meal- and he may need some help with it at first.
I think if you do not want to make any of these changes then this may be an indication you just aren't that into each other. You did marry very soon after meeting and maybe now you realise you are both unhappy in your marriage. How sad- but I do feel that you will survive a break up better than he will.
I'm the introvert in our
I'm the introvert in our household and I can totally understand where he's coming from.
Both my DH are on our second marriages. He has a son who is 21. We got engaged when the kid was right around 15yo and though custody was supposed to be 50/50 with BM it hastily turned into the kid living with us full time. I have no children of my own but I AM a SD myself so I know the drill. Or I thought I did... that being said, suddenly living with a teenager was a BIG change. I rationalized that it was only for a few years until he was 18 and then we could start living our lives as a couple. Yeah, well... THAT didn't happen either.
The constant comings/goings, kid taking the car when we had planned to use it (we have another but it's not always "weather friendly"), waking up to my kitchen being a disaster because the kid fixed himself a mid-night snack, and and and... I almost lost my mind. I, too, had lived by myself for YEARS and even my own family *surprise* (unplanned) visits absolutely derailed me. My husband is a "fly-by-the-seat-of-the-pants" guy and he thought I was overreacting and/or borderline crazy.
On your kids and grand kids... your home is his home, too. It doesn't mean he doesn't like your family, but they aren't HIS family and given his short list of friends/family, if he's anything like I am, he's just uncomfortable. This doesn't make him a "bad guy". When my husband finally got in the habit of asking if SS/SS's friends could come over/stay over it was a HUGE relief to me. Like, life changing. I no longer had to worry about the surprise shit. Over time, it's more a polite informative (rather than a question) and that now works for us because I (largely) trust that my feelings and desire for my own space are respected.
I'll have to agree with some of the other posters here... for what every reason whether it be poor communication, "see what you want to see" syndrome, or each part of the couple to be his best self (or the person that we want the other to see). Truth is, pretending to be someone you're not is not sustainable and has led you to be where you are today.
It's not to be said that the two of you can't get on a path that could work for everyone. If I were you... I'd take the lead and tell him you're sorry that you are where you are and you want to fix it, but honestly my friend, you are more guilty of a switcheroo than your DH.
Let us know how things play out.
A couple of observations.
A couple of observations.
The cooking thing is bogus. You're not looking for a gourmet meal at the end of a long day, just sustenance. Anybody can boil and egg and make egg salad. Or make a sandwich. Or put a pizza in the oven. Take a look at the frozen food aisle and there are lots of meals there to try. "He can't cook" is an excuse to depend on you.
Has he mentioned the mumbling to his doctor? DH's brother mumbles as well and they identified it as a medical condition of some type. Can't remember what. Could be that speech therapy will be helpful to him. His mumbling might be WHY he is not communicative. He might not want to change at this point in his life, but if it is a barrier to your relationship, he will have to decide if he'd rather address that behavior and remain married to you, or not address the behavior and suffer whatever comes next with you.
You sound unhappy, and if that's the case, I'm sorry you are. But only you can change that. What do you need?
What does this man add to
What does this man add to your life? You don't need to answer me or anyone else here - but give that some real thought so you can think about the answer to that question and what it means to you.
^^^This! It sounds like you
^^^This! It sounds like you married a man with some severe social issues. Perhaps you should drop him off at the nearest cave with a supply of water, granola bars and dried fruit then just have conjugal visits once a month. You still get the benefits of having a man but not having to cook or deal with his silence.
Another thing to keep in mind
Another thing to keep in mind is this. If you know he is not a "social animal" and that your family and grandkid sleepovers overwhelms him, then you should probably make some effort to do a good share of your socializing outside the home. TBH, it is his home as well and some people need a respite from all the chaos so to speak.
That is also perhaps why giving him a heads up that you will be having visitors over might be nice as well. Certainly your kids can call first and then you can tell him.. oh jane will be over in an hour... Give him a chance to escape or whatever he needs to do.
He sounds very introverted and people probably overwhelm him.
Six adult kids dropping in
Six adult kids dropping in like there is a revolving door on the house would drive me nuts.
I love to cook but as I got older found I did not like to eat much after the noon meal. So I made it clear from the start with my DH that I would typically have a bowl of cereal or some other snack in the evening rather than a big dinner. He didn't mind but frankly doesn't have a lot of cooking skills. I actually do like cooking for us at times. I would prepare a healthy meal for him if he wanted me to (he doesn't) because I care about him. Just like he takes care of some things I do not know how or like to do. I am not clear on whether you wouldn't be preparing an evening meal if he were not there or if you would eventually make something for yourself. If the latter, I don't understand the idea of deliberately making only one meal when you could just as easily prepare enough for 2. To be honest it all sounds a little self-centered. MY house. MY kids. MY granddaughter. He probably is unhappy. Sounds like you are too. Maybe communicating through a counselor would help. It is difficult to raise concerns without the other person becoming defensive. It sounds like you're DH is afraid conflict. I can relate. Unfortunately because of past experiences I have had, I also have this problem. All the more reason to consider speaking with a therapist together so that some guidelines can be set so you both can communicate in a non-threatening way and get a better understanding of how he communicates, and vice versa.
About the house, in general , I think most couples prefer to get their own place together eventually. Not his house or her house , but their house. DH and I chose to live in my house but we are looking to buy our own. For now he pays expenses in the amount of half of what fair market value would be for rent.
There are some really great suggestions here from the other posters.
As others have mentioned, it
As others have mentioned, it sounds like he's not very social and tired of trying. Especially when you're kind of forcing it on him. You don't think you should ask before having people sleep over in your marital home? I'd be livid if my husband did that. He knows I'm not very social, and quite honestly, as much as i'm willing to try with his family, he knows it has to be on my own terms and not to push them on me all the time. I let him go see them as often as he wants and everything, and once in a while I invite them over and give my best, but he knows I expect to be forewarned if they're coming over or staying the night because as someone who's very introverted, it's a huge invasion of my space.
As an introverted person who's not very social, I can tell you that socializing with my husband's family kind of feels like a chore. I genuinely have no desire to socialize, even with my own friends and family, and i'm glad my husband is understanding and not pushy. It's kind of like when I reach my limit of 4-5 hours or so, I need time to recharge before I can get back to socializing lol.
As for expecting him to pay for dinners and such, it sounds like you have a large family and he's not exactly your children's father or related to your family in any way. I get that "dad" usually pays... my dad/grandpa are both like that, but they're part of the family. Your husband is simply married in, and it sounds like he married into the family recently, so I don't feel he should have to fork out a potentially HUGE cost every time you guys choose to celebrate something. That's not fair.
Welcome lady and all I can
Welcome lady and all I can say - You do this all to yourself. DH is not doing a thing.... it's all you
Now buy a whole lot of freezer meals, and if you don't want to cook, then don't, smile and say Hon there's some meals in the fridge if you are hungry and ignore.
If you want to do something with your kids, tell him, say Hon we are all going out for dinner you want to come or would you rather stay at home reading? And respect his choice...
You daughter complaining he never pays for anything - now this is where I would tell my daughter to butt out of my life, why should he pay for anything.... each adult pays for himself that's that and you pay for him and you... he has no responsibility towards them.
The in-laws... pffft so what if he takes left overs, if you like them visit and chat away, your DH is just not a chatter.
The Grandkids and kids - not his to worry about, there's a reason he got married at his age with no children....respect that, if you want to change him then why did you marry him?
He's the kind of guy that loves you and well to him it's enough just having you around even if he does not speak at all... I am serious, my SO is not a chatter as well, and we can be together every night without speaking to each other at all (I'm a chatter - I chat on this board)
Sadly, it doesn't seem as if
Sadly, it doesn't seem as if the two of you are compatible, nor do you want the same things in life.
Even though I have 6 kids,
Even though I have 6 kids, only 3 are living close enough to drop in unannounced. They are my 2 daughters and 1 son. The other 2 sons and 1 daughter live away. My 2 daughters and 1 son that live in the same area as me have common-law partners that I love very much. They also come over and that makes the 6 again. I love being around my kids because they are funny, witty, smart and always have something going on that I want to hear about. One is getting married and one is trying to have a baby. These are exciting times and I don't want to miss any of it. There have been plenty of times that I have missed out on things because I was working more than 1 job or going to university full time. I had my 1st child at 16 and had a lot of catching up to do in order to support these kids. In the last 12 years my life has been so steady and predictable that its opened up more spaces to see the people I love being around.
Its weird that I'm such an Introvert and still want them around me. Now, if I had a magic wand I would like to see them have a bbq at their house once in awhile and I drop in and leave after I eat. I can't make them do that. They know how I feel and some of them have invited me to their place and its really nice. Makes me see why they want to come do it at my place all the time.
I really don't think that if he had kids I would be any different. My kids have always brought their friends over and many times I've had kids living at my house for weeks or months at a time that are not even mine! That is just who I am. If my DH had kids I would have welcomed all of their chaos too.
When I first remarried, we
When I first remarried, we had a lot of disagreements, but we finally figured it out. We keep our finances separate; I buy for my family and put his name on the card and he pays for his family. He pays for his toys and I pay for my vehicle right down to the insurance, taxes, maintenance. He's an introvert and many times, we take 2 cars in case he wants to go home early, that way I don't feel any resentment. And, we always ask each other if it's ok for so and so to come over dinner. It's just a common courtesy.
If he doesn't have a bond with your daughter, that's not his fault. You can't change someone else. What if you didn't love his parents? Would you want him forcing you to have a relationship with them.
As far as your 19 year old son moving home, if he's a good kid, I'm all for it. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to abandon your kids. My DH & I feel you help your kids when they need it. If they're trouble, then you show them the door.
Your DH doesn't sound like a bad guy, just different than what you expect. I think counseling would help, it certainly couldn't hurt.
This sort of sounds like the
This sort of sounds like the situation with my DH. We had our 'honeymoon' before the wedding. He shared in the conversations, intimacy, and fun. He also lied about his financial state. He did all of this because he wanted to make a good impression on me. SD was even nice. I was 'understanding' and overlooked a lot of things that I shouldn't have because I wanted to make a good impression on him and SD. I don't think either one of us had a realistic vision of what our marriage should be.
After the wedding I guess we both thought we were 'safe' to go back to our standard MO. He went back to being the introvert and self-centered. We would go out to dinner and he wouldn't say a word. Intimacy took a nose dive, and I was wondering where the fun went. SD turned into a b#tch. I went back to being the independent, somewhat 'outspoken' woman I was before we got married - DH even complained about it.
When SD had her meltdown 6 1/2 years ago it all came to a head. We had to work on the marriage or call it quits. We decided to work on the marriage. This meant a lot of compromising. DH had to learn to communicate and show affection. I had to decide which 'issues' were important, and which 'issues' were not worth worrying about - was it REALLY a hill I wanted to climb or was there an alternate solution?
This is just a suggestion: Make a list of things that you like about your DH, and a list of things you don't like. Then make a list of things your DH obviously likes about you and a list of his complaints. Go through the lists and see where he can bend a little and you can bend a little. Cooking his dinner might be a good 'trade' for the work he does around the house. Maybe cutting the granddaughter's visits to once every two weeks. Stuff like that.
It is common knowledge that large changes in a person's life such as divorce, marriage, death, etc., seem to cause more stress 2 years after the event. It appears both of you had different (and possibly unrealistic) expectations before you got married, and now you are both disappointed. Several people have suggested a good counselor, and I agree this would probably be the best thing to do to get the 'air cleared' before you make any firm decisions.