You are here

Reality check for a Grumpy Old Man?

Java_Junkie's picture

SKids (12 and 13) live 0.9 mile away.

When it’s dad’s week to have them, they like to come over to our place. According to them, dad’s evil… I’m sure they tell him I’m evil, too, so I’m taking it all with a grain of salt…

DW is a flight attendant and goes for longer trips, gone for a week or so, and does it on the weeks her ex has the kids. So our place is *Mmmmmine, all mine…* Well, little ol’ me and the livestock LOL… When I go to work, I lock the place up, since nobody’s there. Last night, in the next town over, a FB post said something about some “door hanger” guys coming through (you know, the down-on-their-luck guys who rubberband the fliers to your door), and one of them opened this lady’s storm door and dropped his pants, then smooshed “his junk” up against the inside glass, leaving a greasy kielbasa print. As I read that, I thought, “Yyyyup… I’m locking the storm door, too…” and I did.

Today, it’s been rainy all day… And SURPRISE! I’m at work, and SKids called to say they can’t get in. What?? They walked over in the rain from their dad’s place, and are complaining that they can’t get in. They found a way in which is fine, and I told them to stay in with the doors locked, don’t answer the door, etc – until their dad or SMom comes to pick them up.

But back to me… My week with the place all to myself, no kids, no messes, just me and the critters – and my food. And they come over unannounced. No plan. No supervision. I’m sure they’ll eat some of my food, which isn’t a problem except that I will suddenly realize I’m out of something because they ate it, and it’ll aggravate me; but if I knew ahead of time, I might have left a note or explained something… “Huh-huh, oh yeahhhh… I may have eaten that...”

Aaanyway… I prefer some basics… Schedules, budgets, plans, commitments, stuff like that. Not hardline, but at least SOMETHING as a guideline with some minimum standards - a little deviation is to be expected in this day and age. A BOUNDARY, if you will… When you say you’re going to be somewhere, YOU’RE THERE (or have an awesome story that we’ll all hopefully laugh about some day). When you say you’re going to do something, YOU DO IT – or your word becomes worthless. When you don’t have anything planned, if the mood strikes you to do something (or change an existing plan), you ASK the other folks that the change might affect BEFORE you do it (odds are that it’ll be OK, but ASKING is what’s fair). Failure to follow these basics causes problems (usually small, but they can build) in my world, because I DO like to keep my commitments, and when someone sweeps in and takes my stuff, eats my food, robs me of my time, spends my money that I have all set up to do something else, that’s about as entitled as it gets – and RUDE. “A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Or am I just a grumpy old man? I’ll own that if it’s true, but dang…

These kids say dad keeps only adult-type health foods at his house and there's darn little of it. SS13 has a HORRIBLE habit of opening up food and then not closing it up, and it goes stale. I think that's why the guy does that, so I'm trying to as well (the wasting was really grinding my gears!). Of course, they won't 'fess up to being the reason why he doesn't keep much food there.

Java_Junkie's picture

Wellll... I will as a last resort - or if Kaptain Kielbasa "makes his mark" in the neighborhood. Smile

notasm3's picture

Why as a last resort? That should be your first resort to keep any intruders out of your home.

Java_Junkie's picture

We have a keyless lock on the front door handleset (not a knob, but the handle with the push-down thumb button), so it's locked - though burglars will push down on the button and ram the door with their shoulder to break in - so a locked storm door slows them way down to where they'll go on down the road; and we have a keypad-coded garage door opener, so it's locked... but I also know burglars will sometimes shove a hook above the door and snag the release rope to manually open the garage door. Many burglars will also access the attic through the garage and come down through a ceiling in the house to not set off door alarms. Burglars are a tricky lot! So, for that, I generally lock things up tight, and if I know none of the kids are coming over, I prefer to also lock the garage-to-house door as I leave (it'll at least slow them down, which most criminals are lazy anyway - that's why they're criminals). So, if I know the kids or someone else is coming, I'd let them use a keyless entry path. School days during the school year, etc... But lately, with a perv in the next town who opens storm doors, I'm locking that one up. Hope that makes sense?

As for anyone entering while I'm there, my friends and family know to announce their presence as they enter, as any intruder who walks in will have to be rolled out to the coroner's van.

ESMOD's picture

Personally, I would tell their father (or tell your wife to tell him) that you are not comfortable with them coming over when no adult is home to supervise. You can put it in terms of the safety due to the kielbasa person..lol.

They are also getting to be of an age where they may get into mischief like drinking or opposite sex visits. With you and your wife absent, that house looks mighty fine as a den of iniquity.

You do NOT want to know what my BF and I were up to in the old quarters we lived in during the transition to my dad's new quarters... I still had a key.. there was still furniture.. ie beds.. 13/14 yo kids.. um yeah.. not a good combination.

It's safety and liability if they bring friends along.

Java_Junkie's picture

Agree. And while my brother and I were alone for a few hours at that age, we didn't do stuff like that out of respect for our folks. Not fear (though there would have been Hell to pay!), but out of respect.

I am pretty well tempted to reach out to the child support dude and let him know what's up, and that I don't really like the kids milling about the place unsupervised all day long (and without PRIOR approval).

AWhite87's picture

i just joined im bout to my breaking point with my step son age 7 we have full custody of him and his sister never listens to my always pushes my buttons lies about me etc. Im so over it. Anything i can to could really use some advice thank you but this aint even half the thing he did
A.W

secret's picture

You might want to create a blog of your own... up on the left side of your screen.

My blog.

Rags's picture

From one "grumpy old man" to another.... no, you aren't just a grumpy old man. Your frustrations are well founded and I for one ... as a grumpy old man.... completely agree with you.

At 12 and 13 the Skids are far past old enough to be able to both make and be held accountable for their own decisions within age appropriate reason. If you are working and they make a break for it from daddy's house then they get what they get regarding not being able to get into your home. Good thing it was only some rain and not in the middle of a monster winter blizzard.

Stand your ground and let them learn from their choices.

Enjoy your solitude and Java_Junkie time.

Acratopotes's picture

Java - this is a huge discussion with your wife.... You simply tell her the kids can not be there if she's not there and she will not leave a key behind. You are not their father, you are not allowed to teach or discipline and you sure as hell are not a friend.

Then when DW leaves again, make sure there's no entry to the house, if she leaves the back door key - put a key on the inside so they can;t get in. If they call and say they can't get in (or DW) say in a friendly voice...

but your mum(you) are not there, it's DAd's visitation, you are not responsible for them...

Take control you Grumpy old man

Java_Junkie's picture

Yeah, about that... A week or 2 ago, she told me she doesn't want me to be a step parent to them, since they have two parents already - she wants me to be their "friend."

Parents buy the groceries and pay the bills and do responsible things that seem so mundane and get in the way of trips to Disneyland. SParents do some of that as well. Friends generally don't.

So I'm thinking... you want me to not be a stepdad? Cool, now I know where I stand. When we go out to eat, I'll buy yours and mine, but you can pay for the kids' meals out of the CS money you get. As for their friends sleeping over, I won't buy food or beverages for all those kids anymore, either. Rides to and from? Sorry, I'm just a friend. Someone's breaking into the house? I'll be a friend and call the police.

Maybe I need to move out?

Acratopotes's picture

No need to move out.... just put your foot down lol....

IF DW is not there skids will not be allowed there..... end of discussion, you keep on reminding her about her words _ you are not their father blablabla - ..... thus you will not allow them in your house when she's not there.

You will not pay a trip anywhere Sir... their parents can pay.... and Java old Grumpie... friends do not take friends with them on dates, it's just :sick: .. sorry skids, i am taking your mum on a date... and that you only do when they are with Dad... if DW wants to take them all out for a meal, she pays for you.. why she would've paid for any of their friends, you are a friend.. just a bit older Wink

Make DW regret those words for life... in a kind way, it will make her think twice before she ever does something that stupid again

Java_Junkie's picture

What's funny, I've noticed that so many folks who come here are a lot like me, where *we know something isn't right* - but someone is telling us it is... and the internal conflict drives us a bit off the road. Coming here to see that indeed, something feels wrong because it IS NOT right, it's a relief, and a rally to stick to our guns.

I think I'll simply say:
I want what's best for everyone here, including you, your kids - AND me. And I have to say, just as I know you'd feel odd with my folks or my son coming over unannounced or unexpected, you should understand how I feel when other people come over unannounced and unexpected. To me, when it's Frenchie LaDouchebaguette's custody week, I'm expecting him to man-the-heck-up and OWN that custody - and I'm expecting your kids to give him that chance, 100%. They need to be THERE for those weeks so Frenchie can see the areas he needs to improve.

Regardless of what he does, since you don't want me to "parent them," but want me to be "their friend," I'm starting to see and accept this for what it is, and will point out that friendships are mutual - or they fail. Nobody invites themselves over to a friend's house, but rather waits for the friend to invite them. To that end, I would like you to tell your kids that when it's Frenchie's week, HIS HOUSE is their home, and THIS is ours; and when you're not here during Frenchie's week, it's MY home - and they should only come by after I invite them.

But as a dad who had kids who their mom requested that THE KIDS pick and choose (and believe me, I thought they'd want the mental stability and would come to me; but to my chagrin, they wanted to be where the pets and their stuff was), I got suckerpunched by that deal, and I don't want Frenchie getting screwed the way my ex took advantage of me. So, PLEASE, for everyone involved, put your foot down to Frenchie and tell him to keep the kids his week.

I'll revise it, but that ought to do.

Acratopotes's picture

Java... I'm female... no way I will tell SO that... and as a female if I received such a letter/speech.. I would simply say, yes Hon... but nothing will change, it's way to weak and pointless.

Simply do it the short hard way... DW, I'm not the father and not the baby sitter, please tell you kids they have to stay with their father during his week, and we will invite them, but they are not welcome in my house if you are not here as well.

Be firm she can get over it, she started the game, you make the rules...

SO once told me I'm not his daughters mother I do not have a say... I disengaged immediately, no more rides to school and back home, no more rides into town, no more expensive clothing and toiletries... No more picking her up from school during the day cause she was sick... no more going to school when she caused shit and a parent got called.... SO works 2 ours out of town in the desert... thus he can't help his daughter... I simply said.. she can call her mother I'm not it....

Java_Junkie's picture

Ha, good points!

I want what's best here... however, as you pointed out, I'm not your kids's parent. Please tell Frenchie to keep his kids at his house on his weeks. It's not my responsibility to feed, entertain, and clean up after them when you're out of town.

Not mean, but maybe a bit frank...

Acratopotes's picture

I don't see it as frank, I see it as making your self very clear and not beating around the bush about what you want..

sorry I do not believe in sugar coating anything, facts that's it...do not leave room for interpretation anything differently then what you want to say.

fairyo's picture

Nothing wrong with frankness- we use it all the time in Fairyland and I'm sure you picked yours up on Mars. I wouldn't be rude, though, I'm rarely rude...

Java_Junkie's picture

Making progress.

DW and I have been not really communicating too well lately, which tends to lead to less happiness, which leads to less communication... downward spiral...

So we're picking some of that back up, though I have to point things out and face a degree of her getting defensive, and while I don't back down, I also don't escalate it into a fight. I just point out some things.

F'rinstance... Yesterday, DW returned from her trip, her kids came over shortly thereafter, and the kids pretty much owned her attention. Fair enough, as my folks needed the Family IT Guy to come help, so I went over there for a couple hours. When I came back, DW and I sat down and were starting to discuss some things, and SS13 was playing in the pool and started shouting, "Mommy, mommy, watch this!"

Major. Peeve. Of. Mine.

She cuts right to watch him, and I just figure she'd rather watch her 13 year old son do somersaults in the water for the 4,000th time this summer than discuss important stuff. So I clammed up, and she started to lose patience with me over clamming up. "Y'know, there ARE other people here, doesn't everyone have a right to be heard?" What a fuggin' cop-out...

I explained to her that I see that and recognize it, thought that we were going to have a chance to talk, and yet we're getting interruptions, and we can't EVER seem to have a chance to be affectionate, have simple chat time, or even do important stuff without the interruptions.

She doesn't see her kids' interruptions the way I do. While the kids can annoy, the problem is that she never taught them to wait their turn when grown ups are talking, and she still doesn't think it's a problem. Grrrr... She says, "One day, they won't even want to talk to me..." I am tempted to say, "Nah, they'll ALWAYS make time for a FRIEND." She and I agree that her parenting style and my parenting style are very different... She thinks I think she's not doing a good job (I have had to point out some things she's needed to do to help the kids develop, and I won't lie that when her kids do things that annoy me, I am not very good at hiding my being annoyed). When I was married to Wife 1, we had a neighbor who was a good friend of hers. Her husband and I got along, he was pretty cool... But this gal would see Wife and I in the driveway, talking, and she'd come on across the street and she'd walk right up to Wife and start talking to her AS IF I WASN'T EVEN THERE. No, "Hey, Java and Frappucino! How are you?" but ALWAYS - A L W A Y S - not look at me, just straight to her, "How are your scrapbooks coming? (or whatever)" I swear, I was in mid-sentence and she did that, and Wife turned to her and they started talking, and I'd just walk away. Forget it... SD12 does that, and it absolutely annoys the tar out of me - and I know it's not a "passing phase," but it's a tolerated behavior that IMO, the parents need to stop her - or she'll become that inconsiderate neighbor.

CONFESSION: Lately, I've been pretty quick-tempered (not normal, thinking it's all this crap just building up). I just hope I don't blow up, but can sit everyone down and get them to consider how I feel once in a while.