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DH and I had a Long, Long Talk

TwoOfUs's picture

So after I got upset about Friday night and hid out in my office Saturday, DH and I ended up talking for several hours about all things blended life related.

I won't recap the entire conversation, but DH admitted that he was unreasonable about my family because he felt left out and hurt. He had had the idea to go to this restaurant for my brother's birthday a week earlier, and my brother had told him that he really didn't want anyone making a big deal of it...and then, suddenly, my whole family was going spur-of-the-moment. He said that he feels like no one needs him or his ideas.

I reminded him that this particular brother is an extreme introvert, and that if he really wanted to arrange something for him, the thing to do is NOT to ask a week in advance or give him the chance to back out but to put a sister on it...that if he'd given his idea to someone else, it totally would have happened and been planned for...and he shouldn't take this personally.

I also got to express my frustration over the general tension about anything having to do with my family and I brought up the ice cream episode with YSD and other things I've been noticing that are making it difficult for me to live with her or tolerate her last year here for visitation.

DH got weepy (which he tends to do when talking about the skids...which really annoys me) and said that he probably is babying YSD and SS because he feels like he didn't get enough time with them as kids...and that of course I'm totally right that it's entitled and silly for an almost grown girl who drives and has money to demand that daddy take her to the store for ice cream...that that's something that an 8-year-old does, not a 17-year-old. He said it's likely that YSD is performing a little girl role around him and that they're both acting out some form of lost scenes from childhood. He also told me that he appreciates me pointing this out, because he knows its not good or healthy for either of them.

We talked about a lot more - mostly money, finances, and expectations we have in the marriage. DH said many times that he just feels like no one needs him anymore and he feels totally useless. He did tell me that, even though it may not always seem like it, he is incredibly happy for me that I'm doing so well with my work and he's proud of me...he doesn't want me to think that just because he's feeling down about his prospects that I have to hide my excitement about stuff I've got going on or downplay what I'm doing...which is very intuitive of him to realize I've been doing that somewhat.

Obviously, a lot of this has to do with the business struggles and setbacks. However, we were able to sit down and brainstorm about 20 things he could do that would bring real value to our home and the business while he's in this holding pattern...he's been tackling those this week, and he already seems more healthy and less nitpicky. Plus...I got a really awesome lighted patio area with a picnic table that DH built out of the deal...great place to hang out and share a glass of wine. If we weren't on this stupid eating plan Smile

Comments

Acratopotes's picture

"DH said many times that he just feels like no one needs him anymore and he feels totally useless"

I would've replied - hey dumb dumb - I need you but you do not see it, I need you as a father for your children and a husband for me, making me feel like the only one in your life, ... I NEED YOU....

but I got tired of jumping up and down for you to notice me, thus I've stopped, the way you felt when my family "excluded" you is the way I feel every day, you push me aside to cater for your children..

TwoOfUs's picture

It's funny...this is one of the things I said to him almost word-for-word. Something like: "You feel useless and not needed? How do you think I feel? No one needs or wants a stepmom. You've felt this way for about a year and can't tolerate it...I've felt this way everyday for the past 8 years..."

Ninji's picture

I've had troubles with my DH and family as well. It's ok to have his kids whenever the mood strikes him or BM but my family, no way. "There's no room"

It's nice that you and your DH can actually have a conversation. Work things out. Be honest with each other.

TwoOfUs's picture

I know.

He's actually very insightful and has a lot of self awareness about most things. I'm glad he acknowledged to me that he's just being unhealthily sentimental.

I imagine that these growing pains would be there as kids move out of an intact family as well...but it feels like such a stark relief when one partner is weepy and sentimental about it and the other is excited...lol.