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Facebook and posts with bf and ex daughers post

soccermom830's picture

why does it bother me so much that BOTH of my bf's daughters post pics of him and his ex and family on his fb from the wedding I was rejected from? dumb question probably but the pics of him dancing with his daughter have his ex wife standing in the background watching and also of her to the side while he was giving her away. so staged. so strange to me since they have been divorced for 8 years. ugh are these normal wedding pictures with a divorced couple? i guess it's more the bride's choice with both her parents. I just think it's odd. and no, I don't care to see believe me. but I wanted to be friends with him on fb. not anymore.

What bothers me more is I am hardly visible on his fb at all. fb is stupid. haha I guess he is tagged in more pics than he posts. he told me he deleted the family pic of just him and his wife and kids but there it is again. his other daughter posted. they tag both their parents on so much on there and still group text with their parents. it's like they are still a little family in some ways. very irritating. if I posted a pic of my ex with me and my kiddos, shit would hit the fan. it is a wedding though I guess so should be overlooked but so many old pics too still lingering with ex wife until just recently. she is more visible than I am on his fb.

I guess I feel as though I'm his current SO and should be displayed just as much and if deleted, added back later at least. I guess it's best we are just not friends on there. ha but she can be deleted just as easily as I can be right? just weird to me.

anyone else feel this way? I guess I just shouldn't care.

secret's picture

My parents had been divorced for years and years when I got married to my ex-h... they hadn't said a nice word to each other in that amount of time... and many more bad words to everyone else.

At my wedding - they both behaved like civil people... my father even went to ask my mother to dance during the first few dances... AND both posed for the same pictures.

it was mind blowing. You could have heard a pin drop... both families were like... WHAT. THE. FUQ. the entire time.

And this, after an inordinate amount of time trying to plan and place and schedule everything so these two would be nowhere near each other at any time during the entire wedding shebang....

I never asked for them to be seen/heard together... they just did it... because they're BOTH my parents... so no... I don't think it strange to have divorced parents in the same picture for milestone events such as a wedding.

secret's picture

To this day I'm not sure. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother was.. well I left home at 15.

We're good now... but I dunno.

I think they were more concerned about appearances than they were about me.

Then again, maybe not... because later in the evening my dad waggle his junk like a nipple tassel.

sandye21's picture

"What bothers me more is I am hardly visible on his fb at all."

Soccer, I really don't want to sound like one of the trolls who spew out insults, but it bothers me that you are still with this guy. He has already let you know - very bluntly - where you stand as far as his priorities. One of my favorite sayings is, "A little masochism never hurt anybody", but this way over the top.

As far as what he shares on his fb account with you, you gave yourself the best advice, "I guess I just shouldn't care."

Maxwell09's picture

There are deep rooted issues here that these Facebook posts are just manifesting into bigger things inside of you. It isn't Facebook, its your interpretation of what it looks like to others who see these pictures and his profile on Facebook that bother you. When BM slipped into a picture with SS and DH at SS preschool graduation, I burst out laughing. She posted it on Facebook for all those "you're so awesome for co-parenting" comments and "your son is going to love you for this picture of both his parents later" blah blah blah. It was actually my mom who raged about it. I could care less because I know that picture is fake, I know that it was staged and I know BM only posted it for all the compliments and likes she could get from her audience. Facebook is fake even down the the multitude of likes and friends lists from people you don't know or knew but never speak to. Your SD or whoever are posting these pictures for the likes. She isn't doing it to maliciously hurt you, but even if she is then ask yourself why do these staged, fake pictures bother you so much? It's because your husband. He doesn't broadcast you the way SD is broadcasting these photos. He isn't caring that all these strangers/people are liking and commenting on these pictures not knowing the true story behind them. Being validated is your problem. You want your husband to validate your relationship to his daughter, his ex and to these strangers that don't even know you exist because he 1. Never posts about you and 2. Allowed his kid to ban you from her wedding. Have you ever told him that you feel as though you don't exist in his life as a primary feature? Don't include BM or his kids because they are grown or in the past. Make this about what it really is-you and the way he down plays you, your relationship and life together.

The family group text is weird. It sounds like he is staying in the loop with his kids by playing into their weird obsession with pretending to be an intact family still. Well there isn't much you can do about that except ask to not know when its going on. You say that shit would hit the fan if you posted a picture of you with your Ex and kids....okay well yeah because thats YOU doing that. From your post, I gather that it is just his kids tagging both BM and your DH in things. What if your child say posted a picture of his child (grand baby) and tagged both you and your Ex on Facebook, would you untag yourself because your Ex was also tagged? Do you think your DH would ask you to untag yourself? It all boils down to insecurity. We all have it, some days its harder to get passed than others but in this situation the best thing you can do is ask your DH to help make you feel more secure in your relationship (and I don't mean by deleting BM on Fakebook or untagging himself from his child's wedding photos). This is between you and him.

soccermom830's picture

he says it shouldn't matter because he is there for me in real life - not facebook. I told him it matters to me because his family can see how he feels about me. he says just be around them in person more. he doesn't get it and won't listen.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I agree with your SO here. FB is dumb. FB is a Self Promotion Platform. Many people are not into self promotion. You have him in real life. His family knows it.

SacrificialLamb's picture

At least this was at a special occasion! A few days ago my OSD took her mother to visit her fathers family (they have a good relationship). Had a mini family reunion without DH. With his siblings, nephews, their families. OSD then posted pics of DH's family's with her BM standing in the middle. Just standing in someone's living room.

I can't imagine taking my mother to my father's brother's house, taking pics of my mother with my uncle then sending them to my dad. Just an utter lack of respect.

I think it's reasonable that pictures of the bride dancing with her father and the father walking the bride up the aisle would have the mother in the background.

Your SO did not post the pic of his ex. Cut him a break on this. My DH only posts dumb jokes on Facebook. I hardly show up. I post pics of my cats. To each his own.

But the reason you are having a hard time seeing these pics is because it was an unhappy event for you. You felt snubbed and you didn't feel backed up by your SO. You feel insecure about your relationship with your SO now as a result. So don't look at the pics. Block his daughters on FB. Just tell your SO Facebook causes problems and you would rather not see things that potentially could be upsetting. There is nothing good there, and I know we are tempted to see what could get posted in the future. Put that out of your head and block.

ETexasMom's picture

Be prepared for these pictures to pop up forever! SD still 2 years later loves to reshare pictures of her and DH from her wedding. Thank God BM is dead (OD'd years ago) so I don't have to deal with that. Although SD did want him to sit next to a picture of BM at the wedding. He refused. They were divorced for years before she died and she was horrible to him while they were married. Instead SD sat the picture next to BM's parents. I didn't sit with DH at the wedding either and was not in any of the picture. DH did grab the photographer and asked them to take a picture of us. Of course we never saw the picture and SD didn't give it to him when he asked for it.

Best thing to do is take your own pictures of you and DH! Tag hubby in the pictures. Share things on his page that you like. You don't have to hid in the corner. Teach DH to make you relevant in his online presence.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Best thing to do in this situation is to block any and everybody who may try this sort of sport. They have every right to post this, but you have every right to not see it. Seeing it is not strengthening your relationships either way. And, if you have no reaction at all, I bet you will see less posting of this nature...just saying....give it some thought.

After quite a bit of FB abuse and friends telling me things were written etc., I eventually blocked them all, including spouses...It was an empowering and peaceful move for me, all--at the same time.

FB is my hero...for once-- something (social media), showed me in writing the truth== about what the were really thinking about me... Forever indebted to FB now.

hereiam's picture

FB is dumb, but the FB thing is just ONE example of your SO being okay with you being and feeling left out. The group texting and the wedding are two other examples. But he thinks he can tell you how to interact with your ex?

From every post of yours that I have read, I get the same underlying feeling, that you are just a side dish, not the main course. I don't mean sexually, but emotionally. He just does not seem that into you. You do not seem to be that important to him. Why is that okay with you?

TwirlMS's picture

We both deleted our FB accounts when DH and I got married. It was the best decision ever to put this hedge around our marriage where outsiders can't attack us. Whether by posting photos, passive aggressive comments, we took that right off the table from the start and did what was best for US.

The last thing I posted onto my FB account was my wedding pictures so everyone could see, I have a new life now. Then deleted my account entirely. It was an empowering feeling.

We are happily disconnected technologically. So happy to be out of the loop on all of it.

I even took it one step further and had DH's smart phone shut down as well, as this was causing problems in our marriage with the SD's intrusive text messages at all hours of the day and night. Best decision I've ever made. Peace at last!
DH has a landline now and she can call on that, but so far she hasn't. Probably doesn't want to leave a message on a regular answering machine because she knows she can't do it secretly.

When DH and I were dating, he asked for my picture to put as his screen saver on his computer at work, and his computer at home. I gave him one of the day that we met. That's one of the early signs that told me he was serious about me.

My advice....... give your boyfriend some real framed photos of you or shots of you two as a couple, for his desk at the office or at home and maybe you won't worry so much about other people's photos, which are out of your control anyway. That is, if your relationship is solid. If you're on your way out of this relationship, that advice doesn't apply to you.

My SD complained to DH that our home had photos of my kids on the mantle and not of them. Truth is, it was mostly DH's grandkids and my grandkids and only one of my sons' wedding and graduations, which I already owned and framed before I met DH.

SD even wanted to control the photos I had in MY home. None of her business. Both step kids have given DH framed photos as gifts since then, but since our move he has never taken them out of storage. Whereas my desk at our new house has a bookshelf above my computer where I have all of my framed photos displayed.

Livingoutloud's picture

In my past step-family relationship I was bothered by this or that SDs did and exSOallowed. Finally I had enough and left. Now looking back on To it. It was all SO's fault and I was never secure in That relationship hence I was bothered with what SDs did. I didn't feel secure because he wasn't the right man for me.

I am now happily married to someone and I am 100% secure in my marriage. My DH puts be first and would never allow SDs to do anything to upset me. They don't do anything drastic but I really don't care about little things.

When you are 100% secure in your relationship, pictures on Facebook wouldn't bother you at all.

But I do understand how you feel. Your SO makes you feel unimportant and Facebook isn't a problem. It is a symptom. Your feelings are valid.

Honestly he comes across as he isn't that into you. Not enough. Is there s future to this relationship? Was it discussed? Is it progressing or is it stagnant? I think making sure this is right relationship is more important than what they post on Facebook

Sometimes people don't want make their relationship "too" public because deep inside they might know it will not last. I might be wrong on that, but do you have a feeling that this is "for life" or at least for very long? DH and I knew very early that this is for life. In my other relationships I didn't know hence I always had one foot out the door. Your SO might be having one foot out the door