You are here

Stuck In The Middle

Brit_Mum1976's picture

Hello everyone. Im going to tell my story and I apologize now if it turns out to be too long. I guess I'm looking for a little encouragement and advise just like everyone else.

My hsb and I have been together for 3 1/2 yrs and have known each other as friends for 8 years prior to that. Before we were married, my daughter and I lived together alone for many years after I separated and subsequently divorced her father. It is a weird relationship! My hsb and I were friends for years and I also previously knew his ex wife as well. Our children played together growing up. So when they divorced and we came together it changed everything. Amazingly though, things have been reasonably good with the new family set up. My daughter lives with us and my step kids come over every other weekend and for a month in the summer. My hsb is currently in the process of requesting custody of my step son as he has asked to live with us and I am 100% ok with it. Up until recently, we have mostly gotten along, a few bumps here and here but nothing out of the ordinary. I get along with my step children, especially ythe 12 yr old. The 4 yr old is trickier, she is very strong willed but even then we mostly get on. I try not to discipline them.

At the end of May we moved to a new house, and since then issue have been arising that were probably there before, but I either never noticed them, or was in denial. May be they are new I dont know. From my perspective, over June (when my step kids were staying for the month) my husband seems to favour his own children over mine. I think he is over compensating for not living with them anymore. I'll explain what I mean. I feel that he is spoiling them, he doesnt follow through with punishments or if they're asked to complete a task it's not 100% completed and theres no comeback. I have to finish the task usually. I think he doesn't want to upset them and is trying to make sure they are more than happy when they are with us. I am ok with wanting them to be happy, but the tables are turned when it's my daughter's turn to complete a task. If she doesnt do something satisfactorily, even something as small as missing a bit of dirt on a fork on washing dishes, he's quick to get frustrated with her and wants to respond with punishment. If I think the punishment is undeserved, he gets upset with me.

An example: We have a new house rule that any eating is done in the kitchen to prevent carpet spillages. My daughter took a drink into her room (it has hard wood floors) and he was very angry and shut off the internet as a punishment. I thought it was an unfair punishment even though she shouldnt have done it, and he got angry with me when I told him so. In contrast, he let my step daughter, who is a lot younger, eat in the computer room with carpet and not at the kitchen table. Consequently, there was a nasty mess of crumbs and sticky spills and no punishment. When I bring this up, I am making a big deal about nothing. I am seeing double standards here..

After this, my hsb said he would not discipline my daughter anymore and I agreed I would handle it. I thought it would get better, but it hasnt. They do not talk. My daughter stays in her room when he is around, he thinks he is a bad step dad and I am in the middle of course. I have not brought up the fact that I think he is spoiling my step kids. I am scared to open that other can of worms. I have tried to get my hsb and my daughter to talk a couple times, but they always go through me to discuss the other one. It's driving me insane. I told them both not to do this anymore, but neither one listened. I am debating sitting down with both of them, but again I'm terrified they'll get ever further apart and I'll bear the brunt of it all. Every tme my daughter comes up in conversation he seems to be very negative about her and this breaks my heart. I told him once and he said that wasnt true, that he was always complimenting her, but I just cant see it.

Last night I had a fight with my hsb as I requested he help me get my daughter to the airport on a weekend we have the step kids. This is didnt go down well as it would have meant he would have to switch weekends and it was apparently too short notice (3 weeks from now) I thought it was enough time, but he complained. I shut down after that and I've been feeling sick to the stomach ever since. The stress levels are high right now. We've barely been speaking all day today. I feel lost and trapped between them. Nothing seems to be working. While they have moments of being ok with each other, its just getting less and less.

Any ideas, even tell me I'm looking through rosey glasses and I'm wrong.. something! I have no one to talk to here. Thanks so much for reading all of this.

Comments

Brit_Mum1976's picture

No, it wasnt in front of my daughter.

How is it my choice to be in the middle? Just asking.

Brit_Mum1976's picture

Thanks thats a lot of good info Smile

My daughter is 16. My step son 13 and my step daughter 5. The weekend change for the airport ride is we cant fit all of us into his car and mine is not reliable enough for a 2.5 hour drive out of town. I also have a lot of anxiety driving due to previous issues and was hoping he would help me. Sorry for not giving a lot of info there.

As far as bringing up that the other child was wrong at the time my daughter was wrong, that didnt happen. It was something I noticed after the fact that rang an alarm bell with me. So clarification there too Smile I agree 100% on the "learning experience" must fit the "crime". That is usually how I operate. I will try to keep an eye on that in the future for sure though.

I love the idea of making a list of things to talk about and have him hear me out. It might be the only way to get through. I'm going to wait a couple days and think about what to say.

Thanks so much.

Brit_Mum1976's picture

I'll talk to him again abiut my daughter and see what he says.

It was separate. I never compared it with him, only to myself. I just asked him to have the 5 yr old sit at the table like everyone else and when he said she was fine I dropped it.

Brit_Mum1976's picture

I agree, its a mistake. It concerns me a lot. Im going to eventually have to talk to him about this too. I wanted to try and air the issue of my daughter first and then work on that.

Thanks for the input Wink

FrenchPeas's picture

Can you use his vehicle to go get your daughter and he can stay home with his kids and your car,,? Seems simple enough

Brit_Mum1976's picture

I could, I also have some severe anxiety about driving after some things that happened in my past and find it difficulot to drive long distances in places I dont know. (2 hr drive to an airport I've never been to). But if I really have to, I have to.

Brit_Mum1976's picture

Thanks for your input, I appreciate your thoughts here and I am in agreement with a lot of it. Smile

As far as the punishment for eating in her room, I thought she would not be able to have her friend over for dinner the next time she asked, would have been more reasonable and appropriate.

Brit_Mum1976's picture

The 1st part of your reply is fantastic. Thank you so much for giving me your thoughts, it made perfect sense to me. I'm going to do my best to let go og trying to discipline or "parent" the step kids. It will be a relief as I feel like Im bashing my head against a wall when trying.

The second half of your post has assumed A LOT. I dont live in fear of my hsb. He is a gentle man and very loving. He is my partner not my ruler. We communicate very well most of the time and share a lot of the work around the house fairly equally. I generally take more time in the kitchen and he works the yard and the cars etc. Its a compromise and I feel its pretty fair. The "scared" part I was referring to is simply about this subject, because it is the only issue we have that we have trouble talking about. We are not perfect by any means, but we are not in the dire situation you have described. Still, I do thank you for that advice also. I have been in abusive marriage in the past and this isnt one despite what might come across from my post. If this was unclear I do apologise for not explaining fully. I will bear in mind the counselor idea for the future Smile

Acratopotes's picture

oh dang... my advice.... you and DH needs to go out and talk about who's got what responsibilities in the house.

1. You parent your daughter, if he has any problems with her, he needs to talk to you in private and together you can decide the appropriate punishment, but you are the one telling your daughter.

2. He parents his kids, if you have a problem with anything regarding his children, you discuss it with him, together you decide what to do and he's the one telling his kids.

(see you are parenting together but the children does not know it, same goes when your daughter wants to go out at night, she needs to ask you in advance, you talk to DH and decide together yes or no and what time she should be back - you tell DD)

Then you need to talk to your daughter, she's 16 and very difficult age for a girl. Make it clear, she does not have to like her SF, but she will always be polite to him, you will not tolerate her disrespecting him. SAme goes for his kids.... they do not have to like you but they will be polite to you and your daughter.

Brit_Mum1976's picture

I like your suggestions, thank you!! I would feel much better if things worked this way so I am going to try to implement it. Hopefully the hsb is on board Smile

I've had a few talks already with my daughter that are similar and I think she does reasonably well considering she is 16, but no harm in reiterating a few things.

Brit_Mum1976's picture

Thanks for the advice! I agree about working together in private and then each parent parenting their own kid.

Yes the eating in the room issue was a one off, but if she keeps doing it, then there will be more consequences Smile