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Entitled Kids Make For Bad SKids

Java_Junkie's picture

Will be reading The Entitlement Cure next.

SS13 pulled out a huge 32-ounce cup and filled it half-empty (he's really a negative-Nellie, so this is something he does, I don't know why) with water, then set it on the coffee table as we watched a movie last night. He's good enough to use a coaster, so all was good. He reclined back, and we were all watching the movie. Then he moved and kicked his glass over, dumping about a pint of water all over the table. "Awwww," he said.

Waiting.

So after a few seconds, I paused the movie and started to get up to get some towels when DW said, "It's ok - he can get the towels." So I sat back down.

Waiting.

DW said SS's name... "Can you get some towels?" He really grudgingly got up and slowly walked into the kitchen, head hanging down, pulled off about 10' of paper towels and came back and put the towels onto the table, then started squeegeeing the water all over the table. DW saw he was doing it wrong, so went to get cloth towels. I could see he was just spreading the water around (still a little dark in the room) so I said, "Hey, you're just smearing it..." He then wailed, "I'm SSSSORRRRYYYYY!!!! Gosh...." just as DW came back.

DW lit into me. "Will you just STOP?"

"Ok, I'll stop."

If this kid takes that as me being abusive, we'll get NOWHERE. SS is a snowflake who wanted someone else to fix the problem, and when anything was said, he showed his entitled side. Hard to fix.

Java_Junkie's picture

Thanks. As of last night, DW was getting frustrated w me, so we slept on it and talked this morning.

I got to hear her biggest frustration is that she feels like I'm constantly on JUST him. So I pointed out the entire situation the other night and how I had been lightening up quite a bit the past several weeks - and how he's acting overly sensitive (I say ACTING because I believe he's not AS sensitive near as much as he knows he can pout and mommie will acquiesce or rescue him). I explained how I was trying to help, and she could see that... then I pointed out how he acted so wounded when she told him to go get towels, and THAT was when he got sensitive. When I told him he was just smearing it and said "I'm SSSSORRRRYYYYY!!!!" - that was just as she got back in the room and told me to stop. She only remembered looking at me. Nope. We had a good discussion, though, and I hope we're all good, and I reassured her:
I love her.
I love her kids.
I want what's best for all of us.

We also talked a bit about kids in this teens-to-teens transition and how they need to learn to respect other people's property, and we talked about him "ending up with" a bunch of my things, and she 'fessed up that she might have been the culprit. We talked about that and I said it's not about socks or deodorant or anything - it's about respect, and asking permission, and opportunities to have those links that get established in acts of benevolence - and how she had been depriving her kids and I the opportunities to make that connection.

I suggested counseling, she declined. Time doesn't tell; time is the workbench, and only results from persistence and patience will tell.

Many thanks for reading.

Acratopotes's picture

Agree with Bright, and next time SS does something like this pinch your DW to speak up and deal with it...

Java_Junkie's picture

I can give that Tommy Lee Jones *look* to let her know that I'm skeptical of the direction she seems to expect me to take this.

Solidshadow7's picture

I think that the fact that the kid spilled something and made no move to clean it up is a serious problem and a result of horrible parenting. He feels no sense of personal responsibility for his shared home and property. I feel this should have been addressed more harshly than "go clean it" after it was evident he would not move to do it on his own. And here is why---

I dated someone, he was 36 years old. He came over to my apartment, and placed his glass of soda on the carpet. I had 6 cats at the time. After a few minutes a cat walked by and knocked it over. The man in question looked at it, said "stupid cat" and then went back to watching TV as if nothing had happened. When horrified, I asked him to clean up his soda, he replied "why? YOUR cat did it, I'm not responsible for it." After I exploded, and a 15 minute argument ensued he eventually did the same you describe you SS doing, 10' of paper towels, and gently massaging the soda back and forth deeper INTO the carpet.
First off, he doesn't understand a soda doesn't go on the floor. Secondly, he doesn't understand that cats cannot be taught to avoid obstacles on the floor. Thirdly, did his parents never teach him to clean up after himself and Fourth- Really? Hes going to trash SOMEONE ELSES apartment? At 36 this guy was incapable of taking care of himself, had no respect for other peoples property and did not possess a single iota of personal responsibility. This guy also had a masters degree, all paid for by dadddeee of course while his manners and upbringing were courtesy of mommmmeee. (He got fired from every masters level job within a month usually for gross negligence) Do not let your DW create this please. This man was also raised by his mother who told every SF (and friend, and teacher and girlfriend) not to be so hard on her precious snowflake.

This type of permissive parenting that your DW is using, will eventually produce THAT. When this person then cannot survive in normal society, YOU will be the one taking care of another adult skid that is unsuitable for launching.

Java_Junkie's picture

Solidshadow7, that guy you dated strikes me as straight-up APD, possibly Sociopath. My guess, my hope, is that you're free of his reach.

SS13's friend has ADD and has come over several times, and Every. Time. He. Comes. Over, something gets spilled or broken. I have done what I can, said what I need to say, and I believe everyone knows he isn't welcome anymore. But when he was over, he'd:
- Fill up a great big plastic cup of whatever Coke or Dr Pepper, and the boys would be in SS(11 at the time)'s bedroom playing video games, and PITABoy would kick over his drink and spill THEWHOLEDAMNTHING on the brand new carpet - and keep playing because he didn't want to lose the game. SS would come running out looking for towels, and DW went in to help blot it up.
- I watched him put some candy in his mouth, and when it wasn't a flavor he liked, he just spit it onto the floor. I've been told I'm harsh on these snowflakes, so I opted to say/do nothing.
- This kid unscrewed the top of our gumball machine and was eating straight out of the top of it, thought it was funny. He said, "I JACKED YOUR GUMBALL MACHINE HAHAHAHAAA!!!!" and I didn't know what he meant until he was already at his mom's car and was leaving. So I put it all back together.
- He shoves SS into the pool sometimes "... 'cuz it's funny."

Since then, when asked if it's OK if he comes over, I express a desire to not have that.

Still, DW says, "I just love that boy..." about this twit. She admits that she feels sorry for him. I can't love someone who is a true POS in the making AND he has "Snowflake Bodyguard Parents" (SBPs) who tell me I'm being a hardaxx by maintaining society's norms in my own home. I don't feel sorry for him, but I DO feel sorry for everyone who is supposed to count on him for anything as an adult. "He's got it so tough..." Yup, and he'll bring it all on himself if *someone* doesn't teach him to be responsible up front, have a conscience that keeps him from straying off track, and feel GOOD about doing what's RIGHT. I can be part of the solution, or he can stay away... but I will not contribute to his delinquency by allowing/enabling bad behavior. Besides, his BS rubs off on SS, and I have my hands full with him enough as it is.

Solidshadow7's picture

The guy I dated was not a sociopath. I wish it was that simple. He was actually a pretty decent guy, just a product of AWFUL parenting. He still threw tantrums because whenever he had one prior to age 20, he got what he wanted. He never had to clean up after himself, and all the bad behaviors little kids have, like the whining screaming etc, was never punished or ignored out of him.
He was pretty miserable. Nobody wanted to hang out with him or date him and he got fired from one job after another and couldn't understand WHY these things were happening to him, since he was only behaving the same way he'd behaved as long as he lived at home, which had always worked out for him previously.
Kids learn how the world works and how to behave to get along in the world from their parents. Sometimes their parents teach them that they're not responsible for anything, nothing is their fault, and you need to throw tantrums to get what you want... Which results in a really rude awakening when they get to the real world, they do what has always worked and all of a sudden there are all these horrible consequences that didn't exist in the perfect bubble universe their parents kept them in.

Java_Junkie's picture

Ah, OK. Makes sense!

I've been reading The Entitlement Cure, and it's very good in that it brings a lot of light to this type of behavior. HIGHLY recommended to all steps and parents - even people who deal with the public (especially supervisors and managers).

I once saw a post on FB that said "Prepare your child for the path... not the path for your child." So true!

Java_Junkie's picture

UPDATE:

SS13 has suddenly turned over a new leaf - it's almost spooky how quickly he's done this. He's helping with chores, being a solid member of the family, and doing things right. I'm really amazed! Hope it's a real change and not just a show - but it's definitely worthy of reward to encourage the continuation of the good behavior. I'd almost wonder if they came here and saw my posts LOL... except that I did talk to DW and I was able to explain my stance.

Solidshadow7's picture

Reward the good behavior!
If hes cleaning up after himself really pile on how proud of him you are and throw treats here and there.

Java_Junkie's picture

Doing it!

SD12 was interrupting as I spoke last night, and SS13 shushshed her. "Whyyy?!?"
"Because Java is talking, and you're being rude."
I think a light turned on, I think he's getting it!

Acratopotes's picture

:? not to burst your bubble Java..... but I doubt he gets it,

he's 13, his annoying little sister had to hear it from him, he is older and can sush her....

I sincerely hope he gets it, will make your life easier..

secret's picture

never know... he could be.

I don't tend to let my kids hang out with that type... two faced... yuck.

Glad he's showing some signs of "getting it" though... even if it's only to your face... better that than disrespectful to your face, I think...