So Angry

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Hello, My name is Emily and this is my first time posting. I stumbled on this site while googling advice on how to deal with my stepson.

My Step son is 27 and lives several states away. Me and his Father have been together sine step son was 19 and already moved out. I have always had an ok relationship with him. We are not close but are on good terms. He has had a rocky start to his adulthood. He has been in and out of both jail and rehab. He lives with his grandmother (His mother has never been a part of his life. She has been in jail for the majority of it.)

Stepson has come to visit us for the first time in years. He is supposedly in recovery from his addictions and doing well in life right now.

I have a son of my own who is 15 years old. He is a good kid. Does well in school. Doesn't get in trouble. respects his elders.

I was already nervous about stepson coming due to his history but I don't want to be a judgmental person so I told myself that he is doing well now and I should relax and put the past in the past.

Well, first day he was here he got rip-roaring drunk and started hollering and being disrespectful. His Father just lets him do it because "He is an adult and he can't control him." My husband goes to take a nap and I go to take a shower. When I get out of the shower stepson has taken off in his car with my 15 year old son. Anger can not begin to describe how I felt. Finally, thank the Lord above, they come back safely and in one piece. I am trying my best not to show how angry I am because I don't believe getting angry and arguing with a drunk will accomplish anything. I do let him know that my 15 year old and myself where going to spend the night with my Mother so that Stepson and his Father have some time alone to spend together.

My stepson was not happy about it. In his drunken stupor he is ranting that my son is 15 and I should let him do what he wants. He is also trying to get me to let my 15 year old go out riding with him some more. I firmly said no and head over to my Mother's house.

At midnight I get woken up by a call from my husband. My stepson is still completely drunk but has lost his car keys and is swearing that I have snuck over and hidden them. He is also ranting because I will not let my son hang out with him all night. I had to be up for work at 6 am and this man-child is trying to find his keys so he can drive to my parents house in the middle of the night and argue with me about my son.

I guess I am just looking for advice. There is 2 more days left to this visit. How do I get through this protecting my son and keeping from having a huge family blow up from all of my husbands enabling family?

The ss needs to go NOW! You

The ss needs to go NOW! You do not need to wait 2 more days. You have to protect your son. You SS has clearly shown who he is. He is a toxic adult.

THIS^^^^^^^^^ OMG I would

THIS^^^^^^^^^

OMG I would have lost my damn mind

Thank you all for your advice

Thank you all for your advice and support. My son is staying at my Mother's home and she knows not to let him anywhere near my stepson. I have talked to my husband and he understands that he has to deal with this and my son and I will not be returning home till stepson has left. I have tried to be diplomatic with his family but this is way over the line and I will not be apart of it.

Well handled Emily8088!

SS likely wants to hang out

SS likely wants to hang out w/DS15 because mentally ss is a teenager. Most addicts are emotional stunted at the age that they begin using. You're dealing w/classic alcoholic and enabler behavior. I would ride out the rest of this visit at your mothers house and in the future let DH know that he will be the one going to visit his son. Turn your phone off when you go to bed and let DH deal w/ss's midnight rantings.

You have to protect your minor son. There is no way this can ever happen again! DH will be hurt and in denial because his son has made so much *progress,* but you know better and need to uphold your boundaries and protect your home and family. Your son is very vulnerable and likely wanting to be cool and accepted at his age. Protect him at all costs!

I have an addict brother who has been on and off drugs and alcohol/in and out of jail almost his entire life. I love him and would love to have him in my life on some level but there is just no way I can risk it w/two more minor children to raise.

Emily, it seems you have a

Emily, it seems you have a good handle on this. I want to add you are very fortunate to have your DH's support in this...it doesn't always happen.

It's just nice being able to

It's just nice being able to talk to other step parents and affirm that I am not going over bored. It is so easy to start doubting yourself. There are so many differences between what my family considers acceptable and how we handle things and what my husbands family finds acceptable.

That's what I really

That's what I really appreciate about this forum as well. I just joined and found the mix of support and straight talk to be so helpful. You're not only not going overboard, your stand is actually helping your SS hit his bottom, which he'll need to hit in order to get clean.

You might also use this

You might also use this incident as a lesson to DS15 not to ever get in a car with someone who has been drinking. He and his friends are approaching driving age and sooner or later he will be faced with that kind of decision.

Yes do not put up with this

Yes do not put up with this behavior. Also if you have any valuables in the house that he could steal to support his addition or just in spite for you setting a boundary then make sure they are locked away safe.

Absolutely keep the minor son from him. Call the police if he harasses you or shows up at your moms house. You should have called the police the instant he was driving drunk with your son in the car. They could have nabbed him before he turned back in the driveway and the problem would be solved. Thankfully he did not kill your son or anyone else driving drunk. Yet.

You are not being unreasonable to hold this line in the sand. Push that line further and get him out of your house. If you have no say about drunk abusive guests in your home then it is not your home. Refuse to pay a dime more into the home. Stay with your mom and pay her rent until you can get your own place with your son. Your DH should have kick SS out the minute he showed up drunk. His next chance was when SS took minor son for joy ride. The third chance was the middle of the night raving and calling you. Three chances to stand up to his SS and make it right for his wife. He failed three times. He needs to send the drunk packing now!

Until DH sees the light, separate your finances...keep some emergency funds on hand. You should have never had to flee your home. Make that phone call to the police next time yourself and have him removed. DH can go with him if he does not have your back.

Channel your mama bear and let them hear you roar.

While your SS's behavior is

While your SS's behavior is unacceptable, I would also hold your DS15 accountable for HIS actions.

It's not like your son is a two year old that your SS physically put into the car. Your son is very well old enough to KNOW that getting into a vehicle with an impaired person (no matter who it is) is against your rules. If he does it with SS, he will do it with his friends and others who shouldn't be behind the wheel.

I don't think there is a 15 year old in this day and time that doesn't know that drunk driving is a problem and that it is dangerous. I can't believe he didn't know that SS was drunk either.

So, your DH needs to get his kid under control if he is under your roof, but you also need to get your kid in line as well.. he put his own life in danger by getting in the car.

Oh no, my son knows he is in

Oh no, my son knows he is in deep trouble. As soon as I got my stepson to leave my son looked at me and said "I'm on lock down aren't I?"

I guess I'm not stressing that because it is familiar territory to me. My son is a good kid, but he is still a kid and does stupid things. For now, his social life and fun activities are over.

Glad to hear that part. It

Glad to hear that part. It definitely sounds like your SS has a substance abuse problem and you and your son shouldn't have to be subjected to it.

Sure, your husband is correct in that his son is an adult and can "do what he wants". However, adults face consequences for "doing what they want" and getting drunk and making an ahole out of yourself and endangering family members means you get to go "do what you want" somewhere else! No way should your DH allow that under your/his roof.

So, his response is son, if you want to stay here.. no drinking, if you can't do that.. find somewhere else to stay.

Make sure you explain

Make sure you explain carefully to your son the reasons why you fear him hanging out with SS. Sometimes young teens have no experience to base their snap decisions on, and an older guy's invitation can seem nothing but cool. They never imagine another person would put them in danger.

i am glad you are not calling

i am glad you are not calling your son blameless. i agree that 15 is not 6. make sure you punish him for making the choice he knew was wrong.

I know what you are going

I know what you are going through with the DH enabling the drunk. My SS got a DWI and lost his license for three years. DH knew he had a drinking problem but bought him a company van anyway. He was in the van when he was caught...I mentioned to DH that this could have been his business's liability if the kid had killed someone with it. DH kind of paled at that.

However now DH picks up the kid every morning and drives him to work when there is a perfectly good public transit system he could take. These disney dads think their kids walk on water. SS is the rudest, most ungrateful jerk I know, yet DH won't hear a word against him.

Oh and SS still binge drinks every chance he gets. I have told DH he is not welcome at our house any more unless he arrives and leaves sober. I hide the beer when he visits. He moans and gets sarcastic...I just respond...sorry I don't enable alcoholics. None of them says a word back.

I don't think you need any

I don't think you need any advice, you handled this beautifully! Just my two cents: 1. Don't be too hard on your son. This is totally alien to him and he probably didn't have he tools to deal with a full grown belligerent drunk. 2. SS can never, ever stay at your house again. Your DH can visit him elsewhere. When someone is this far gone they are a danger to themselves and others. I'm a recovering alcoholic ,when I was at my worst I would never, ever drive anyone anywhere.

I would have thrown the ss

I would have thrown the ss out of my house. When dh said "adult-can't control him" I would have said "you can't control me either and I am throwing him out."

This is a very serious matter with the teen boy involved. A very dear friend of mine has a sort of golden child brother, gorgeous guy, who became a heroin addict in his 20s/30s. Friend's parents could not stop themselves from taking him in. Well, they still had a minor teen boy at home, their youngest child.

While parents were so busy "helping" the handsome heroin son, they did not notice that teen boy was bonding with his brother and before you know it there were TWO heroin addicts in the house.

The story does not end well. The original addict is now dead, found by his mother (poor lady), of drug related causes. Never made it to 40. The youngest son lives on, in and out of rehab and no proper adult life to speak of.

These were all full brothers and millionaire parents, hard-working, great values, wonderful people. They just had to have that addict boy in the house. In doing so they lost 2 sons instead of one.

Your husband is a dick. He

Your husband is a dick. He should have done a complete and thorough smack down on his off-springs drinking, driving and with a minor!! And, the first thing I would have done is CALL THE POLICE when SS27 took off with your son!

What were you thinking!???

Problem is solved now.

Problem is solved now. Stepson was thrown out of our house, went to town and got even more drunk. Got into it with a local couple. Punched the pregnant woman then got beat by her boyfriend so severely that he was put in the hospital. The police are waiting for him to finish being treated and are then planning to arrest him. With his past record he is looking at 10 years. We have already told him we will not bail him out or help him. He is on his own.