Feelings have changed toward stepson
Hi everyone- I am new to thing page and have been doing somewhat extensive research on how I am feeling about my step son. I have found nothing that helps me understand why I'm feeling the way that I am.
I have been with my husband a total of 4 years. His son was 8 when we met. We got along VERY well. He was a great kid. So nice and polite, shy too. Our bond grew very strong. I eventually got pregnant with my own son when he was 10. Around the time I got pregnant, the bond we had began to diminish. I never stopped treating him differently. Although he was getting in trouble more, so I was getting on to him more. We had full custody for a while and my husband worked a lot so I was the one primarly taking care of him.
He was diagnosed with ADHD & started taking medicine for it. He started slacking off in school, not doing his homework, lying about school work and even things like brushing his teeth, which led for him to getting into more trouble. We had 50/50 custody at this point, and his bio mom is very strict with him as well when it comes to school.
As he kept getting into trouble at school, he started becoming disrespectful to me on top of the lying. He was only ever disrespectful to me - not to his father or grandparents. His father talked to him several occasions about it, but it always went in one ear, out the other. He's been grounded, had things taken away & nothing matters. Sure, his mother has some influence on him because she doesn't like me, but now he is old enough to understand that if he doesn't listen, he will get in trouble here. His mother doesn't know if he doesn't listen here because his mother and father do not communicate unless absolutely needed.
As these things kept progessing, he started to become overly clingy to my husband. He tries to cuddle with him at awkward times. If my husband sits down, stepson literally rushes over before anyone else can sit next to him. Husband will take pictures and he always has to somehow be in the middle, essentially ruining the picture. He asks husband to sleep with him at night. When we're in public he always has to be touching husband. If there's any other kids around my husband shows affection to them, stepson gets in the middle to make sure that he's getting attention too. When husband is at work, stepson hardly ever comes downstairs & the only time he will really talk to me is if he wants something or wants to go do something. When husband comes home, stepson comes running downstairs making sure he is around husband 75% of the time. My husband gives him plenty of attention, and 1:1 time so honestly there's no reason for it to be that way. My bio son is almost 2 so he has had time to get used to this transition.
With all of the disrespect that he gives me, only comes to me when he needs something, and even acts like I'm invisible, I have really lost all interest in him. I do not love him like I used to, and truly I don't even believe that I like him anymore. I have caught myself being really short & rude to him, and I try to catch myself but sometimes I just can't help it. I tell myself that he is a kid, but that doesn't give him the right to be disrespectful to me.
I'm not sure how to handle the situation, or my feelings about it. My husband knows how I feel and he totally understands. Has anyone else had these problems or feelings? What did you do to help diffuse yourself and try to make a positive? I am at a loss and have no idea what to do. Thank you all.
Maybe dad and SS should go to
Maybe dad and SS should go to therapy to figure out what's going on?
If SS has gone from being a
If SS has gone from being a nice kid to a trouble-maker then I would be trying to get to understand why - have you taken him to counselling?
With regards to how you feel, I completely understand and have also submitted a post on the same thing. I have two skids SS10 and SD12 and I've been doing this gig for a decade now. My feelings have shifted multiple times over the years towards the skids but what I do know is that I've never loved them. SS was really, really hard work when he was young but turned out to be a pretty nice and we generally get along pretty well. He's 11 in a few weeks so we are now starting to see a few pre-teen behaviours which provide a glimpse of unpleasant things to come so I'm sure my feelings will become more negative towards him again when he's a teenager.
SD12 is the really challenging one for me. She loves me and views me as her third parent but I've just never connected with her as she's too much like BM, however it did work ok until about 18 months ago. SD has just gotten harder the older she has got and displays a range of challenging behaviours. I imagine I'll despise her even more through the teenage years and all I can hope for is that I can get to a place where I can like her some of the time as I know I'll never love her.
pre teen tantrums and a
pre teen tantrums and a Disney father....
step back and let DH handle his own son, if SS asks something from you smile and say, You will have to ask Dad when he's home.. and yes counseling, sounds like a case of jealousy
He is no longer the only
He is no longer the only child....Perhaps he is feeling insecure and jealous of your son. After all, your son has you and dh 24/7 of the time. If he is a normal kid..he is probably constantly comparing his situation with your son's situation. He may be feel replaced by him and you. Lot's of different things go on inside of a 12 year old's head. Maybe he is having issues with bm. It really is all speculation until you figure out what the real problem is.
Seeing a counselor may help to determine what is going on inside of him. it could be anything.
All I know is you can't begin to work on it until you can identify what the real issue is...Peace.
This sounds spot on. With
This sounds spot on. With the new sibling, he's feeling threatened/replaced. He's blaming you for creating the replacement. My SS(11) is still very clingy to my wife. My daughter just turned 4 and he's still competing for attention from her. Luckily I have been involved with his mother since he was 2-3 and doesn't remember a life without me in it.
My YSS11 is starting to go
My YSS11 is starting to go through the same thing. Our relationship has always been iffy anyway but after MSS and OSS stopped coming over, it improved. The only reason our relationship was strained in the first place was because it was constant chaos with the three of them. The older ones would cause chaos in the home, pick on YSS horrible and do anything they could to make him scream, cry. After they stopped coming with YSS, things improved. I would take YSS to do fun things and we would hang out together while DH worked. Over the last year, YSS has withdrawn. He ignores me most of the time, disagrees with anything I say and generally just keeps to himself. I chalk it up to preteen crap. He is in the inbetween stage of a child and a teenager. Its a tough time. He still wants to play like a little kid but he is the size of a 15 year old. Its confusion. I just let my SS be and when he wants to be around me, he will.
As far as your SS physically needing to hang on your DH. My opinion is, if you just let him and don't appear to be bothered by it, he will stop soon enough. He will see that others are looking at him oddly for hanging on his dad when he is a teenager and he will stop on his own. But if he knows it gets to you, he will keep it up.
Cut yourself some slack,
Cut yourself some slack, here. 9-13 is typically an absolutely miserable time with kids, even for bio-parents. A lot of kids just aren't that likable during these years...they start acting out, expressing themselves more...having really strange behaviors and opinions. It's like...they're out of the really cute phase...they're mini adults in how they look but have none of the grace or polish that (most) adults grow into. I taught high school for 3 years and it was a running joke among the teachers that freshman boys are just the absolute worst - adult-ish bodies and faces with childish mannerisms just...not a good combo.
My own sainted mother once admitted to me that she struggled with a gut-level dislike/distaste for me for about a year. I asked her if it was when I was 13-14, hitting puberty and crying all the time. It surprised me when she said no...that didn't bother her at all. It was around 9-10 when I first started transitioning out of childhood. She said I just had all these annoying mannerisms and habits and I was just kind of gross all around. I laughed because I remember being and feeling so happy and free at 9 - and I felt like my mom made a point to spend a lot of quality time with me, too. Now I realize that was partly because she was feeling guilty about her reaction to me. lol.
Say all this to say...my mom was and is amazing. She was worried that something was broken or wrong with her (especially as I was her first kid) and it really hurt her heart. She was worried that something was broken or wrong with me and I was going to just be a weird, wonky, unlikable adult. We all grew out of it just fine...and she said she didn't freak out internally when my siblings suddenly became unlikable to her for a time period. She loved us...but you don't always have to like kids. If this was my own, utterly committed to her kids, SAHM...imagine how much more difficult this is for you, as the stepmom who DOESN'T have that bio bond to get you through the rough times.
I will say...I was like you with my YSD. I came into her life when she was 8, and we hit it off right away. Around 11-12 I really couldn't stand her at all. She was still sucking her thumb while holding a stuffed animal to her face...but she tried to talk and sound all grown up and cool using the most annoying slang. She was way too cuddly with her dad, even trying to get into bed with us in the mornings, which just grossed and weirded me out. It was like...she was a total baby in some ways, and trying to act like a know-it-all, cool teen at the same time. I think this is the toughest thing about that 9-13 age range...the babyish behavior right up next to trying to be too grownup. Gag. I imagine your SS hit this age range where he's trying to decide if he's a kid or adult...right when you got pregnant with a kid of your own. That was probably extra confusing for him and perhaps made him revert a little bit. If he's not a terrible kid or doing dangerous or awful things...I'd have hope that he'll grow out of it. My YSD is now 17 and is, for the most part, a lovely, responsible young lady.
Your SS is about to head into middle school, I presume? Go survey 100 middle school teachers and ask them how likable middle schoolers are. They'll all say they feel called and that they "love" this age range...or at least feel an affinity to it. But I would bet you that 90-95 of them will admit that kids in this age range are hard to like.
The biggest thing...just give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Your SS will definitely grow out of some of these behaviors...he may or may not grow into someone who you like and want to spend time with...it's OK if your relationship drifts as he becomes older and goes into adulthood.
I think a lot of has to do
I think a lot of has to do with normal pre-teen behavior. They bounce between "adult" and "childish" behavior and their thought processes are still definitely that of a child. I second the idea of counseling just to ensure there isn't anything else going on. It is not unusual for kids with ADHD to have trouble expressing themselves appropriately.