"My husband actually said to me that our marriage was in jeopardy if I didn't change my attitude toward his snowflake."

If my DH ever said that to me I'd tell him to stuff "our marriage" up his behind. My DH did ask if I could try to accept his son. And I did. But when that didn't work out DH never questioned my decision to disown SS.

I do agree with Sue2, It sounds like you are mad about a bunch of different things and it ended up coming out all at once which is confusing and does not lead to effective communication and your DH was not much better in his response.

Are sleepovers with SD and her friends quite disruptive and leave a huge mess? Maybe you should of just focused on that with DH and what your expectations are for these sleepovers or is it you want to control it and be able to say no to get back at SD?
If there are reasonable expectations discuss with DH and if she does not meet them tell DH that SD may not be mature enough to have friends sleepover for a while.

Mizfoxie is right, when sleepovers happen follow her suggestion and be nice and sweet. SD's friends will think you are nice and that SD is liar about you and it might make her not have sleepovers that often.

My skid use to have friends sleep over, it was never planned, he never asked however I liked his friends, they were polite and respect. One time his best friend stayed the whole weekend and in the morning he brought his overnight bag to the door and I stopped him and jokingly said "Was it something I said? We can work this out, don't leave" He just laughed and stayed and had brunch. He was a nice kid why couldn't my skid be more like his friend.

"People keep saying " Well, you are the adult"

The young lady is a spit away from being an adult herself. If that "well, you're the adult" statements are currently still coming at you, you need to shut the statement right down with 'and is is x months away from being an adult'.

I don't know if SD lives with you and Dad fulltime? No, you are not the housemaid, so of course there should be no cleaning up after two young ladies who are about to be adults. the girls aren't seven or ten or even twelve. Noise? What kind of noise? Again, surely two girls who are almost adult have the ability to conduct themselves in a civil manner and do be running through the house giggling and stomping around. So, I suppose you mean loud music or perhaps movies going at 2am? Yeah, no. Not tolerance for that sh*t especially if you and Dad have to get up to work. Which brings me to , is SD working this summer? If she has time to spend with friends, she has time to also work.

Being this is the guy who doesn't see why you don't want to take not only Sd but her friend on vacation with you, so I'm guessing the girls don't bother him, no matter how messy and noisy they are. But he's not the only one who lives in this home. You count too. And mess and noise is something you don't enjoy.

Do you get trade-offs? Meaning does Sd's friend have SD over to her home? Do the girls drive? Can they go to the movies in the evening and then come back and settle into SD's bedroom for the night? I've had overnight guest in my home with the kids and I've barely known the guest (nor my kid/s) were here.

DH needs to know and understand exactly what the issues are for you. If it's a matter of clean up and shut up, that should be an easy fix or no overnights. If he wants to divorce you because you object to loud messy girls running wild through your home, well don't let the door hit him in the *ss.

I also agree with Anotherstep, Ladyface and Brightfuture99. It took me about six years before Chef ONCE, yes ONCE asked me before unilaterally saying "YES, Ma'am" to the BM. When he did he looked like he was going to be SICK and it made the BM (Girhippo) so angry that she made sure never to call Chef when I was at home.

I had conversations about this with Chef over and over and over and over and over that just saying "yes" to the Gir and telling me after the fact was unacceptable. It was and still is MY house--the Gir would constantly try to change visitation on Chef just to show him "who was still boss."

The skids PASed out shortly thereafter, but I have no doubt that Chef would slip into this pattern again because these guilty daddies are scared shitless of their spawn and the golden uterus.

It's a basic courtesy. My skids don't sleep over. However, my DD lives here and I always check with DH (her SF) before approving sleepovers.

It sounds like there are deeper issues. I have learned that when I am ready to go psychobitch over dirty socks, there's emerging resentment about bigger things.

I don't blame you for being upset that he discussed it with SD and not you. It is a common courtesy to check with your partner before making any plans that will affect both of you! My SO has allowed my SD several times to let the neighbor girl spend the night without checking with me first....therefore I have either left to go hang out with my friends or just completely disengaged when they needed or wanted something and made him deal with it. Then I told him before SD was coming for her next scheduled weekend that I didn't want any kids staying the night because she asks EVERY weekend (that we have her) to have the neighbor girl stay the night. That worked for all of one weekend :/ The next time we had her she asked on Friday if she could have someone sleep over and we both agreed on NO. Then on Saturday I went to the grocery and by the time I got home he had told her she could have the neighbor stay the night that night...because he couldn't tell her NO 2 nights in a row! Wow! I was so irritated with him. I told him he most certainly could tell her no 2 nights in a row! Sorry not much advice here...just venting/relating! However I do agree with some other's that commented on the fact that he is being manipulative by threatening you about putting your marriage in jeopardy...that isn't acceptable! I would be packing my bags or telling him to pack his!

Melissa - I know exactly what happened in your house lol, I've been there.... guess what I did, I moved out,
SO was not happy at all about it and I simply said, well I pay 50% but I have no say in what's happening, you and your daughter decide what's happening in my house,

I do not allow a child to decide on my life... that's why I'm moving out, the 2 off you can enjoy your freedom now, oh and by the way, you are going to pay 100% of the house or your daughter needs to find a job and pay half, I will not pay cause I do not live there...... (Aergia at this stage was 12/13)

I still live separately from SO and about a month ago things got out of hand in his house, Aergia decided she's now fully the lady of the manor and I was banned from the house, which I own half off, I immediately put the house in the market.... I give a shit where they will live, SO can't afford buying me out, they both will end up in the street..
I have no problem with SO moving in with me.. but his brat is not welcome..