Daddy's Day ... and being a D!ck
Anyone else experience this challenge around Daddy's Day?
My SO will be lucky if he gets a text from SD27. He is completely estranged from his son and has been for years, so nothing from that front either. The kids were PASd from the time they were children, even long before the divorce.
I KNOW my SO is hurting every year when Father's Day rolls around. I try to be as sympathetic as I can be and let him know that he is (and has been) a good father - even if his kids have been taught not to recognize that fact.
The thing that aggravates me is that whenever these emotionally-charged holiday times roll around, he starts his pattern of nitpicking me. I'm sure it's a passive aggressive way to get out his disappointment and anger ... but DAMN. I'm sick of being the whipping post and have told him so. Once the holiday passes, he mellows out.
Anyone else experience this kind of behavior? If so, how do you get it to stop - other than call them out on it when it's happening?
Oh yes! Hell yes! Ignore it
Oh yes! Hell yes!
Ignore it all, go out for lunch or do something to get his mind off it all. Let it go, it will pass; like you said "he mellows out".
I lost my two sons in an auto accident and I survive Mother's Day every year.
Don't waste your time calling them out on it. It's like I said before and quote: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". Trying to call these skids out is just that, you waste your time and it only stresses you.
Sammi, I admire your
Sammi, I admire your strength. I cannot imagine the pain of the loss you've experienced and how much grief you have learned to shoulder and carry through this world. hugs ...
sammi, my heart goes out to
sammi, my heart goes out to you. i agree about you being a strong person.
I agree but at the same time
I agree but at the same time I understand him
Like Sammi, I 'survive'
Like Sammi, I 'survive' Mother's Day every year. My ex and I adopted two older children (sisters) with all sorts of emotional/mental/drug problems. I had one of them for 7 years and the other for 11. For my own safety and sanity I had to let the relationships with them go. So for a long time it was bitter-sweet for me.
For the 26 years I've been married to DH, SD has never even called DH for Father's Day. No acknowledgement in any form. DH used to mope around every year. I agree with Sammi - it's a waste of time to call SD out on it and would just worsen the situation.
By accident we came up with the solution: We give cards and presents from our 'furry' kids, make a big deal out of it, and it works great.
"moping" is the perfect word
"moping" is the perfect word for that look of disappointment and powerlessness.
Using the furkids has worked
Using the furkids has worked for us/me too! I would always get him a funny card and small gift from the dogs. You are right ... it did work pretty well. Sadly, the dog-kids are now gone so I don't have that avenue to use anymore.
I am so sorry that you opened your hearts to those two girls and then had to let them go.
There really are some amazing women here on ST who demonstrate that unlike the stereotype, stepmothers are NOT monsters and are some of the most loving, giving, self-sacrificing, open-hearted people you can find anywhere.
And are rarely recognized for it.
the skids would ignore their
the skids would ignore their father on fathers day but came to learn the importance of sucking up for gifts.
dh would always check the mail hoping to see a letter or card from the skids who lived across the country. when he said how much it hurt him one skid said, "deal with it." dh sat cowering in silence after that.
I wonder how these adult
I wonder how these adult skids act with other people? Can you imagine if that skid learned of their spouse/friend/co-worker's sorrow and troubles about something, and then said to them, "Deal with it."
They will be old some day and
They will be old some day and Karma will visit.
duplicste the skids would
duplicste
the skids would ignore their father on fathers day but came to learn the importance of sucking up for gifts.
dh would always check the mail hoping to see a letter or card from the skids who lived across the country. when he said how much it hurt him one skid said, "deal with it." dh sat cowering in silence after that.
I dread the day when my SO's
I dread the day when my SO's daughter has kids. It will be another generation which will be raised to ignore him ...
It's interesting the
It's interesting the different takes that each of us have on these holidays. I was brought up in a house where my parents called all these special days "commercial creations to sell Hallmark cards". We learned in school to make a home made card or do something nice, but the cake/candles/presents thing was drilled out of me because my parents were tight as a duck's arse and didn't believe in frivolous spending,
In retrospect, it doesn't seem like much fun! Personally, I like any excuse for a party/BBQ/cake.
I must admit as a mother it is nice to be acknowledged although all during my married life I don't think my husband or sons ever proactively did anything special unless I guilted them into it. Perhaps parents need to say what they expect, but then it doesn't seem like genuine appreciation. Mother's day just makes me feel,sad now,because all my friends who still have (aging) mothers complain about having to,spend the day focussed on someone else. We cant win.
My DH got a card from SS27 yesterday...by special delivery. Problem was, it had to be picked up,at the PO and there was heavy traffic so it resulted in his getting home late and hungry. His comment "I drove all that way and it's just a bloody card!" I smiled to myself because if he hadn't had anything we'd be getting the grumpy Dad face.
I wish I could have my mom
I wish I could have my mom back for Mother's Day. And my Dad for Father's Day. What a shame your friends complain about spending time with theirs.
One of the things I experience during these holidays is I find myself reflecting on what kind of a DAUGHTER was I? I think of the times when I could have done better, been better or been more patient and understanding of my parents. I think that's a part of aging ourselves; as you get older you tend to see things through the lens of experience and wisdom.
I do know that my parents knew I loved them, and they me. Despite our flaws and failings.
That gives me peace. Something my SO doesn't have as a parent, since his kids consider him irrelevant.
Thus, his moping and sniping at others when he is blatantly confronted with their indifference towards him.
We will be taking my 101 year
We will be taking my 101 year young Father to breakfast tomorrow for Father's Day. It is also DH's BD, so we will spend the afternoon back home, relaxing and later in the evening BBQ.
I had a heads up SD and family will be stopping by after noon; so will deal with that for a couple of hours and then margarita time and BBQ.
I agree, 2Tired , about
I agree, 2Tired , about appreciatng parents. My Mom died when I was too young (a self-absorbed 30) but Dad lived long, and I delivered his palliative care at the end. That was precious. We had many good times together.
I think to be honest, demanding recognition just backfires. Kids of all ages have to have a lightbulb moment when they realise their parents' sacrifices, and sadly for many, that happens too late.
I just consider the time around fathers day to be walking on eggshells.
I lost my dad about 2 weeks
I lost my dad about 2 weeks after he turned 49. I was 28. If he were around still, I'd really do it up for Father's Day
Very sorry. ((((hugs))))
Very sorry.
((((hugs))))
"Many of our DH's might have
"Many of our DH's might have had different outcomes if they had stepped up and delivered some expectations to their children." Agree wholeheartedly with this. They don't seem to have enough self-respect. When you don't respect yourself it shows and many take advantage of it. Here they are, wanting to look like a hero, ending up looking like a push-over, and we are delegated to clean up the mess. I'd love to say, "This is your creation", but it would fall on deaf or defensive ears. Better to push all of it in the background and let DH deal with it on his own. But for all I know he may have disengaged from SD.
Yeah. This. I "survive" both
Yeah. This. I "survive" both Mother's Day and Father's Day as well...as a childless SM (not by choice) and as someone who lost her dad way too young. It's really OK...they're both just another day to me. But I don't understand why nearly grown kids who are fortunate enough to have both parents alive and healthy would ignore their dad on Father's Day.
top this: its fathers day and
top this: its fathers day and dh calls his daughter to come over for dinner paid for us of course. she shows up empty handed and with an empty stomach. this is the child who ignored his phone calls (skids lived out of state with bm having custody) for months on end when the brat wanted something he refused to buy.
oh and dh said sd said happy fathers day! of course he was the one who called her.
i dont have any respect for my husband in regards to this. no sense of pride at all.
as for nit picking, i know this well. he is mentally projecting his unhappyness onto you and making you into his punching bag.
when husbands are unhappy with aspects of their lives is when they become dicks with us. it could be work, skids or anything.
"when husbands are unhappy
"when husbands are unhappy with aspects of their lives is when they become dicks with us."
And this is why it's so important for us to learn how to disengage and leave the situation. When DH gets into a$$ mode I just go do errands or leave for the gym. I'm not his emotional punching bag or doormat. If he wants to vent and just be heard that's different but when I'm somehow to blame for HIS family problems or HIS weird insecurities then I'm out for a few hours.
recently dh has become a huge
recently dh has become a huge a$$hole.
he is having a full blown mid life crisis. he is facing retirement age, taking care of his dirt poor parents, following his adult children like hes lovesick. its embarrassing. he goes to the place of work of one sd and just hangs around. i wonder what the girls co workers are thinking.
and who does he use as a punching bag? his wife. the one who did not sleep around on him and leave him while taking the skids and using cs money for new husband.
i agree that disengaging is the best when dh is like this. if he wants to wallow in his own misery over his life he can do it and all by himself.
"he goes to the place of work
"he goes to the place of work of one sd and just hangs around."
Just what everyone wants, daddy hanging around the water cooler. That is weird to say the least.
still learning: You nailed
still learning: You nailed it when you said "when husbands are unhappy with aspects of their lives is when they become dicks with us".
June has been a very busy month for us with family visiting. First it was DH's family from back East, then my family; there was my DH's BD and Father's Day on the same day, my Father's 101st BD and Father's Day, family reunion just yesterday, June 24th. It has been stressful and I flew thru it very well.
DH has increasingly become a dick to me all this past month, and the last week of this circus. I kept smoothing it over saying "we are going to get thru this family thing this month, just a couple more days". This morning DH says; "hope you had a nice time all day yesterday with your family", very sarcastically. He didn't want to attend the family reunion picnic, so stayed home. I ask him more than once to go with me, if he desired; but also stated he was not obligated, because of the heat and his health. He chose to stay home. We had agreed we would get thru it and back to our normal schedule after this week and weekend.
Now he is sulking and being a dick to me today; which I don't get, because it's over now and all should be getting back to normal. Understand, not one member of my family stayed in our home, even though they had planned, they changed their lodging arrangements. We even went out to lunch and I never fixed a meal for my family. One full week, first of June, I entertained, did laundry, and had his family here lodging and eating; which I had no problem with, because we see them once a year, as we do my family reunion once a year.
With all of this said, I believe the only thing bugging my sulky couch potato is that his daughter didn't come to the hospital when he had heart surgery in April, she didn't come by for BD and Father's Day in June (she was in town). She is punishing him for staying with me (3 years ago) and working out our marriage. Now this is all my fault. I even hog tied him, held a gun to his head to sign papers on our house sale, and made him move from down the street from his princess. It's all my fault!
My take on it all; I didn't raise this mini wife and it's his problem, and the older he gets the more difficult it is for him to handle the aspects of his life, or should I say the results of his parenting.
Sammi, "My take on it all; I
Sammi, "My take on it all; I didn't raise this mini wife and it's his problem, and the older he gets the more difficult it is for him to handle the aspects of his life, or should I say the results of his parenting." He's the one who created this situation. He's resentful that you had a good time with your family at the reunion while his family fell short on his important day. So now instead of kicking himself in the a$$, for what is obviously his failure to teach SD about mutual respect, he's going back to his old pattern of using you as a scapegoat. Let him sulk. No pity for self-inflicted wounds.
I read you comment on another post, "I'm at the point if I'm tired of the drama with DH, I go out and get in the car and treat myself to a Starbuck's or a nice lunch. I usually call a friend and take them with me for a nice afternoon." Sounds like a good plan.
This is so true - how the
This is so true - how the skids punish their fathers, then the fathers turn around and have to punish someone.
As men, what they should be doing is facing their own emotional turmoil and putting it right at the feet of the perpetrators, instead of trying to avoid or bury it. Because inevitably, it will rear its ugly head again and they will direct it at the easiest target which is US!
They think since they've captured us, they are safe and can direct their unspent sorrows and anger at us instead of their precious offspring.
Ha ha, thanks Sammi though I
Ha ha, thanks Sammi though I believe I was quoting Sugar&Spice's profound nugget of truth.
Crazy how skids punish their fathers for trying to be happy. It's ok for them to move on, change partners, move residences, have step children of their own and do whatever they want but if their father dares to create his own happiness with someone that doesn't directly include them...sssshuuuun the unbeliever!!!
He'll get over it, until then I hope you have some fun and stay positive.