Father's Day and taking myself out of the trenches
Happy Father's Day to all the stepmothers. How are you handling it?
This year, instead of cooking a fabulous dinner for step adults that don't appreciate it, I am taking myself out of the equation and giving SD37 what she really wants for Father's Day. Exclusive alone time with her father. Never mind that DH also has a son and stepsons, grandchildren and step grandchildren, I am giving SD her exclusive day to get all of his attention on Father's Day. (right after we go to church that morning because she is not going to take that away from us at least).
This is not what DH wanted, it was my suggestion. The rest of us will do our own thing on Father's Day. My kids will spend it with their wives and children and I will spend it with my mother and take her out for a dinner riverboat cruise. Maybe visit my dad's grave first to put flowers since we didn't do it on Memorial Day.
Maybe SD will see that her past behavior of trying to divide us is really not in DH's or her best interests after all.
"Maybe SD will see that her
"Maybe SD will see that her past behavior of trying to divide us is really not in DH's or her best interests after all."
I would not count on that outcome. More likely, she will expect exclusive time & attention on all special days.
That could be, since she's
That could be, since she's repeatedly tried to insert herself into the role that her mother vacated when she passed away 6+ years ago.
SD recently attended a funeral of DH's half brother. SD never knew him, yet she took the day off, and drove four hours to get there. She was the only one of her age group that showed up. Everyone else was DH's siblings, their wives, and the deceased's senior aged friends.
While we were there, I could not finish a single sentence. She chimed into whatever I was saying at the luncheon afterwards, trying to contradict whatever I was saying. Excuse me, but I was an eyewitness to these events! People would ask me a question about a past vacation DH and I took, and SD acted like she was on that vacation and proceeded to answer the questions aimed at me. I feel bullied whenever she is in the same gathering. Or otherwise snubbed.
Finally, I got up and moved to another table. Even with a distant relative she's never met, she had to mark her territory.
I'll try that, thank you.
I'll try that, thank you.
Hold you hand up in her face
Hold you hand up in her face and continue with what you were saying. When you hold the "stop sign hand" up it works. Then when you put it down, she can say what she wants.
Lol...it works.
I never give up my territory to my SD58. NEVER.....
As for Father's Day; it's my DH's day (it is also his BD this year), he can do as he pleases. My SD has never asked him to go to lunch or taken him out. I would like to have a break. She parks her a$$ in our home. I used to hostess them with cold drinks, BBQ, all the nice things; I haven't offered even a cold drink in 3 years. I just sit there with coffee cup in hand (contains margarita) and sip away. Amazing, they don't stay long. YES!!!!!
You're a lot braver than I am
You're a lot braver than I am Sammi.
My sister-in-law (DH's brother's new wife) noticed how SD was trying to exclude me and she put her arm around me to give me a hug.
I confided to this in-law once when we were alone, that she's lucky her step daughters are married and they live out of state, and the struggle I've been having with mine.
It's nice to have a friend
It's nice to have a friend that has the skid thing in common; just be careful of relatives, even though she is a SM also.
I love my SDIL dearly, she knows too from watching, but I am very careful to not talk about it, because SDIL and SD are friends on FB.
Just saying, be careful. Venting here on ST is a better way too. Your SIL will still notice without you saying.
Hang in there, it gets better with disengagement. Disengagement to me is just taking yourself away from the toxic person mentally and the rest will fall into place. Disengagement is different to everyone's situation.
Good Luck
Stand up for yourself, be true to yourself!
Thank you Sammi. I am pretty
Thank you Sammi.
I am pretty sure SD has been planting rumors on FB and I try not to think about that, it's out of my control. I don't have FB.
This SIL being new to the group, I feel an alliance with. She had terrible opposition when she entered the picture and one of her SD's refused to attend the wedding when she and her dad got married. She opened up to me how hurt she was about that once when visiting our home, it's then that I said, be glad that yours are married and live out of state because my SD has mini-wife syndrome. She wanted to know what that was, so I told her a brief definition of it.
ST is definitely the only place where it is safe to spill the whole ugliness of how I am treated. And it's anonymous so I feel safe. I've benefited from some of the advice on here, especially my first year as a newbie.
DH will never hear this either because he knows and admits SD has a problem, he just expects me to tolerate it.
Call me battled hardened, but I really don't trust anyone, even DH.
This past spring when my computer was broken, I borrowed his laptop and he accidentally left his e-mail open. I was shocked to see he was sharing all about a recent argument DH and I had, with his daughter. I felt totally betrayed by DH. I didn't open up his e-mails but I could read the first lines of them. The details of our worst marital argument in our 5 year marriage are now in the hands of my nemesis. He wanted her to validate his side of it. Since she's been the cause of most of our problems he was crazy to put her in the role of confidante.
I understand. Our DH's want
I understand.
Our DH's want this "everyone loves each other family". When they don't have our backs, because SD's are jealous, it is very frustrating. My DH has never had my back and never will, where his princess is concerned, so I take care of myself; SD no longer has the privilege of mistreating me; I stopped it with both DH and SD. My DH betrayed me also to SD. I came unglued, when I became aware of the actual facts. Even Law Enforcement became involved.
Now I am in control of my happiness and they have absolutely no say in my life. They have been told and know to let it alone. Since I have stood my ground, my DH is beginning to see how hateful his little Princess is; she shows her true colors often, because she hates me more every day for my silence and disengagement to her. She hates my independence and she knows if she steps out of line, I will show her the door; I won't ask permission of DH, nor do I care if DH follows her.
When you take control, however you feel necessary, you will see a great change. Not caring is the key. They know I don't care what they say or do; just don't ever let me get wind of any of it.
"DH will never hear this
"DH will never hear this either because he knows and admits SD has a problem, he just expects me to tolerate it."
Your DH likely would not have approved of SD being rude to another relative, a teacher, the mailman, a clerk at the store, but the SM is supposed to suck it up and take it for the team.
I think it embarrasses him,
I think it embarrasses him, her rudeness, but he is also so used to it that for him to stand up to it now would be so awkward for him.
He is afraid of his kids. :?
My OSD is married with 2 kids
My OSD is married with 2 kids and it's no different. She is very needy and needs to be the center of the universe.
I will wish him happy
I will wish him happy father's day. That's what I got for Mother's day.
business as usual!
(My kids did something separate for me, SO had nothing to do with it. They'll also likely do something for SO, but I'mnot saying a word to them about it. If they decide to do it, it's 100% on them.)
I do have a back up card and small gift, in case he gets sucky... then I'll give it to him at the end of the day, and remind him he's got nothing to be sucky about... because like he felt Mother's day wasn't for him to celebrate me, Father's day isn't for me to celebrate him.
It will set the precedent - either we both get to celebrate it, or neither of us do.
Likewise, I could sense my
Likewise, I could sense my own DH was jealous of all the fuss my kids do for me on Mother's Day. I had the most wonderful time on Mother's Day, a big blow out picnic in the park. Lots of food and fellowship. Best Mother's Day ever. We had mothers from three generations. The stepkids were not present of course, they have never expressed an interest in celebrating my birthday or mother's day with me.
At the end of the day, DH said to my kids, "see you Father's Day". (like he was expecting to have that same group of my relatives fussing over him).
Instead, he gets a sour puss SD to keep him company.
I love it! SD58 has plans
I love it! SD58 has plans all day today; texted DH and said "we probably won't be by until 8:00 p.m. for a few minutes on our way home (neighboring State).
Such a loving daughter.
P.S. SD58 texted DH at 9:00
P.S. SD58 texted DH at 9:00 p.m. last evening (FD and his BD) and said "we're running late and will go on home (neighboring State); won't be by tomorrow either, have to get home".
This is the woman that had a melt down, claiming I wouldn't share DH with her. Three years ago SD58 told DH she didn't feel comfortable visiting him and for me to leave him; on and on. Well DH stayed and now he is seeing that I have nothing to do with her actions. It has taken several years and DH says nothing, but he knows what's going on and SD shows her true colors more every day.
She didn't even come to the hospital 2 months ago to see him; he had a cardiac arrest and had to have surgery. She sent her DH (SIL) to check on him and then text her how DH was doing.
I've not been part of DH and SD's relationship now for almost 8 years, so guess SD is punishing DH for staying with me, after SD told him to divorce me 3 years ago.
This toxic woman doesn't have a clue what she wants, except me gone. Not happening. She is very close to another melt down, I can tell. I'm saying nothing and am so glad I disengaged eight years ago after 30+ years of tolerating her mistreatment. Now SD mistreats her Dad, because she can't gas light me.
It is mental abuse to her Dad. Karma visits her now and then and a permanent visit is just around the corner. I feel it in the air. It's their problem and I knew this was going to happen. But I still don't feel too sorry for DH; he raised this brat to be the bitch she is.
Thank you people here for making me strong enough to disengage and stay strong enough to keep up my disengagement.
It looks like Karma has
It looks like Karma has visited your DH too. It's times like these when our DHs start to see the truth as hard as it is to swallow. Looks like SD IS mistreating DH now that you have stepped out of the game. She may think shunning him will make him want to try harder to make sure she doesn't go away. After so much punishment DH may not be interested in the chase anymore. If she has another meltdown it might not work out as planned. Not too smart on SD's part.
SS19 bought SO present and
SS19 bought SO present and card from him and SS14. We have Baseball, of course, and SO is happy with that. I offered to give the boys money to take him out but he said he would want all of us to go and we really don't have time that day to go anywhere.
I usually just say Happy Fathers Day to all fathers I come across that day. I don't get him a card or anything like that since we do not have children together.
Yes, I wonder what they would
Yes, I wonder what they would talk about all day? A million boring stories about her dog, that sleeps most of the day?
I already warned him that he had better be keeping our married life private, since that's a targeted topic for her. Inquiring minds want to know.
If he said he wants nothing,
If he said he wants nothing, why get him a card and cook for him? You're doing the exact opposite of what he actually said he wanted.
I feel ya there! I wish my
I feel ya there! I wish my Mother a Happy Fathers day. She raised me and both my siblings without help or CS. My sperm donor only called me on HIS birthday :jawdrop: I am thankful that he was NOT in my life. We may have grown up poor but we were happy
On HIS bday?! What a (naughty
On HIS bday?! What a (naughty word here).
We're going to a 50th
We're going to a 50th birthday barbecue. No PigPen this weekend.
Last year, not one of the skids could be bothered to so much as text DH. Pffft.
SS32 called DH this morning.
SS32 called DH this morning. I asked DH if he was going to spend any time with him on Father's Day. DH said no, so obviously SS isn't going to do squat for him.
SS probably thinks that DH should do something for him since he's a babydaddy.
Wow, can we trade? I would
Wow, can we trade? I would give anything to have a detached skid instead of a hovering one.
My SD37 texts DH at 11 p.m. after we've already gone to bed. Numerous times. The last time, she texted at 11 p.m. it was to ask DH his size in shirt and pants. I finally got up and turned off his phone so it would stop pinging. She texts him at 7 a.m. and 11 p.m. to share stupid things.
What her dog is doing at the moment, like we are supposed to care about that?
It seems to intensify on Friday and Saturday nights. Probably because SD never has a date for the weekend.
This is the stepdaughter who
This is the stepdaughter who you feel is constantly copying you? With regards to the patio? I think it's a good idea that you are not together.
She is constantly trying to
She is constantly trying to compete.
A month ago she asked him to drive her home from the airport in the middle of the night. She lives 10 minutes from the airport, we live an hour away in the opposite direction. I suggested DH to tell her to take a cab. Instead, he drove 1 hour in the middle of the night to give her a ride and then one hour back. He got home at 2:30 a.m.
That is not a daughter that cares about his well-being.
I thought we would have peace when she was a thousand miles away on vacation, but no. Constant texts from the airport. "my luggage was overweight, my connecting flight delayed, I have a cold....." geez, you would think she was 7 years old away at camp, not 37.
It got so intrusive with the texting that DH is now asking me to return the phone. He doesn't want the obligation to respond to a daughter with a texting addiction.
What the heck? I usually just
What the heck? I usually just Uber it to the airport because I want DH to go do something else like go golfing! But at least your DH recognizes SD is on text overload.
Yes, that is what normal
Yes, that is what normal people do, right? They get a cab, not get someone out of bed in the middle of the night that lives an hour away.
And a senior citizen at that (DH is 62).
Can't wait to hear how the
Can't wait to hear how the Father's Day event turns out. Please let us know. It DOES appear, however, that your DH is getting weary with SD. It also appears he was looking forward to a Father's Day blow-out similar to your Mother's Day picnic. He probably wants to spend Father's Day with everyone but SD will demand one-on-one attention. It's going to get old quick.
Yes, call it reverse
Yes, call it reverse psychology, we'll see if it works.
The cell phone was a disaster, like I feared it would be. But on the plus side, I finally got to see what I suspected all along. Her deliberate attempts to cause problems in our marriage.
Next month our contract is ending and I'm getting rid of his cell phone and DH is going back to a landline. It's what he wants. She'll have to find another equally addicted 37 year old adolescent to text with.
Every holiday and vacation my
Every holiday and vacation my SD tries to stir up trouble. I can already feel the tension from DH rising as we approach this one.
The day before Valentines Day weekend, she texts DH and asks him to take her out to dinner on Valentine's Day Eve "just the two of them". :sick:
Excuse me, but isn't Valentine's Day dinners for your romantic partner? Does that sound like she's competing with me? DH flatly refused and insisted that I come along. She was furious that night and never spoke a word to me, not even an hello. I even gave her a Valentine's Day gift, which she ignored and never said thank you for. It was that weekend that started the downward spiral, and I stopped trying to be friendly to her, say hi or bye, because it is never reciprocated.
DH tells me I need to be the bigger person. Does he even get that she's an adult and responsible for the cold war?
On Easter weekend DH had a meltdown because of her. We had agreed ahead of time that we would spend Friday with DH's relatives and Sunday with my relatives.
She pries into what our plans are for Sunday, knowing full well that she is not invited to Sunday dinner because it's my relatives and laments to him in front of everyone how she has "no plans" for Easter Sunday. In front of everyone DH panics and tells me that she has no plans for the holiday. I'm sorry but aren't we spending this very day sitting right next to her, does she have to be included in my families event also? Instead of answering his pressure techniques, I turn around and leave for the restroom.
The whole weekend, he was furious with me that his baby was spending the day alone. I told DH "she doesn't want to come, she doesn't like my relatives". I'm sure she didn't want to mingle with my relatives, just wanted to steal his attention away from everyone else that day.
Well, this Father's Day, she can have him. At least it's more appropriate than a Valentine's Day dinner, just the two of them. :sick:
You are the bigger person by
You are the bigger person by not stooping to her level and behaving in the same manner that she is. So when DH says that, you respond "I am being the bigger person because I am not behaving in an exclusionary manner as she is". Your DH like so many of ours loves it when we SM's are willing to lay on the ground and play doormat alongside them. That's when their lives are the easiest.
I spent Easter Sunday driving across the country by myself. I survived.
Thank you!
Thank you!
OH Man.....I'm bursting at
OH Man.....I'm bursting at the seams, I want to say something but I know I can't because I don't want to upset my wonderful husband. We have SD for the weekend w SS joining on Sunday wth my inlaws for Father's Day Brunch. SD fawns all over mother ALL THE TIME - lives with her - she decided to divorce because she met someone online - whom she married when SD was one YEAR old.....to a man she never met before and was married four times - no children. Great judgement. Well, ten years later, she's decided she's sick of him and getting divorce number 2. Thats just a little background on who we are dealing with. So......back to my SD, who manages to buy her mom presents -
earrings, etc. flowers for her mother on Mother's 
Day. Plans for weeks. I just asked her what she got her father - nothing. Making him a card. What? I want to scream - these kids are the most ungrateful kids i've ever met - I could go on and on, but I am trying to be the adult here and have some kind of emotional intelligence - it just ticks me off that my amazing husband who is AN EXCELLENT father - gets pushed aside for a soon to be exstepfather (whom they buy gifts for his b-day and cakes, etc.) who still lives in the house, I might add...but they know we are ALWAYS here for them and we get treated like sloppy seconds. My SS never even called his dad for his bday - I take this stuff personally for my hubby because it hurts him. I am so ticked off right now, I can't concentrate on making dinner and just want to call my SD an ungrateful little jerk. Of course I won't in a million years but I am so sick of this crappy treatment!! GRRRRRRRR Figured I'd get my frustrations out here in a forum where I (pray) I will not be judged and understood. This SUX!!!!
I will be on day 2 of driving
I will be on day 2 of driving from my northern home state to my home in the south. It just worked out that way.
We don't live by any of the skids. DH doesn't care about holidays. I bought him a few things; he is not my children's father but I have always appreciated the positive male influence he has been on my children's lives. No clue what his own kids are doing, although they won't see him. Last year was the beginning point of OSD punishing him for not abandoning me, and he was sent something that was clearly a regift. But I am disengaged and probably will never know. Cards and anything mailed will probably be in his office by the time I get home, and I am not that interested.
"The day before Valentines
"The day before Valentines Day weekend, she texts DH and asks him to take her out to dinner on Valentine's Day Eve "just the two of them"." --- "DH tells me I need to be the bigger person." And "I might add...but they know we are ALWAYS here for them and we get treated like sloppy seconds." "I am trying to be the adult ---."
KaryaNi and Sacrificial, I'm having a hard time with this. Partly because I've been told the same thing in regards to an adult who is being totally obnoxious and abusive. DH could have convinced me of this at one time but after 6 1/2 years of disengagement I've gained a certain sense of clarity and it's just unacceptable. I guess DH's look at these adults who are often in their thirties or forties and still see a little kid. The problem with a lot of us is that we married their Father when they were adults. We never experienced the 'cuteness' or saw a miniature version of ourselves in them. We view them as adults and expect them to act as other adults who come into our lives.
I think it is just appalling that a grown woman would insist on going out with her Father for Valentine's Day, expect it to be just the two of them, leaving his wife at home. It's beyond absurd. As I wrote, it's been 6 1/2 years - if this scenario happened to me today, and I was told to be an 'adult', there would be consequences.
I have a neighbor who is old enough to be my Mother. She is always competing with me. Once, when I was planning on going out of town, she tried to make a date with my DH. It was inappropriate, just as your SD is being inappropriate. I let her know she was never to try that again.
I sincerely hope your DH clues her in as far as what her role in his life is.
Yes, he did as a matter of
Yes, he did as a matter of fact. After a long talk about his meddlesome daughter, he e-mailed her, telling her that she is not his mother, she is his daughter. And after that, she was so mad that she has started giving him the silent treatment. Well, the silent treatment didn't last long.
Just to clarify, she asked to go out on their 'alone date' for Valentine's Day Eve (Feb. 13). He already told her we had plans for Valentine's Day so she knew that wasn't an option so she asked for the night before. And, .........she asked to go to DH's favorite restaurant in his old hometown where he used to live with his first wife. Creepy because it wasn't near her or near us. Like she wanted to recreate what DH and her mother used to do and where they used to go. An attempt to bring back those old familiar feelings, no doubt.
Ya, that's creepy. Yuck!
Ya, that's creepy. Yuck!
SD needs to see a
SD needs to see a psychiatrist , she has some serious problems and unfortunately your DH isn't helping, I know he thinks he is, but he isn't. I like your plans for Fathers Day and think it's a good idea. Going forward it will be interesting to see how your husband handles the SD, clearly giving up his phone suggests he knows she has a problem, he just doesn't know how to deal with it.
BTW TwirlMS, I too married a widower and have an adult SD27, she too inserted herself into the mothers role and I was dealing with a miniwife, very difficult. I disengaged about 2 years ago, only wished I done that earlier.
Hi GL, Yes it has its own set
Hi GL,
Yes it has its own set of problems because in the step adult mind, their father never should have remarried out of respect for the first wife.
It's really sad what a guilt trip they lay on him for seeking out some happiness later in life after a life spent in hospitals with the first wife.
It's also very sad how much time and energy they spend trying to drag DH back into the past with them. It's not healthy for him.
I'm getting my hard working
I'm getting my hard working DH a massage. He's a great stepdaddy to my boys so he deserves it. Before I booked it I asked if he'd made any other plans, he said "No, maybe I'll call my sons and see if they want to come up and see the old man." Sad that he has to be the one to reach out to them on HIS day. I'd be happy to send him off w/his sons alone, just don't care to sit through their negativity and jealousy.
Enjoy your holiday, let DH and SD run off...who cares. Always make other plans when he and SD have to have their little date. Sometimes these men need that alone time w/their kids to see how they really are.
I told DH that this is a one
I told DH that this is a one time thing. I am not about to sit home alone for dinner and that what she needs is to start meeting people her own age that can maybe turn into a lifetime partner. Whenever her behavior gets over the top, I have to remind DH of what the real problem is. Her long, extended singleness.
just a bottle of wine and a
just a bottle of wine and a card. i used to get him nice shirts, belts and other gifts.
no more. all i got for mothers day this years was a bouquet of grocery flowers and a card. there was a time when dh would spend 150 dollars on me. so he gets the same consideration.
My gift was in the form of
My gift was in the form of putting together a big dinner so that he could enjoy his day with his side of the family. Not this year.
The last gift I got from him was grocery store flowers as an afterthought on Valentine's Day.
He had originally told me he was taking me to my favorite jewelry store after the dinner with SD the night before, but SD even ruined that for me.
After we finished dinner she suddenly had an emergency repair at her house. She had some convoluted story about how she needed her detached garage door hinged fixed immediately because there was a strange man seen in the neighborhood and she thinks he broke in. Enter rescue daddy mode. I sat in the car and waited and by the time he was finished, the store was closed. Instead he got me some flowers in some weird dark shade the next day. (sorry to have 6 months of frustrations to vent here and we got a little off topic of Father's Day)
This is one of the silliest
This is one of the silliest things I do....but learned along time ago, the sweetie sweet mess can run two ways, and I can play their game a little too.
I am the first one to text--- happy father's day to my husband, with love, love, mush, mush... (and, I am in the same house..lol),, because dadeeeee is about to get his onslaught of ego inflated texts by adults calling him daddeeee, who have their own bio father too; It is an insane situation and honestly that is why they turned out to be the rude, nasty people they are...a life of BS lies, and that is the one skill they have down--lying. Even their husbands say the whole family crazy. Nothing about daddeee and them-- is real; it is a little pretend world; if I were not in the picture this mess would end, it is a little sport to them, even though I have not seen them in a couple of years now.
My husband is their friend with financial benefits, that is all he is to them....and God forbid he has any other life. So, we live in our pretend worlds and sometimes it does become quite funny to watch.
Think I can get them to call me "mommeeeeee?" LOL, why not?
CANYOUHELP hang in there! I
CANYOUHELP hang in there!
I am giving DH the works today!
This day will pass and you can smile, because you were such a nice SM today.
}:)
Today I am optimistic. I
Today I am optimistic.
I had a wonderful day, in spite of SD antics.
We heard an inspirational sermon in the morning about perseverance.
I plan to stay married for the rest of my life, and so does DH. That may be disappointing news to the SD37, but as a good friend of mine put it:
"God is bigger than your step daughter".
I dropped DH off at SD's
I dropped DH off at SD's house at 1 p.m. and picked him back up at 9 p.m.
Even after an 8 hour visit, she felt the need to text him after 10 p.m. telling DH something that he forgot to do as far as moving some backyard fixture, and then a comment about what her dog did after he left. Sigh..... I am so looking forward to closing that door to our late night invasion of privacy.
So it was father's day, and
So it was father's day, and your DH was supposed to be moving something for her in her backyard? Of course.
She probably expected him to
She probably expected him to turn around and go back after an hour of driving home at 10 p.m. lol
Make him feel guilty, ruin his mood.......that's her method of operation.
Either that or blame me for picking him up too soon and dashing off. Excuse me, but it was getting dark and we still had a 1 hour drive back home.
Maybe she should have thought of that sooner??? DH never answered the text. I am glad to say, he has stopped answering her late night texts.
A week after fathers day and
A week after fathers day and I'm waiting for some fallout. I'm wondering if other SMs feel this way too. Like I am an unwilling participant in some weird game where I have to protect myself or get checkmated if I fail to move to the proper position. I'm tired of that feeling.
Her initial attempt to get him to drop everything and run back over there backfired on her. DH simply told her the next day that she should ask her brother (that lives 10 minutes away) to help her move it. She claims she did it herself, and hurt her back in the process.
I know the feeling. It
I know the feeling. It hasn't happened in a few years but if something really gets to DH's ego, I can feel the tension mount. He will start the old PA games. It's been 6 1/2 years since SD has been in my life. DH can see her just about whenever he wants but has not chosen to. Even though she had never sent a Father's Day or Birthday card to him, for some reason it just hit him after I disengaged and she started shunning him. He went to the mail box several times and came back with nothing. I didn't say anything until it filtered down to me and the games began. Then I let him know I would not put up with it. In the last few years it doesn't seem to bother him. We celebrate with the 'furry' kids.
It DOES seem as if he has disengaged from SD too. He made a comment a few years ago that he had seen SDs bad behavior - after decades of gas-lighting and denial. When it started happening to him it was somehow different. And it appears your DH is in the first stages of disengagement from SD. She wasn't too worried about HIM getting injured but she's trying to give him a guilt trip anyway. He MUST see this. In time it is going to get old. Sammi had some pretty good advice when her DH gets like this: ""I'm at the point if I'm tired of the drama with DH, I go out and get in the car and treat myself to a Starbuck's or a nice lunch. I usually call a friend and take them with me for a nice afternoon." Sounds like a good plan.
Hi Sandie, You're exactly
Hi Sandie,
You're exactly right. The SD37 has little to no concern for his well-being. She dumps on him on a regular basis, asks him to lift heavy furniture up the stairs even, middle of the night airport runs...... I thought that us moving out to farm country and being an hour away from her would make her go elsewhere for her inappropriate demands for attention. It maybe helped but she's still there and able to push his buttons.
Sometimes DH handles it, sometimes he doesn't. When he finally told her to back off, she's not his mother, he said she hadn't spoken to him since. I was hoping that would last, but there she is in my face again at the very next gathering, holding court with the 'look at me' behavior in a group and making sure to be the loudest, laughingest person in the room.
I can tell my DH is getting
I can tell my DH is getting irritated with OSD. I have not brought her up in a long time. She keeps not returning his calls or texts. She did not send him a fathers day card. She is in punishment mode because he finally started to defend me. DH mentioned a few days ago that no one has the right to tell him who he can and can't marry. Something is sinking in and I think it's his own thoughts.
I am just keeping my mouth shut. Their relationship is their issue. My young adult daughter is hiking from Canada to Mexico with friends, living her life. She's not a petulant middle aged princess looking at herself in the mirror upset that daddy is married.
That is well said, SL. I
That is well said, SL.
I hope my DH will grow more of a backbone and protect our marriage from outsiders. He needs to see that his own daughter IS an outsider to our marriage. And that just because she asks something, doesn't mean it's her business.
I also, have not asked him a single thing about how his 8 hour visit with SD went, where they went to dinner, or anything. I don't want to talk about her at all with DH. I want to remain totally uninvolved because just the mention of her name makes me cringe inside. I have never felt that way about a name before, but someone that deliberately tries to hurt me and my marriage is no friend, far from it.
Contrary to her suggestion, DH has not put a new password on his phone, and I think they both know that I am wise to them by now. Whenever she says something embarrassing, he deletes the previous record. But, he doesn't catch it in time because usually it's sitting right there on the desk and all I have to do is glance at it.
(edited by OP to remove an unkind comment). Holding my tongue about SD appearance and intelligence.
I know that my DH loves his
I know that my DH loves his son very much. But I don't think he gives one second's thought to "protecting our marriage from outsiders" I do think that he has enough common sense to realize that life with me is great while life with his pathetic crotch dropping is - well - not great.
DH and I are both retired. We have a great life with almost no problems at all. We travel, we have friends, we have two great homes. We actually like each other and just enjoy every day.
When DH lived with SS before we knew each other life was just one cluster eff after another. SS's girlfriend set fire to their home (accidentally) - but it was still a disaster. SS got arrested more than once for violence. SS finally got evicted by DH for domestic violence - SS tried to beat him up. SS is an alcoholic with violent rage issues.
So in reality it's a non-issue of me vs. SS. SS is a worthless POS (although I do not point that out to DH). I on the other hand am a valuable addition to his life. My DH is not stupid nor is he delusional. He knows on which side his bread is buttered. I give him a wonderful life. SS makes his life miserable. I win.
Your second paragraph sounds
Your second paragraph sounds really nice and very much describes us as well, and I am thankful for the good things in our lives.
Every now and then, though, when I feel the pressure of step parenthood, venting does seem to help.
In my case, even though DH would never want to reside with his grown daughter, he does seem to like the attention from both sides of the bread.
I guess that's the difference
I guess that's the difference between step daughters and sons.
The daughter does not let go just because her dad gets married, if anything she digs in deeper and sees it as a competition. It's very much the feeling of having "the other woman" waiting for me to mess up. She hovers and fusses over him, and she seems to get special enjoyment out of ruining our plans.
I don't have to deal with things such as your SS has put you through, but another kind of problem. I don't know which one is worse, but I can only see her involvement intensify the older we get and the longer she is single and has no one else to shower her attention on.