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SD Issues

Arty10's picture

I live with my wife of 1.5 years and her 18 year old daughter. I work a full time and a part time job about 60 hours a week. SD graduated high school a year ago and although she upgraded her school 1 day week has not got a job and has never actually held a job besides babysitting. The SD does babysit from time to time and looks after people's pets when they go away. I don't mean to sound like this is complaining but beside here laundry and keeping her room clean, she does very little around the house including picking up after herself (doing her dishes, putting the toaster away, etc.) My issue with her is her outbursts and disrespect. She disrepects her mom a lot in everyday conversation. Me not so much but when she does its way over the line.

Her mom had to go away for work and for a month and left me and the stepdaughter home alone. While she was gone the stepdaughter did little around the house including cleaning up after herself. I finally got sick of cleaning up after her and we played the waiting game with the dishes. Keep in mind she had not worked this whole time. I came home from work one day and I finally reached my breaking point. The dishes still being in the sink, I marched downstairs and in front of her friend told her I work 60 hours a week and she does nothing to contribute to household now get upstairs and do the dishes. She stomped upstairs and started to do the dishes. I came up and thanked her for doing them. She was cursing at my under breath for a few minutes and then she turned around and punched me hard in the shoulder twice while still cursing at me like I was her little brother or something. Stunned I did not know what to do or say.

Flash forward two months later...mom has returned from work and things are not too bad. SD still has her outbursts from time to time but nothing too bad. Then we have another episode were she stomps out and slams the door calling a me douchebag and other words I don't really remember what exactly. Me wife is there to witness this. After she leaves I tell her about the punching incident two months previous and that I feel like why I am putting up with this and at the specific moment wonder why I am here.

To her credit she confronts SD tells her that behavior is unacceptable. She then asks her about the punching incident. SD denies it happens...wtf?????

Sorry for long winded post. Any advice on how to proceed is appreciated.

SacrificialLamb's picture

You have a good first step. Your wife listened to you and confronted her DD. You wouldn't believe how many step parents are on this board where the bio parent has no problem with his or her child being physically or emotionally abusive to the step parent.

Step 1: DD needs to hear the next time she raises a hand to anyone, the police will be called.

I would sit down with your wife and calmly discuss her plans for SD launching. She is doing her no favors by not having expectations of her. A rule I had with my son, who needed more of a push than my daughter, was that he could live at home rent free if he were going to school full time. If he weren't going to school full time and wanted to stay home, he needed to pay rent. If he didn't like these options, it was time to move out and support himself. It worked, and he launched.

Your wife is likely afraid to confront this child. Let her know you are her partner and you want to support her in helping her child launch, rather than that you are upset with her DD....with boundaries. Any violence or screaming and she is out the door immediately.

sammigirl's picture

"Upgraded her school 1 day a week" ?? You lost me here. Is she furthering her education?

I would just sit her down, with Mother present and have a stern conversation on what the boundaries are in your house, as long as she is living under your roof. Keep asking her to do what is needed to be done. Tell your SD there will be no verbal or physical outbursts or you will take immediate action to have her removed from your home.

I would discuss this with DW first and then have a earnest sit down with your SD. Stick to your boundaries and tell SD you intend to have a peaceful environment in your home.

If she is going to school, she could at least get a part time job.

Things are going to continue on this path, unless you and DW set some boundaries and make the change.

Arty10's picture

Upgrading her school - She is retaking some HS courses even though she graduated. She thought she needed better marks and other courses to meet prerequisites for college/University. She is done now but did this one day a week while she was going.

sandye21's picture

This. She has such a problem with her temper. She got by with it once, you never know what she is going to do next. Good that your DW is supporting you. I agree in a constructive conversation with your wife as to how to implement an immediate launch.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

^^^^This^^^^ She literally assaulted you. I agree that it is time for her to go. What if she gets more violent next time?

Acratopotes's picture

1. the day she punched you was the day you had to go down to the police station and filed assault charges...

2. SD disrespecting you in your own home, fine cut her from the wifi and cable TV,

3. she still does not learn, easy tell your wife she has 3 months to deal with this or SD is out,

4. Next time your wife leaves the house for what ever reason for more then an hour, make sure SD is not at home, she can crash any other place, just not with you... what are you going to do if she says you sexually assaulted her?

Arty10's picture

Appreciate the comments all. I guess considering the events I knew deep down that all the above was the right answer and right course of action. However a lot easier said than done. I am pretty resentful for being put in this position of making these painfully emotional decisions because someone who is 18 years old and should know better's actions. I really don't want this to escalate to were it's an ultimatum to the SD that its deal with it or your out. I don't want to put my wife in that position of enforcing that choice if she has too because if that's the case I am pretty sure its me who will end up leaving. I am pretty sure most of you can relate.

CLove's picture

Welcome Arty, Im sorry you have this going on. As a hardworking person, it is galling to see someone loaf around pretty much all day, not contribute, not help, and eat your food, live in your house and THEN disrespect and physically assault you, then lie about it. I have been there as well. What I did was to disengage, and cut my SD off emotionally completely. I do not do her dishes, I consistently do not clean up after her and ALWAYS ask her as many times as it takes to "please change out your clothes in the washer/dryer", or "please do all your dishes", or most recently "please put your bathing stuff away right now".

Your SD18 has been enabled for a very long time, and has been allowed to disrespect those that have taken care of her, without repercussions. Since she is acting like a child, you must treat her like a child and set up a system of punishments for when she lashes out at you and Dear Wife. For example, if she yells at you, take something away (electronics, wifi, etc).

They lies are disturbing. It is essentially your word against hers. Did DW believe you, or take the SD's side and not believe you? What happened after all this?

My story is similar. You have to go back to my first Blog here on Steptalk, but the short version is that Winona SD18, got angry at me and lashed out, telling me that I am disgusting, that she hates me, that I am crazy, that I am going to hell, on and on, over and over again. Her father, SO listened to all of it. And didn't say anything. Then she went to her mothers house and told her mother that I was the one who said all those things.

After Winona SD18 was caught stealing at a JCPennys, her parents were fined $250, which her parents paid for, and no repercussions were ever given. She got into an argument after that whereby she punched her mothers boyfriend, Tweedle. Now she is saying that he is sexual predator. She lies all the time, twists everything people say, is lazy, mean, disrespectful. She has no job, and has been three weeks graduated high school, she has no drivers license, and she is not in school and she STILL never helps out with anything and we still have to struggle and battle to get her to clean her own room and do her own dishes.

IN fact, yesterday, I had to wake her up to put her stuff away so I could take a shower. She was disrespectful and finally did it after repeated requests. Then she had the nerve to say "every morning I have to wake up to complaints, every day its the same thing, over and over again, you guys are always complaining about something I did!!!"

Um. Yeah. So, and her had a talk after that. He told her that, if she wants to live with us, for free, then that is what she gets. He told her (finally) that we are always asking her to do the same things and that we shouldn't HAVE to ask at this point, she should just do it.

Of course she is also a victim type, and blames everyone else for her problems and issues:
"I am a child of divorce, poor me!!!!"
"I have no life, no one takes me ANYWHERE, poor me"
"CLove likes my sister more than me!!!"
"Dad-dee, you nevere give me any money!!!!"

Yeah. Welcome to our world, Arty. I typically do not like being in the house alone with Winona SD18, and would recommend that you not be alone with your SD, especially not for weeks or even days at a time. If she will lie about punching you, she will lie about more serious things and accuse you of things to get you booted out of your own home.

She needs to launch. Make a plan, and get her out!

Arty10's picture

To be honest I don't know if she believed me or not. I totally agree with you, disturbing is an accurate description to describe the denial. I have to say I was just as surprised with the denial as I was with the punch. And even more disappointed with the denial than I was with punch as an apology would have gone a long ways to heal. But the denial shows how much deeper of a problem there is. Totally frustrating. Until now lying would be really out of character for SD. I really don't know what happened. Although SD was always a feisty kid in high school, her behavior was 100% better then.

Btw I read a lot of your blog. You really have my sympathy. Your a strong lady. Hope your situation improves.

lala-land's picture

You and your DW are being abused financially, emotionally, verbally and physically. You deserve so much better than this and now that SD is 18 she needs to be held fully accountable for her behavior, and to be treated like the adult that she is, not the child she used to be. Your wife's chats don't seem to be working, so perhaps something more drastic is called for. I have lived with an abusive SD, so I understand your situation. If you and your DW do not deal with SD in a different manner, then nothing will change.

still learning's picture

You're putting yourself in jeopardy by living in this situation and allowing this young woman to be abusive to you. These situations can easily escalate and get skewed that sd18 was fending you off in self defense. Who would the cops believe, a young girl or the older stepfather who *attacked* her?

SD needs to launch now, she's an adult who doesn't want to live under parental rule anymore so she needs to go. She's a student so set her up in the dorms or a roommate situation. Her mother works so she can help pay her living costs.

Do you really want to risk having your life and reputation possibly ruined over a spoiled lazy SD? One of you has to go.

Arty10's picture

Well there you have it DW doesn't believe and believes SD. SD refuses to go to counselling. and insists she doesn't remember that happening. I won't "get over it".as DW says. I am really going to have a hard time staying somewhere where i am thought of as a liar.

sandye21's picture

Arty, So sorry to hear this. You should not stay in this environment. Several of the other posters have suggested that SD might do something in the future which could be disastrous for you physically, emotionally or legally. Please protect yourself.

Arty10's picture

I don't really know who I am more disappointed with my DW or SD. According to DW...SD emphatically denies it. Whether she is lying or actually chooses not to believe the truth who knows. All week I was waiting for SD to say I am sorry I lost control and that would have been enough. I am really angry this kid's 5 seconds of rage then subsequent immaturity to tell the truth or recognize reality wrecked my life.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Arty, you are absolutely looking at this from the wrong perspective if you think SD's actions and the aftermath "wrecked" your life.

Here's the perspective you SHOULD have: "I have finally realized the truth about my life and my relationship with my DW. She will always prioritize her daughter. Her daughter will always cause problems and will I will never have a healthy relationship with her - thus, I will never have a healthy relationship with my DW."

Look at this as a liberation, not a wreck. You now know the truth and you know what the future holds for you. You can decide to be free from this toxic cesspool you are in with the possibilities of hope and happiness in your future, or you can decide to remain as you are.

Arty10's picture

It's hard. The thought of that makes me sick to my stomach, makes me clench my teeth, and my back hurt. All I can say is my adult DS who does not live with us would rue the day he ever did something like this. However, to be fair he would own up to it if it ever happened.

lala-land's picture

Arty, your SD will fight to maintain the status quo which allows her to be a lazy, non contributing member of your household. When pushed to contribute she calls you names, curses at you and assaults you. She does all this with your DW permission, because as you state she treats her mother the same way and has done for years. Your DW is a very poor parent, if she has allowed this to go on. An apology from SD is not going to change this dynamic. You are now being abused, just like your DW, and you have some difficult choices to make. Someone has to go and it should be the 18 year old bully residing in your house, but I suspect your DW would not allow that. Personally, I would move into a separate residence and let DW sort this mess out. Wouldn't it be nice to come home to a clean, quiet non threatening home environment after a 60 hour work week, that is what a wrecked life could look like.

sammigirl's picture

Keep the lists and more lists of chores going for her. Give her tons of errands to do for the household. Make it uncomfortable for her to live at home, at her age.

Here and in life we see a good deal of this from young people her age. They want to be 18 and adults, but don't know how to handle the "real world", so they lash out and lay around.

Make it more difficult for her to lash out and lay around. Don't lower yourself to her mentality, because after all, she is the one struggling with "real life"; you already know what it's all about.

Every day, just add to her discomfort, by making her get off her butt and take care of herself and share the chores. You can do this in a civil manner and walk away from the nasty remarks and outbursts. After all you don't have to baby sit her, she's 18. Walk away and don't participate in her drama. Let her mother do the drama with her; you make a few rules and boundaries; do it in a "manner of fact" attitude, "this is the way we want it" etc. Then walk away. If it isn't accomplished, just ask and ask and ask until she's either doing it or gets tired of you asking and moves.

Actions speak louder than words (fighting and drama). You don't have to give ultimatums, just keep pushing; she will get the idea of, either she does it, or she gets her own life.

Arty10's picture

You know that would be a good strategy if she owned up to hitting me. The problem is because she is not taking responsibility for her actions and is denying the hit. She has created a massive rift between me and DW. In DW's own words SD looked me right in the eye and said "mom I did not hit him." DW says she is caught in the middle and has no choice but to believe her and even went as far as accusing me of lying about the whole situation. Although I think that was said in the heat of the argument she obviously is questioning it. I feel very betrayed by that. SD says she won't see counsellor and DW won't force because "she is at risk of losing her daughter." Sorry for ramble.

sammigirl's picture

I understand your feelings of hurt and betrayal. My DH and SD have created the exact situation. It went on for years, before I saw the light.

Now that I know and I have disengaged and walked away from SD, it has stopped. All it was doing was causing DH and I to fight and we almost divorced. I decided my SD58 was not going to win this war. I finally told DH "You believe her, I don't care. I know the truth and deep down you know the truth. With that said, I'm finished with her and I want her to stay away from me and have absolutely no contact with me. If I have to get a restraining order, I will do just that." My DH knows I mean it and I will do it. He has experienced my promises in the past. I do not discuss SD with DH and I have let it go, but only after I corrected the toxic behavior. I wouldn't be close to this SD without someone present from now on. I am never around SD alone; she lies and tells all kinds of falsehoods to make herself look good.

You need to correct this situation yourself. Call their bluff and if they walk, so be it; you don't need it anyway. I was prepared for my DH to leave me over SD58. We have been married 37 years and I didn't want a divorce, which he threatened. I told him "go ahead, if that's what you want, so be it". He decided he didn't want to lose his comfortable home and maid.

Our marriage is different, but better without SD around me.