Im new here, my first post, but I need to get this out. I WILL go read through others experiences and advice, but I am a crying mess and at my wits end. I just need an anonymous place to talk and not be judged and hopefully given some sound helpful advice. When I joined a few months back I was at a loss with how to handle my boyfriends daughter, no matter what parenting style we tried there was no change in her behavior. I was bringing my issues to work and it had to stop, so I went to a counselor instead, she helped me through that moment in time but apparently I am a true mess! quick background on me 1- my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 yrs, lived together for 7 and he has had custody of his girl for 6 yrs, she lives with us is now 13. 2- my bio 'kids' are 22 & 27 and on their own. 3-her bio mom is a useless piece of crap. Had SD drugged up since the age of 3, on any and everything the state assistance would give her, (psychotic, multi-disorder, add, etc) didnt interact with her daughter and pawned the raising of her on her grandma. We got custody of SD when police had to get involved because of a sexual situation from her brothers friend and the mother left her unattended (like normal).

Even though I know legally I am not a true Stepmom I do everything for her as if she is my own. We moved out of state 3 yrs ago, but prior to this lived not even 15min from her mom and not once did her mom come visit her or call her, regularly attend her birthdays, school performances, sports events, or anything. BF made sure he took SD to see her mom 2x a month, and the grandma always watched her. During the first few years of having SD I was the one who got her to and from school (sometimes driving 45min one way to keep her in the same school system when we moved to help her stay as stable as possible). I worked nights and he worked days so this worked for us. He was home with her most evenings before bed and a lot of her 'issues' got blamed on her not knowing any better, and our need to teach her things she never learned. She was kept back in 1st grade because her mother didn't get her up every morning in time to catch the bus and she missed too many days. SD craves her mothers love, we 'get' that. Through my counseling sessions and never having met her, my counselor thinks my SD has RAD. It explains lots of things, but Im not fully convinced. We have adjusted some of our discipline ways but they don't seem to work. SD is and has been very manipulative, lying, and sneaky.

Since we moved away her mother hasnt contacted us, sent her a birthday card or anything. The ONLY time we hear from her is if the grandma wants to see her. Now the grandmother is living with her other daughter and has major health issues, so not even capable of watching SD anymore, at all.

I have grown boys, so I am not new to this, however my kids had a fear of me yes they pushed buttons and tested boundaries but 'learned' eventually. THIS girl will not learn. She doesnt care if things get taken away, she doesnt care if everything gets thrown out, it doesnt phase her. She has no phone, no tv or radio in her room, no friends outside of school hours, no use of computer except when I am over her shoulder and its school related ONLY. Due to our work schedules, there are some weekends that she has to be home alone for about 5 hrs, not a big thing for 13yo. She has no manners, until we 'remind' her- shes 13 we shouldnt have to! She lies about everything, things she doesnt even have to lie about, she lies so well that I sometimes believe her, even though I know she did whatever it was shes lying about! Recently found out she has been going through our room. Going through my personal items, through her dads things, taking money, my makeup (which she has no reason to, as she is not allowed to wear it with us, let alone at school). Every morning before school we go through her pockets her bookbag because she sneaks the stupidest things out of the house. IF she asked, she could have/do most of the things she sneaks/lies about. She doesn't understand consequences. We are not the parents who say if you do xyz we'll do 123, and dont follow through, we DO follow through. Her dad gets extreme in fact, has taken everything away, that is not 'mandatory' etc. She knows she disappoints us, and she also loses privileges (going to movies, watching tv, going to the pool etc) Her dad basically works 2nd shift, so Ive been the one stuck doing homework with her the past 3 yrs since we've moved, getting her fed, showered & in bed. All of this I do because I love her father and her and want her to grow to be a successful person in the adult world.

My dilemma is that now that I have concrete PROOF that she has been stealing from ME and after asking her repeatedly she denies it and after her dad even came down on her she has no remorse, no fear, nothing. I will NOT let a child disrespect me in MY house and steal from ME, not and continue to care for them.

I am so lost as to how to go forward, I come home from work in the evenings and hate being here. I cant stand the sight of her. I am not a person to be mean though, and I feel that I am being a mean, immature person. But at the same time I do not care anymore! I am so torn on what to do. If I leave, he can not afford to take care of her alone and on top of that I think about the extra guilt she'll have on her shoulders knowing it was HER fault we broke up. THAT is not enough reason to stay together, but until I've exhausted ALL my possibilities I cant just leave. I dont think I can disengage at this point because I have been so involved in every aspect of her life, teacher conference, dr appts, shopping, sports, etc.

What do I do??? How do I continue on without resenting and hating her daily? Her dad knows how I feel I let him know that I dont know how much longer I can go on with her disrespecting me, being extremely lazy and self centered (BEYOND the 'typical' pre-teen/teen behavior). He understands, and loves me, but being a parent he of course loves her more as I would if the situation was reversed. If she cant/isnt/wont straighten up with BOTH of us there taking care of her, she surely wont with just him around. THAT is a lot on MY shoulders. I feel like a piece of crap for wanting OUT of this relationship because of her. I am totally at my wits end.

Thanks for letting me get this out. If you have any comments or help I'll take it, but please be gentle.
I'm already beating myself up enough.