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We fought all weekend

Laney's picture

Dh accused me of being immature and trying to ruin his kids trip. I am pissed that he was taking pictures with bm. By Saturday morning she had posted over 200 of their little family trip together. I told dh to tell her to take them down or report them to Facebook and he told me to grow up. He isn't going to do anything to hurt his relationship with his kid. His son now has his now has the 3 of them as a profile picture. Bm posted all the pics on her kids Instagram. From the looks of the pictures they had a ball and I am really jealous. They looked so happy.

Comments

FieryEscape's picture

If they wanted to play "Happy Vacationing Family " - then I guess they should not of , ummm, DIVORCED !!!

I'd be pissed off if my SO pulled that crap.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yep. Me too.

Of course, DH would rather have hot pokers driven into his eye sockets than spend one-on-one time with BM...and he would never hang out with her without me there...but this situation would really make me angry and jealous.

You're not being childish, Laney...you're having very normal human reactions to this scenario. Not saying your DH is or has done anything wrong...but the fact that he doesn't try to comfort you or appease you in any way at all...is just baffling to me. Sounds like he's a bit childish and an entitled prick to boot.

Seriously. He should have figured out a way to either include you in this trip or back out graciously when BM signed on. That would have sucked...but marital harmony is worth it.

FieryEscape's picture

Lmao - the basis of your comment is " They are parents and SHOULD be able to be happy when they are together parenting their kid"

How often in the blended universe do DIVORCED people parent their child together - especially on a vacation * snort * ? And usually if this does happen , the step parent(s) is ok with the situation.

It is important to show COD boundaries and not give them false hope the parents might get back together. Sounds like some boundaries were crossed. Plus the DH totally blew off his wife's feelings - even if she went a little overboard. I don't blame the OP one bit for feeling jealous. She was stuck at home taking care of their 2 year old while he had a grand old time with his " first family ".

Maxwell09's picture

Listen to what he is telling you. He's telling you right now that he doesn't care how you feel about this, he will allow BM to cross boundaries for the sake of making their child happy and you get no say in it. If you can't accept that then you need to start an exit strategy.

So So Step Mom's picture

YES! Listen to what he is telling. I agree completely with Maxwell09.

Perhaps you should go to counseling. One of the great things about counseling is that often one person, your DH in this case, will say aloud to the counselor many crucial things he will not articulate to his spouse. The second great thing about counseling is that the spouse, you in this case, can actually hear what the DH's words or actions have been saying all along.

Once you let yourself see and hear what his actions and words are saying you can decide what you want/need to do.

It is a sad day when we find that we've been trying to make chicken salad out of chicken $hit, but at least then we can decide if we really want to stay at the picnic.

Sometimes at counseling a person, your DH in this case, comes to understand that he's still trying to solve the problems of the first marriage when he needs instead to be working to build a strong second marriage. Then he can start making progress toward keeping the commitments he's made to you, and finding ways to be a good parent to his child now that he and the mom are no longer married.

Unless you want to be his counselor instead of his wife, I'd get a pro to do the counseling.

ESMOD's picture

So, what is the biggest hurt? That you missed having fun with him? That he put on a good act so no one realized he didn't like his EX.. for the sake of his son? That you see the pictures on social media?

Like other's have said. Get off social media. It's like a guy that goes to the doctor and says it hurts when he drops a hammer on his big toe. Doctor will tell him to stop dropping that hammer!

You missed a fun trip to Disney. Next time, go with him. Then SS would have a smiling picture of ALL of you for his FB.

You can't really blame your DH for putting on a good act for his son. He also can't control BM and where she posts pictures. Yes, BM may have ulterior motives.. but none of you can really control her. It's really unrealistic for us to expect our husbands to "put BM in her place" in things like this.

Boundaries that can be controlled are things like allowing her in your home or making her stick to the CO.

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree that she can't expect her DH to 'put BM in her place' but I think she CAN expect him to empathize with her situation and do everything he can to make her more at ease. Partners who aren't even willing to do that much really piss me off...after everything that SM's put up with you can't even give a little bit of understanding and sympathy?! Instead, you get angry, entitled, and defensive? REALLY?!

OP - time for some serious disengagement. They want to play happy family...you let them and take 3-5 huge steps back from your DH and his kid.

ESMOD's picture

I think if she had not pestered him about it and lost it on him so many times he might have not been so defensive

momof3smof2's picture

I can agree with this.

Before I met my husband, I dated a man for about a year who was incredibly jealous of my ex-husband. We had many scenarios just like this one. He hated when I'd talk to my kid's dad at one of the kid's events. He hated that I would inform their dad of a doctor's appointment. He actually tried to force his way into attending a doctor appointment for one of my kids because their dad was going to the appointment.

It was around that point that I lost all interest in being empathetic toward his jealousy and insecurity. It started with me saying "this is the way it is, if you don't like that, this isn't the right relationship for you, and we should move on". Then it turned into, "I'm done. See ya!"

Snowflake's picture

Your dh is telling you that your opinion doesn't matter. That he is okay with BMs games, that he is okay with hurting you. That he is okay with having two women fighting for his inconsiderate ass.

You as a person have to learn to respect yourself. This man is not being considerate of you and the family that you created. I never advise this, but the only way you will heal from this is to leave. Do it for yourself, your sanity, and your child.

TwoOfUs's picture

Um. It's not 'insane' or 'crazy' for a married woman to be upset when her husband goes on a multi-day, overnight trip with another woman...one he used to sleep with and has a child with. I think feeling, at the very least, slightly annoyed and insecure about the situation is entirely normal.

I hate when people say that just because it's a woman who's upset about something she must be 'crazy' or 'insanely insecure' (as if it's NOT partially her husband's responsibility to reassure her and make her feel secure...that actually is part of his role as her husband...just like it's her role for him. So, yes, her jealousy is his problem.)

ESMOD's picture

It was not a romantic getaway for just the two of them... it was a school trip.

Two parents both went on a school trip that their child was on to Disney. They spent time in each others company as a peripheral result. BM is a photo bomb person. She probably takes a ton of pics all the time and overshares on FB. It was probably not even premeditated or intended to bother anyone.

Laney spent the weekend and the run-up to the trip in full insecurity display mode. This was like her husband had her screaming at him every 5 minutes "Do I look fat????". Over and over. But, not only was it a display of insecurity, but there was also another undertone to her repetitive communications and that was "I think you will cheat on me". Add the "I'm jealous because you will have fun with out me" and when that message is on a never ending loop.. he got exasperated with her.

So.. any amount of empathy for her situation evaporated with the rapid fire texts, requests, and accusations. Basically, he wants to say FFS, I'm an adult, I am your husband and NOT going to cheat on you. I have told you all of this already, you just won't listen. Give me a break!

The fact that he didn't "ignore" his ex in the same way he told OP doesn't mean he was allowing his EX to cross boundaries. Frankly, he can't prevent her from posting pictures and he was focused on his kid. He didn't care whether EX was around or not.

twoviewpoints's picture

" I told dh to tell her to take them down or report them to Facebook and he told me to grow up. "

Why would BM take the photos down just because you demand she does? Report to facebook what? That your DH went on a field trip with his ex and their son and with Dad's permission is posting the photos online? Facebook must remove them because they look happy?

Removing the pictures doesn't make the whole thing go away and erase the fact they all went on a field trip, had fun, and looked happy doing it.

Knock it off about the photos. The pics will cease bothering you when you stop looking at them. You were told to get off facebook last week.

I'm actually surprised you didn't tell *us* that BM and DH posed together for happy couple pics so their son could take pics and have a few of just Mom and Dad. By the way, were these all close up selfie pics or did someone take all these happy family pics for them? Just seems strange that someone supposedly chaperoning a group of kids found so much time to step aside and focus on only the three of them.

Laney's picture

They had someone take pictures of them or there were pictures with each with ss. Like they took turns taking pictures with him and the other took the picture

twoviewpoints's picture

SO a very large share of the pics are either of Mom and son or Dad and son with a few tossed in of the three of them? Out of the over 200, how many of them are the three of them? I'm betting you know without having to re-look and count.

You also mentioned last week that the school was taking photos of the trip and posting photos. Are you demanding the school remove any pics with the three of them in it?

twoviewpoints's picture

Meh, I would have taken the little one and went with, but then I said that last week before the field trip started.

Demanding the pics disappear after the fact, seems a bit silly. The pics could have included shots of all of them.

twoviewpoints's picture

Since when is taking a photo at Disney breaking marriage vows?

But yeah, seems like the OP would have been better off physically going. She was a basket case within several hours of the bus pulling out. BM posted a pic of the guy sleeping. Sleeping. The man didn't even know it was being taken and OP started her meltdown. So yes, this particular woman (OP) is one who needs to physically be present. Three days melting down then all weekend fighting. Yep, should have just went too.

SugarSpice's picture

some husbands feel perfectly happy living a lie for the sake of the skids.

when skids mother kicked them out of the house when they turned 18 they landed at our house. bm did not give a penny to their upkeep and dh paid for their college and board. needless to say i paid for the food and utilities unappreciated.

well skids got a hold of the picture albums of skids as small children. bm did not take them with her when she left to marry her lover.

the skids now adults started looking at the photos and dreamed up some kind of fantasy about their parents and seeing me as the enemy or homewrecker that needed to be driven out. lol! i started dating dh three years after he divorced. in reality bm was the home wrecker because she cheated with a married ma who them divorced his wife to marry bm.

Laney's picture

I delted posts calling me another name. I posted on another post about sexual abuse by a mentally retarded (her words) person and someone didn't like what I had to say. So they are calling me lashy and trashy. I deleted them.

Laney's picture

How do I get passed the anger? I am so angry at bm and at dh to a lesser degree. I want to rip bms head off.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I would be pissed at my husband for misleading me about what "ignoring BM" means. I'd be pissed at him for trying to marginalize my feelings instead of working with me to come up with a game plan for when BM does this again. I'd be pissed he thinks using the excuse "for his son" is the be all end all to why I have to suck it up for something that makes me very uncomfortable.

BUT I wouldn't be pissed at BM because she's just a trashy, desperate ho.

It sounds like there are way bigger issues in this marriage than BM playing tricks (because that's to be expected) and those are things that need to be examined closely.

Hennypenny's picture

Stop looking. They are just pictures. Pictures of a proud mother and father, not a happy husband and wife.

Those pictures were in the past even as they were being taken. Let it go and focus on the here and now. How do you get past the anger? Stop being angry. That's all you need to do. Just stop.

yolo222's picture

Wait one freaking minute.. is this the guy that went on a trip with his ex? This would be grounds for divorce if it were me. Seriously your husband will never place you first. Your marriage will come to an end at some point. I would be my life on it. Your spouse comes first. Not your ex, and not your kids. The kids go along with whatever the couple decides. Why are they still pretending to be a happy family THEY MADE THE DECISION TO GET A DIVORCE, then your SO decided to bring a new spouse into that picture, yet he still acts like he is a family with his ex. This is a no brainer for me. I would not be able to live like that.

What are you going to do?

IslandGal's picture

Eff him. Divorce his ass and send him back to BM..its what he wants and he couldnt make it any clearer if he yelled it from the top of mt everest. If he truly loved you and wanted to stay with you, he'd be considerate of hurting you. He would shut that fb shit down fast.

Take your child and move on without him. He is not good for either of you. This douche is an utter cad and a gutless coward. Hes not worth spitting on.

Monchichi's picture

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I am not saying like the situation or your husbands actions but what you're doing is declaring war in your home.

Ninji's picture

As you can see from the different opinions from the ladies here, everyone has their own boundaries. We all expect and will accept different things from the people we love.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you, or if you will end your marriage over this.

Personally, I left my DH for 10 months a few years ago because of no boundaries with BM. He knows if he ever pulled any bull crap like this with me, I would have boxes ready for him to pack his shit when he got home. "It's for the kid(s)" only carries so much weight with me. Laughing it up and playing family with BM would be a deal breaker for me. And the reason it would be a deal breaker in my house is because of all the shit we have dealt with over the last 7yrs because BM is a horrible person and horrible mother to her children. If she was a decent person, my "hill to die on" would be different with regards to BM.

Again, only you can decide that.

Willow2010's picture

As usual, I am on the fence here.

As a SM … I would be crushed to see MY dh, taking a vacation with his ex-wife and their son. I would HATE the “family” pictures. BTDT too, but tried to swallow my distaste for it. (We were not married at the time.)

As a bio parent…I would not miss out on something like that with my child just because my ex was going.

Step family are just not natural.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I just went to universal studios for my daughter's 8th birthday. All four of my kids went. My ex husband and his wife went too. We didn't take one picture together. Not one. I didn't want to and he didn't want to and none of the kids asked us too. We don't fight or argue. We coparent all the time and I think we were both their for our kids without behaving as a married couple cause we are not.

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