HELP! Scared to Death Going to Get Saddled With SS21 For the Summer
Asking for your help on this pretty quickly as I am afraid there is a huge *$hit* storm about to go down at my house. As many of you have probably read from years past though I get along with my SS21 (for the last 9 months or so in very SMALL doses). I know he's nicer than usual because my husband no longer holds the purse strings.
I totally got sucked in on the beginning of what I fear is a *string bet* this afternoon. For those of you who don't play cards... that where you *feed* you opponent little pieces of information at a time to a) gauge how they are going to react to the whole story and to impose (purposefully or not) the whole froggy on the stove turn-things-up-1-degree-at-a-time until the frog doesn't realize its dead (or in this case, doesn't have a voice).
My DH called this afternoon to ask if the kid could stay at our house "for a couple nights this week" to look into jobs and at apartments. It wasn't 90 seconds before I got off the phone when I realized:
Oh $hit => The dorms packed up yesterday he must not have a place to live and...
Oh $hit => It appears he doesn't have a job yet either (school let out about 10 days ago and most of the good jobs are gone) and...
Oh $hit => 2 days will turn into 2 weeks and then 2 months and then I have a disruptive 21yo roommate for the summer if not longer
Lived with the kid for three years before college. No rules, no consequences, constant disrespect. I'm over that stuff at this point but I still don't want him living here. EVER. A weekend here and there is fine but that's IT.
I spoke with my husband a few minutes ago to ask what night this was going down. Of course it turns out he wants to come here tonight through Wednesday. I said "fine" but let's not lead anyone to believe this is going to be longer than that. My husband pitched a fit, said he "didn't want to 'start a fight' and 'had to go'.
Sounding like a pessimist (and perhaps a bitch, which is fine) but I'm certain this was calculated to move the kid back in here for the summer. The job that he's "looking at" is ten minutes away.
HELP!
Good lord, I hoped that
Good lord, I hoped that college would mean the end of the visitation. Based on your post, I see that I grossly misjudged.
I think your honesty with DH is refreshing!
I feel you. What to do - what
I feel you. What to do - what to do. Start making a list, that always helps me - a list of house rules, of expectations, etc. And then get the real story as soon as you can and start looking for jobs for the kid. Most jobs at the chains have you go online, so you can get a list of who is hiring rather quickly.
Six weeks ago I set him up
Six weeks ago I set him up with a gig with my firm (not my department, but did absolutely pull some strings). The wage was $30/hour. Who makes $30/h at 21yo without a college degree?
I told him the job was in very much demand and it would go fast. He waited six WEEKS and then called the guy back when it was pretty much a "done deal" he just had to not screw it up!
My contact at work told him it was gone. My husband (three weeks AFTER the six weeks) called my co-worker on kid's behalf. Job's STILL gone. SORRY.
So, I'm kinda over helping the kid look for a job. If he moves in I fear I will never be rid of him. Not a bad kid but I don't want a roommate. Especially since hubby works 12h/day and I work from home. What the heck am I going to do if he acts up?
oh yeah. I can see this
oh yeah. I can see this happening to us as well.
I would make a list of rules for adults who want to gain a room-mate.
Said new "roomie" would #1 sign a lease. This is a legal document. Then proceed with house rules.
(BTW: my exH and I did this with his in-laws when they lived with us for three months while they looked for housing)
Recently a very good friend of mine was not happy with her SS17. She found out that he decided to go "on call" at his workplace for three months prior to his leaving for college so he had time to "chill out." This means hang out and do nothing as we all know. And that also means, as she knows that dear old dad will pay more $ out of pocket to SS. Even SS's girlfriend is adding to her existing hours for the $. The issue? Dad will pay and dad will not make sure he does anything.
I told this to DH and he really truly didn't understand the issue. "Well, if he wants to relax he should." Me, "DH - this means he has LESS $ for COLLEGE." Oh, I was not happy with DH's statement.
a few months can seem like an
a few months can seem like an eternity even is the skid is to return to college.
make rules from the time the ss comes to your home. this will set the ground work for other times he is in your home.
Agree with all of you... two
Agree with all of you... two nights. That's IT. Then I am moving a dear friend and her sweet (but very loud) daughters 7 and 11 into the spare bedrooms. My shrink has made a BOAT LOAD of overtime this afternoon/evening. He, like lots of you, says "it takes two to fight". And, I don't really feel like fighting. Tonight or ever.
The answer is NO.
Now all I have to do is figure out what that looks like when Daddy won't say No. Thankfully, I don't have to travel this week because there may very well be a locksmith in my future.
Love you guys!
Good luck Pink. You have
Good luck Pink. You have every right to be happy in your home. Stick with the "No." Daddy can get over it or find an apartment for both of them
I remember when DH asked if
I remember when DH asked if ss32 could sleep on the couch for one night, which turned into on and off using our home as a flop pad for months. This was his schedule: Eat, sleep, do his laundry, play video games, smoke pot, party, come back.
When we finally got him out he told DH that he was a minimalist and wanted to store more of his crap here. There were already about 10 large boxes of his stuff in our teeny storage room. I told DH
and to tell the *Minimalist* to get his clutter out of our storage room.
So yes, one or two nights can turn into much much more.
Thanks! You all are keeping
Thanks! You all are keeping me sane.
Kid showed up half an hour before his Dad. (Which Dad told me wouldn't be the case). I had already blacked out the lights and locked all the doors. He texted when we was five minutes out. I waited a good ten, told him I was busy and would let him in when I had a chance. Then I waited another 15 and let him in. At that point I was finishing up an old-fashioned Hallmark shop puzzle. When I let him in I was polite, he looked confused. I told him I was REALLY busy and went back to my candlelit puzzle and glass of wine.
Daddy Dearest got home and offered to cook up dinner. Kid bitched about everything offered him. First time EVER Daddy didn't run back to the store to buy him something special because everything offered wasn't "organic". It's not like he was serving Mac and Cheese or Fried Chicken (we do a lot of our cooking on the weekend and admittedly my husband is the chef) then again as soon as dinner was done kid was gobbling up more than his fair share.
Then, and I like to pride myself on this I declared it "Bachelorette Night!". I can give or take the series. My husband tolerates it like I tolerate an entire season of the Red Box every year. And then I politely excused them as I took over the TV right after I politely requested that my husband refill my glass of wine.
Hey SS21... SURE you want to live here because the Bachelorette (and the Kardashians and Christly Knows Best and all the other shows that I can barely stand last ALL summer).
Giddyup, Boys!
I think at at certain point
I think at at certain point it's better to ask questions than to make statements... especially in situations in which statements have been made and disregarded by others.
At least by asking questions you can
A) Get a better idea of what is actually going to happen
B)Perhaps get the other person to hear himself talking and figure out that he's trying to con himself as well as you
C) Get the other person to think through the problem and take some responsibility for the solution
D) Find out that the other person doesn't have a clue, doesn't want to have clue, has already made up his mind not to get involved, and won't back you up if you try to do something
What are some questions you might ask of your DH? How about these to get the conversation rolling:
1) How long will SS be staying?
2) Is he going to live here as an adult, meaning sharing responsibility and respect for the other adults who live here?
3) Is he going to be self sufficient for things such as laundry, meal preparation, sharing costs?
4) What do you think, as SS's parent, is the best way to communicate the terms of his being here, so that we are all on the same page? (Try to get the BF to take primary responsibility for shaping the "rules" and also communicating them to the SS. Get yourself out of the zone of friction.)
I think the key to this sort of communication is to ask the question, then listen... don't talk . Men typically process things much more slowly than women. If you want your question to provoke a thoughtful response rather than defensiveness, give him time to think and reply. With my husband, this could take days... but patience pays off.
Good luck. If this fails, maybe take up golf and stay out of the house as much as possible till school starts... that's what the fellows do when things are tense at home.
Don't ask how long SS will be
Don't ask how long SS will be staying. It's opening the answer possibilities to well, endless.
Rather, tell him that when you'd discussed him staying there, it would be for a few days that week... that it's been a few days now, and that you might be able to handle one more day but that will be it, SS will need to go back to his own place.
It cuts down the possibilities to numbers 2-4.
IF DH throws a fit and says it's his son, home, blah blah... well then no, it's your shared home... not the kid's home... and as the kid is not a kid at all, but an adult, that he'll be expected to be treated like one - meaning, houserules... respect of space... don't take just because you feel entitled... if you wouldn't take from a roomate, don't take from me...
and give it a 30 day "lease".
Hi So So... generally I
Hi So So... generally I agree. Yesterday I asked the first question "How long will SS be staying" and the answer was 2 days. I can live with most anything for two days.
Then I woke up this morning and shortly after I attempted to start my work day my work space (my home) has been inhabited by this monster walking around whistling with not a care in the world around in his boxers emptying my refrigerator and doing his laundry.
Two days and that's it. Even his Dad was irritated with him in the last 14 hours.
More freaking
More freaking inconvenience... I just went to do laundry. Tuesday is my usual laundry day when I'm at home. Kid's wet clothes are in my dryer. So, I guess my choices are to dry them for him or lug them upstairs to the bedroom that he's staying in and dump them (wet) across his bed.
On one hand that sounds mean. On the other I kind of want him to get a taste of what it would be like to live here.
Just put them in the hamper
Just put them in the hamper and carry on with your own laundry.
If someone asks you (either him or DH) why you didn't do it for him, let them know you didn't realize you were expected to do it for him, since he's an adult.
Thanks, secret. That's what I
Thanks, secret. That's what I did. They should be a little more dry once my loads of laundry are done.
And now the drama
And now the drama continues... evidently the job I set up as been resurrected (certainly not by me). Hiring manager (my friend) pinged kid this morning. The rate has dropped by $5/h (still $25/h isn't shabby).
Kid text his Dad to say he was "hiking" and in "bad cell phone range" and would call the hiring manager back. He didn't leave here in hiking clothes but whatever. Then Dad called me to tell him that he "connected the two". At this point I'm totally kicking myself for hooking this thing up way-back-when.
SS just came home to ask me for advice before calling back. I know my co-worker likely went to a good deal of effort to bring this opportunity "back to life". SS's going in position in returning the guy's call is "well, I really want this other job (interview is supposedly tomorrow) but I'll get back to you".
Freaking amazing these kids these days. Or, at least this one. SMH.
Hi something... I always love
Hi something... I always love to hear from you as the guardian of reality. In all seriousness.
My friend at work has been well aware of the kid being a jerk for the last five years. He's pretty much my "work husband" (not in a creepy way at all)... our families know each other. I truly think he's trying to help. But, he knows what he's getting into.
I think the kid's going to turn it down because that would mean finding a new Pizza Queen to boink every night. If I know my friend he'll probably use it to tell DH that his coddled kid needs to Grow the Eff Up.
Frankly, I don't want to have any part of this... the only thing I worry about at this point is that kid and I have the same last name (and it's not like "Smith" or anything) and when he's a dick (and he will be) what's that reflection look like?
Happy Tuesday to me!
Too, true, something... One
Too, true, something... One more think that I thought about just now.
My work husband is VERY religious. VERY. Like Evangelical "talking-in-tongues" religious (NOT NOT NOT judging) but the majority of the kids he mentors (and lands these kind of jobs for) are from his church.
And, they all go "as a team" to church at least one night a week, never drink/smoke/have-premarital-sex... The newbie kids (like SS21) share apartments and/or hotel suites to save money for the company (they all have their own rooms so nothing weird).
... it will be fun watching from afar if he does take the gig. DOH!
Also,thank you for the compliments. I've tried really hard for a really long time and I'm just sick of getting peed on. The reason Shrub is here this week was because he has this "big interview" tomorrow morning. However, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that he has interview clothing with him. He and a friend just dropped their cars off at our place (he asked permission, WHAT?!?!?) and are staying at his friend's place to *respect my feelings* that I don't want him coming home in the middle of the night unannounced (I'm a very light sleeper and can never get back to sleep when he trolls in at 2AM).
So much for the BIG INTERVIEW. Some people are just assholes. I truly wonder if he lies to his Dad, too or if they both just lie to me.
Wondering what SS and fiend
Wondering what SS and fiend will be doing that they want to 'respect your feelings' and don't want to be coming home in the night.
I have a nephew who sounds a lot like your SS. Wanted to get his life together and all of the other B.S. I spent many days driving him around looking for a job. There was never a job he 'liked'. There was always some excuse, but the main one was that he could not pass a drug test. My mom and sister #2 'saved' him from me - I later found out I was being abusive because I expected him to get up before 3 in the afternoon and was giving him the classifieds. He lasted with my mother for a week before she told his parents to come and get him. That was in 2004. Today he is still unemployed - except for what he does with drugs. That is because his mother (sister #3) enabled him and ultimately crippled him as far as self-reliance and maturity.
The good thing is this is only temporary. You have set your boundary of two days and are sticking to it. Good for you.
Besides that, you and somethingwicked should write a book. LMAO!! Thanks!
Just checked... who was I
Just checked... who was I kidding... his entire wardrobe is in the back of his car.
Yes, ma'am... you are too
Yes, ma'am... you are too right. I'll be locking up the house before I go to bed tonight and the house alarm will be set and my wake-up alarm will go off at 5AM.
Internet service will be down in the morning and the hot water will turn off at 8AM.
I'll likely forego the phone call for now. Kid doesn't have a key (actually, neither does Dad). I can enforce that without the phone call and the fight.
I can be {your} best friend or worst enemy and there's not much in between. They are about to live that right about now.
Prepare the popcorn.
All I could think about while
All I could think about while reading this is that this is May. As the bio mom of a son who is almost ready to graduate college, I start asking what are you going to this summer around Feb/March every year. He knew the rules. So I take it DH didn't bother to do his due diligence. Hey, DH, it's a sure sign of a lack of responsibility that a 21 year old does not have plans for the summer at the end of May. But sure, I will sign up for this crap.
And the bad part of disengaging, not knowing his plans, is.....SURPRISE! Guess who's now coming to visit. But it's doubtful he is just visiting. There's no job in sight, and you don't get a paycheck on the first day.
It's common for college kids to move in with a parent during the summer, but how about some notice? And even though it's common, I would not do it for any kid who was disrespectful to the adults in the household. For example, my own daughter, going through a rough patch in the middle of college where she thought she knew everything. Was disrespectful enough that I cancelled the phone that she used to be disrespectful, and she was not allowed to live with us during that time period. She straightened up.
I just don't understand why this is blowing up now. DH really thought he could pacify you and at the last minute his kid needs a place to go? I thought most kids didn't go home at that age anyway, at least where I come from they didn't.
This whole thing would make me more pissed off at DH than anyone else, for his lack of planning, trying to hide things from you, and sneaking his son in at the last moment.
When we moved to our new state a few years ago, my son stayed with us over the summer . He had moved with us and was transferring to a school in our state to finish his degree. Since he moved with us, he did not have a job lined up ahead of time. Oh, but he worked. He stained our fence and dock, power washed everything, weeded everything (and everything is a weed here).
If it has to happen and SS stays there, then he needs rules and he needs a long list of projects that benefit the household. The second he is disrespectful, he is out of the house. And if DH thinks the lack of respect is no problem, he can go live with SS in an apartment for a short term rental over the summer.
But I would still have a hard time not fuming at DH for how this came about in the first place. So disrespectful.
Yes, something... dorm. Which
Yes, something... dorm. Which Dad was claiming was funded by his school loans. Except the bills come every month because Dad is a co-signer and kid hasn't paid once.
Bio Mom is in the picture to pay for overseas vacations. Don't get me started...
Yes. The Adult needs to find gainful employment and pay rent. BUT NOT HERE.
I think I found my secret weapon. I have a dear girl friend with two delightful little girls who enjoy pizza and Disney princess movies.
It appears that's a turn off for his friends.
Ooopsie!
And... he's OUT! I must say
And... he's OUT!
I must say I am rather pleased with myself. SS21 was over and out this morning. Not before leaving the guest room in a disaster and peeing on the toilet seat (Clever, I think that is some new SS "EFF you SM" code).
My friend and her little girls came over last night. When SS21 showed up at 10:30 last night (originally he was going to stay out the night as to not disturb me coming in late) but then they all showed up back here and wanted the leftovers from the pizza that I ordered for the girls. Then they learned there were little girls in the house watching Alice in Wonderland and changed their minds.
Fully expected the kid to leave all his $hit here and head off to his interview. He left NOTHING. I'm hoping hoping hoping that he realized it wouldn't be fun to live here.
SCORE! (At least for now)... thank you ST support system!
Hi something... finally some
Hi something... finally some relief!
It was just so freaking EASY! How most to make Step Shrub uncomfortable. It doesn't hurt that my dear friend and her darling girls are available any time that there is pizza for the kiddos and wine for Mom. (And love their company, too!) Even the littlest can manage to get her plates/glasses in the dishwasher (at just 7yo). Maybe she can teach SS something.
SS thought he was going to walk in with his "friends" for free pizza and beer but that's not right around little girls and Walt Disney, right? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
On the job interview the original story was job was "right near the house" (hence the reason he was staying here). Turns out the interview was 75m away in Boston. I asked him about it over breakfast this morning. He knew the name of the company but not the role that are seeking to fill, the job title, who he was interviewing with... NOTHING.
Granted, I'm a stalker before I am an interviewer or interviewee but shouldn't you know what the company DOES?
Then again, who cares. He's outta here! And, count down until the bar opens at 5.
ROTFL... Oh, you folks will
ROTFL... Oh, you folks will love this... Treasured SS21 went to his "sure thing" job interview today. They told him they WANT to hire him but they don't have a client contract right now that needs his skills.
Kid popped off that he needed to know RIGHT NOW because he has an opportunity at .
They said, "well, we'll try to get back to you by Monday but otherwise, you should take that other job".
LMFAO!
Mike drop. BAM!
"They told him they WANT to
"They told him they WANT to hire him but they don't have a client contract right now that needs his skills." Skills? Pink, you didn't mention anything about his skills.
FOR REAL!?!?! It's getting
FOR REAL!?!?! It's getting more and more entertaining around here. Pull up a stool y'all. Or start pooling your money to bail me out of jail.
DH is going to a ball game with the partners at work today. Great. Have fun. Face time and all that baloney. It's fine. I have to do that kind of stuff a lot, too.
Then I get the text a few minutes ago... " wanted me to let you know he's going to be with his Uncle the rest of the week" to which I responded "Thank you for letting me know but we had all agreed on M-W. He arrived M and left this morning with all his stuff. But again, thank you. Probably time he figures out what he's going to do/where he's going to live for the summer".
I get the passive/aggressive response "Of course".
I am going to need the support system of all support systems here, folks. He is trying to weasel the unemployed punk back into the house.
To your SS: Sorry, once you
To your SS: Sorry, once you blow off a $30.00 an hour job, my couch (or spare room or whatever) is no longer available. Good luck out there, since you think you can do better.
Great one-liner. I'm gonna
Great one-liner. I'm gonna use it.