hurts just a little
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for mothers day my ss10 made this cute butterfly for his mom and for me i gave me a crumbled up incomplete write up worksheet lol i still helped my ss buy a card for his mom and will help him send itnto her (he lives with us, bm not involved) but it still kinda stung that he didnt even finish mine and it was just crumpled up oh well!
I showed him and I don't
I showed him and I don't think he thinks it's a big deal.
I don't really want to talk to him about how it really made me feel because he is insensitive and it'll start an argument. He will defend his son.
Don't bring up ss or MD. Just
Don't bring up ss or MD. Just talk about your own feelings. "It would make me so happy if I could get some recognition for the xyz things I do here. Something tangible. He is too young to do this on his own, I know. I would just love if I got a handwritten note or one little flower or something sometime. I'm very fond of him and it would mean the world to me to have a little sign that he enjoys our time together."
Something like that. Men usually want to make you feel good but often have no idea how to go about it. The trick is to give them a road map without triggering their defense mechanisms.
are you a stepmom?
are you a stepmom?
SUEU2 FOR
SUEU2 FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!
EXACTLY! Think about it- you have chosen a life partner who is defensive and won't communicate, and is not interested in hearing your actual REAL thoughts.
Wow, what a life. Such a fairy tale. :sick:
WOW love this response.
WOW love this response. Everything about it is perfection. I could never, ever spend my life, or even part of it, with a man who cared so little about my feelings that he'd get defensive everytime I tried to bring them up. Your husband never has to agree 100% with everything you're feeling, but your feelings HAVE to be validated and he has to understand that they're happening for a reason, whether it's right or not, your feelings are valid.
That crumbled
That crumbled worksheet--Someday you'll cherish it! The only real present I got from either SK when they were young was a dog ornament for Christmas from my SD. This is one of about 3 things I ever got in reference to either one of them to make me think that I was even remotely in their lives. They are all in my memory box. I'm already well-versed enough to know that is probably all I'll ever get. It hurts, I love them, but they are not really part of my life any more.
HeavenLike, I'm going to take
HeavenLike, I'm going to take issue with you on that. Here is a recent definition of Mother's Day: "Mother's Day in the United States is annually held on the second Sunday of May. It celebrates motherhood and it is a time to appreciate mothers and mother figures. Many people give gifts, cards, flowers, candy, a meal in a restaurant or other treats to their mother and mother figures, including grandmothers, great-grandmothers, stepmothers, and foster mothers."
I agree there are bio-mothers and then there are mother figures. But, too many bio-mother's think that any woman other than themselves who even remotely shows affection for their child is some sort of interloper. It takes a village to raise a child.
And, I'm sure Hallmark would agree Mother's Day is a Holiday for mother and mother figures, including grandmothers, great-grandmothers, stepmothers, and foster mothers. Yes, there are specifically Step-mother day cards for Mother's Day. And, no, the above definition did not come from Hallmark.
NO, the definition is NOT
NO, the definition is NOT from Hallmark, and I clearly stated so in my last sentence.
What Anna Jarvis objected to was the commercialization of Mother's Day. She did not, to the best of my knowledge, object to any other woman other than a BM being honored on that Day.
A SM should be thought of as a gift to both the child and the mother. The child has someone else in his/her life looking out after 'em, and BM has a free babysitter.
Scream what you want. Here
Scream what you want. Here is the definition of Mother's Day: "Mother's Day in the United States is annually held on the second Sunday of May. It celebrates motherhood and it is a time to appreciate mothers and mother figures. Many people give gifts, cards, flowers, candy, a meal in a restaurant or other treats to their mother and mother figures, including grandmothers, great-grandmothers, stepmothers, and foster mothers."
I think a better idea would be if manipulative, controlling BMs just get over themselves. As a sociologist, if there is one thing I know, controlling mothers do a lot of damage to their OWN children.
That was in response to this
That was in response to this line: "Every stepmother will be happier with mother's day when she accepts that she is not the substitute mother at her house, when she understands that ALL THE CHILDCARE is the father's duty and responsibility, and that anything she does to help him is done in her capacity as his wife. To help him with his FATHER and PARENTING duties and responsibilities."
That line reads like it was written by a controlling BM, hook, line and sinker. It reads like SM's role is dad's (and BM's) servant.
Also, I get the feeling most SMs do not want to be a substitute mother. Most just want recognition for their efforts. What anyone else would want in a similar situation.
Ok, you have to know that
Ok, you have to know that your extreme vehemence over who is allowed to celebrate MD and why is, uh, curiouser and curiouser.
Over the years I've celebrated it for cousins, friends, sisters, gramma, mil. I have no children of my own but I have been recognized on MD by thenboyfriend/later exh, friends, sisters, cousins and my now dh. My church would give out flowers to every adult female in the room on MD, fully understanding some had no children.
It's lovely. We've all enjoyed it. It's a wonderful time to share with someone you appreciate them and admire them. Or to hear it from someone who is noticing you. This varied and mult-dimensional sharing of MD honors is not specific to my life, it is common practice to many.
That really bothers you so very much? Can you explain why?
i get tired of all this bio
i get tired of all this bio mother worship. just because a woman was an egg donor has nothing to do with how much she cares, loves, parents or nurtures her children. think about all the women who adopt children as their own.
many women are obsessed with pregnancy that they get expensive fertility treatments. tens of thousands of dollars when there are children in foster homes with no families.
then you see bio mother who ignore their own children, spend cs money on themselves and lovers. or bio mothers who are in prison while their children are made wards of the court.
bio motherhood is over rated.
Do you have bio children of
Do you have bio children of your own?
If not, how can you say something that you have never experienced is overrated?
having ones own children is
having ones own children is such a bad argument. i see all these bio moms looking down on mothers of adopted children or step moms.
showing appreciation to someone in the family especially the spouse of your father is etiquette. this is true when the child lives under your roof part of the time.
if the skids are grown and live in their own i certainly dont expect a note or gift.
"having ones own children is
"having ones own children is such a bad argument. i see all these bio moms looking down on mothers of adopted children or step moms."
What on earth are you talking about? I have never seen anyone look down on mothers who have adopted children. If anything those parents are praised for making such a selfless decision.
Ahem, I actually do know
Ahem, I actually do know someone who looks down on adopted mothers. It is DH's ex-.
What is the difference tho. between being an adopted mother and being a SM to someone who has truly lost their mother, young, and then dad remarried? Both are being mothers to a young child when no other mother is around or deceased? I agree, most in society would applaud the adopted mother. But, and this came as a shocker even to me, even SMs who may have been the only mother-figure a child has known, due to BM's death, seem to get a raw deal--almost as raw as if BM was still alive and BM and dad were just divorced. Interesting. . . .
Who is coming up with this stuff about SMs are doing stuff for the SKs to help dad, and dad ALONE needs to show appreciation vs. SKs? I find that, again, the SM is a servant mentality. Humans have the ability to show appreciation where appreciation is due, and yes, even young'ns. To expect appreciation to go through a second party (dad), while the one you are actually assisting (SK) is just sitting there lapping it up while you wait on him/her is asinine.
Actually, my tag line implies
Actually, my tag line implies the opposite. Most SMs go to their SK's wedding wanting nothing but the best for them and expecting to be treated like the spouse they are. After all, everyone else's spouse at these events is treated like a spouse. Why in God's name anyone, and I do mean anyone (BM, SKs, ministers, etc.) would ever dream in a million years that bio-mom is supposed to be hooked up with dad and paraded around like his spouse WITHOUT permission from either dad nor his wife, is beyond me. This really is like something out of A Handsmaid Tale, where BM still gets "screw" rights to DH even after the divorce and SM is supposed to settle for being the Handmaid.
Anyway, my tag is giving that warning to SMs everywhere--either go owning it or go to the spa. You cannot trust what anyone other than DH (and sometimes not even him) may have in for you at a "family "event.
"his really is like something
"his really is like something out of A Handsmaid Tale, where BM still gets "screw" rights to DH even after the divorce and SM is supposed to settle for being the Handmaid."
from the novel, the handmaids are really non people to be used. sounds like step mother to me.
honestly, there would be no step talk if step mothers were given the affection and respect of bms.
After reading a couple other
After reading a couple other postings of the OP, I am totally surprised she expected anything from this child. Not because she shouldn't be appreciated. Not because she is a stepmom. When she has a husband telling her she is a "stupid crazy bitch" where does anyone think the child's lack of respect and poor attitude towards OP comes :O
"What is the difference tho.
"What is the difference tho. between being an adopted mother and being a SM to someone who has truly lost their mother, young, and then dad remarried?"
I think the main difference is that the adopted mother is the child's mother. A stepmom is the child's father's wife. The step mother/stepchild relationship is a conditionally relationship based primarily on the husband/dad. If that relationship fails, then the ties between the stepmom and child will be severed. (in most cases).
The adopted mother and child are family for life.
Are you a step mom? Yes
Are you a step mom?
Yes absolutely, I expect at least a card or something to show love and appreciation for all thet I do.
I am helping my dh raise him. I treat him like he is my own. I think I deserve it just like all step moms do.
I think the point she was
I think the point she was trying to make is that everyone deserves recognition for their efforts and going out of their way to attend on anyone. I would even add that that should especially apply to those who help children and older adults.
Having said that, No, I don't expect a card from my SKs on Mother's Day. Nor do I expect it on my Birthday. But, what I do expect is recognition that I am married to their father and that I have done things for them. And, if someone is taking the approach that I'm supposed to do things for the SKs JUST for their father's sake, then the SKs had damned well be respecting me JUST for their father's sake.
DH and I have had ups and
DH and I have had ups and downs and major issues with SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) over 30+ years. So I disengaged totally from these two women, eight years ago, to save our marriage. It worked.
When I disengaged I expected OSS58 and YSS53 to also "take sides" with their sister; I would not expect any other treatment in my situation. After all it is their sister and family.
We have moved in the past six months away from SD56; she threw a big fit and has elevated the hate towards me for my disengagement.
Mother's Day this year, I received a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers from OSS58 and DIL, with the best card I've ever received; this card expressing their appreciation for everything that I have contributed to the family and everything that I do daily for their disabled Father. I also received a card from OSGS39 and his wife saying how much they loved me and I was the greatest grandma anyone could ask for.
THIS made everything I have contributed to this step-family worth it. Disengagement from SD and SGD was also the best thing I ever did. My OSS and OSGS and their families understand my disengagement without me speaking a word of it (which I never have). That explains to me I am not totally responsible for my reasons for disengagement.
Keep that crumpled up piece of paper and give your SS10 a big hug and thank him. I would frame it and hang it up, where he can see that you appreciate it. Your reward will be just around the corner and you don't even realize it.
It is part of growing and good parenting. Good for you to help him buy a card!
P.S. You don't have to engage emotionally or even physically to have a relationship with this boy. I have never engaged with my two grown SS's and I have always gotten along well with them. They show me respect, that is all I ask.
SD gave me mother's day gifts
SD gave me mother's day gifts but not her mother. She gave them to whomever she sees doing the job of "mom" regardless of biology. Her mom isn't in the picture much, though, aside from summer visitation.
If SDs mom WAS in the picture, I would expect her to give something to both of us. And if she didn't, I would be hurt... Why? Because although i'm not her biological mother, I still deserve recognition for treating her like my own.
I would probably expect my husband to sit down with his kid and explain that ALL parents deserve appreciation, and if he doesn't appreciate what you do, than you will stop doing it. That means NO money, time, or effort on your part - because that's what the kid is showing he expects if he doesn't give you recognition.
hurt? just a little? ss
hurt? just a little? ss goes through effort for his own mother and gives you trash?! and you helped the boy buy a card for his bm?
in time you will get tired of taking the high road on this.
the card for bm should be bought by the father. your husband should also have the son buy or make you a card for because you are his step mother. if you are around the boy enough to have the boy pick out a card for his own mother, you also deserve a card.
stop making nice. the resentment will build in time. ss is only 10 and you have many years ahead of you in this marriage. are you willing to be unappreciated for the rest of this boys life?
stop being content to take the back seat.