Gladiola25's picture

Why the constant battle?

For everyone out there that has actually had a partner choose to ignore BM drama and move on with their lives....

I can't understand why DH would choose to keep engaging whenever possible. Not only that, but thinking of retaliation techniques to get her back for whatever reason.

All that comes to mind is SD sitting there, and hearing this war going on between BM and DH over something so redundant. She's in the middle of this tug of war. Why bother engaging BM if you don't really have to? Why not just let something meaningless go? Why make a mountain out of a mole hill?

Lately I've been giving ZERO attention to this when he tells me stories of what went down, how BM did this and this and this and she's horrible and "I'm gonna get her back". Then he gets mad at me because I don't respond (aka I'm not on his side in this mess).

But WHY continue to engage your ex?? WHY continue to feel the need to fight with her?

Acratopotes's picture

in the 13 years together, SO

in the 13 years together, SO only engaged with BM twice.....

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

Gladiola25's picture

Twice? Wow. DH has engaged

Twice? Wow. DH has engaged more in one hour with BM.

glitzgirl1988's picture

I have to ask, what is DH??

I have to ask, what is DH??

sammigirl's picture

DH=darling husband See F.A.Q.

DH=darling husband

See F.A.Q. on the left hand menu bar for definitions.

tankh21's picture

My DH used to engage with BM

My DH used to engage with BM all the time and now he just ignores her. It takes some time for them to stop I guess. It took a year for my DH so stop engaging with her and realizing that there is no point in paying any attention to her. I used to think of ways to make BM's life miserable as well but after about 6 months I realized she is miserable already so what is the point. It does still bother me when she demands and talks down to my DH but, what really can he or I do about it but, ignore it. OP you are doing the right thing by not letting it bother you. I wish I was at that point but not yet.

Echo's picture

People continue to

People continue to participate in toxic 'relationships' for several reasons. 1) Because of their driving need to control the other person and 2)because they still have unfinished emotional business with the other person.

Were he truly over her and had no feelings for her, he wouldn't be so invested in talking to her and about her constantly. For those of us whose husbands have moved on, they've moved on BECAUSE they don't care about their ex anymore.

You probably should be asking yourself just why he's still so very attached to her. That would seriously bother me. In a BIG way because the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And your husband seems everything BUT indifferent towards his ex.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Gladiola25's picture

Every single time I ask why

Every single time I ask why he invests so much into arguing with her or trying to "screw her over", he claims it's for SD or because he needs to put BM in her place for not playing fair when it comes to SD. Sometimes he does it so he can demonstrate to SD that BM is wrong. Sometimes he does it because he believes BM is alienating SD from him. The biggest one is because he feels BM doesn't allow him to have an active say in what BM chooses for SD. He believes she's making all the choices one sided and his hands are tied. Therefore, constant fighting.

Personally, if this was the case, it would be much simpler and more effective to document everything he feels he's not getting his fair take on regarding parenting, and make a case for it.

Echo's picture

Making a parent look bad to a

Making a parent look bad to a child is never a good idea and he should be ashamed if that's what he's doing. Also, BM can only alienate his child from him if he allows it to happen. If he believes that his ex gets to make all the choices regarding this child, he needs to use the court system to address that because what he's doing is clearly not working. The Family Court will even out the playing field so that he CAN be involved. If he chooses not to take that path then he doesn't really WANT what he says he does. Sometimes these men will tell themselves that they still emotionally invested in their exs because of the kids when truth is something much different.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. He continues to bang his head here and...really...what positive effect has it had ? Nothing. He's only aggravating himself, aggravating his wife, causing damage to his marriage and seriously accomplishing absolutely nothing in the process. Insanity.

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

Gladiola25's picture

I agree. I've told him to

I agree. I've told him to present his case. He refuses. He said it will cost too much to hire the lawyer, go through the process, and he believes he will never win anyways. The courts are too biased. So all he can do is sit back and watch BM run the show.

sammigirl's picture

He needs to let it go! Get

He needs to let it go! Get on with his life!

glitzgirl1988's picture

Very good points. And you

Very good points. And you are right, because I am becoming indifferent to my husband lately with the Jerry Springer drama everyother weekend. Over 4 years it has actually gotten worse. I can pin that to the point in time where her support was scaled-back to what the court ordered ( he was overpaying inadvertently $60/wk. x 52 weeks x 12 years...yeah...so now she is out for blood. I agree too that they are each still trying to control or out-manuever each other. I have told him I cannot live with this nonsense on a regular basis.

I also agree with Gandhi on the hurt quote.

Thank you for insight. New to this forum and happy to see points of view and situations similar to mine...

Rags's picture

Codependency explains it too.

Codependency explains it too.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

somethingwicked's picture

You are spinning your wheels

You are spinning your wheels in this relationship and never going to get any traction and out of this rut he is happy to wallow because he enjoys the drama, the toxicity and still not over BM/Ex in some fashion. As long he attacks/engages her he is getting some kind of feed back from her and that excites and fulfills some weird need he possesses regarding her.

You are correct that it's not healthy for anyone.
And he's acting like the crazy parent where SD is concerned.

Any way you cut you are not a 100% respected and a full fledge partner in your marriage or relationship.
You're the sounding board and then convenient target when you don't agree with his rants.

He either gets therapy, counseling or you start making tracts to get out of that ditch he created for you and leave this tumultuous situation.
Save yourself.

sammigirl's picture

^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

somethingwicked's picture

I saw your emphatic this! ,

I saw your emphatic this! , sammigirl ,and had to see what ..

I know you would definitely get it coz you lived it. And you got your John Deere out and hitched it to a chain and pulled you up and out and told your DH "See ya, Pal. Wallow away with your Toxic Tribe. I'm sick of it."
That takes guts. And stamina. And courage but most of all it takes self respect and love ... that you love you enough to save you.

OP, I sure hope you can see that you are part of the problem and sick dynamic when you agree to this treatment .
YOU have to change it.
You can ,too.

Gladiola25's picture

This is what I'm doing.

This is what I'm doing. Becoming indifferent and focusing on what I need to do to move on. It has come to that.

Instead of getting flat out furious over certain things, I actually have the ability to sit back and watch the sh*tshow for what it is, and completely removing myself from it.

sammigirl's picture

30+ years I heard it all

30+ years I heard it all over, and over, and over, and over. If DH wasn't repeating it and saying what a B*@*@tch BM was and is, SD58 was and is saying it over, and over, and over. SD and DH were gossiping and feeding off each other.

I finally told DH to knock it off! When SD58 brought it up in the room, I changed the subject rather rudely or left the room. It is not brought up in my presence and has not been for the past 3 years.

One thing I learned thru it all over the years; SD and DH caused DH's divorce from BM; it wasn't all BM.

I think from reading your posts; your DH is working at getting even because he likes the drama; thus he is teaching his 12 year old daughter all the ways to play this stupid head game.

My SD58 was taught well from both DH and BM; thus she has passed it on down to two more generations. It's sick.

Don't let this go on, it doesn't get well.

Gladiola25's picture

Another thing he thinks he's

Another thing he thinks he's doing is teaching SD to stand up to BM. By putting BM in her place, he believes this will teach SD to do the same thing, therefore she will tell BM she would rather live with him.

He didn't correct SD when she was rude to BM one time. He said "she deserves it". I said to him, that's nice, are you going to have the same reaction when she does that to a teacher or someone besides BM?

Rags's picture

For the 16 years we lived

For the 16 years we lived under a CO the only interface my DW had with the SpermClan was regarding visitation travel arrangements or when Spermgrandhag would call to start her usual shit..... and a couple of whining calls from .the SpermIdiot.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags

CLove's picture

Sounds like you are in the

Sounds like you are in the middle of a toxic triangle.
It sounds like your DH is somehow still enmeshed.

Hope is a 4 letter word.