Battle of being a step parent
Feeling alone. Need to vent somewhere and hopefully I'm not alone in this battle.
There's a lot more details that lead up to this drama but not enough time to spill the beans. Up until about 2 months ago, step parenting didn't apply to our house. Our kids were our whether it involved blood or not....... Things have changed, I do not feel this way any more and it makes me sick.
Resent issue starts 2 weeks ago. (She's been living with me for 5 years)
Step daughter is 17 years old (just turned last month). Chores have always been a battle and I got fed up with it so it was easier for me to do them since it was making her so miserable and causing too many issues. She came home from school one day and I just sent her to her room, because I wasn't going to have her watch me bust my butt doing her chores. I saw that she was laying on her bed reading and enjoying herself while I was cleaning and I told her to sit there or go. (think she would be responsible and ask what time she had to be back). Boy was I wrong, she just left. Time passed and I figured she'd be home at dinner time, nope.... too much time passed I told her dad and of course he was pissed. He said she should have never left. She left her phone that she is never supposed to be without. I even went out looking for her, nope..... Let's add, this isn't the first time this has happened.
To make this shorter...... She was found hiding at the last school she went to (moved Sept 2016 which put her is a different district.) We do not like this school nor the people she hung out with so the move was a good thing.
So the police called us to let us know she was there and we needed to be there. They said she had scratches on her tights and said she wanted to hurt herself........ Before anyone wants to think I'm heartless, we've gone through this before and it was a disaster......... It all ended up being and big cry for attention...... I told my husband that she isn't the baby of the family anymore and she needs to grow up.
Anyways, At this point we were working with getting the kids on health insurance, but it was not finalized....... So she gets transported by ambulance, sits in the ER for a week because no one wants to take a minor with no insurance, finally gets placed and spends a week there as well...... So before anyone wants to say "poor girl".... let me add that almost every nurse and other personnel says this was a waste of everyone's time and money. They said she may be sad but that's about it. So basically she went through all this crap because she didn't want to come home and be grounded or be home-schooled. Home school came in the picture awhile ago, because we told her if she didn't get certain grades or if she messed up (like running away) then home school was her last option. Deal she had agreed to...........
So after all that crap, she finally comes back (she's been back for 3 days now). We get her a job and she has chosen GED rather than home school. The last 3 days have been hell. Husband and I were talking about rules and guidelines that needed to be in place before she came back, but they never were completed.
She's supposed to pay 1/4 of bills that involve her and other things. We talked about her wasting electricity by staying up past midnight..... I told him what is the point of having her pay anything when our portion is going to raise higher then without her paying?
Next is internet, we had talked about her paying internet so she could complete online schooling..... she's choosing GED.... so that means no internet, correct? That's what I was thinking...... So he just logs her computer to our Wi-Fi at 10pm.... bull..... that's ridiculous, what teen needs to be using the internet at 10 pm? So I'm the bad guy because I changed the password.
So now husband says he is putting her in JobCorp because of me and makes me feel like crap, because he says he is giving up on his kid. I think that's bull.
I've tried talking to him and venting with him but he ends up turning it around and making him the victim. No one is a victim in this household. We are seeing one-sided right now and it's not helping. I just want to leave. He says she hates him to but he is seeing her change........ again... BULL......
He has always treated her as a little princess and she is never going to grow up. Not sure if I can take anymore of this crap. I love my husband but I want to leave as well.
We have our 4 year old son together and he does not deserve to see any of this. Granted most of this stuff happens when he is asleep, I keep as much as possible away from him.
I'm a stay at home working mom so I have no friends that I can express any of this with, so here I am asking for some communication. I know I can be very strict, I grew up that way. There are some bad things about me that I need to fix, but not talking to anyone doesn't help anything.
There are a lot of details I've left out..... This carried on way too long. I'll be surprised if anyone wants to read all of this.
Negative comments are not needed.... I put myself through enough and don't need anymore. Not saying anyone can't have their own opinion..... Saying there is no need to call me names or say how horrible I am when I'm going through all that on my own, feeling like a failure.
Surprisingly, I am normally a very positive person. Her negative energy is just too much to fight when I'm trying to fight with myself at the same time. I feel like I'm suffocating.
Hoping I have someone that I can chat with in here.
FYI, I have a 4 year old and work from home, so my time is slim. But I will be checking to see if anyone wants to talk. Please don't think, I've just abandoned this if I don't answer for a little while.
So your SD dropped out of
So your SD dropped out of High School? Where is BM?
SD was dis-enrolled because
SD was dis-enrolled because if we kept her in they would've made her repeat her current grade level. They counted family vacation against her. She was aware of this as well.
BM wants is a waste to talk about. Never has been there for SD, just me.
So when SD turns 18 she is
So when SD turns 18 she is considered an adult and will have a rude awakening when she realizes that she has to grow up. You and your DH should encourage her to get her GED if she doesn't then she needs to get a job and start paying you some rent and helping out around the house. She is old enough now that she can help out around the house but, I would say right now her main focus should be getting her GED so she can get a job. My DH and I have already talked about what is going to happen if the skids move in with us and they are 18. As soon as 2026 rolls around my DH no longer has to pay CS to the man eating demon. My skids are self entitled little snowflakes now because my DH let BM parent them and they are set in their ways thinking the world revolves around them which is what sounds like your SD is like as well? I would sit down and talk to your DH and come up with a positive plan to get your SD back on track.
Well, it sounds like yet
Well, it sounds like yet another example of Entitlement Parenting. I always tell my SO that he is Enabling his children to the point of disabling them. They cant hack it in the real world. My SO even told his eldest child, who is 18, that she is basically unemployable. She has never held a real job, her one job was good for a month, at 1 day per week, and she was fired on her day off.
She basically is pretty useless. My SD18 whom I call Winona, she cannot clean, her room is a pigsty. All she does to help us out is clean of the dog poo. She doesn't have any chores, to do, all she does is sit in her room, and when she eats, she eats in her room and hoards dishes. Other than that she either demands that we take her with us, because she is bored (no friends, no boyfriend, no job, no activity). Then when we say "its date night, no kids allowed", she gets angry. She is constantly creating drama. It must be exhausting for you with your situation (and expensive!).
What is with these kids that feel like they don't need to help out or contribute anything at all, just simply exist? I tell you I am so sick of it.
Holy WOW...... I would lose
Holy WOW...... I would lose my mind completely with Winona....... I would pull everything (I mean everything)out of her room and make her sit in an empty room for a day and everyday she can have something back...... When she got quite a few things back, she wouldn't get anything else unless she keeps everything organized and clean. LOL that's my thought process at this point. The bitterness has taken over a tad bit.
Eating in the bedroom definitely doesn't happen here.
She is looking at getting her
She is looking at getting her GED. She chooses that rather then home schooling. Her friends are everything in the world to her (she could meet someone on the street for 2 minutes and they are her best friend already).
We've tried to tell her these "friends" will more than likely move on after high school, she needs to turn to family more then friends. Friends come and go, family is forever. But she still chooses friends.
BM doesn't pay child Support, but DH pays child support to a different BM and never gets contact with daughter. (that's a different mess).
Husband and I have tried to talk, it always ends up that I'm too hard and mean. I keep telling him if he keeps being too soft she will never move out..... or if she does then she will fall hard.
She needs to realize life is not as easy. She had great goals that went to crap, can't figure out why because she has completely shut me out and tells everyone crappy stuff about me..... Like I'm the horrible evil step mother who doesn't care.
Guess she is getting what she wished for, because that's what I feel like I'm turning into now. I don't feel like I can pull myself out of this hole right now. It just sucks that my husband just keeps saying "let it go, it's over", when in fact it is not over for me and I'm still struggling.
Oh hell no I would not
Oh hell no I would not tolerate a disrespectful teen in my house. If you live in my house then you will live under my rules. Please do not let your DH tell you that you are too mean or too hard your SD. That girl to get her butt kicked back into gear. So your DH is unwilling to listen to anything that you have to say?
Yes he used to listen, but
Yes he used to listen, but it's come to the point that he turns and points the finger at me saying I don't listen to him. I won't listen to him if it involves him giving into her bull. He says she's changing and she trying..... really it's been 3 days. Wish life was that easy.
Yeah I know. My YSS orders
Yeah I know. My YSS orders food and then doesn't want to eat it when we go out to eat and I ask DH why do you let him order food that he is going to waste? So we took the food to go and then DH ended up eating it the next day for lunch. Then he has the nerve to ask DH if he will take him to go get ice cream. DH immediately said no which was good but, it is not my SS's fault he is the way he is it is BM's and my DH's fault. He needs guidance and structure.
You don't think that OP
You don't think that OP should talk to her DH and then disengage if that doesn't work. I wouldn't want a 17 year skid in my house thinking that she can do whatever she wants while I pay bills.
That's exactly how I feel.
That's exactly how I feel. It's so hard to disengage. I try so hard during the day when she isn't here to talk myself into saying happy, but when that time comes that I know she is about to walk through the door, it starts all over again. I've told my husband this as well, but again he says that I need to just stop thinking about it...... really?! Like I haven't tried that. It just hurts so much and the only way I show anything is shutting down and shutting up until it gets too much and my big mouth opens.
I never put my parents through this. I have a stepdad and with all the crap he put me through I still never did this.
The only thing that makes me happy is holding my son and having him around, he makes all this go away. But I can't keep him up when the worse goes on. He makes it easier for me to pretend I'm okay.
Guidance and structure is
Guidance and structure is correct, But when the stepparent steps in, it's all mean and horrible. Why do we have to be the bad guys. If anything they should listen to us because we see what is happening in a different way then they do. I just think the battle is too much. I have my 4 year old to worry about. He will definitely grow up with structure, goals, manors, respect..... everything DH's kids lack. His oldest just had baby #2, she went down a rocky road but she is getting back on track with kids. It's sad that she had to go down this road, but considering everything, she is actually doing pretty good. I just don't understand why the other kids have to follow this. Oldest daughter is trying to help and talking to SD but it doesn't seem to matter either.
Teens these days are just not the same anymore, I'm terrified for my son and want to put him in a bubble to protect him.
Everything is easier said
Everything is easier said then done. We all know that. If I was your DH when SD turns 18 I would pack her bags and send her on her way if she can't follow simple rules and contribute something to the household.
At this point I'm counting
At this point I'm counting down the days...... It just can't come fast enough. She just turned 17 last month.
I found a letter she wrote to a guy saying how much she loved him and wanted his kids and how she could see them with grand-kids, it was a mess to read. I told my husband, if she is that hardcore for love and happiness then why can't she leave us be. She always has to cause issues. Yes, some issues are mine because I react to quickly when my blood boils, but still.
She's got it way easier then I did when I was her age..... But I wasn't doing all of this crap either. I had chores and responsibilities. I found my own college and apartment (all without a job). I figured everything out and was independent by the time I left my parents' home.
This is all way to much to handle, process, and try to understand. Respect was very big in my household growing up and not so hardcore in my husband's. So he doesn't help in that area so much. When SD back talks him, I have to walk away because I want to smack her in the back of her head. When I've spoken up about it, he just says it's fine, it doesn't bother him. It annoys me so much.
I wish every teen (today) should be required to go through boot camp (or something like that) during the summer before they turn 16. LOL I can keep wishing.
Talk to her dad and both of
Talk to her dad and both of you come up with a plan to give "tough love."
"You chose a GED over a diploma, so now you're ready to greet the world. Here are the rules, Tootsie: These are your assigned chores. If you lived HERE or ON YOUR OWN, you'd have to do all of these. This isn't about us making you our live-in maid, but it is 100% about getting you prepared to live on your own, which will be happening VERY soon. So the sooner you get with the program, the better you'll be prepared."
And then you sit her down and go over it with her. I did that with my son, and he couldn't handle it, so he ran back to his permissive-parenting mama... I helped him prep for his driving test to get a license, and gave him till June to get his license. I have a car waiting for him. All he needs to do is get his license - but his mama is stonewalling (I guess?) out of some odd psychological phenomenon where mothers don't want their babies to move away because they don't want to be lonely. It's beyond bizarre, but the (now adult) kids seem to want to live there forever.
I've been giving my son tough love WITH support and encouragement, but I'm not moving the date. Come June, that car will be outta my driveway; it's up to him if it's his or not. Something tells me it won't be his because every time I bring up the subject, he goes quiet...
As for the car situation.....
As for the car situation..... Definitely hold to it. We did that with SS and we ended up getting rid of it. He chose a different path in life and 18 now so he is doing his own thing and it doesn't affect us anymore.
What is with this generation of teens..... they want want want but do not want to lift a finger.
"What is with this generation
"What is with this generation of teens..... they want want want but do not want to lift a finger."
They are a product of our own permissiveness. Many of us thought we'd let our kids learn some responsibility by giving them RAZR phones or iPhones or whatever was the trend of the month, and those devices enabled them to adopt a virtual (read: UNREALISTIC) life. Once faced with reality, they crawl back into their imaginary shells. It's our fault for allowing it; it's our fault for caving to the peer pressure of "All the kids are doing it these days. These are the wave of the future, and to cope in the new world, they need to know how to use these things." I remember hearing that mantra weekly, even thinking it myself... next thing I knew, instant gratification took over. What I'd tell myself if I could go back in time:
"Seriously? You think these kids will struggle with figuring out how to use a cell phone when they turn 20? They can wait till they have a job. FFS, you won't let a kid play with your tools in the garage because that $20 wrench might get lost, but you'll let them fiddle with your $500 phone - and then, to appease them when they go Level Ten Pouty when you need your phone back, you buy them their own $500 phone with a 2-year contract? And when Java_Jr breaks his phone, he'll DEMAND a NEW one, and your wife will use YOUR 'free upgrade' to get him a new one, while you'll have to wait another year? So, the responsible dude gets the shaft, while the irresponsible kid learns to remain irresponsible because mommy and daddy will always wave the magic-money-wand over whatever problem crops up? Are you SURE you want to live that way? 'Cause, TRUST me... that's how it's going to go if you don't shut that junk down right here and now. And cellphones will be just the tip of the iceberg... And guess what? You'll join the other parents all around you, condemning the allure of the cellphone or whatever - but you need to know right now, YOU will own this, in spite of all your denials."
I'd be able to shame myself out of letting the kids have phones and internet access with that chat. I see, too, that I'll be the grumpy grandpa one day - and I promise you, I learned my lesson and know, this isn't right.
[/soapbox]
She had chores (before all
She had chores (before all this unneeded drama) and completely sucked at it, that's why I took over the areas I have to look at. She does have to wash the dishes she uses and she has to prepare her own food. We gave her money (which she will be paying back) to get food until she gets paid. She is supposed to clean her room and clean the bathroom she shares with my 4 year old son. (She's the messier of the 2). I moved all of her crap out and into a carrying case so she has to transport it back and forth....... Kind of like if you were living in a dorm room.
Her BM is a complete waste of space.... no license, no job, keeps popping kids out, will forever be on state help because she does nothing to help the fact. She has nothing to do with SD but yet SD seems to have it in her blood to be just like BM.
After 5 years of (what feels like a waste of my time and energy), it seems like she is not comprehending anything I've taught her. It's like the BM DNA is just too overpowering.
SD is book smart (when she applies herself) but completely lacks it with true life stuff.
I've had plenty of sit down talks with her, I'm not sure I have another one in me right now. Every time it seems to improve a tad bit and then back tracks 10 steps and back at square 1. It's too tiring, and unnecessary.
I hate all this negativity, Talking about all it helps, but I still feel it. I'm drained, emotionally and physically.
OP you wrote; Husband and I
OP you wrote;
Husband and I have tried to talk, it always ends up that I'm too hard and mean. I keep telling him if he keeps being too soft she will never move out..... or if she does then she will fall hard.
I do HOPE things work out for you OP..
In closing, several years ago I heard a segment on Dr. Laura. Similar to yours. Parents SOoooooo upset that if they booted out moocher son, he would be homeless and if gosh forbid they cut him off monetarily , my goodness he will really be in the street.
Dr. Laura said HE will be homeless by his own doing not yours. You gave him Social Services to assist with housing, food stamps and possible work.
I agree, She's choosing her
I agree, She's choosing her path.... the outcome is all up to her. One year from now she will be on her own and hopefully that will open her eyes.... Although more than likely she will love off people and tell them more horrible stories along the lines of us abandoning her or whatever tale she wants to give.
Thank you. Good luck with the
Thank you.
Good luck with the SS16, I'm done after this one. We will only have our 4yr old left. I'm thankful he is young enough that he doesn't quite understand what is going on yet. He realizes his sister isn't around as much. She was good to him most of the time. But I don't want her around him anymore because she toxic and he doesn't need the influence. She will be out of the house before he can really comprehend what is going on. She left him too when she left the house, she chose to break that connection. Now it's my turn to protect my baby.
"Dr. Laura said HE will be
"Dr. Laura said HE will be homeless by his own doing not yours. You gave him Social Services to assist with housing, food stamps and possible work."
Reminds me... my sweetie told me something about her younger days, when a (male) friend of hers from her HS band and a buddy or two got their first apartment together. These guys' folks helped them move in and set up, and as the parents were leaving, mom handed them a business card of a local bail bondsman. "This is for you. From this day forward, if you get in trouble, call this guy - not us. You are all, now, officially ADULTS." Sweetie said it was a sobering reminder to the young men that they had assumed the weight of some responsibility along with this newfound freedom, and the guys actually did turn out just fine.
I can't guarantee that shouldering a young adult with responsibility will be smooth or will go well, but I can practically guarantee that NOT doing so will stunt their development into adulthood. The reason most folks (who feel entitled) these days are so easily provoked into a tantrum is because they never earned or appreciated what they had, never learned the thrill of victory (and remain gracious) or the agony of defeat (and how to learn from their mistakes and recover in dignity). Not saying it's a lack of religion, but great religions do teach people how to live this way - just sayin'...
She definitely doesn't
She definitely doesn't appreciate what she has. I always did and still do. Understand it's all material and can be replaced, but it's the fact of how I got it and who gave it to me. The person who gave me something won't be around forever and that may be my last thing that I have from them.
As for religion..... I don't go to church, never really have. I tested the experience in high school and never really clicked with anything. I believe in a higher power, I read when I can or when I seek information. SD17 used to go to church and when we moved down south I told her she was old enough to find what church she wanted to go and she could go.... Guess she didn't want it that bad because she never did the foot work. Hope she finds that want again someday. Most of my belief is in Angels though, They watch us and they are the higher power's helpers.
Since she has decided that
Since she has decided that she is adult enough to run away, she is 17 after all, she is adult enough to be forcibly emancipated. DH needs to initiate that legal action immediately IMHO and let her feel the full consequences of her decisions.
Once emancipated she is no longer your concern or her dads and she can navigate the world as she wishes. I understand this many sound harsh... however, we are not talking about a 7yo here. We are talking about a late teen who knew family vacations would require her to repeat a grade, knew the consequences of running away (home schooling), and now is not being held to any of those consequences while expecting the family to maintain her red carpet existence (late nights doing what she wants, internet access, etc....). You and your DH have a 4yo who is not getting his uninterrupted turn at 4 because big sis is interfering in his childhood with her toxic teen angst bullcrap. Her crap is stressing you out, DH out, and the toddler out and it must stop immediately.
Time for legal forced emancipation. You and DH both need to make sure SD-17 lives the full consequences of her actions.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
That really was on point. Bad
That really was on point. Bad thing is DH will more than likely not go for it.
I thought in order to be emancipated you had to have a job, place, etc to show the judge that you can make it on your own? I've never really had to look into it so I do not know the rules for it.
And yes you are completely right. My 4yo is really the one that is suffering. Yesterday after talking on here I've realized he is the one that makes me happy, he needs to be my sole focus. He is the one that is in his tender (sponge) stage and I need him to see his mommy happy. I don't want a story popping up later in life saying he remembers me being mad or sad when he was younger. It does need to stop now and it will.
I focus all of my attention on him, DH doesn't even get much. I've noticed he keeps saying he loves me more then before and I tell him back. I do love my husband but a wall needs to be put up so I can regain my strength and focus on our son. If his focus is on her crap then so be it. I will not let this have an effect on our son.
A very close friend of mine
A very close friend of mine forcibly emancipated his then 17yo daughter who refused to comply with the household rules and was a detriment to her two younger siblings. She had no job or means of support. The Judge signed the order based on the preponderance of her rebellious actions and as a method of protecting the younger sibs. At the time she was a HS honor student that refused to comply with curfew, refused to attend classes (she had a friend who worked in the attendance office who would mark her present), and when my friend had reached his limits he called the police and turned her in for her attendance fraud and she was moved from the HS to the "Opportunity Campus" for that district. She graduated early and with honors when she was 17 about 6mos after she was forcibly emancipated.
That was about 15-ish years ago in Texas.
My friend and that daughter are very close though there were a number of estranged years during and after the emancipation.
Wow that's awesome for your
Wow that's awesome for your friend. I'm not sure it's that easy anymore, I'd have to get it passed husband first. At least if we get her emancipated, she could stay as long as everything was completed as its supposed to... chores completed, school getting done or GED, bills being paid, etc.... and if she does not comply then she gets evicted. It's a pretty picture in my head, just hoping its that easy. I will definitely be talking to husband about this and try to convince him.