How do you feel about the skids being at your house when it's not their week?
My fiance has 2 kids ages 9 and 13 who are with us 50% of the time. Their grandparents have been the 100% daycare providers up to this point. We recently moved a mile away from grandparents, and now 13 year old comes to our house every day after school until his mom picks him up (on her week). I knew the day would come that they would be old enough to be home alone, but I never realized they would be at our house every day!
I have several issues about this and these are in no particular order. He makes a mess and doesn't clean it up. My fiance doesn't believe they should have to do anything for themselves and he likes doing for those he loves. I've made it clear that he will be the one who carries the burden then because I refuse to clean up after a child who is capable.
The other issue is he eats all the snacks and drinks all the drinks, so instead of Costco shopping every other week I have to go every week. Worse than that I get home from work before his mom picks him up so if I'm in the garage or outside I have to see the skank, and now on her week too. I see her enough as it is, and frankly I treasure non-kid week as I'm sure you all understand.
I also recently set up the garage so I could do my yoga and pilates. I don't want to work out when I know the skank is coming over and they will be coming in and out of the garage. I also dress differently when it's not kid week. I don't want to wear a bra when I come home or perhaps I want to wear something sexy. I don't want to be surprised by someone walking in the door when I'm not expecting them.
My fiance says if I don't want him here he will see that he's not here, but he makes me feel like an ass.
Am I being unreasonable to ask the kids not come over when it's not their week?
I completely understand how
I completely understand how you feel, although it's not something I dealt with, as we lived far enough away that my SD could not just stop by our house.
I don't think you are being unreasonable for not wanting the step kid there on the off weeks but, like you, I would feel like an ass saying that he couldn't be there. That his home, also, and he probably doesn't think anything about it.
The least your fiance could do, is make sure that his kid cleans up after himself, respects your boundaries, and does not just help himself to all of your food. Let your fiance buy his kid his snacks. And the kid is 13, he should be able to go out the door when his mom picks him up, so that you do not have to deal with her. Why do they have to come in and out the the garage?
He is in and out of the house
He is in and out of the house because he rides his bike and tinkers with stuff in the garage so all the stuff he takes back and forth is in there too. She never gets out of the car but pulls up in front of the garage. She's always nice to me but I hate her and it's hard for me to be fake nice so it's easier on me if I avoid her. The kid also makes food and puts pans and utensils back without washing. Makes me crazy!!
oops sorry for the
oops sorry for the multiples...rookie here lol
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Both parents pay the
Both parents pay the grandparents for daycare and BM lives too far for the kids to go there.
OMG....FINALLY!! Finally
OMG....FINALLY!! Finally someone who feels the same way as me. Our schedule with my Sk is every other week. We have the kids mon-fri on her week until 6pm(mom gets off work at 3:30 and its only a 30min drive) THEN she manages to either not pick them up on Friday and I'm stuck with them until Saturday morning or she will drop them off on Sunday afternoons. I'm sorry but as I told DH I need a break from the kids..I need some me time where my house stays clean..where I don't have to plug my ears from the kids constant loud talking and screaming, the whining I just need a break...however my issue is...nobody agrees with me. They think I'm horrible and mean for needing a break from the two little princesses.
No...it's totally unfair to
No...it's totally unfair to expect you to have kids constantly if their mom is also in the picture and has shared custody. You need your time. Does your DH pay his Ex CS?
jBtomlison2 - yes and that's
jBtomlison2 - yes and that's the thing that gets me too. BM is never consistent with her pick up times so it's not like I can even plan accordingly on non-kid week. It's not like I want to ask...what time is your mom coming? I don't want them to feel like they aren't welcome I just want them to realize the world doesn't revolve around them but it's hard because in dad's world it does revolve around them. He goes to every soccer practice and game even when it's not our week. I get the games, but practice??? We have a joke that it's kid week or my week because every waking minute is doing for them on their week and I get ignored because I choose not to engage in everything they do. I would if it wasn't always about them. The kids want to do this or they want to eat that. How about we find something we ALL want to do or eat? That's all I'm looking for here. Dad's thinking is he only gets them 1/2 the time so he has to make up for lost time.
I sure am relieved to find this forum because I don't have too many friends without their own kids much less step kids so it's hard for them to understand. They all say, well you hooked up with a guy with kids......
I used to have this feeling,
I used to have this feeling, too. The schools we're zoned for are better than the schools BM is zoned for (she lives a little bit out in the country...really beautiful area, but not the best school) so, for the purposes of registration, we used our address. The middle school is right down the street from us. For a couple years in Junior High, the skids would walk to our house after school each day until their mom could pick them up around 5:30. SO...about 2-2/12 hours every single weekday. It drove me crazy, especially since I work from home and the skids were (and still are) SO LOUD.
I'm with you. I need some space that's just mine every once in a while. When YSD went to high school, DH was so sad that he would no longer be seeing her every day, but I was thrilled. If that makes me a jerk...I guess I'm a jerk.
With your SS, what I'd say is he's right on the verge of not wanting to come to your place all the time anymore. He's going to want to start hanging out with friends, be in his room listening to music, staying after school for social events...etc. Maybe try to weather it out for another year or two? Or...ask your fiance for a compromise. You get at least 2 days a week skid-free.
If the grandparents are being
If the grandparents are being paid for daycare, both kids should be going to the grandparents, especially if your fiance is not even home. You should not be responsible for his kids on BM's week.
I managed to persuade my DH
I managed to persuade my DH to buy a house on an island so that BM had to put the skids on a ferry to drop them off....a quite expensive ferry, before she would just drop them off randomly which was horrendous! I thank God for that ferry crossing many, many times.
If we had them any more then we do now I would have to leave, I find the school holidays hard enough to deal with. I can't be myself in my own home - it's a horrible feeling, and oh for the amount of times I have heard the good old: "Well you will marry a man with kids" line. Yeah, really helpful. Thank goodness for this site, that's all I've got to say. Hang in there.
I want to commend you for
I want to commend you for making your home a place where SS feels comfortable enough to come there every day, especially if you are there and his father isn't. That isn't an easy thing to do.
We also have skids 50 percent of the time, but I want them to be able to think of both BM's and our houses as their homes 100 percent of the time. We have a set overnight schedule, but now that they are older, after school they go to whichever house is most convenient for afternoon activities. They are good kids and didn't ask for their lives to be split between two homes, so it's important to me that they are equally comfortable here or there, even if that affects my own schedule or comfort level. As an adult in this situation I feel like it's my duty to take that on as opposed to asking the kids to do it.
I used to feel the same way,
I used to feel the same way, and sometimes find myself feeling this way, but recently have been reminding myself that had the kids parents not split up, they would be around 100% of the time. and Now its 50% for youngest and 100% for eldest (not my favorite human) so now I am appreciating what I USED to have when life was easier.
I get that the kid wipes you out with food and snacks - I do not know how you and your DH split the household finances, but recently I have been buying food I like and not sharing it. Nope, not interested. The kids do not realize that I worked to earn the money, shopped for it, am preparing it. If you want something, have your father get it and prepare it for you.
Also, the BM - recently she burst into our home and yelled at us through our bedroom door one morning - so she is not allowed in our home any longer. She does the "drive bys" only.
This is easy to deal
This is easy to deal with.....
stop buying snacks etc, and if you have to lock it all up...... also skid can not enter through garage he can use the front or back door..... if skid comes over as he pleases, make sure there's nothing for him to do, block the wife on weeks skids are not suppose to be there, lock up all snacks, and your room ... say nothing simply do it