stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

Was I wrong?

Last weekend my 13 year old SD was at our house. She had a application for a mentor program for special needs kids. She had the application for 2 weeks and it was due Monday.
It had 8 questions that she was supposed to fill out. "Have you ever worked with special needs kids" " What are your strongest strengths" type of questions.
She had only filled out her name on the sheet and waited until Sunday to get DH to TELL her what to write.
She would be helping them with homework if she got the position. She doesn't even turn in her own homework and makes terrible grades.
I was passing through the living room while I was getting ready for church (horrible time for her to be doing this anyway) and casually said " if you are applying for a leadership type of position I feel like you should answer them yourself and then DH can help you spruce them up"
She flipped out. Got in my face/pointed her finger in my face and started screaming at me that her answers had to be perfect. That I just didn't want her to get the position. I lost my temper and started screaming back that she wasn't to ever talk to me like that again.
DH took my side and screamed at her and made her go to her room. She wailed and cried and acted like she was so mistreated. BUT then he got upset with me that I wouldn't go sit in her room with her and talk to her and try to make it right.
Keep in mind that Sunday was Easter. I was so upset/pissed off the rest of the day. she got to have a great fun day when we went to the in laws for Easter while I was left in a bad mood.

stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

My husband never punishes

My husband never punishes her. He gives her these long lectures that don't help at all. He is terrified to punish her because she then threatens to not come over anymore.

Clevergirlfriend99's picture

Oh. The Loooooooong lectures

Oh. The Loooooooong lectures and no consequences. Yeah, that works. Not.

Cover1W's picture

Ditto. That's the process at

Ditto.
That's the process at our home.
And DH wonders why anything he "suggests" isn't done.

And that's why I'm mostly disengaged.

—

****Just remember to breathe and have a glass of champagne every so often****

sanecatlady's picture

Don't, ya know? My DH has to

Don't, ya know? My DH has to talk it out to SS... as to ensure he understands what he did wrong, and if he understands then no consequences. Even if it involves lying, purchasing things without permission, etc etc.

It has helped greatly! Not. Im sorry, but you can't treat a child like an adult and talk them through things. They need consequences.

Templeton21's picture

I don't think you were wrong

I don't think you were wrong in saying she should answer the questions herself first and he could then help spruce them up. That seems completely reasonable! Screaming back at her may not have been the best idea but in that situation I don't think I could have remained all that calm either! Your DH sounds like the bigger problem though, expecting you to go make it right and not punishing her. I would be more pissed at him!

ntm's picture

Yeah, I would have left that

Yeah, I would have left that one alone. I'm betting there is also an interview and they probably ask for a transcript. And even if she did get the job, is she's bad at it, she'll be let go. Your Easter would have been much more pleasant if you'd not inserted yourself into what was going on.

stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

I Knoooow. Stupid mouth. but

I Knoooow. Stupid mouth. but I was not being mean at all when I said it. her and my son are in the same grade. different schools thank god. I would never tell him exactly what to write.

pinkb's picture

Pretty much all of us have

Pretty much all of us have been there. Daddy far more worried about being a friend than a parent.
Good thing your husband supported you in front of her. Lot's of significant others don't. I wouldn't have gone coddling to "make it right" either. I'm sure some will argue "well, you're the adult" blah blah blah.

If there are never consequences for poor and/or disrespectful behavior it's very unlikely to stop. Start bucking up now or disengage because we can tell you where this is going and it's not likely pretty.

24 years as a SM's picture

DH wants you to go talk to

DH wants you to go talk to her? NOPE, not happening. The skids was an a$$hole to you and got punished, DH(D1ckHead) wants you to pat her on the head and make it right. All this brat will get out of this is, I can piss Disney Daddy off and get sent to my room and if I cry and wail enough, evil SM will have to come and kiss my a$$ to calm Disney Daddy down and make my special feelings better.

Cover1W's picture

Oh good lord. Disengage - not

Oh good lord.

Disengage - not your issue.
She wants to do it and your DH wants to "help" her in his way, then let them have at it.
She gets the job? Say "congratulations" and ignore whatever happens next...do not help at all. Nothing, nada.

Don't scream (all of you screaming? WHO is the adult?!) - walk away.

—

****Just remember to breathe and have a glass of champagne every so often****

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

DH needs to talk to her and

DH needs to talk to her and have an actually consequence. Maybe you should talk to her but honestly it feels like that's not the relationship you guys have and it wouldn't do anything but lead to more screaming.

—

Some days are hard but you just fight through them to get to the good ones.

imaSmom's picture

Generally when I lose my

Generally when I lose my temper on my kids I do try to speak with them afterwards. I'm not trying to lecture them when I do this. I am trying to balance out the explosion of emotion. Even if they caused it, they are still kids and they should know that my outburst was with regard to that specific instance. Nothing worse than walking on egg shells in your own home. Kids mess up but they should know there is always a way to rectify their wrong, I try to do my part by letting them know I am ready to accept their apology when they are ready to sincerely give it, but if it never feels okay to talk to me then that opportunity could be lost.

—

The freedom, the strength, the will to do as I damn well please.

babybugged's picture

The LONG lectures used to be

The LONG lectures used to be status quo in our house until I pointed out that the kids got exactly what they were wanting -- one on one time. We reward GOOD behavior with one on one time, not piss poor behavior. My DH will talk with the kids still, but only after a consequence has been given. Honestly, the kids don't want to talk with DH if they have a consequence! Evil

I want my kids to communicate with their dad and for them to understand why they are in trouble, but that should happen AFTER they have been given a consequence that clearly states that their behavior is unacceptable.

—

Babybugged

Acratopotes's picture

You have to learn to

You have to learn to disengage.....

next time, say nothing ignore them and go on with life..... liars are always caught out and then if she's heart broken and DH asks you... what can I do... smile and say, no idea you helped her to answer, now you deal with it... then ignore ignore ignore... never intervene while Daddy teaches his daughter not to be honest, the wheel will turn even if it takes years... but the wheel does turn.

—

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

anotherstep2's picture

She wants to be a "mentor" to

She wants to be a "mentor" to special needs kids but can't fill out her own application and freaks out when someone suggests that she give it a try? Yeah - there is someone who needs to be working with special needs children. I am guessing the irony just sort of sailed past her father?

stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

Of course it did!

Of course it did! Smiling

HeavenLike's picture

IMO, it wasn't necessary for

IMO, it wasn't necessary for you to intervene with the obvious because it sounds very doubtful they'd choose her. She can't even get her own homework done and has bad grades, the grades would probably cut her eligibility.

If you had let her apply and you knew your husband had filled out the application, you could have called the school and told the sponsor. Also, she would have suffered the natural consequences of being rejected, which might have motivated her to bring up her grades.

Now... in SD and DH mind, it's probably going to be all your fault because you messed up their plan.

The thing you should really be concerned about is that you married a man willing to do complete his kid's application. This says so much about his character.

Also, that's a huge thing that SD got up in your face and started screaming at you and her father did not immediately put a stop to it.

That you lost it and screamed back at a 13yo kid says a lot about how you should probably not be with these people, as either you are abusive yourself or being married to this man is eroding who you are.

This is not a matter of where you wrong. This a symptom of some deep and ugly problems in your home and marriage, and you need to be examining your marriage more than scoring points over husband and skid.