Need fuel and wisdom for argument sure to come later ...
SO is a lying POS and I honestly feel I really do hate him. The manipulations are making me feel absolutely crazy!
SS21 has been clean since he went to jail, so about 1 year. Can't keep a steady living situation, girlfriend or job, but apparently no drugs. So we assume as that's what he's been saying. Okay whatever, I have no reason not to believe him.
For the last 6 months he has been begging his father to let him move into our finished basement. We currently use that as the family room for all the big kids (4+friends). It has chairs, a TV, a futon and a bunch of the younger boys toys.
SS and I have not gotten along since I called him out on continuing drug use and he responded by calling me every name in the book, accusing me of trapping his dad into a pregnancy, being a stripper (lol), and going on and on about how he doesn't love myself or our daughter and is still in love with SS's mother and will always choose her over me. (I have previous blogs talking about everything that's happened with SS and the year from hell with the drug use).
Well for the last six months I thought SO and I were on the same page both agreeing that it was a bad idea and absolutely not. However now I found out that he's been telling SS "maybe, I'll talk to (me) about it". Lying right to my face this whole time!
We have my 3 children full time and SD14 and SS15 half of the week in our house already and now I'm being expected to also welcome SS21 with open arms?
" well it will only be for 3 months until him and his girlfriend ((his on again off again gf that he met in AA and who also has 2 children she does not have custody of)) get a place together, and he will pay us $600 a month, follow all the rules you set, and we'll barely even see him! Its just till he gets back on his feet, gets his license back, and finds a new job and place. I don't understand what the big deal is? He keeps asking 'Why, why, why?' When i tell him you say no and I don't see why not either? I lived with MY parents when I was 21!" - SO
Um seriously? Oh the lies. Oh the manipulations. I'm losing my mind.
YOU lived with YOUR parents. I'm not his mother, in fact I'm closer in age to him that to SO. YOU were not a serious heroin addict when you moved back in with mommy and daddy. Your siblings were ALL grown and moved out when you were 21!
I'm not an asshole. In fact I have a huge heart. I tried to make amends at memorial day and thanksgiving LAST year with SS and HE chose to tell me to F off because I did not go out of my way to text back "I forgive you" when he was finishing his 12 step program and had to make amends with people he hurt. But now he WANTS something from ME and suddenly I've turned back into the A hole for not giving him what he wants.
SO and SS belong together. Ugh so done.
I need fuel to throw back at him when he comes home later to "discuss this like adults". So I'm posting asking for all your wonderful pearls of wisdom.
Boy do we need therapy
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Comments
I agree with Clever- there
I agree with Clever- there are too many other people with their lives at stake if SS moved in. I would say no and I would let it be a hill to die on.
Agree with Clever in that
Agree with Clever in that your DH is only thinking about what is best for SS and not your WHOLE household and your marriage.
Personally for me, I would have a hard time welcoming an addict into my home because I have seen too many go back to their old ways. It's just not something that I would want to risk.
What has SS been doing the past 6 months? Why hasn't he gotten his life together enough by now to make sure that has a place to stay?
I'm definitely bringing this
I'm definitely bringing this to his attention later. I thought this was the case but I don't know that mich about it so I just let them all say I was the jerk.
TBH, I don't think DH nor OP
TBH, I don't think DH nor OP should be signing a lease for this guy. That is a stellar way to end up with a black mark on your credit and possibly a large bill for damages to an apartment.
There is also a problem that if they allow him to move in and establish residency.. then it can be difficult to get him out.
I am curious though.. where is he living now?
With BM but they are exactly
With BM but they are exactly alike and fight often. She's extremely selfish, everything is about #1, currently on a 2 week vacay at Atlantis with new boyfriend while SKs stay with us.this is a regular thing for her, in 2 more weeks it's her annual trip to the Bahamas without her kids. anyway, He hates it there. Sleeps on her couch. He's cutting into her boyfriend time too apparently and wants him out, so he says. He lost his job again recently too which is probably the real reason she wants him out.
I agree that the whole
I agree that the whole household and your marriage needs to be taken into consideration, not just SS. Not to mention the fact that your SS so blatantly disrespects you.
it will only be for 3 months....Its just till he gets back on his feet, gets his license back, and finds a new job and place.
I do not believe for a minute, that this will only be for 3 months.
It really is best not to go down this road, it will be hell getting him out and will cause even more problems.
I said this to SO last night
I said this to SO last night because one of SS's bargaining tools was that I could make a list of rules and if he broke one I could pick him out. Oh really? How? He said pack his stuff and put it outside, I can already see how all of that would play out and how it would constantly be them against me! Because currently it's already him and his kids against me! I'm already uncomfortable in my own home because I can't say boo at or about his kids and I'm supposed to add an adult male who's side he always takes to the mix!?
Heroin is a hell of a drug
Heroin is a hell of a drug and he has not been clean for long enough for you to just accept him back in. That is what you should tell DH. Does he want to be an enabler? SS needs to prove he is a responsible adult (hold down a job - for example) before your husband should be "helping" him.
It isn't good for your marriage or kids to accept him into your home RIGHT NOW. I would suggest keeping an open mind, maybe be willing to help SS once he has another year sober, holds down a job, etc.... maybe that can be a sort of "compromise."
But living back with Daddy
But living back with Daddy doesn't really help SS. And he and the GF will bring tension to the whole household. Not ideal for a recovering addict who should be taking care of his own business--that's part of his recovery. He must be self sufficient and responsible. I would guess part of not keeping a job or living situation is due to his own issues. Those things right there are red flags that he is either using again or not serious about his recovery. There is also no reason to believe that SS will adhere to the "short term" plan to "get on his feet" and vacate after three months. He hasn't shown himself to be responsible about anything else. So, Daddy to the rescue.
If SS can afford to pay you $600/mo for rent, he can pay that to someone else. If SO needs to help him financially (deposit, first month's rent for example) for a short time, that's an option.
I'm not sure how you can approach this without telling SO things he doesn't want to hear about his son--irresponsible, etc.--which will just inflame the conversation and lead to the inevitable "you hate my kids." That's hardly the point. It is just not a good situation for SS to be sheltered from his own life.
This is one of my arguments.
This is one of my arguments. He needs to grow a pair and learn some responsibility. Hold a job and rent your own place with your own bills! Not once has he stayed alone. It's been with mom, dad, grandparents or halfway houses since I've known him. He's constantly eating out and buying new clothes and shoes and tattoos, so I know he's terrible with money and we'd never see it! His own family (I'm close with one of SO's sisters so I've confided in her a lot about this stuff) is completely against him moving in with us and half of them think he's still using!
"... he's been telling SS
"... he's been telling SS "maybe, I'll talk to MomandSMofSix about it".
This is so he can make YOU the bad guy for SS NOT moving in. Wanker. {{{hugs}}}
EXACTLY. I called him a p***y
EXACTLY. I called him a p***y for it, which maybe I shouldn't have, but I'm always the scapegoat
NOT acceptable.
NOT acceptable.
An adult who told me to eff
An adult who told me to eff off would not be allowed in my home at all - not even to visit much less to live there.
I'm going to go use this word
I'm going to go use this word for word. I'll comment what he says back. Stand by
This comment is everything!
Why would he need to live
Why would he need to live with them if he can keep a job for 12 months?
I would say no and offer no reasoning on to what might change my mind for him coming to live there later on if later on isn't ever going to happen.
He responded that SS says I
He responded that SS says I should get over everything and move on. Forgive and forget and not hold resentments. Ha! Also that when I called him out on his continued drug use (which later turned out to be 100% true) that I was attacking him. So we're back to SS trying to sully SO's image of me. The manipulations continue. I will not be bullied into this situation.
So he's been sober for 6
So he's been sober for 6 months... where has he been staying? what has he been up to? 6 months is plenty time to get back on your feet - at least with a minimum wage job and crappy apartment. I hate to say it, but anyone who's recently sober without stability is probably not sober. That was MOST important to me when I chose to stop using - having a stable life in order to keep me from using.
I just can't imagine someone staying sober for 6 whole months without any sense of responsibility in terms of an apartment, job, etc. I feel like that would be next to impossible. Hence why a lot of the time, you get put in a halfway house or something... to give you a sense of stability you can rely on. I'd be weary about his sobriety...
I am, we all are, well
I am, we all are, well everyone but his dad of course. The ever present enabler. He's been in 3 different sober houses so ce he left his mom's when he first got out of jail. There's always some reason he can't make it work. He's been at his mother's now for 2 months rent free and she's kicking him out, however he's saved $0 because he was counting on daddy to say yes. He's never been independent or lived alone with any sort of responsibility. Always with someone else and always someone else's fault when that falls through. Even now he just quit his newest job because he would have to hang around after work waiting for a ride and his coworkers drank and smoked and he "just can't be around that" so that's supposedly why he quit. No trying for an uber or cab, no arranging a different carpool, just quit. It's ALWAYS something or someone else, that ruins things for him. And no one ever understands how hard it is for him. Blah blah I can't even for self pity
UPDATE: Daddy said no and SS
UPDATE:
Daddy said no and SS is LOSING it going "psycho" (SO's words) like he always has when he doesn't get his way and like especially used to when he was using!
Eeek!
Eeek!
So, he's just proving that he
So, he's just proving that he has not graduated into adulthood. Good, I hope your SO sees that.
I'm also finding out SS told
I'm also finding out SS told SO yesterday to inform me I just don't have a choice in the matter. Seriously?
He's now telling SO that he'll just end up in a homeless shelter now and if he does he'll say f that and just get high and when they find him dead it will be SO's fault.
Well than you SS for just proving me right about yourself and shame on you SO for even considering this after he told you to tell me I had no choice!!
Now we're seeing his colors again, just like always. Nothing has changed with this kid.
I'm just afraid if he does kill himself SO will first blame himself, then me.
Yeah, he's a manipulator,
Yeah, he's a manipulator, alright, and I hope your SO recognizes that.
If SS was really serious about his sobriety and turning his life around, he wouldn't have said those things. He would've been paying BM something to stay there, then maybe she wouldn't have given him the boot. He would have saved something, to get out on his own.
Not only is he an addict, but he's a co-dependent (which is common) and he needs to learn how to depend on himself instead of expecting everybody else to let him rely on them. It's one thing to ask for and accept help when one needs it, it's another to demand and expect it.
He doesn't want to straighten his life out, he wants somebody else to do it for him. And when nobody does, he can blame them, not himself, for whatever happens.
He may need some help or guidance but sometimes in these situations, that help is best met by NON family members. Family members are too emotionally involved and are not good at holding the person accountable and are not taken seriously by the recovering addict. Somethingwicked has the right idea about getting him help elsewhere, not in your home.
It might benefit your SO (and you, as well) to attend some nar-anon meetings to better learn how to handle your SS and his demands and threats. And how to help him, without sacrificing your home, relationship, and other family members. Giving him money or a place to live is not really helping him, it's just enabling him.
Stand strong - eff SS - he's
Stand strong - eff SS - he's an adult and he needs to live with the life choices he made,
even if something should happen to him, do not take any blame for it, help Dh through this and make him understand, you can't give everything up for SS and let the other children suffer, 1/6 bad egg is not wrong... it happens in allot of families.
SS has never shown he changed, he could've found a job, he could've saved up money, his own mother kicked him out why should SM take him in? I would tell SS that actually... Why should I worry about you if your own mother kicked you out you worthless piece of junk