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Husband continues to financially support 23 university grad daughter

Sally37's picture

Hi Everyone,

I am new here and really need some feed back on my situation.
My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, together for almost 6 years. We do not have any children together. Husband has a 23 year old daughter who lives with her biological mom and visits us once or 2 times a month for dinner or an outing. There is also a 22 year age difference between me and my husband. (he is almost 58 I am 36). We're both professionals, he is a social worker, I am a lawyer.

Here is where the problem comes in, my husband has no retirement savings, no savings period, a ton of debt and has doubled mortgaged the condo that we live in (which he bought before we met). I contribute to our living expenses, pay for all of our entertainment and travel as well. For the past 4 years my husband financially helped his daughter finish her BA even though he couldn't afford to (hence the debt and double mortgage). His daughter decided she wanted to study in a different city even though we have some of the top universities in the country in our city. My husband paid for all of her housing costs for 4 years and I am sure more that I don't know about.

She graduated last June, so almost a year, has not worked for a day, stays at home and my husband continues to support her with $400 spending money. She has now decided that she wants to do a masters degree in another country and I have no doubt my husband will be called upon to pay through the nose. The dynamic between husband, step daughter and ex wife are very weird, there is no talk about money, and what they can and cant afford.

I've had many discussions with husband and want him to stop supporting his adult daughter, and for us to start focusing on his debt and also retirement savings. I've asked him to speak to his ex wife to make sure she understands that he is just not in a position to help financially anymore. He keeps telling me that he can't tell his daughter not to study further and can't stop supporting her, and that I shouldn't worry about his future, that he has no expectation of me.

From where I am sitting I will have to support him financially once he retires, while now he is supporting his adult daughter instead of focusing on his own terrible financial situation. We do keep our finances separate because I know what ever money I give him goes directly to her, which is why we've divided things in a way that I pay for certain things and he pays for certain things and I give him $1000 for other common expenses.

I've basically told him that if he won't speak to his wife and won't cut off the support that we cannot go to any more vacations or out to dates etc.. and I have to save all that money for his retirement. I don't feel that it's fair for me to do that while his daughter sits at home not working and living a lavish life that her parents can't afford.

Do you think I am exaggerating? should I just leave things be? has anyone been in a similar situation? I just don't know where to go from here...

Acratopotes's picture

this might sound funny, but your user name... Hon you should be a cold stone bitch Blum 3 Blum 3 Blum 3

Let me help you getting there......

1st off you never should've married him with all that debt, you could've said, pay off the debt and we can get married.
Now it's to late for it.

Separating finances is fine but you are doing it all wrong, all house hold expenses is divided between you and DH, 50/50 you do not contribute anything more .... keep your own credit cards and your own account, also own phone plan and you only pay for that.

Force DH to start up with a retirement plan now, he can start contributing towards it 400 per month, after that and paying his 50% of house hold expenses he can do what ever he wants with his money, if he does not have money to go on holiday... then he stays at home... it's that easy...

See I am with a debt ridden guy as well, but I bought 50% of his house to get him out of debt.... and it was a good investment... the house not the guy, jury is still out on that Wink

Ninji's picture

I agree with you that his lack of retirement will be your problem. Who does he think will be paying the bills once he can't work? Does he plan on working until he dies?

Maybe you can get him to sit down with a financial advisor. An outside prospective may get it through is thick head that he can't keep on spending money he doesn't have.

Sally37's picture

Thanks everyone,

I have kept everything separate, I have my own checking, saving, retirement and investment account and credit card. I only send him a money transfers every month for common expenses. I also keep the travel money in my own account.

He will have a very small pension when he retires about $1000, but with all his debt and mortgage on the condo etc.. that money will not go very far.

Acratopotes's picture

be like Sally

buy his condo, and sell it for a profit, SD can't inherit it then one day Wink
stop sending him 1000 bucks Hon, simply add up the common bills, I guess this is groceries and electricity etc...
she what's the cheapest, your 50% or the 1000

Annoyed1's picture

Honey, you're 22 years younger than him. YOU are his retirement plan. He has 7 years left of work. You have 29. Deal with it now before it's too late (although, I think it already is).

Acratopotes's picture

easier said then done - Aergia is also aiming for this plan.......

but luckily i see right through her and I'm stopping it before it even started Biggrin

Acratopotes's picture

pffft she can blame me, I'm a big girl lol - she blames me for everything any way, one more thing not going to matter to me lol......

Ninji's picture

Yup, I worked full time and went to school full time to earn my degree. I'm still working full time and going to school part time working on my master's. Thousands of people do it everyday.

Icansorelate's picture

Oh dear, I have been there, done that, have the divorce to prove it.

My now exDH was similar. Made a great living, but had more debt than income and no assets other than part ownership of a business which was not enough to make his net worth positive. He lost all his assets in his prior divorce and paid HUGE alimony.

He was supporting two grown daughters- paying for college, paying loans for their college, giving them spending money, paying for their cars, housing, etc.

I tried to reason with him- all the same arguments you have. How are you going to retire? What happens if you get sick (you cannot prenup away medical bills for a spouse)- you could bankrupt me, etc, etc.

We had a prenup and seperate finances.

We are now divorced because he not only kept funnelling money to his daughters but he lied about it to me. I am afraid your DH will do the same. If you try to put your foot down, he will just lie to you/hide the money he is giving to his daughter.

Honestly, if I was you (and I was), I would divorce him. You can still live together but end the financial ties with a divorce. Men like these do not change.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your dh sure made out marrying someone 22 years younger than him.

You need to tell him immediately that you can no longer indirectly support a grown child with a degree. Have him read the book by Dave Ramsey "Total Money Makeover". If he balks, you will know what your purpose in his life has been. What kind of life is this for you?

Some parents support their kids through their undergrads but I have only heard of one family paying for their child's masters degree.

There are people who truly have no sense when it comes to money. There are those who use someone else who does have money. Is your DH in option #2? And if he is option #1, he needs to be open to making improvements to his own situation since it comes with a cost to his wife. If that's not important to him, then I sure wouldn't stay in this situation.

ChiefGrownup's picture

What a sweet deal for him. Lovely young woman to snuggle on and show off, also very accomplished so she can support him and his parasite.

Now, for you, you get a man who will be old and dependent while you are in your prime.

Hmmmmm....what's wrong with this picture?

I don't always think an age difference is terrible, although it would never appeal to me, but in this case you are carrying a massive load on your back and he is reaping all the benefits.

When you took the pre Sat, did you think, gosh, I so hope I do well in this field so one day I can support a woman is my age now? Did you? Didn't think so.

Look the facts cold in the face. Marriage is to create something bigger than yourself, not to drag you down.

SacrificialLamb's picture

"Marriage is to create something bigger than yourself, not to drag you down."

I absolutely love that. I used to say I would not get married again unless my life were to be enhanced. I like how you said it better.

Sally37's picture

Thanks everyone,

I am not quite sure why he feels the obligation to pay for her, I think on some level he equates that with love and support and believes if he doesn't pay that makes him less supportive towards his daughter?

I know lawyers have a reputation for making a lot of money, but I work for a very small firm and my income is almost equal to my husbands, maybe a few $100 more per month, so I certainly can't afford to save for my own retirement and his.

I hope he doesn't come across as a gold digger or anything like that, he is a wonderful man and if we take out the money issue we do have a great relationship. I did know about the financial stuff before we got married but I assumed once his daughter got her BA she would get a job and he could focus on his own life. Now it has become clear that this is not happening.

And if he was putting in effort to fix his finances and if he cuts off his daughter I won't mind supporting him partially when he retires, but not if he spends his money on his daughter now and expects me to support him when he retires.

He keeps saying I shouldn't worry about it and that he has no expectations from me and he'll work as long as he can but that's just not good enough anymore...

SacrificialLamb's picture

If he plans on working as long as he can, you will be retired from being responsible, sitting at home wishing you had a husband you could go on vacation with. But he will be at work. And the resentment will build.

I live in a part of the country that is full of the elderly. It is referred to as God's Waiting Room. I see a lot of people still working because they have to, and they look miserable. Some of them are in poor shape physically, but the bills must be paid. My uncle is one of them, and he is miserable, wishes he had done things differently financially. He now looking at other countries to move to. The other retirees here are out living life and having fun.

Have you told him you don't mind supporting him partially in retirement but NOT if he is now spending funds to support a grown daughter with money he doesn't have?

CLove's picture

When I read your post, my first and last thought was "what about the graduate who doesn't work one year after graduation?" This is what glabbergasted me, just now. You DH - well its the nature of the beast, he wants a good life for his precious. You did not mention the nature of your relationship to her, just that there is a "curious dynamic" between Ex, DH and SD. I am guessing you have a more adult relationship, Have you sat her down to discuss her plans to look for work? What has been her excuse? Does she go with you on the vacations?

Yes, it is concerning how your DH continues to support BabyGirl, and its disturbing how there is no savings and yes, also disturbing how much debt he has - but what is MOST disturbing is the SD being a graduate for a year and not working and sponging off her parents. That is utterly ridiculous.

And guess what? DH is NOT doing Precious any favors. He is enabling her to be disabled. My parents helped me obtain a BA, and I still worked part time, and after a certain point I took out a small loan to finish (I was slow). My younger brother obtained his masters on his own with grant money and good grades, etc. He now makes bank at PG&E in upper management.

Precious can get her master's - that is highly encouraged! But on her own dime. First and foremost she needs a JOB. That's what you try to do right BEFORE graduation with internships, and interviews, etc - that's the entire goal of getting that BA/BS.

All your hardwork and efforts going into a black hole - I feel for you, sister.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I have the same friend, turning 50, doing all the same stuff you describe. She's in severe debt. She said she needs to do it to attract a man. In addition to that, she is also remodeling her kitchen. Makes her feel good to have a professional kitchen laid out the way she wants it. She saw me get aged out at work as soon as I turned 50 and she works in the same industry I did. She said she plans to work as long as she can. Well, she is likely to have less control over that than she thinks. Then she makes snide comments to me about not having to work. When we moved here, we bought a foreclosure and took our time fixing it up. We are still driving a 2004 car. I set up a budget when I was 33 that projected out until I am 80. My friend had to buy a fancy new Jeep, and she has no budget.

Looks like ostrich "head in the sand" thinking also applies to finances, not just parenting. But some day reality will blow up in your face.

SacrificialLamb's picture

It doesn't bug me that much, except that she gets irritated with me when she asks me for financial advice and doesn't like my answer. I feel really sorry for my friend. I think she is miserable. She's trying to fill in emotional gaps with material crap. Before her divorce she used to sneak Macy's bags into the house and hide them under the bed so her DH wouldn't see she went shopping. Now she has no checks and balances. She still blows money like crazy on clothes.

She's two years younger than me. My senior year of high school, my mother and former SF (I cannot confuse him with my current SF, who I adore) went into a store, saw a prom dress for $15, bought it and declared that was my prom dress. My friend was a sophomore at the same school, went to the prom as a senior's date, and wore a $300 dress (early 1980's). Her parents did her no favors in setting reasonable expectations.

Your friend's fortune teller might be right....she might meet a man. That's not necessarily a good thing. He might have adult daughters!

ChiefGrownup's picture

It bugs me. I've got a friend who's part of this tribe. She took out a line of credit on her house to buy a $10k heat pump cuz it was gonna save her so much on utility bills. Then she lost the house a few years later, well before the heat pump was paid off.

See, she had taken out every penny she could squeeze out of that house so there were various lines of credit and mortgages. None of which she could pay.

This was a house she had lived in for 35 years. She could have had it paid off well before then. I had mine paid off in 20. So now I have a fully paid off house - no mortgage or rent and she is living in apartments dodging calls from the bank and the IRS because she never understood that even after she lost the house she was still supposed to pay off the bank and that any debt that would be "forgiven" would be considered income by the IRS.

I could go on and on. Yes, it bugs me. If we go to eat, it has to be a nice restaurant. She has expensive couch pillows from Nordstrom's, far more expensive than anything in my house. Yet I have way more money than she does while she is currently "saving up" for her second bankruptcy.

Yeah, it bugs me. Very good person otherwise but a completely bizarre spending philosophy.

sandye21's picture

I have a similar friend who is on physically disability. She gets free housing and medical care. Does not own a car because she asks everyone else to haul her around. When we go shopping I shop off the bargain rack, she gets whatever appeals to her. She goes out to dinner often. Recently she moved into a new house much bigger than what we are living in. Fixing it up, purchasing new items for it, getting the yard all spruced up. Odd thing - she was able to spent days and days doing heavy yard work and moving heavy furniture around - more than I would be able to do and I'm not considered physically disabled.

still learning's picture

If you had a client who was in your situation and wanted to protect themselves financially how would you advise?

Sally37's picture

I want to give him the ultimatum that

1. He has to speak to his ex wife and tell her he can't contribute in any way to the masters degree
2. The $400 will stop
3. He will have to create a budget that balances, otherwise I feel like I have to walk away, and the irony will be without me he won't have any money to give her anyways...

SacrificialLamb's picture

Why does he need to speak to his ex-wife about their 23 year old? He owes her nothing. If his ex-wife has that kind of a hold on him, you have some other problems.

I agree with the rest. I've seen where financial advisors advise not to sacrifice retirement for a child's college (and it's the undergrad degree they are talking about). You likely could google that and share with him. He is taking a huge risk at his age with no savings and expecting you to be there to back him up.

Rags's picture

Ultimatums are rarely effecitive in my experience.  Though your message is absolutely right. 

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Sally37, if your husband died unexpectedly wouldn't you be saddled with his debt? That's what the marriage certificate is, a financial document.

I'd really rethink this relationship if I were you. And to be upfront with you, I think he is using you.

I supported my first husband through college. The plan was for me to finish my degree once he got his. He divorced me within months of getting his degree. So, I know what being used feels like. My ex doesn't see it that way though. He said we grew apart. Ha!

still learning's picture

"I supported my first husband through college. The plan was for me to finish my degree once he got his. He divorced me within months of getting his degree."

I did the same thing w/exh1, supported him through his BS/MA then it was supposed to be my turn. Oh the excuses why I couldn't go to school after he finished, heap upon that guilt from IL's and our church as to why I was to be a 100% stay at home mother and stay in my place. Started but never finished my degree, When we divorced I was penniless, jobless, skilless, little education and saddled w/4 kids while exH cut off all the money and ran off to his new life. So much for sacrificing for a man. Not much in it for the woman ever.

What you you end up with after years of sacrificing for able bodied college degreed SD?

SMforever's picture

Sally,
You may love him dearly, but you are kidding yourself. You say "if we take out the financial issues then things are fine". That's the key to this. Your head is in the sand. This situation has huge potential for resentment for you.

You may feel young and energetic now. But look at the calculations. How much could you save each year if on your own or with an equal partner? How much do you save while supporting this guy? Then think: will I want to be busting my arse working full time when the 68 yr old is sitting around the house, retired, depressed and wanting pocket money? Or when YOU are 56 and he wil be 78 and you are paying for his health costs!AND likely still working full time? Do not underestimate your own needs especially those last ten years when you wish to hell you could retire if it weren't for the parasite.

I am your husband's age and my partner is the same. I told him from the start (about five years ago) that he'd better clean up his disney-dadddy-warbucks attitude about supporting his kids...all three of them 22+ years old. I have refused to marry him until he can show me proof that his assets are at least equal to mine. That will necessitate him working full time for at least the next ten years, and he will. If he wants me around. In the meantime, NO mingling of assets.

Meanwhile, there is no frigging way I will be sacrificing my holidays abroad just because my partner wasted his savings on fancy degrees for the kids. He spent £90,000 on his son's tuition, then FORGaVE the loan. Talk about buying your popularity! I go alone on my trips and always have a plan B in case he decides to take the poverty route.

I think him handing out $400 a month to the SD is atrocious. But it's worse that he has no savings.

SacrificialLamb's picture

These are great points SMforever. Also don't forget that people over 50 frequently are aged out of the workforce and have trouble finding another job. It happened to both DH and I. For me, it was right when I was turning 50.

OP, that's only 14 years away from you. What will all of your household expenditures be then, including healthcare which is more uncertain than ever? And what will all your income streams be?

ChiefGrownup's picture

Sally, you've presented your case to the jury. It's unanimous. Not one single vote for you sucking it up any longer. There is also a strong majority opinion you should re-think the entire relationship.

His stated philosophy is love is expressed through financial support. What does that say about how he feels about you? I'm sorry, I know that sounds hurtful, but you are living it and it IS hurtful.

Sally37's picture

"His stated philosophy is love is expressed through financial support. What does that say about how he feels about you? I'm sorry, I know that sounds hurtful, but you are living it and it IS hurtful"

wow that is a perspective I hadn't considered at all! thank you.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Wholeheartedly agree with SMForever, that this is about MUCH MORE than the actual money.

Your DH has made it clear that buying his daughter's affection (which is a life-long endeavor) is his priority. He is willing to do that at his own expense and at your expense.

Bottom line: Your DH equates his love with money. In his case, he will give all his "love" to his daughter. Alternatively, your "love" is to be given to him. What an inequality that equation is!

This dynamic will never change. No matter what happens in SD's future, your DH will open up his wallet and do whatever he can whenever she asks for it. This can go on and on, to include her possible children - your DH will undoubtedly open up his financial veins to let them all drain him.

Here are the fundamental questions you have to deal with: Are you willing to live the rest of your life knowing you are second place to his daughter? And are you willing to foot the bill and remain in the backseat with SD sitting up front?

If the answer to either is no, then you are intelligent and educated enough to know what you must do.

Merry's picture

My DH just about bankrupted himself over paying, and paying, and paying for SS college, including parent loans (he's still paying those). SS never finished school. DH eventually cut off the ATM at my insistence. Loud, frustrated, tearful insistence. It was awful. And must have been awful for DH, too, as love = money for SS.

SS finally got with the adult program and is now working. Occasionally needs a financial hand, and as long as he's taking care of himself and being a responsible adult, I don't mind helping in some reasonable way.

That your SD hasn't worked in a YEAR is horrible. Depending on Mommy and Daddy is crippling her. Evidently her parents want to keep her dependent on them, and that is doing her no favors. She needs her own successes, and her own failures, not co-dependent parents.

Has she even applied to and been accepted at the graduate school of her choice? And does the grad school have financial assistance available?

I don't see why the ex-wife has to be involved in the discussion--your DH just needs to tell SD directly there is no money coming from him. Start treating her like an adult. And you know what successful adults do? They take care of themselves. They have jobs.

sandye21's picture

I had a similar situation when my DH and I got married. I supported him so he could send SD to an expensive four year college. She was too 'special' to attend the local community college for the prerequisites. He also placed hundreds of dollars in her checking account every month. I paid for health insurance for both of them.

One day I got to the same point you are now and told DH he was going to have to pay half of the expenses. He became irate. I held my ground and told him if he could not pay for his share of the household expenses he would have to leave. He thought it over and found out it was cheaper to pay his 1/2. He continued to supplement SDs income even when she was earning more then he was - for years. He did not save up for retirement until a few years before he was to retire.

Today he is retired. He gets social security only. We live simply but if there was a 'disaster' such as a health issue or a need for a new vehicle he would be hard pressed to find the funds on his own.

I am relating my 'tale' to you but have to tell you my DH did not come into the marriage with debt nor was he 22 years older than me. So you can see that you are risking a lot more of your future than I ever did - or would be willing to do. Many of the posters have suggested a post-nup. I agree totally. If you want to remain married this man please protect yourself financially - and do it as soon as you can.

sandye21's picture

When I suggested you protect yourself financially and get a post-nup as soon as you can, it came from personal experience. When DH and I had been married for about 7 years we were having problems. I decided visit a lawyer. The lawyer told me that if we divorced I would probably have to pay DH pay 1/2 of savings that I had earned and saved while we were married. You have been married only 3 years - you have a chance to protect yourself - if you do it now.

At one point in our marriage I was having a horrible time at work. I told DH I wanted to quit. He went into a tirade, refusing to support me. Afterward, I did everything in my power to protect and separate my assets. Ask your DH if he would be willing to support you if you quit work. Ask him if he is willing to stop sending SD money so he can take care of you.

Another thing to ask yourself is what will you do when you are still physically active and your DH is not able to keep up with you. A friend of mine married a man 20 years her senior. When I met them she was around 40 and he was 60. They were both active and enjoyed life but it wasn't too long until he began having physical issues and his hearing began to fail. At first she tried to take care of him during their vacations together. The last I heard she was taking vacations with friends and leaving him home. On the plus side he retired without being financially dependent on her. Otherwise she would be stuck at home with him - and he still refuses to wear his hearing aide.

Sally37's picture

Thank you, where we live, the home that we live in is considered a joint asset regardless of who purchased it, which means if we ever got a divorce he would have to sell the condo and give me half of the money he gets from the sale money, or would have to buy me out, so I am not worried about having to give him half of my savings. in the event of a divorce I would leave with what I have and he would keep his condo and all the debt that comes with it.

We've had some more discussions and he has agreed that he will alert both the ex wife and the SD that he won't be able to contribute to a masters degree.
We are still not on agreement about the $400. One thing I should have mentioned is that the SD has some sort of mysterious "pain" that she seeks phisio therapy for (there has never been a diagnosis and nobody knows what the problem is) and my Husband believes the $400 is being spent on phisio, but the reality is SD is out partying and drinking 3 nights per week, I know this because she tells me and my sister, and she is taking art and drama classes which aren't cheap, so if she has the money for all that she has the money for therapy as well.

ChiefGrownup's picture

So what. When I was 24 I had emergency surgery and no insurance (I had been raised to think insurance was bad. Oy.) Nobody bailed me out. 10k debut incurred while I was unconscious. I learned to deal with it and to stop trusting my mother's advice.

This girl can get a job and get her own insurance and get proper health care on her own. Is this girl going to support the two of you should you both get ill or injured? I think not. She's losing time building her own retirement now. I wouldn't waste a second worrying about paying for her "pain."

sandye21's picture

Are all of DH's debts considered 'joint' also? Still time for the post-nup.

jenchelle's picture

I'm going thru something like that. My SS talked us into sending him to an expensive college and even signed a paper that he would pay us back the difference between what the local university would cost and what this other out of State college was going to cost. So thinking that we were helping to give him a better opportunity, we sent him. He did not work during his summers and very little during the school year so besides tuition we were paying all of his other expenses. He graduated last May and was unemployed until this February. The whole time he was unemployed I kept telling him to get a job at Starbucks or something while he searched for the "perfect" job. My husband kept insisting we send him money, saying that SS would pay us back. We were also paying his cell phone bill along with the latest Sam Sung phone that we financed because he said he was going to work right after graduation. I was tempted to cut the phone a few times but my husband kept telling me he needs the phone so he can get a job. Well he finally found a job that he was willing to take and he is making more than my husband and I combined. We were still sending him money during the month he started because he said his check was delayed. We asked him to start paying his phone bill and he told his sister that we are being unreasonable. As for the loan, he thinks is because of me he has to pay it back. I want to shove that piece of paper he signed into his face. All I can say is that i'm thankful he finally got a job because if this kept up much longer it wouldn't have been pretty.

One thing I am so thankful of is that our financial planner told not to use our retirement funds to pay for his education, that is for our future when we get older, while SS has his whole life ahead of him to work. That is something your husband needs to realize. You need to take care of your own retirement and take care of yourself. I've don't have my own children and even if they were willing (highly doubtful), I do not want my step kids taking care of me. I realized that early on and although we combine our paychecks I maxed out my 401k and IRA's every year, plus put money from my paycheck into a separate account.

As far as paying for grad school, I would put my foot down. Both of our kids understood that if they wanted to go grad school they were on their own. Grad school is set up for people working full time, plus there are lots of grants and financial aid available.

notasm3's picture

One of my BFFs has been married for 30 years to a man 20 years her senior. While they've had a great life and raised two wonderful children she is now 65 and he's 85. He can't travel or even walk up 2-3 steps. It really restricts her during what should be her prime years of retirement and travel.

But I will give him credit - he worked until a year ago when he was forced to retire.

ChiefGrownup's picture

May I ask what field he was in? I would be interested to know where it's possible to work to 84. I have a good friend who is an experienced engineer but at 62 he simply could not find a job when his previous company folded. I'm sure it was his age.

notasm3's picture

Well here’s my answer a year late. 

He was an engineer. But he’d held management positions all over the world. So he kept his job because he could pull in major contracts for the company. 

lala-land's picture

Well, good news that he has said he won't fund the masters degree (make sure that he does this and doesn't do something sneaky like consigning a loan or a second mortgage). But what about the $400 a month she receives for doing nothing. In the future, who will pay for the Barbie dream car, the Barbie dream wedding, the Barbie dream house, the Barbie dream clothes, the Barbie dream vacations and so on and so on? Both your DH and SD live in a fantasy world, where if you want something, you should have it. And they are attempting to dupe you into this world, by equating love with money (specifically your money). You need to stop this fantasy money train now, because the demands are only going to get greater with time.

ppeac078's picture

I have to chime in here, because I definitely have the same fears and some of the same factors. My husband is older than me (close to a decade older), and I can see him funding SD's education, even though he has a massive Line of Credit and credit card debts. I also know the law and how it applies to me where I live, but the problem is you can't predict whether he will mortgage the house up the wazoo, or take on even more debt such that you will lose money in the future. Even if you separate your finances, you can't protect yourself from what he signs himself up for, and you are 50% responsible for as a result of marriage.

I think 3 years married, you still have time to fix things. Get a post-nup, or separate if he won't say no. You will pay for it, one way or another otherwise. Whether it is in taking care of him in the future, or dividing the debts upon separation, you will pay. He has to draw a line and cut the cord, force her to launch and be self sufficient. He is coddling her. If he doesn't stop, you will ultimately be the one paying for it, in lack of travel, lifestyle, or by supporting your husband when his social security isn't enough to pay the bills.

Rags's picture

You have it right with one glaring gap IMHO.... cut him and his daughter off. Pay only your half of the bills... no more $1000/mo for the other common expenses..... until he pulls his head out, launches his spawn, and starts responsibly preparing for his future. He is 58... he does not have much time and it is not your responsibility to support him in his dotage.

My wife is 12ys the younger in our marriage, we are both graduate degreed professionals, and we have diligently maximized our retirement investments over the course of our nearly 23 year marriage. She is 41 and I am 53. I expect to work another 10-15 years barring any notable financial wind fall that lets me accelerate my retirement. My intent is to have the resources in place for my bride to retire with me if she chooses to. She may not want to retire in her mid 50s but I for sure have no intent to work past my mid 60s.

Your DH is not your equity life partner. If he were he would be effectively participating in securing his retirement income. He likely is a leech on your life experience unless he makes some major aggressive changes. Keep that in mind.

Take care of you. He likely won't.

Sarri3's picture

Sally37, you poor thing. This is just wrong!  Time to sit your husband down and draw some firm boundaries or else.   SD has done nothing with the BA degree she obtained, choosing to sit home and do nothing. DH should tell his DD no more support, and if she wants to go for a MA, then she can work her way through it using her own means, such as a job or student loans.  It it totally unfair to you and your guys’ future to have this burden placed on your marriage when his finances are so terrible.  When  DH says “don’t worry about my future, I have no expectations of you,” you need to remind him that as his wife, YOU are his future, and each and every choice and decision you each make affects the other.  Show him these posts if necessary.  If he refuses to relent in supporting his DD who is a grown woman, you then have to make a choice to either suck it up and accept you are gonna bare the financial burden of being the primary financial support in your marriage now and in the future, or cut your losses and leave the marriage to free yourself of that burden.  And stop the $1000 a month allowance you give your husband because it’s just enabling him to do the very thing your wanting him to stop.  

Good luck to you, and I wish you the best hon!