Wife does not want me to see my daughter
I was divorced, while I was abroad for studying I got married again to a local girl.
My wife before we got married she said, she likes to have kids, she said we can plan 1 year after marriage.
It's been 3 years since we are married, she told me yesterday she would never want to have kids with me.
She says on one condition she can have kids, that is if I stop all contact with my daughter from my previous marriage.
She is very jealous of me and she says kids are scum of the earth, and that they ruin one's life. I want kids.
She says she loves me very much and she does not want any kids because she cannot give me any attention.
I don't know what to do. If I get divorced this will be my second one.
I did a big mistake by marrying her and I think I rushed in to this marriage.
She says I have to leave her, If I want to see my daughter.
Has any one gone through this kind of issue here ?
Well, you could admit it was
Well, you could admit it was a mistake and move on with your life with a second divorce under your belt and learn from your mistakes.
Or you could live a life of misery with someone who does not share your values and apparently was not honest with you, cutting off your child and not having any more that you did desire, and pat yourself on the back every day that you were only divorced once.
That's what it looks like to me that your choices are. Good luck.
You do not want this woman
You do not want this woman being the mother of any additional children you may have. Kids are the scum of the earth?
At least you know you made a
At least you know you made a mistake.... divorce her, it's not a crime to go through a second divorce.
Next lady you meet, take things slow before getting married.
It kind of scares me that you
It kind of scares me that you are even asking what you should do. It says a lot about the type of sperm donor... I mean, father... you are.
Yes you made a mistake. Now
Yes you made a mistake. Now you have to accept the consequences (divorce her) and move on.
I ve been reading a lot of
I ve been reading a lot of posts here and I see lot of women are similar to my wife, I was thinking it was only my wife.
"So, what is the case with you, sir? I'm not going to jump to any conclusions against your wife. She is a stepmother. She's a stepmother to your daughter. And there is simply no telling of the dynamic between you and your daughter and no telling what kind of sorry parent you are like most men. That one year elimination period that she promised you was spent observing your daughter and her behavior, observing your interactions with your daughter. It's possible she has endured all manner of disrespect from both of you."
I will tell you my case, my wife never met my daughter, and my daughter is not a spoilt brat, she is one of the nicest, she is very kind and loving. My daughter knows about her and wants to meet her. I want a normal relationship with my daughter, I do not want to see my daughter sneaking behind her back.
My wife is extremely jealous, she wants me all to herself. Few years back we had a big fight about this issue, I wanted to divorce her, but her sister said give her some time as she is still young. I gave two years to again talk about this topic. We have a huge age difference, she is 23 and I am 35.
Since two days all she does is crying, she is in depression and wants to take her life.
She says I lied to her, I think some how she assumed I will never contact my daughter, I don't understand what is the mistake I did, seeing my daughter is wrong ? I did not cheat on her, I provide for her. I told her let us go to a counselor and talk about this, she says she will never change even if she met a counselor. She is not eating properly, nor drinking, constant crying. I don't know what fear she has. She told me all he has is me.
She tells me that seeing my daughter is the same as she having a affair with some one. She says she does not like the thought of my daughter touching me.
I just want to give up. It is damaging my mental health as well.
She says she loves me, but is not willing to accept my daughter, forget about her meeting her. But atleast I should have peace when meeting my daughter.
Another fear I have is, if something happens to my ex wife, or she passes away I will have to take care of my daughter, and if it happens, it will certainly end in divorce.
I wish I could go back in the past and never married my wife, and waited till my daughter turned 18
If I were to advice any divorce man/woman who has kids, I would say be careful who you marry second time, and make sure they like his or her kids.
Meaning no disrespect, but
Meaning no disrespect, but the age difference between you two is very large, and you say that you have been married already 3 years. So she was 20 at the time. There is a very large maturity gap between those in their 20's and those in their 30's, anywhere in the world that you hail from, this is true.
If you want children and she definitely does not, if she hasn't met your dear daughter and she wants you to yourself all the time = unhealthy person/unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. And anyone that requires you not to visit your child (who by your accounts is wonderful), is in the wrong no matter what.
I do not know the cultural differences you might also have, but the age differences alone would make things very difficult. And WHERE the people are in the age bracket is most important. Say if you were 40 and she were 30 - this would be an entirely DIFFERENT age bracket. We all change immensely from 10-20, then 20-30. The growth slows after that. Plain and simple.
If she thought she wanted kidlings at 20, and then changed her mind at 23, perhaps if you wait long enough she will grow up more, and change her mind yet again. Do you stay to find out?
Really, only you can make this decision. We do not have the answers, this is an unusual case.
Your wife sounds very very
Your wife sounds very very insecure and with low self esteem. Women have a strong need for validation. With your wife it is all encompassing, a bottomless pit. She has self esteem gaps that you cannot heal. She has to want to do that herself.
For some of us SM's it feels like the husband is having an affair with his DD when the daughter is not parented and acts like a mini-wife. But that does not sound the case here - they have not even met.
A woman with strong self-esteem and maturity would recognize that the love that a father has for his daughter is not the same as the love he has for his wife, and that is ok.
Your wife needs therapy to heal her wounds. You also say you wish you had never married your wife. You still have the option to move forward with a new life.
DAAAAAMMM sueu2, I don't
DAAAAAMMM sueu2, I don't often agree with you, but I will admit I was ready to jump on the run for the hills this woman is crazy train until you so eloquently said it. It's crazy how emotions cloud our responses sometimes. I agree though, we don't know the other side of things and as many of us know the issues with disney dads and mini-wifes, this could possibly well be one of those situations. I would be curious to hear the other side. Although I would never tell a man to abandon their child(I would bounce first), there could very well be a reason for this womans madness, so to speak.
False representations - she
False representations - she basically lied to you in order to seal the deal.
Without knowing more about the situation and only from what you have shared - I don't know how you could morally stay with this woman knowing that she is has given you an ultimatum of either her or see your daughter. If she dislikes your parenting style then assess whether or not you have any share in her decision. But either way, a woman who gives that kind of ultimatum - has bigger issues than being jealous of your child - she is on the path of being a controller and master manipulator. Save yourself. Annulment.
She is Eastern European, I
She is Eastern European, I think she has insecurity issues.
Based on your description of
Based on your description of your wife there are bigger issues at hand here.
Why would you marry a woman who had not met your daughter? Especially one so young.
Why wouldn't you put your foot down and say, this is my child and I will see her and parent her?
How quickly did you marry her that you didn't see the red flags before hand?
In all honesty, I think you should probably help her into counseling(your wife) and really think about your future with or without her. You cannot allow someone to dictate your life with your child and with any future children you may want to have. Especially if it was understood prior to marriage that you wanted more children. She has told you where she stands. Now its up to you to decide if you want to conform to what she asks for(I find unreasonable, but I assume she has some mental health problems that cloud her judgement) or just walk away and take this as a lesson learned.
I will share a bit of my childhood with you, I can tell you where this will lead:
My dad was the kind of father that allowed his SO to tell him how and what relationship he can have with his kids. Before "getting married" (for us marriage is when you move in and have kids and ceremony(not necessarily the legal marriage more spiritual) She was an ANGEL, I mean was super nice to my sis and I, that lasted all of 3 months. She got pregnant, moved in and our HELL started that same exact day. But my dad didn't want to see the bad, he preferred to allow what happened to us than to take a stand for his children. Within a year, she had restricted my dads communication with his two oldest sons(from his first "marriage") And completely forbade him to see his younger son(one right before her first daughter with him). She would threaten harm to herself and us if he would ever disobey her. I won't make excuses for my dad, he was a shitty dad for allowing this. Sure she was raised in the US while dad was a foreigner and believed she could do him harm legally over complete crap. But that is besides the point. He was shitty father, for a very long time. This woman hated us so much for the simple fact that we existed that we lived lives most here would say is fake because it is quite unbelievable. She emotionally and physically abused us daily, and had male friends sexually molest us from ages 5 and 3. Long story short and after years of abuse guess what happened. My dad started to have health issues, she didn't want to be there for him and she left and married another man.
It took years to repair the relationship my father had with all of his children. To this day it isn't fully repaired.
What I am trying to say is, you may not want another divorce on your record, but living a life with a woman like this will only shorten yours. Your child will resent you for abandoning her, because even the simple fact that you have to see her by sneaking around is extremely shitty and she will remember that. The one brother we have that my dad had to sneak to see completely hates him. And I can't blame him for that. Oh and after she left she tried really hard to poison the kids they had together against him. Lucky for him those where the only two kids he actually treated like humans and they see him as a good dad to an extent.
Its not worth it.
--Why would you marry a woman
--Why would you marry a woman who had not met your daughter? Especially one so young.
It was my mistake for marrying some one so young, I was in another country on studies, before we got married I told her about my daughter I told her if she was ok with that, she said it was ok, after I got married I came back to US and filed for her, so it took time.
--Why wouldn't you put your foot down and say, this is my child and I will see her and parent her?
I have told her, she is my daughter and I want a relationship
I am going to see a psychologist and find out this monday.
"I am going to see a
"I am going to see a psychologist and find out this monday."
That is a good start. Based on what you say I think you should really consider cutting your loses. I don't know how any man could love a woman who is this nasty to his children. To be honest I don't know how or why you would even want children with someone so unstable. If you have children with her you will most likely want your daughter to meet her siblings and with this woman, she will miss out.
I think you should continue to have a relationship with your child. Your wife is a grown adult, although young, still has the choice to walk away. She can scream and cry about it all she wants.
My dad just legally married someone for the second time in his life. And she is younger than most of his kids are. Am talking 24, he's 53. only one child is younger than her, he has 7 children. But even he had me meet her in person before he married her. He spoke to all his kids and got opinions from all of us. All favorable of course. Sometimes age is just a number and it doesn't matter. But they have been dating for 4 years now and in his country its the norm to see young women with older men and older women with younger men. She definitely has things that remind you she is so young but she is quite mature for her age in other personality traits.
I just want to add that no
I just want to add that no stepmother on here has ever been supported in insisting their husband never see a troublesome stepchild. Even the most powerfully avoidant stepmother tells her husband he needs to see his child outside her home/presence.
This woman has gone beyond the pale by insisting he drop his own minor child. It doesn't matter what the dad's and daughter's relationship is like. The smom can only remove herself from that mess, not the dad.
Few days back I raised the
Few days back I raised the issue, saying I would like to see my daughter, she flipped totally. she screamed yesterday.
She is not eating any food.
Yesterday she said she could not take it any more and grabbed a serated knife and sliced her hand, she then went ahead and grabbed a kitchen knife to slice her hand, I grabbed it, I would have cut my hands in the process.
I wanted to call 911 and call cops.
What to do guys should I just divorce her and move on, I love her but this is too much.
I went and met the psychologist she said, my wife has to get therapy. My wife does not agree to therapy or anything else.
We have no other problem than this issue about seeing my daughter.
I could not get in to her head and understand.
No, no, no, no, no, no. No.
No, no, no, no, no, no. No. You do not have "no other problem" but your daughter.
This woman picked up a knife. She cut flesh. She involved you in a knife fight. Don't care that it was allegedly "only" against herself. It was a knife fight and terrible things could have happened, including you being the one charged.
She's not eating, either.
Sir, you have to face it that your wife is disordered. Save yourself. Leave. Mail the divorce papers to her later. Don't let her know your address.
I am telling you straight to your face so you can't misunderstand: you are in danger. Either she will physically harm you or she will harm herself and you will be blamed. She is already harming you emotionally and mentally. She is harming your daughter. GET OUT. NOW.
This a 1000 times over
This a 1000 times over
This isn't even a decision.
This isn't even a decision. Dump this toxic idiot and have a relationship with your daughter. Never again engage with a partner who does not behave in every way as your equity life partner.
Take care of you. Don't worry about her. Let her fade in your rear view mirror as you move on in your life.
Call the locksmith now to rekey the locks and put her crap on the curb.
Good luck.
Good point. Fingers crossed
Good point. Fingers crossed that he still can.