ADHD/Mild Learning Disability = Bad Behaviors!
Hi there, everyone! I've been lurking these forums for awhile, getting used to the acronyms and terms used around here. Thanks to this community, I learned the concept of "disengaging," and recently had to enact it - at least partially, with my 10 year old SS.
That being said, my SS has a diagnosis of a mild learning disability and ADHD. He is 10 and cannot read. Not a word, not a line. He's had substantial help in that department, with a teaching aid by his side every day in school, and also a few months of very costly tutoring by a professional organization. Neither has really gotten him up to speed. To add to his problems, my SD has a very addictive personality. He is absolutely hooked on online gaming. He twitches out when he isn't playing, is constantly begging to play, and can't focus on anything else. He has no judgement about right and wrong, and is hooked on first person shooter games. To be honest, it scares me at times.
His behaviors have started getting out of hand lately. He has gotten into two fights at school. He was suspended for the first fight for two days. The 2nd fight, he lied about and was caught, but not really punished. He had a giant goose egg on his head. He told his teaching assistant that his sister did it, and also stated that she put his arm into the fireplace and burned him. (The burn happened when he tripped and fell into the fireplace and inadvertently burned his arm on top of the closed fireplace.) Next thing we know, the authorities were involved. The Ministry of Child and Protective Services then told us that we can no longer leave my SD alone with my SS. We know for a fact that SD didn't harm SS, and of course, we know where the burn came from. SD says she seen SS fighting at school, and we are pretty sure that's where the goose egg came from. We have explained to SS that if he continues making up these stories, he could be taken away from us and that he would have to go live with strangers. I think he finally understands, but doesn't really understand how much his negative behaviors are effecting the family, so his negative behaviors tend to just transform into other things.
SS has a morning routine that he is expected to follow. He is to wake up, get dressed, take his meds (ADHD,) eat breakfast, and can watch TV without youtube, and without games until we are up. We have limited internet up here, so if he is sneaking Youtube and Gaming, he can run our internet bill through the roof. Lately, we've been catching him sneaking gaming in before we are both up, or when DH is outside working.
After the Ministry got involved, I had it with his behaviors. I read these forums, and after much thought, told DH I am disengaging for awhile with him. I am very worried about his addictive habits and behavioral issues progressing into something much worse later on. We have tried changing his meds, and he has been put back on a medication that seems to help the behaviors, but really decreases his appetite. It's a tough balance, because he is very very skinny and needs his appetite, but the behaviors are getting out of control.
Is there anyone else out there with experience with children who tell stories at school, or children with ADHD? I sometimes don't even believe that ADHD is behind the behaviors. Before my SS was in my life, I was more inclined to think that ADHD is over diagnosed in society. But I can't think of what else might be causing one child to be so well behaved and the other one to be a nightmare half the time.
We only have the skids at our place for 3 days a week. We have a bit of a unique situation. We share custody with DH's parents. BM is not involved and lives in another town. That whole situation is another story for another day, but the grandparents live just down the street, and the kids are happy there, so we've agreed to keep custody the way it is, as long as the kids are happy with the arrangement. And they state that they are. That being said, current circumstances don't seem to be an issue. If anything, the kids are somewhat spoiled. I sometimes feel that past circumstances may be at fault for some of SS's behaviors, but it's hard to say.
Anyways, I just felt like sharing some frustrations. Thanks for listening.
... my SS has a diagnosis of
... my SS has a diagnosis of a mild learning disability and ADHD. He is 10 and cannot read. Not a word, not a line....
Young children often tell stories that do not reflect reality. But, SS is ten. And, at ten, if you cannot read a word, your disability is more than mild. His behavior and academic progress do not reflect mild disability. SS needs a complete reevaluation.
Not sure how to get this done where you live. Here we'd start with the pediatrician.
I agree with notarelative,
I agree with notarelative, sounds like much more than a mild disability... especially the part about not being able to read a word. As for the behaviour issues, I wouldn't chock that up to ADHD. Quite honestly, my 5 year old stepdaughter has ADHD (so does my husband) and she's the most well-behaved little girl. She just gets so incredibly distracted sometimes. But it's nothing a quick few reminders can't resolve. And she gets fairly hyper sometimes, but again, it's easily resolved by a reminder to relax and quite down when we're indoors. Her ADHD certainly doesn't make her misbehave - just makes her quirky and forgetful.
Maybe your stepson has a severe case of ADHD but in reality it sounds like someone is making excuses for his behaviour and it's much, much more than ADHD and a learning disability. Where is dad in all of this?
Thank you both for your
Thank you both for your replies. I believe my Mother-in-law (side note here, we aren't even married yet, I'm just not sure what acronym, if any to use for a fiance on here,) has brought SS back to his doctor recently to have his meds changed. Whether he was completely reevaluated or not, I'm not sure. You can probably guess already that half the problem here is lack of communication between the mother in law and us. She is a great lady with great intentions, but she insists on control in all things. Hence, SS and SD matters often get taken care of solely by her and I sort of get told things as an after thought.
Dad, fiance, DH - whatever his title shall be, demonstrates many of the behaviors typical of a biological parent. He makes excuses for both kid's behaviors when they are bad. I do tell him this, and sometimes he does acknowledge it. He is aware of how much SS is behind in life and wants to do his best to help him. I think he simply doesn't know what to do. The mother in law situation really ties his hands. I've already said before that we need to communicate more with his mother regarding what to do about SS. Maybe a good sit down conversation with the three of us is necessary.
Thank you for reaffirming my belief that something more than a "mild" disability is going on! I think I will pester my fiance a bit more to get him reevaluated.
Thanks again for the replies and advice.
My SD is 15 and has some mild
My SD is 15 and has some mild developmental delays.
I'm not sure how common that is, but there are times my SD refuses to read out loud or answer questions on tests at school. She would rather look like she didn't study or isn't paying attention, then risk looking stupid or admitting she doesn't know what a word means.
It's been difficult to determine her reading level. She can read at maybe a 4th or 5th grade school level, but she doesn't like to and getting her to work on it has been next to impossible.
I feel your pain. I have two
I feel your pain. I have two SSs. Both have learning disabilities, although it's unclear what their diagnoses are. Both seem fairly capable academically, but one definitely struggles with working memory. The other is diagnosed with ADHD, but I'm skeptical. He doesn't take medication when he is with us and he is not out of control. My DH has ADHD and is not currently medicated and I definitely notice when he is showing symptoms of his ADHD, to the point where we're going to see a counselor about how to modify his behavior. The SS diagnosed with ADHD also does not show the same sort of hyperfocus as my DH and can concentrate on things in noisy environments (I was working on homework with him by phone. It was so noisy in the background that I could barely focus on what he was saying, but he had no problem following along), when my DH needs complete quiet in order to focus on anything. BM uses SS's ADHD and his ADHD medication as an excuse for everything - didn't turn in his homework? It's because he forgot his medication or his medication was wrong. He hasn't been turning in his homework all year (hence, the working on homework with him by phone). Can't behave in class? It wasn't him, it was the other kids. My fear is that ADHD is an easy excuse for him not to do anything. I've worked with him and he's not the best reader, but he has decent fluency and decent comprehension. He can also do math, he just needs someone to force him to do it (when he works with BM on homework she does all the math work for him, as evidenced by the fact that she writes on his homework papers). He doesn't work hard at things he supposedly loves (like sports), so how can you tell if he has a disability or if he's just lazy? As I mentioned, DH has ADHD and he also has a processing disorder, but his behavior is more like his other son. DH tells me he didn't get in trouble in class and always handed in his homework. So, it's not as if I'm discounting that the first SS could have a disability, it's just that I think the first SS might be miscategorized and I don't think his disabilities should be used as an excuse for why he should get a free pass. BM loves to throw this in DH's face, that the kids struggle because he passed on his disabilities to them and also loves to use their disabilities as an excuse when the children don't want to work hard. They are only in elementary school now and I already spend a lot of time doing homework with them, even though they only live with us every other weekend. I feel like it's going to be a rough road ahead. My SS are in elementary school now and I'm not looking forward to middle school or high school.
This child is not being
This child is not being properly disciplined, either in his father's home or at his grandparents home and that's why he is exhibiting these behaviors. A kid who lies and calls child protective services gets to watch you smash his video game system. This child needs to be in a constant state of punished to absolute misery (with no physical violence of course) until he starts behaving normally. There is nothing about ADHD or any severity of learning disability that SS may or may not have that would in anyway indicate a predisposition to the type of behavior that he is exhibiting. His actions are not related to his disorders and they should not be used excuses.
And I recommend getting some in home security cameras. They can protect you and SD from anything else he wishes to allege.