Advice Needed for Disengagement from a Stepdaughter
I have been a long time reader and this is my first post. I want to state I really think what you all do and have to deal with at times is commendable and not always easy or recognized. I am a quasi step-daughter (As my father is in a long-term relationship but not married) and I could really use some advice as to how to be respectful but also disengaged.
I am in my mid-30s live on my own and have a full time job. I do not depend on my father for anything. My mother passed away about 5 years ago. My relationship with my father has not been an easy one since she was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. He was unable to handle the situation. In return everyone including myself enabled him which caused him to make disastrous emotional and financial decisions after her death. To say the least my brother, sister, and I had to become the adults in the situation and parent him. But you can't tell a 60+ person what to do so all we could do was watch what happened and wait until he hit rock bottom. That came about 1.5 years ago. This is his 3rd relationship since my mother's death. The second one was the worst. He sold the house got rid of all the contents (stuff that were childhood memories and some heirlooms I would have liked to of have) cashed in all his retirement funds and moved across the country. Once the money ran out she left him. My siblings and I had to be the ones to pick up the pieces. I.E. Bail him out financially. He claimed bankruptcy for the THIRD time in his life. He makes awful financial decisions. As you can see I have a lot of resentment towards him and this is just the tip of the iceberg that has occurred. I can write an entire novel as to the issues we have. We are working on our relationship and I am coming to terms with who he is knowing I cannot change him.
He is now with a new person for about 1.5 years I believe (not really sure as he tends to lie to avoid getting called on the carpet). I believe she has good intentions but our first meeting did not go well. My father and I were in a really bad place. He and her just came up to visit my niece last year because she was just born. I will call her "L". L kind of took over. She was constantly holding my niece and not letting others spend time with her. (This was my first visit seeing the baby and I really wanted to bond with her. Throughout the visit all she would talk about was what her children were like their accomplishments. Tried to speak for my father. Bragged about all the trips they were going on and the new cell phone she bought him and gave him a credit card. What was the worst is I knew my dad has zero money so she was paying for everything. That was really hard when they tried to pay for dinner. I also became offended when she asked my sister and I if my dad owed us any money. That is between us and she had no right asking in my opinion.
Finally, last Mother's Day there was a big blowup with my sister, myself, and my father. (I won't go into details) Suffice to say my dad told her his side of the story and she then emailed us telling us how awful we were by not forgiving our father and that we need to be better daughters and he is a changed man. We politely responded and said this is an issue that goes back YEARS and she does not have the full picture. In so many words we asked her to butt out of the situation.
Well now she came by herself into town and asked if I wanted to get dinner this week. I actually am completely busy and did not have time. I texted her back and explained the situation and said I look forward to seeing you and my dad this Saturday at my niece's birthday. I believe she got offended with my text message. As her response was well I thought we could get together since I am in town. My issue is that I don't want to have a relationship with her. She is my dad's SO and if he is happy that is all that matters. I am polite, civil, and will be cordial when I see her but that is it. I won't exclude her from family functions that my dad is also invited to and I will treat her with respect. However, I don't feel the need to have a personal relationship.
I read a lot about step-parents disengaging. Is there was correct way for a step-daughter to disengage? I don't want to be rude or this to cause any drama. We live far apart and don't see each other often.
Thank you if you read this to the end. I know it was a lot. I am honestly looking for advice how to move forward and set some boundaries.
Thank you. I have so much
Thank you. I have so much respect for SM because I think about if my mom was to pass away when I was younger my father would have tried to pawn us off on another female as he is incapable of parenting. I really don't know how I would have turned out. I probably would have been one of the problem children I read about here.
I do think she us "nuts" bc
I do think she us "nuts" bc my dad it the epitome of red flags I read about on this site. No one should be with him. He has way too many issues. But he keeps finding these women that want to take care of him. I just shake my head. Yeah they kept inviting me the last time to a musical in the city but her kids would be there as well. I kindly, declined. I am sure her children are nice but I just have no desire to get to know any of them.
I actually do hope they get married for selfish reasons. She would be his next of kin and can take all the financial responsibility away from me if something should happen to him. He use to have a life insurance policy that would cover any funeral costs when the time comes but he let it lapse so now he has nothing. With all his medical issues he can't get coverage. And now that he has no money It will be my siblings and my responsibility to pay if something should happen. I joked with him he is getting cremated and ashes put in the ocean because funerals are way too expensive }:)
I am polite, civil, and will
I am polite, civil, and will be cordial when I see her but that is it. I won't exclude her from family functions that my dad is also invited to and I will treat her with respect. However, I don't feel the need to have a personal relationship.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Just keep doing what you are doing and hope that she will get the hint when you keep turning her down. If she keeps pushing a relationship that you don't want to have, you might have to find a way to tell her what you've said here.
My dad has been married to his wife for 30+ years. I get along with her, am polite to her, respect the fact that she's my dad's wife (and mother of my two brothers) but I don't care for her as a person. We certainly do not "do" lunch or anything else, just the two of us.
You hit the nail on the head
You hit the nail on the head with everything. Thanks for the great advice. I am sure the party will be fine as many people will be there and I am leaving early because I have another birthday party that evening.
I feel so sad for you that
I feel so sad for you that you have had to be the parent to your Dad. You couldn't have been too old when you took on that responsibility so it must have been quite a burden while you were trying to make a life for yourself. Can't blame you if you feel resentment but try to let it go.
My Mother has been just awful to me all of my life. I finally accepted the fact that she is not going to change and the only one who was suffering over our relationship was me - she could care less. Probably like your Father. I am almost 70 years old and just recently realized how much time I was wasting on rehashing bad memories. I know you are a lot younger than me. Ask yourself if you want to waste any more time resenting him or do you want to let it go and have happy life. Give yourself the gift of happiness.
As far as your SM. I agree with all of the other posters. She is not your Dad's SO - she is his mother, and she is placing you in the same boat. She has no right to ask you any questions about the relationship with you and your Dad. You are very wise to be cordial and respect her as your Fathers partner. Kindly tell her you prefer to have personal conversations with your father only. Tell her only once. Refuse any further discussions about it. Deliver the same message to your Father. Then maintain emotional distance, be polite, nothing else. If she continues to try to push herself into you and your Father's private business, you might have to disengage entirely. She sounds like a toxic individual.
The very best luck to you. You deserve a good life. (((HUGS)))
Or you could frame this a
Or you could frame this a whole different way. You mention it is a relief to think of someone else taking over caring for your dad. Well, here is a woman, complete with a nightingale complex willing and able to do so! Perhaps you should welcome her with open arms and go out of your way to be friendly and accept her invitations. Small price to pay for the relief of knowing someone else is doing the work end of watching after him, at least for awhile. And when she asks how much he owes you ask sweetly 'why do you ask'? She probably wants to settle those debts for him as well so smile sweetly and ad a 0 to the balance and gladly accept!
Your sm is a little off
Your sm is a little off because your dad is no prize (which you already know). If your dad was all that and a bag of chips he'd undoubtedly find a better woman.
So I like your attitude that you hope she sticks around so you kids can be relieved of some responsibility for trainwreck dad. So be polite and cordial and keep reminding yourself, "dad needs a keeper - she's volunteered."
As for her making intrusive comments do what my dh does. Instead of saying that's nunya bidness, which she will take as an insult when in her eyes she is trying to do something good for you by seeing to it that you are paid back, just say things like, "thanks for your concern, that's so nice, I appreciate your kindness, etc." She will feel appreciated and may not notice she's not got an answer. If forced to say something more definitive, say "I couldn't possibly get into dad's business - I'm sure the two of you want your privacy." See? Make it about you respecting HER.
Finally, your dad is a grownup. Not only do you not have to manage his life, you don't have to force a relationship with a man who causes you nothing but trouble. You can distance yourself altogether. See them once a year, if at all. The upside is if you pull away from Dad this woman is more likely to marry him as "he is all alone in this world." Win-win for everybody.
Whatever you decide to do,
Whatever you decide to do, stay true to your self. If you have no desire to have a relationship with her, then keep it professionally cordial. You get to choose your relationships in life. That is the beauty of relationships...it takes two people, willing, to engage with each other.....
although you will be at events because it is a relationship based on circumstances, there is no reason for you to pursue something you do not really desire...that would be dishonest...to you, and her. It is best to be honest up front......Peace
I never give advice to
I never give advice to SD's..... but to you...
I would say simply block this woman from contacting you, the fact she's playing house with your father does not mean you have to call her Mum.... She's a stranger to you, simply block her from contacting you.
Then go on with your life.
Thanks all... The visit went
Thanks all... The visit went semi-ok I have learned I cannot speak to my father alone as she will jump in and speak for him. He recently got a part time job so I was asking about the benefits and we got on a discussion about Life Insurance since he let his last policy lapse. He has nothing of value but none of my siblings or I have money for a costly funeral when the time comes.
Well she jumps in and says I will take care of him. I told her that is all nice but you have no legal obligation to him and it falls on my siblings and me to make all those decisions. Apparently, she is giving him money in an account somewhere. My father never mentioned this to any of us and my brother is the Executor of his will. When I tried to have a conversation regarding Medicare and which plan he chose I asked him if he did a cost benefit analysis of having a high deductible over a lower deductible since he has a lot of health issues. Again I was cut off and said I work in the field I am an expert and told him which plan to take. Did I over step my bounds having these talks with him? I am a worrier by nature so these are things I struggle with. I did send an apology email to the both of them if I overstepped after discussing it with my friends. They felt I overstepped and it was not my place.
The biggest thing that happened is my mom's sister "R" was at the party (she is like a second mom to me) I asked if anyone heard from "S" the other sister as she is mentally unstable and was curious is she reached out to my sister. R said she had not heard in from her in a while and asked if I have spoken to her. I said not since the last blow up on my Birthday. Well L butts in and calls her disturbed. Mind you this women has never met or interacted with her. She is just hearing stories from my father who tends to exaggerate. R immediately left the room before she started an argument. Its one of those old sayings "I can call my sister names but if I hear anyone else bad mouth her I will defend her tooth and nail"
So glad I won't have to see her again for a while. I spent the time with my nephew and my sister's in-laws. Once all the kids showed up I left pretty soon after. All the screaming gave me a headache.
You father is a big boy now,
You father is a big boy now, he's chosen someone who's willing to pick up the pieces and take care of him. Let her do it. It's his right if he wants her to deal with his end of life arrangements and current healthcare. You're his child not his mother/spouse/wife/keeper.
So she's giving him money in an account, none of you or your brothers business. Why would you even need to know about that, so you can pounce on it when he dies? Drop the reigns and get out of their business.
And don't be surprised if your father changes his will and doesn't tell you about it. The more you meddle the more they will make sure you are legally on the outside. I would not push it with this woman, she sounds like a smart cookie who has her sh*t together.
You have good advice. This is
You have good advice. This is why I came here. I am not always right and its good to get another perspective. I do have to learn to step back and that is one of my faults. I think where my issue and hurt came from not so much from the LI where I can see I overstepped. It was more from trying to have a conversation with him about life in general and he was excited to tell me about Medicare and what plan he chose. So we were debating the different types. (There were a few of us in the conversation) and when I asked him any type of question as I am a little knowledgeable but by no means an expert L would jump in and answer for him and not let him respond when the question was directed at him.
I am happy he has someone. He is not the type of person to be alone and that does not bother me. I would love for my relationship to be better with my father but in honesty that will never be. If he changes his will fine by me and my siblings. I don't want any money from him. I will just be happy if he doesn't leave me in any debt. That was why I asked about the LI policy. which again I now know I was wrong and will never bring up. I believe she has a good heart and comes from a good place but just tries too hard to tell me how my father is different and she changed him. I wish he would communicate those things with me and not her. Its hard to forget 30+ years of experience and history by someone else telling me how he has changed when I do not see any of it as he still lies to me on a constant basis.
Thanks for the update, by the
Thanks for the update, by the way.
Also, btw, my mother is an extremely difficult person. Haven't spoken to her in decades. But before I developed that very good boundary she had a long term boyfriend. (My father passed when I was a child). He was fine. Why he liked her, I couldn't imagine. But he made absolutely no ruffles in my world. We were all polite and friendly when thrown together. I had no idea what their financial arrangements were between them. As it should be.
Give it a try!
Can't you just be glad your
Can't you just be glad your dad has someone who seems to care for him. Can't you just respect his choice of a SO that he has made and is happy with. Can't you judge this lady (who seems willing to take on his burdens) as an individual. She has tried to reach out to you. It's true she does not share the family history, yet this is today - the here and now. If he is happy, and you are happy in your life and your choices, can't you let go of any 'who the hell d'you you sre' thoughts to work with her instead of cutting her out? You come across as a kind, reasonable person and yet it seems you cannot take her commitment to your dad seriously. Look into your heart. Is it a personal dislike of the character or of the situation?
I am glad he has someone. I
I am glad he has someone. I guess is more a personal dislike of the character as I find her very abrasive and outspoken and sometimes doesn't think before she speaks her mind. She came on extremely strong in the beginning trying to fix my siblings and our relationship with our father and I took offense to that. She still tries but not as bad I won't engage with that aspect. Its not the situation at all. He has always had someone and that does not bother me.
I see where I was wrong and have apologized to the both of them. I truly hope they work out. I didn't mean to be disrespectful to her and if I am I will always own up to it and try and make it right.
Take a lesson from Aunt R:
Take a lesson from Aunt R: just drop it. Leave the room when necessary.
Now change your relationship with your dad. You are treating him like he is your child. While he may have shown you that he is irresponsible, he is still not your child. Stop talking to him about Medicaid and insurance and bank accounts. If you were my adult kid I wouldn't want you asking me about it.
So develop different topics of conversation with him from now on. How 'bout them Cubbies!?! Do news, sports, and weather with his girlfriend and keep it all light and breezy. You may discover when all this pressure and tension is dropped that she has qualities you like. Maybe a quirky sense of humor or something.
Dad has to take care of his own affairs. How ever did he manage before you kids were born?
Very good advice. I tend
Very good advice.
I tend to over compensate and see that is my own issue. He brought up the Medicare with me and we were just debating the different plans. I just became upset that L would respond for him when I asked a question. We were in the middle of the discussion when she came into the room so wasn't fully aware of all the topics. In retrospect I should have said ok and left the room which is what I did as soon as she told me she was an expert and I told him what to do.
I see I was definitely wrong about the LI Policy and that is why I sent both them a text apologizing for overstepping.
To answer your questions my father has never been on his own he went from his mother, sister, first wife, my mother, and then to different girlfriends. Its just hard to stop worrying about him. I am not perfect but will try better in the future. You have excellent advice about leaving the room. Sometimes I did just that and other times I succumbed to my defenses.
I hope they work out and have a happy life. I may not care for her but he is happy and in reality that is all that matters. My sister keeps telling me that we are left off the hook if she wants to spend all her money and energy on him let her. Its one less thing we have to worry about. More good advice. Not I just need to listen to it.
You do sound like quite a
You do sound like quite a lovely person. I wish you the best. Letting go is one of the hardest lessons we can learn. Ask me how I know.