Tired of being last
I'm near my breaking point. I've struggled for 10 years to be a good mate, to be supportive to the point of being taken advantage of, to put DH first, and to try to be understanding that I am not always going to be DH's top priority, but I believe that I do deserve to be put first from time to time but that never seems to happen.
I have never been included by DH in his family's holiday celebrations, but he has always been considered part of the family by my siblings and mother. Yesterday, I was discussing plans for Easter with him. I was telling him the dishes that I planned to take to my mother's and asked if there was anything special he'd like to have. His response, "I'll have to get back to you on whether I'm going or not. I have to find out what MY FAMILY is doing and what my daughter wants to do."
Am I being overly sensitive because I feel like he's putting me on the back burner to see if a better offer comes along, that after 10 years he doesn't feel like my family is his family too, and that I am not considered FAMILY?
Agree with DirtyDiane. You
Agree with DirtyDiane. You are his WIFE! Wife=family. If he doesnt see that and accept and promote that, then Im so sorry sweetie but you have a huge problem to overcome.
Read her older forum
Read her older forum posts.
https://www.steptalk.org/node/233001
https://www.steptalk.org/node/233345
Yikes. I am always welcome at
Yikes.
I am always welcome at my DH's family things. We do try to find out what each side is planning though before we make concrete plans to attend one, the other or both. Not geographically compatible to be two places in one day.
No, you are not being
No, you are not being overly-sensitive. A mutually respective relationship is like a bank: You make deposits and you make withdrawals. When the withdrawals outweigh the deposits you go broke.
It is obvious his family is not accepting of you but your family welcomes DH as part of their family. A sad result of this is that this situation will probably not change. But you can change your view of this. The thing you need to ask yourself is do you really want to be around his family. They could be doing you a favor.
DH should be able to see his family but it has to be balanced with events with your family. He should not be continually placing you on the back burner and "get back to you" making you wait and wait for his answer. Give him a short while to make up his mind. It should only take a couple of hours to determine whether his family is having an event. If he cannot decide don't play the game. Arrange to go to your family event by yourself. If he has to sit home, let him.
Had you previously discussed
Had you previously discussed Easter plans and agreed to go to your family's? If it was the first he heard about your intentions for Easter, then I can sort of see his response. It is still not a good response though.
But the bigger picture is that you feel last in his life. That is a horrible place to be. I've been there. Lots of us have. Your DH needs to know how you feel. Either a heart to heart with him, or counseling, or something else has to happen so you can discuss it in a way that he actually hears you. Then if he still won't change his apparent priorities, then you have other decisions to make.
When you say your DH hasn't included you in his family's holidays, do you literally mean that you don't go with him on Christmas/Thanksgiving/etc.? Or do you go and you are ignored? Either way is no good, but being left alone on holidays is particularly terrible.
You can't force his family to accept you as family, and you can't force him to accept your family as his family. But you can have expectations for how a husband treats his partner, that's for sure.
DH has a large family. He is
DH has a large family. He is the 2nd oldest of 10 children. When his family get together, there around 40 to 60 people in attendance. For the first several years we were together, I did attend. I never fit in very well. They are not a very educated group, yet they are very judgemental and skeptical of everyone. After I disengaged from SD,and his brother verbally assaulted my mother over the phone in an attempt to tell me off,I quit going to their gatherings.
DH had discussed Easter plans last week abs he indicated that he was excited to go with me to my family's because he was liking forward to meeting my niece's new boyfriend that we had heard so much about. Then,suddenly, he doesn't know if he's going or not.
I'm just really sad.
That really blows. My SO has
That really blows. My SO has a large family as well that I don't really have much in common with either. He is the baby and most of the family are 10 or more years older than both of us. Its quite hard to not sit there in silence when you have nothing in common.
But I too would not go somewhere if his family member insulted one of mine. Have you told your DH how you feel?
Honestly, that would be my suggestion. Tell him exactly how you feel and how his words make you feel. He may not even realize he makes you feel this way, although he should know but men sometimes aren't very bright lol. I've learned with My SO NEVER keep anything in. NEVER assume he knows what I want or how I feel. It leads to heartbreak and disappointment.
Yes, I left him for a while
Yes, I left him for a while because of her. He made promises, only some of which he's kept, to get me to come back. The really sorry post is that I still love him, and that's why this is still dragging on. I'm not deluding myself. I don't think he'll ever really change, but I guess I a little bit of a coward and don't want to be alone because I do love him.
Time to go to a therapist on
Time to go to a therapist on your own, find out why you have such a low opinion of yourself, and discuss what you can do to feel confident enough to set boundaries with your DH. Please make the call soon.
Madhatter stop punishing
Madhatter stop punishing yourself, in the future, simply do what you want to do, attend your family gathering without even talking to DH about it, prepare things you and your family likes, eff DH.....
Start living your own life, if you want to go out, go out, don't even talk to him about it, he clearly knows you will always ask and talk to him about it, and then he enjoys telling you ... let's hear what my family are doing....
don't give him that satisfaction.
I did it for a year, SO got a wake up call lol - he was just as your DH, always his family... I simply started doing my own thing, planing my own thing with my family... SO got angry cause what should he tell his family, where am I - I laughed and said I give a shit, tell them what ever you want....
Now we alter holidays and SO has no problem with it.