How do you let go of resentment...I just want to move forward and be free.
We have my SS10 full time. Mom is barely involved. I have never met her and she has never been welcoming or appreciative.
I do all the mom stuff for him and I am there for him as much as I can.
Everything is great. I have two baby boys with my DH.
It does get emotionally tiring for me at times when I take care of my SS and he either doesn't appreciate it. Sometimes I even feel anger because his mom doesn't even pay child support. From what I hesrd, she lives a selfish lifestyle, and I am here working my butt off to make sure her son has a happy home and she gets to be disney mom when SS visits her.
Some days I can't help but feel resentful towards my SS. The start of my relationship with DH was not an easy adjustment and alot of our arguments rooted from BM and SS. These memories just pop out of nowhere and haunt me.
I really want to let go but I don't know how..anyone feel this way too? or anyone who actually overcame this problem?
Some days it is so hard to
Some days it is so hard to see the good that comes with being a step mom lol..
and the only way to survive is to let go of things you can't control and disengage when you need to.
Me too! That's exactly how I
Me too! That's exactly how I feel right now
I love my SO, and BM has
I love my SO, and BM has 50/50 so we have a bit of a break, however when the SD17 is in the house even 10 minutes, she causes ruckus, turmoil, with her rudeness, attitude, loud demanding demeanor. She is an energy suck, and I don't know when it will end! She turns 18 in a few weeks, and has no job, no license, and SO will be giving her a car. She is lazy, mean, dirty, rude, and did I mention mean? And she is a liar about EVERYTHING. The BM doesn't contribute much except health insurance and babysitting time.
So - yes, I feel resentment that even with 50/50, we have to spend our money on them and their needs and I pretty much take care of myself. I do live in a nice large home and for that I am grateful. And when there are no kids its really really nice and peaceful (crackling fireplace, a glass of wine, music playing, etc.)
Its hard to let go, and just be grateful and happy, when its an all the time thing. BM havinga nice lifestyle - well isn't that awesome for her!!!!!
So true, gratitude and love
So true, gratitude and love gets you through everything thanks
So true thank you for the
So true thank you for the reminder
YES
YES
***droooolz***
***droooolz***
I perfectly understand that.
I perfectly understand that. One of my quests in life is to find the most perfect bowl of French Onion Soup. Because of the cheese. The best I found is at a little bistro in Miami Beach.
Zing Zang bloody Mary with a
Zing Zang bloody Mary with a bacon garnish... Is it happy hour yet??
I think it all starts with
I think it all starts with your husband/SO.
For me, I sat my husband down and explained to him that when he split from BM, unfortunately, he lost the only other person on earth who will have endless patience and tolerance for their child. I told him that biologically, the only people who can endlessly give to a child is the child's parents. I told him that parenting is a thankless job, and when the child isn't yours, it's very, very difficult to avoid resentment. Once he got around that fact, I told him what makes me feel resentful and what doesn't.
IE. I feel resentful when I have to give up sleeping in for my stepdaughter. I feel resentful when I get stuck at home on a night where all my friends are getting together. I feel resentful when I can never get a moment of quiet time. I feel resentful when my things are rifled through or touched without my permission. That's honestly about it. Everything else, I'm pretty ay-okay about lol.
I love my stepdaughter in a way. I enjoy spending time with her, playing with her, taking her to the park/beach, I don't even mind that a lot of my income goes towards her. My husband and I share money and I make the much higher income between us as a couple so I'm actually paying more for her than either of her parents. But I don't mind those things.
My list of things that make me resentful is quite short, so my husband works with me on those. He's the one who gets up with SD in the morning. He doesn't expect me to watch her and he doesn't guilt me for going out on the weekend. He is very quick to notice when I'm getting fed up with the endless chatter and sends SD to play upstairs or tells her it's quiet time. He NEVER lets her go in our room without one of us there so she doesn't touch my stuff.
These are all SUCH small things that don't get in the way of SD and I building a relationship - I'm still there for her and I'm still a MAJOR part of her life. But they're adjustments he made because he realizes that she's not a special snowflake to me - she's not mine. It makes it SO much easier to live with her full-time because I know my husband has my back and he's not in denial that I should do all the things parents do 100% of the time.
If SD starts talking about her mommy or how great her mommy is while I'm baking cupcakes with her or something, he takes over because he knows that's when I start feeling annoyed that I'm the one playing "mommy" a lot of the time. I barely have ANY resentment anymore; and when I do, he's quick to jump in and make sure whatever I'm doing parentally is taken over by him.
So this became a huge long answer but in short: it's important that your husband/SO realizes you are not your stepchild's parent and acts accordingly. You should not be expected to sacrifice in ways you don't want to, but instead, you should be appreciated for the ways you DO sacrifice as a stepparent.
You are so lucky that your
You are so lucky that your husband is so understanding and quick to catch you when you need support.
Mine gets defensive and he thinks his son is the easiest kid to deal with...I have tried to communicate in the past and it always ends up in an argument..now I just deal with it because its not worth the fight. I am so thankful for this website because then i don't feel so alone..hopefully my husband can be like yours one day and see how hard it is being a stepmom
Oh we definitely had our
Oh we definitely had our times where he'd get really mad at me for bringing things up or he'd defend her and say "she's just a kid why can't you be nicer!?" and he's the most understanding person I've ever met! People just get defensive over their kids, and it's understandable, but it makes it really hard for the blended family to mesh without the stepparent being the only one sacrificing/being pushed around.
We actually had to take a 3 month break living apart and get some space from each other for me to be able to approach the issues we dealt with and him to be able to understand that I'm NOT picking on his daughter or saying I don't like her, I'm trying to build a healthy relationship where we're BOTH happy; not just her. I honestly believe anyone who isn't a stepparent can't understand how hard it is, but sometimes, the right words can get it across, as long as your husband is willing to listen.
You might want to pick a good time and place to talk about it. Like I said, we took a 3 month break and we were missing each other and willing to do whatever it took to make it work. Prior to that, we had the same arguments over and over and over again. It's not easy, but if you can find the right words (or maybe even enlist a blended family counsellor) and the right time, you should be able to open his eyes a bit.
When DH and I first decided
When DH and I first decided to live together, I moved into his apartment because my lease was up and we were waiting for his to end. It was Hell. One of the first rules I put into place when we moved into the "our" house was no kids in my bedroom. I needed that space.
We just purchased a home together. Now, I don't mind if the kids come into our room to ask a question. Maybe it's because they are older now, or maybe it's because they know my boundaries and are never in my room unless invited. We also fought about sleep. Took awhile for DH to get that as well.
I think having a "no kids in
I think having a "no kids in the bedroom" rule in stepfamilies is so important. We have that rule, and in our old house, we had an extra room that DH setup as a closet/dressing room for me; he painted it and put up a huge clothing rack and setup a vanity in there and that was totally, 100% off-limits to SD at anytime, which was nice
now we're expecting so I don't have my little beauty room anymore, but our extra room is off-limits until baby arrives!
Just my opinion, but I think
Just my opinion, but I think your H should pursue CS from the BM. Even if it's only $50 per month, and even if she doesn't pay it, there's something satisfying about a court officially holding the BM accountable for the job you're doing for her.
My SS31 was an adult when DH
My SS31 was an adult when DH and I married. Or else I would not have married him.
SS is a total POS. His bio mother would have loved for me to take him under my wing as her DH refused to have anything to do with him. I have total a **** if he is dead or alive.