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Anyone love one stepchild and have no feeling towards the other?

California12's picture

I am a SM of a SS14 and SD15. As most of you on here probably deal with, the BM is beyond the realm of normal. My husband and I have been together 10 years, the first 4 of which involved interference by BM every single day. She left my husband for another man but as soon as we met (a year later), she became obsessed. I am sure you are all aware of how this works....suffice it to say, every excuse she had to contact my husband "in the best interest of the kids" became 100 times a day, and when that didn't work, she did things such as sending boxes of baby formula to our address with her name on it. I could spend a day documenting the craziness, but the one lasting thing she has is the ability to control my SD. Typical PAS against my husband and SD, unfortunately is so affected and weakened by it, she is like a stranger in our house. My SD is a spitting image of her. She is the type of person, as encouraged by her mom, who gets told NO and then has meltdowns and cannot deal with it. For instance, my husband disapproved of her participation on a sports team that involved weekend travel 45 weekends of the year and practices that were an hour and a half away 4 nights a week. (Her mother has burned her bridges with 5 other teams, so she literally had to find a team outside of where we live.) God forbid he was against it. It did not become about scheduling, driving, etc. but rather how her dad loves me more than his own daughter, he is selfish, etc. so finally my husband said fine, stay with your mother. Flash forward a few years later, and we are here with a brat that shows up at our house that no one wants to be around. I feel horrible and guilty about saying this, but I have no feeling for her. I love my SS as if he were my own. He can be a handful at times, but he genuinely is affectionate, loving and like a son to me. I can get mad at him over stupid teenage stuff, but as with my own daughter, we get over it. My SD, on the other hand, wants to bully us into giving her what she wants so that, like her mom, people rather give in to her than deal with her. This isn't even a teenage thing, but has been her personality since I have known her. She has more blessings in here life, including an AMAZING father, and she doesn't even realize it. What do I do to stop feeling guilty about how I can't even stand to look at her? I realize no child deserves that, and any chance I get I (believe it or not) say supportive words about her mom when it comes up, etc. ... but is it acceptable at this point to admit that there are some people you will just never warm up to?

hereiam's picture

but is it acceptable at this point to admit that there are some people you will just never warm up to?

Of course, it's acceptable. She is not your bio, you don't owe it to anybody to love her unconditionally. Her personality, apparently, has no redeeming qualities, so she is giving you nothing to warm up to.

We don't like everybody we meet, no matter how they have come into our lives. The fact that she is your husband's daughter is just that, a fact, it doesn't get to dictate how you feel about her as a person.

sunshinex's picture

I agree with this. My stepdad came into our lives later. I was 15, my sister was 16 and my brother was 20. He has a great relationship with me because we have a lot in common and we're actually similar people, whereas his relationship with my two siblings is nearly non-existant because they're simply nothing alike and not the kind of people that would get along. I don't think anyone sees any problem with this.

My stepdaughters only 5 so i've gotten to help shape her as a person because I've been around since she was 2, but if she becomes someone I don't get along with in the future, that's okay. We just don't have that biological bond that would make us put up with eachother and love eachother anyways. I'm not too worried about it and neither is my husband. We just hope for the best lol

CLove's picture

My SD17 is mean, rude, ungrateful, dirty, but besides all THAT she is not that interesting as a person. Im an outdoorsy type, love the beach, love to read, love art, and music. She plunks on the piano, and guitar a little, doesn't have any friends, no activities, completely dependent on parents and family for any movement outside the house. I love gardening, she loves makeup. I love traveling, she loves Vegas. We are simply 2 different people forced to live in the same house, with the same people.

Her sister, SD10, on the other had, we love rocks and gems and beach and hiking and pretty much all the same foods, and do stuff together all the time, alone. SD17 just likes to shop, however even that is out since she was caught shoplifting in January.

I do not feel guilty at all because SD17 has done everything to kill any shred of relationship we ever had, or will have by being awful to me and others. Her personality is nothing like her fathers. She has no patience and lets her temper tantrums go off the roof. Just cant stand her!!!!