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I agreed to a complicated situation and now wished I hadn't..

Dawny224's picture

Anyway, together ever since, married 6 yrs. He has a daughter from his toxic first marriage right out of high school. He finally got custody of her when she was about 10 and I've known her since she was 5. Of course I've tried to win her over, perhaps I tried too hard.
Anyway long story short, we moved her with us out of state when she about 17ish. Normally we would have never done such a thing, but she was failing high school, and then she was failing at the vocational school. It was always someone else's fault, and her daddy always fought her battles. We did all we could to get her a high school diploma and she did. But she hated it here with us away from her friends, and I understood. But we had to come where our jobs took us so we could buy a house, our first house together, and obtain health insurance.
Our hometown in the Midwest is dying, no jobs and a heroin epidemic on top of that.
She just up and took off one day, without a goodbye to either of us. I was sad because it broke his heart, because she took off when he was out of town working. On the other hand, I have to admit I was relieved. She was lazy, dirty, rude, you name it. I understand she wasn't happy but we did all we could for her.
After she left it was great, I had just me and my animals, I could study in peace and go about my routine. That lasted about 6 mos, and then I hear she's pregnant. It wasn't long after that I hear the baby's daddy was worthless, blah blah, same old story. He wouldn't work and they were going to get evicted. Everyone else there had helped her as much as they could muster. Mamaw and papaw were paying her rent, bought her a car, etc. They weren't going to do anymore.
We talked about letting her stay here until she got on her feet. That was all fine at first but 2 mos into it and today, my last nerve was hit. I've heard baby crying when I'm studying, sleeping, etc. (We live in a small house and I can't escape it) my hubby is working out of town again so I'm the one who lives this during the week. Today I stepped out of the office and said Hey! to her in the kitchen because I wanted to see if she wanted to work out with me, and then she reprimanded me like a child and told me the baby was sleeping. Something just hit the fan inside of me, I took the dog around the house and cried. I thought, I am paying a $1200 mortgage to step on eggshells in my own home, around someone else's baby. How did I get myself in this situation??

notsobad's picture

You are allowed to change your mind.

Talk to DH about her and the baby moving out, tell him you made a mistake and have a problem with her being there.
Look up places that can help her financially, she should qualify for low income housing and emotionally, moms groups or whatever.

Sootica's picture

You have been generous enough to allow SD & her baby into your home to enable her to stand on her own two feet. Reading your post SD does not sound like she is the most responsible person & I predict she is in no hurry to leave your house (where she gets to tell you off as if you are a child who is misbehaving). You need to put a stop to this now. There has got to be an end date in place else she will spend the next 10 years "getting back on her feet" & driving you nuts in your own home in the process. When your DH gets back have a chat with him and the two of you decide when she needs to be gone by. That date is non negotiable once it's set,stick to your guns.The longer she stays the harder it will be to make her leave, as she has it nice and cushy there.Can you imagine her toddler running riot trashing your home in a few years,no thanks you SO don't deserve that.

Dawny224's picture

I cant thank you enough for the advice. I just wanted to be supportive but perhaps i got in over my head. If i were retirement age, didnt work or have ambitions for the next 5 yrs, this may be different. But how do you make something of your life surrounded by someone who is the complete opposite? She is attentive to the baby, i wont take that from her. But thats all she does, that and lay around, go outside every 5 min for a cigarette. Im not in the right place to take on a charity case right now, thank you for helping me to see that. And no, I cant imagine a toddler running around destroying my house while im studying for a big test. Just the thought makes me cringe.
What happens if when she moves out, I sense my husband is bearing resentment, because now Im the reason he wont see his grandchild? She will be 600 miles away. If that happens, should I just leave the picture and let them have their little family?

sandye21's picture

"If she is outside smoking every five minutes I can't imagine she is very attentive to her infant." And who is paying for the cigarettes? If she can afford to smoke that many cigarettes she can quit smoking and use the money to support herself and the baby.

SacrificialLamb's picture

You got into this situation because you are a nice person who cares, despite how nasty it was helping to raise this child. You also have the right to change your mind when you see how a situation is really panning out.

Her father and grandparents have completely enabled her and met her every need so she did not need to learn how. Now she gets to be a stay-at-home mommy, something that many married women never get to experience.

The girl has no life goals and will leech off of you for eternity if you let her. You should sit down with your DH and tell him that what you have said here. Ask him what the plans for his daughter's future are. Is he willing to give her a deadline or push her to launch? You may need to get a counselor involved. I think that that conversation will tell you what your life is going to be like and should allow you to make the best decision.

Dawny224's picture

Lol, she had birth control, and for some reason decided to not take it. She used to sit around and watch Teen Mom show on Mtv, which kinda glorifies this situation. She had an abortion when she was 16, so i got to sit idly by while she threw away a child like dirty underware. I hate to sound so blunt, but at the time I would have loved to have had a baby. Im sure it was hard for her, but it was also hard for everyone around her as well. Abortion is a touchy situation, i believe in it for certain situations, but not for just plain negligence.
I have talked to DH about how i feel and i think mamaw is going to let her stay with her, but it is 600 miles because we have moved down south for jobs and to get away from other family drama. Now its just waiting on a timeline to get her outta here.

Dawny224's picture

DH set her up when she got here with medicaid, WIC, but she has yet to set up an appointment for the babys shots. The laziness is astounding.

Dawny224's picture

No i didnt want the baby, i was just saying it was difficult to be around when she had the abortion, DH took her to do it and he doesnt believe in it. Thats all

Acratopotes's picture

NO you did not fail - you are not her mother and nor her father.... if any one failed it's her parents not you

so stop thinking it, she's not your responsibility, and seeing she was old enough to go and play adult and make a baby, she's old enough to be evicted from your house and find a job. You do not have to wait till DH is back, simply give her notice and tell her... get the eff out of my house you lazy Wh@re... you will feel much better and she will complain to Daddy, Daddy will be angry at you and after you kicked him in the balls, you will feel even better...

Harry's picture

With best intentions, we take these failing kids / adults in and expect them to stop failing. With the best intentions we expect these people to turn there life around, when they really don't want to. It's more fun to fail. Then we blame ourselves for there failer even though we are not failing ourself. 1. take head 2. Hit wall with it